A/ N: So hi… this story was originally started two or three years ago. I gave up on it, but for some reason you lovely people liked it. I've decided to rewrite it, hopefully making it better. As a warning, I know absolutely nothing about the medical side of events. So I'm really sorry if I get anything wrong, please correct me. I hope you enjoy it!
Little AU Bits:
Turk and Carla have Izzy, and Dr Cox and Jordan have Jack. But Dr Cox and Jordan aren't together, and neither Jordan or Kim are pregnant. In fact, Kim isn't real. Which is always fun. JD has his own apartment.
Review, pleaseee? :)
JD was silent.
He sat absolutely still, not taking his eyes of the chart in front of him. It was not a good chart. It was, possibly, the worst chart he had ever seen. Mainly because it was his.
He spoke aloud. "Right, last time." He squeezed his eyes shut, and balled his hands into fists. "Come on…" he whispered, trying to ignore everything else. He opened his eyes, eagerly leaning forwards. The damn chart was still there. He read it again. Still said the same damn thing. Well, that had been an overall waste of time. He flopped backwards on to the table. It was cold, hard, and made of metal. Why had he never noticed how uncomfortable these tables were? Probably because he'd never had to lie on one of them before. He was quite glad of that. They hurt.
This was his second time here. He was just as nervous this time round. JD had come into the Saint Giles hospital a week ago, to be prodded, poked, x-rayed, sampled, and every other degrading thing you could imagine. It was not fun. He had begun to feel a new sympathy for his patients after only a few minutes. Today he was here to get the results. And what results they were.
He opened his mouth to swear, then closed it. Swearing wouldn't help him now. He wasn't sure if anything could.
Carla sighed and leaned back slightly.
"Turk, honey?" she asked. "Do you know if Bambi's in? I haven't seen him today."
Turk shrugged nonchalantly. "Don't worry baby. He's probably just got the day off. My vanilla bear can take care of himself! No need to go all mushy on him."
Carla rolled her eyes. "Please. You worry about him so much more than I do. If he's out of your sight for more than an hour at a time, you get all twitchy and irritable."
"I do not" Turk twitched, sounding irritated.
"And now you're angry."
"I am not!" He yelled angrily.
"And now you're gonna storm off, all sulky."
"Am not." Turk said sulkily, before storming off. Carla sighed again, but caught sight of Dr Cox. She lunged and grabbed his sleeve.
"You. Have you seen JD?" Dr Cox looked up. Carla cursed inwardly. She was developing the ability to predict when he would rant. And this time, she was right.
"Do I know where Barbara is? I don't know. I don't follow her little pink dress around all day you know, looking for bobbing pigtails in the crowd. Because, unlike most of you, I have a life. It may be one filled with idiots, morons, and worst of all, interns, but it's a life none the less. So, let's brainstorm. Where could Sally Anne be? She could be on a date with that patient's hot brother, couldn't she? But no, he can do better than her. So maybe her and Barbie could be shopping for lingerie, because after said patient's hot brother dumped her she went on an ice cream binge, and now nothing fits any more. But Barbie is, unfortunately, still here. And now here's a crazy thought- what if it's her day off? I mean, call me insane, but I think that it's not necessary for the girl to be at your side for every second of every day. Wait, I know what happened! While you weren't looking, Pricilla and his life partner Ghandi snuck off and are currently making out in a closet somewhere. Hmm? Or maybe-"
Dr Cox marched off, still ranting as he went. Carla felt sorry for any intern that messed up today. Or spoke to him. Or breathed in his presence.
"Sorry for that Dr Dorian." The woman said, sitting down in front of him. "I had to go check up on something. Have you had a bit of time to think about this?" JD nodded, sighing. He really hated being in the patient position. He knew exactly what the woman was going to say next.
"So. Like I said, you have advanced renal cell carcinoma. More commonly known as kidney cancer. We didn't expect this as you have no family history of kidney problems, you don't smoke and it usually affects men far older than yourself. I'm afraid-"
"I only have around a 50 chance of survival," JD cut in. "This has probably been lowered due to the fact I waited too long to get it checked out. I have a tumour in my renal cortex, which is too large to be left. My choices are-"
"Excuse me, Dr Dorian, who is the medic here?" JD sighed.
"Thank you. I do understand you feel the need to take over. This must be very hard for you. Unfortunately, you are correct. I suggest surgery." But JD was shaking his head.
"But Dr Dorian, I-"
"NO!" he shouted suddenly. "No to all of this! I will not have the surgery because I don't want to die."
"Dr Dorian, you are getting your facts muddled." Her voice was gentle. "Without surgery, you will die." JD seemed defeated, and sunk back slightly.
"I want another treatment." He said softly. He looked up, doe like brown eyes filling with tears. "Please."
Dr Roberts sighed. "If you really refuse to have the operation, we will have to resort to chemotherapy."
"Good. That's what I want."
"You do understand this cancer is notorious for being highly resistant to chemotherapy?"
