Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer and affiliates owns all that is Twilight. No copyright infringement intended. Again, this is just a little something I wrote before the epilogue. It doesn't progress the story at all. It was just some of Bella's thoughts written in the form of letters. Anyhow, hope you enjoy them. It's nothing special.
Notes from Bella to various family members
. . .
Rosalie, Rosie, friend, comforter, sister . . .
What could I ever write to you that could never be felt through our relationship?
I love you, sister; then, now, and into every eternity. My not being there with you, could never take away the validity of those words.
What could I ever give you that could show my endless love for you? My daughter, and the trust you'd do so right by her.
And I give you that trust, darling. If anything were to ever happen to me, or things didn't go as planned, I'd want you for Cheyenne's mother. She could ask for no better. The example you'd be able to provide her with would be more than substantial. Kiss her chubby cheeks for me often, run your fingers through her blonde wisps, watch her as she slept, feel her heart as it beats in her little chest, and love her unconditionally. I know I never need ask that of you, that wish is already fulfilled.
The number one thing I ever wanted for my little darling was for her life to be filled with love and a knowledge that she was wanted. I know you'll give all that to her and more. Just don't cave into her every whim, please! Love her, but keep her grounded and thankful.
As for Jasper . . . tears come to my eyes even thinking about what he would try to do without me. It scares me to think such thoughts, Rosie. Please, please, please, sister, make him live; if not for himself than for our daughter. He doesn't think he could ever survive without me, but he's undeniably wrong. Jasper has been through so much upheaval and turmoil in his life. Yes, some of things he has done were wrong and downright scary, but it was the only life he knew. From that broken and depressed vampire, grew a strong and courageous man. You and he have that in common, you know: such resilience in the face of adversity. If I could ever emulate such strength, I'd be set for life (*smiles lovingly at you*).
Watch over him, sister. I don't care if you had to restrain him twenty-four hours a day, seven days a weeks; please don't let him harm himself. Push Cheyenne into his arms and make him hold her if that's what it takes. But, make him survive. I need to know that he is still there, watching out for our daughter, the piece of me that is still with you. I know it's unfair of me to make such a request and to demand such a thing from you, but I need someone to look after my beautiful vampire. He is my life, and I loved him from the moment my eyes sought out his.
And Rosalie . . .
I know you've struggled with what happened to you and the lasting scars they left on your fragile soul, (yes, darling, I see its fragility, and don't let that scare you) but all I ever saw was your strength. It pervaded everything, even the solid wall you built out of protection. I could never fault you for such an action; I did the very same thing after the incident with my step-father, but that is neither here nor there.
I want to tell you of the sublime beauty I witness when I look into your golden eyes. It isn't the color of diluted animal blood staring back at me sister, but the shining of your soul. It radiates from you so brightly, Rosie, that even those solid walls couldn't dim that light. Look in the mirror, sister, remove everything that you hide behind, and you'll witness the very being I have come to love. The strength you show comes from that beauty. It isn't the physical I write of, but the shimmering countenance inside your unchanging body. You may never age and physically change, but I know your soul becomes stronger with each challenge and hardship you traverse. You've been through much, sister, that's why your spirit is one of fortitude and distinction.
Never let anyone tell you differently. I know we all have our faults, and being a vampire cannot take those flaws away, but remember to focus on those that make you so magnificent. Remember my love and adoration for you. If I'm never there to tell you in person, remember my heart had also beat for you, Rosalie. From the first moment you touched my stomach to the last time our hands touched, I only knew love for you. And no matter where I may be, that love will always linger in your heart and on your soul.
Take care of my little baby, Rosie, and I guess Cheyenne, too. LOL. Don't let Jasper see this part, I would just want to kiss that pouty mouth of his. But, to be serious, take care of my family: love them and cherish them. Tell them of my love, continually.
Well, this letter is already long enough. Like I already wrote, no words could ever state what we felt for each other. Ours is a friendship that will last longer than Earth and through any existence I may now reside in. Time is a manmade concept and has no bearing on our sisterhood. I love you tender, my Rosie.
Then, now, and into every eternity.
Always feel the part of my soul I left with you, darling, and every now and then, look up to me and smile. I'll be there . . . always.