"Yes." Dr Roberts sighed again.
"Alright. I'm not going to pretend I understand what is going on in your head. You have a strong aversion to surgery, for reasons we won't go into now. But I am strongly disappointed someone as experienced in medicine as you, who has seen the effects of this, are refusing what could possibly be your only hope at life. Do you understand?" JD looked up, before smiling beatifically.
"Oh, yes." He said, still smiling. He got up, brushing imaginary dirt from his lap. "If you don't mind, I'll be leaving."
"Okay Dr Dorian. We'll talk more. Same time, next week?"
"And may I suggest you see a counsellor?"
"Just once?" Dr Roberts asked, almost begging. She pushed her long red hair back from her face. "Please?" JD screwed his face up.
"Alright. Just once. Now, I really have to go."
"Of course." JD walked towards the exit, before pausing and turning around.
"Oh, and Dr Roberts?" The woman's deep green eyes flickered upwards. "Not a word to Sacred Heart?"
"Certainly. Hippocratic oath, remember?"
"Thank god, that's a huge relief. I couldn't stand them worrying about me. I'll be fine, yeh?" The smile returned, even wider than before. She smiled too. It was impossible not to.
"Goodbye Dr Roberts."
"Dr Dorian." She nodded. He walked out, still yelling back to her.
"I'll be fine! I'm perfect, yeh? I can beat anything!" She smiled. She'd never met a man so optimistic about his own downfall.
JD shut the door behind him and let his mask fall. His face crumpled and tears ran down his cheeks. He raked his hands through his hair. What the hell was he supposed to do now?
Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.
Time, JD decided, wasn't real. It sped up or slowed down as it damn well pleased. How rude. Right now it was crawling along, the seconds seeming like hours. Only a few days ago he had told Turk he had missed work due to 'a killer hangover'. Cue high fives, cheers and Carla's disapproving glare. Now he was sitting on a unyielding chair, staring at the clock on the wall like it was the meaning of life. For somebody who loved talking about his problems so much, JD thought it was ironic that in therapy, he just wanted to leave. Or jump out the window. Or die.
The grin faded on his face as he realised what he had just thought.
"So. Tell me more about yourself." Dr Jones broke the silence, pushing his glasses further up his nose.
"What's to tell? I'm a thirty year old man with an old man's cancer. I'm a doctor, I work at Sacred Heart. I'm me." JD didn't make eye contact. The other man leant forwards slightly.
"You work at Sacred Heart?" the psychiatrist asked.
"That's what I said, isn't it?" JD said, drumming his fingers against his leg and counting as they hit the denim. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.
"But you were sent to me from St Giles hospital. You went there to be treated?"
"It would seem so." 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.
"Why didn't you just go to Sacred Heart?"
"Erm, I dunno."
"Don't you know, or do you just not want to think about it?"
"I don't know." He insisted. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Do, not, let, him, in. Do, not, let, him, in. JD had decided he didn't trust therapists, didn't like them- his secrets were his and he was terrified this man would find them out. He thought the words as he tapped his fingers down- he had to hold himself together.
"Can you try and think about it?" JD grit his teeth.
"I'd rather not." Do, not, let, him, in.
"Why are you so afraid of letting me in?" JD's fingers paused halfway through the repetitions, his mind stopped muttering his mantra.
"I'm not." He lied. 1do, 2not, 3let, 4him, 5in.
"Okay, so maybe we could try. Are you scared of what's going to happen?"
"No. Well, yeah. Well. I am scared. But not so much of that." He sighed and stopped tapping. No point.
"You're the expert on you, JD. But let's work on that- why would you be afraid?
"I don't want my friends to see me like this. I've never been ill like this before, which I'm pretty glad for. They shouldn't worry about me."
Dr Jones nodded slowly. "Perhaps you're also afraid of appearing vulnerable or weak to those stronger than you? Tell me if I'm wrong, of course." JD stared.
"Oh my god, Turk was right! You people are demons! Get out of my head!" JD scrambled away, before falling backwards off the chair. He stayed lying on the carpet, deciding it was comfier anyway. He had been slightly disappointed not to be asked to lie down on a sofa.
"Not a demon, JD. Merely a man who has seen and heard many other people in your situation. Is it a boss you are looking to impress, maybe?" JD's jaw dropped open.
"Dr Cox isn't the boss of me." JD said automatically. Dr Jones, looking interested, tried to make eye contact with JD but failed. Carpets are very interesting things when one is trying to avoid meeting a therapist's eyes.
"Dr Cox? Is he important to you?"
"Then why did you mention him?"
"How dare you?"
Dr Jones blinked rapidy. "I was just trying to-"
"Well, don't! I'm leaving." JD declared, standing up.
"You know that's your choice, JD. I won't stop you. However-"
"Please call me Doctor Dorian." JD hissed, knowing he was being a little bitch but not really caring.
"Doctor Dorian. Can you just do one thing for me?" JD groaned.
"Yeah, fine, whatever." JD was already zipping his jacket.