With so much love that my heart overflows
PS. Try not to smack Emmett in the head too many times. He's a big softy at heart, no matter how perverted his mind may be . . . LOL. I love you both!
. . .
Edward, my friend –
Allow me to provide you with another prospective. You may be a vampire, Edward, but you are still a form of the human species. Answer me this, what makes an individual different from everyone else? Is it our bodies, our minds, our hearts, or our very existence on earth? I see these things as making us different, but our souls are what make us truly unique. A soul is a beautiful and mysterious thing, Edward. I don't profess to truly understand it, but I do believe your soul still resides in your body. What gives you the ability to think, what gives you the ability to use the mind our bodies are equipped with? What allows our hands to move and our fingers to grasp? What allows our knees to bend and our lips to kiss? Yes, our minds send out the signal to move said body parts, but what makes the mind think such a thing? I'm different from you as you are different from Carlisle. Jasper is different from Emmett as my father was different from my mother. I know this may not make any sense to you, Edward, but it is what I truly believe. I know your soul still resides in you. It is a moving and attached part of your undead body. Your heart may not beat anymore, but that doesn't mean your soul doesn't still flourish within your body.
I cannot think of anything else to write to you. I think of the neglect and solitude your soul as lived in. I know it hasn't been done on purpose. Perhaps you truly believe you don't have one, and that is your purgative. However, I plead with you to think long and hard about such a concept, Edward. Sit in contemplation and reach into your body and connect with the spirit that is yearning to be freed from the perpetual darkness. I don't think you a monster. It isn't my place to tell you such a thing, but I still wanted to. I never blamed you for what happened when we first "met". We are all beholden to our bodies and the desires we feel, but it is how we act on those desires that set us apart. You've amazed me, Edward, not only with your beguiling musical abilities, but with the restraint and fortitude you show around me. It has been a pleasure to know you, and I mean that with every fiber of my being.
I know that when Jasper finally changes me, my soul will remain with me. It is a simple belief I feel deeply within. I now promise, I'm finished preaching to the choir. If we never meet again, Edward, please take care of yourself. Allow that beautiful part you keep hidden from everyone else to flourish. Don't be afraid to reach out of your comfort zone and experience. Falling in love with Jasper was the greatest drop of my life. I cherished each moment I spent with him. I may not have always been perfect and failed at many things, but my love for him only grew with time and nourishment. My soul touched his and found the blessed eternal sunshine.
Please, watch out for Cheyenne for me. She loves you, Edward, no matter how much of a distance you may keep from her. Allow her little innocent love to touch you. It's all I could ever ask of you. Take care, my friend, and know you are alive, regardless if your heart beats or not.
- Bella, your constant provocation. ;)
. . .
Carlisle, the always compassionate father and Esme, the quintessential mother –
Goodness, words fail me completely when writing this to you. Goodbyes are never easy and reaching closure at best. There is always so much one wants to say and relate, but when it actually comes down to zero hour, the mind becomes blank. Why do you think that is Papa C? Perhaps that could be a future research project of yours (just kidding).
There are always the most essential and heart-provoking things to write, thank you for everything, I love you both very much, and please take care of my Jasper and Cheyenne. I write all these things to you sincerely and more. They are always the first thoughts in my mind.
I'd never know how I got so lucky so long ago. Your son found a little girl, lost and alone and became her phantom angel. Jasper spoke of his hurt and anger that night. He regretted keeping both of you at arms' length, never allowing you the opportunity to love him fully. He spoke of your compassion, Carlisle. He didn't know it, but his beautiful, sad face lit up when he spoke of you. And, Esme, don't be alarmed. Your darling son also spoke of you. His voice became soft as if speaking about something that was most reverent. He told me of your beauty and kindness. I envied him when he spoke of you, Esme. Even though Jasper didn't allow you to love him, he felt it, and no matter how much he tried to fight that love, it had already seeped into his weeping soul. You were always his parents, and he was always meant to be your son!
Please, please, please, always love him. Don't allow him to pull away from you again. Make him love and make him live. This may be asking the impossible, but I know you can both do it. Jasper loves you so much, as do I. You have given us the most wonderful example of a timeless couple, an enduring love. It is the model I have tried to base my relationship on. I've failed him in many ways, but my love for him was there, beating in my heart for the both of us. I need you to know this and make sure Jasper realizes that. It's really the only thing I could ever ask of you both, except to watch over my little darling. I could have never asked for a better set of "grandparents" for her than you.
I'm sorry for any pain I may have caused your family! It was never my intention and it always pulled at my soul when I was the cause of any upheaval. I was ever so grateful to be considered a Cullen. What a marvelous bunch you are, not because you are all "special" and have other traits some of us don't, but because of how you each love. It has been sublime to watch and be a part of that love!
Thank you from the bottom of my heart! I love you both, always! Take care of my Jasper and Cheye. I leave them with you along with all the love I have to give!
. . .
Emmett , my brother and torturer,
It's been a pleasure kicking your ass . . . LOL. But to be truly honest, you've given me the gift of laughter and sunshine. When I only wanted to breakdown and curse the unfairness of my life at times, you seemed to see that inside me. Instead of allowing me to have a self-pity party, you challenged and provoked me. I may not have always been receptive to you, but I always appreciated your need to make me laugh.
You are the big brother I always wanted and that every girl deserves . . . sans the many dirty innuendos. I don't leave you with any of my tears, but the many laughs you provided me with. Continue making people smile, brother. It is your calling and beautiful gift in your eternity. Make sure to lay off Edward a little, brother. And don't groan . . . save that for the bedroom with your gorgeous wife (*wink*).
Also, please look out for Cheyenne and Jasper. I know they will be sad, but make them laugh, Emm. Pull them away from the gloom and into your sunshine. I could never ask you for anything more! I love you, Emm, and I was blessed for a while to have you as my brother.
Love Rosie and cherish her always . . . she is so amazing; she doesn't even know her true worth. I love you both.
Listen for my laughs, Emm, for I shall be watching you always
. . .
Words fail me utterly as I think of what to write you. This letter has the potential to have the last words I could ever say to you. How does one overcome the fear of saying everything they want, and being afraid something would be missed? As you can read, it is very daunting task for me, and one I don't take lightly. My love for you would never allow me to take such a thing lightly.
So let me tell you a few things, shall I?
I have often, in my accident prone life, thought about it all ending. I would ponder about what would happen after I passed and what would become of me after. It is truly scary to think of never existing after this fragile and quick life is over. Some people believe in a higher power, while others think this is all we have and thus must make the most of our time given. I've never been a wholly religious person, but I am prone to think there is something out there, something that watches over us. The stars are always there, but eventually they all burn out. I like to believe that there is something or someone who is all love and merciful.
I've contemplated my struggles and hardships that I endured. And even with everything I've lived through, I wouldn't trade my life for anyone else's. It is so true, that saying about someone always having it worse than 'you'. I wish everyone had a wonderful life and only good things would touch a person's existence. But then I realized, without the bad, how would one ever know the good? Without the bad, how would one ever appreciate the good? Without the bad, how would one ever grow into a better person and learn their limitations. Yes, I wish everyone's life was shrouded in peace and magnificence, but that isn't real life and it isn't feasible. Perhaps one day, every person will set aside their hatred and Ill-will. Every person will learn that nothing good comes from such hatred and learn to love their neighbor. But until that time comes, I've learned that even though I struggle and my life may seem impossible at times, I'm richly blessed.
I've learned, my love, that it is the small moments one must live for. Many, including myself, have waited for the next grand adventure in life to begin, and missed out on all the little moments that brought us to the next big thing. I don't want to be that person, Jasper. I want to savor the soft summer breeze wafting across my skin, the sun as it sets for the day, giving way to the splendor of the night, my daughters baby blues as they sparkle with giggles, your lips as they glide over my neck, Emmett's crass innuendos, Edward's internal debates, Carlisle and Esme's enduring love, Rosie's fallen walls, and even Alice's shopping addiction.