"May I suggest you make a list of ten regrets?" JD blinked.
"It's something I advise all recently diagnosed patients. I'm sure you're aware of the severity of your condition. So I ask all people in this situation to make a list of ten things you would regret not having done if, God forbid, something happened."
"Oh, anything. Settling down. Having kids. Telling your boss to go screw themselves."
JD bit back a laugh. If he did that he wouldn't have to worry about dying eventually, it would happen in a few seconds. "Fine, sure, whatever. Is it okay if I go now?" JD asked sulkily. Dr Jones nodded kindly.
"Next week, same time, same day?"
"Yeah, sure, fine." JD practically sprinted out of the office.
Turk was growing impatient, and cold. This was his third attempt at getting through to JD and his tenth minute standing outside the hospital. First time the line said busy, the second time there was just no answer. He pulled the phone away from his ear to look at the screen.
"Calling JD" The phone screen informed him cheerily.
"Well you're not, are you?" He said grumpily. He looked at his watch again. Wednesday, 21:34. The graveyard shift sucked, but JD should be in. He was about to give up when there was a crackle from the other end.
"Hello?" JD asked.
"Vanilla bear!" Turk cried, delighted. He got a hold of himself, glancing around in case Kelso would materialise suddenly and shout at him for not working.
"Where are you? You party too hard again?"
"Um….no. I was at church. Praying." Was it his imagination, or did JD sound edgy?
"Praying? Dude, you can't miss work to pray."
"Oh, like Kelso noticed." Well, that was true, Turk thought to himself.
"Besides, if he does, I'll just tell him that I'm really torn up about some patient's death or something." Was it Turk's imagination or did JD sound distracted?
"So why were you actually there?"
"I was torn up about some patient's death."
"But you just-"
Carla's voice rang out behind him. "Turk, honey? Could you come here for a minute?"
"Sure, baby! Turk called. He turned his attention back to the phone. "That was Carla, JD. Gotta go. I'm sorry."
"It's okay, Brown Bear. I'll see you." Turk slid his phone into his pocket, and wander
Turk took Carla's hand and they walked back into the hospital. "What's up, baby?"
"Not much." She said. "Just feeling a bit sick."
"Aww, honey." Turk pulled his 'sympathetic' face- secretly wondering why it was so important.
"And I feel really tired."
"I think we all do, babe."
"And my boobs feel bigger?"
"Really?" Turk asked gleefully, his attention suddenly grabbe.
"Turk… I might be pregnant." Turk stared.
"Baby, do I need to go to the store and get you a test? I can get you a test, you can do the pee- thing, right?"
"Nah, already did one. It was negative." Turk let out a breath he didn't know he'd been holding.
"That was cruel, woman!"
"It'll teach you to pay more attention to me! Turk, we have a baby. If you don't start acting more responsibly then I don't know what we're going to do!" Carla paused. "And don't you dare 'woman' me!"
Eep, Turk thought. Carla's getting angry…best completely change the subject.
"I'm worried about JD." He said suddenly.
"Bambi? Why?" She asked, distracted.
"I called him up to ask where he was. He sounded pretty flustered."
"Where did he say he is?"
"Praying at church for some patient he lost."
"Aww, that's so sweet!"
"I know, but I don't think that's where he was…"
"Turk! He's our friend. We should believe him. Bambi wouldn't lie."
"Okay." Turk said uncertainly. "But I'm still worried…"
"Well," Carla said, her tone suddenly seductive. "Should I….distract you?" Turk's eyes lit up and he giggled like a kid.
"On-call room?" He mouthed. He reached in for a kiss, which Carla dodged.
"Someone's gullible tonight." She remarked, opening the hospital doors and walking back in.
"Damn!" Turk yelled, slamming his fist against the wall.
"Damn!" JD yelled, for a different reason entirely. He was halfway through this stupid 'Ten Regrets' list, and he was stuck.
"Well…" he thought. "I have always wondered whether you can actually hitch a lift in a kangaroo's pouch…" He scribbled down "Never went to Australia." He added another one he had just thought of, then looked at the five things he had down so far. God, this list is depressing, he thought, sighing. Then a smile lit up his face and he scribble down two more. Eight own, two to go. He had no idea what to write.
Well, he did. He just didn't want to. Maybe he could just put down two completely random things? No, Dr Jones would know. He was a psychiatrist, for God's sakes.
He sighed again before closing his eyes and writing the dreaded sentences. He opened his eyes. Ugh. On paper they just looked so wrong. He ran his eyes over the scrawled handwriting, pen poised in hand- just in case it was too much.
1: Never got married
2: Never fell properly, totally, head-over-heels in love
3: Never had kids
4: Never perfected victory dance
5: Never went to Australia
6: Never learned to like Scotch
7: Never punched Dan for annoying me
8: Never punched Keith for being- well, Keith
9: Never 'came out of the closet'
10: Never told Dr Cox I
The rest of number ten was scribbled out.