Your amazing love has taught me that. You see, my vampire, I imagined our love was like a whirl wind, fierce and strong in its passion. It came without warning and swept up my heart with everything else in its path. Would I change anything about our love? Never, Jasper, because if you change one thing about our relationship, something essential is lost. I longed for you in those years of separation, but I instinctively knew it was only for a time. That knowledge may have been hidden at times, but I believed my soul always knew, my love.
Would I have loved to skip the whole cancer thing, of course, but it is one more thing that brought us together. I may have lied to you, Jasper, and I may have snapped at you unfairly, but I never meant to hurt any part of you. I've only wanted nothing but happiness and fulfillment in your path. It may be an unattainable goal, but it is still utterly beautiful to me, like you! I mourn for the pain and helplessness, I caused you, my love, but I joy in the closeness that was shared by our finally coming together.
There are many things I could write and many things my heart begs me to tell you, but I feel you already know the most important truths. Firstly, I love you with everything that is in me; that includes every part that loves Cheyenne. She is your daughter, Jasper, and that is a magnificent joy I share with you!
Secondly, you were always enough for me. I may not have fulfilled that role for you, but I never wanted for anything in regards to you. Our bodies shared a passion unmatched by anything I've ever experienced. Our hearts shared a beat that didn't only reside in me, but in our every touch. Our lips shared a taste that is utterly unique to the sense. Our lives shared a common path, look back and see our footprints always beside the others.
Thirdly, our souls truly touched, my love. I have no explanation for this, nor would I ever want one. It was beautiful in its mysterious shroud. Not everything needs to be defined, and our souls refused to be labeled. Every time we touched your loving warmth flooded me, Jasper. And each time I would marvel at the connection and thank the heavens for such a sublime gift. You also share that gift with our daughter. If we never touch again, Jasper, know that I left the best part of me behind and feel that warmth from our daughter. She is the greatest thing I ever did, besides loving you.
Lastly, but never complete, thank you for saving my life in every aspect of the concept. As a little girl, you rescued me from the harshness of the desert and anything that could have harmed me. And then, once again you miraculous came into my life, not on your white horse, but in your fabulous car . . . LOL. I opened my eyes, scared, in a dreary hospital, and saw that person from so long ago. He was unchanged physically, but the sadness that lingered in his dark eyes that night was gone. It was like nothing yet everything had changed. In the depths of my desolation, Jasper, you shined your eternally bright soul on my dark path. I was incredibly lonely and frightened, but you didn't allow that for long. Our lives once again converged and our souls rejoiced at the reunion.
Everything hasn't been smiles and shy looks, but that okay. It would have been boring otherwise . . . LOL. I like to believe that we weathered our storms together, my love, and came out even stronger than before. Yes, fate tried to up heave our path, but with a love as strong as ours, I'm not sure that's possible.
Even if I didn't exist in this plane, Jasper, I would love you. Nothing could ever take that away, how could they; it was always yours. Everything inside me always bled for you, my love. I never want you to forget that truth, Jasper. I'm always with you. All you have to do is look up and tell me your truths. I'll hear them, Jasper. I hear everything!
I give everything to you, my love. Always, always, always live and love for me. Don't stop living because of me. Live for me in spite of everything.
Tell our daughter she was my most cherished accomplishment. I want her to love and know I'm watching her. I may not be there to kiss her face, laugh at her jokes, brush her hair behind her ears, or give her motherly advice, but I'll watch every step she ever takes in her life and be proud.
Remember, Jasper, with everything inside me, I loved you and Cheyenne. We shared a love that is unsurpassed by any; our very souls knew that truth. I'll go now, but I'll never be terribly far from you. Every soft breeze you feel is my soul caressing your skin. I already asked the wind to touch you often, Jasper and it agreed.
Take care, my love. And with so much love that I cannot contain it inside me, I cherish you!
My cup spillith over!
- Bella (reluctantly . . . LOL . . . angel)
Author's Notes: I just wanted to thank everyone who left me a review for the last chapter (epilogue) of this story! They were so amazing and I love you all. Thank you for touching my heart deeply! Also, thanks to those who continue to add to their favorites! If you have the time, I'd love to know what you think; everything is welcome. Even for previous chapters! I never tire of reading what you may thing (be that good or bad).
Hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving (those who celebrate it). Much love to everyone!
Posted: Monday 28 November 2011