3: Toilet paper the engineering room, lest we incur the wrath of Scotty
Author's note: In this chapter, I introduce two sort of antagonistic characters, one being Ensign Tyler, another being Andrea Mikelvitch Chekov (I know Sulu said Chekov was an only child, but I put an explanation in there for that, too). Anyways, enjoy!
"I'm so bored!" mumbled Chekov.
"You and me both," Sulu replied. "I can't believe that Bones went at ratted us out to Captain Kirk even though we got him a girlfriend out of it!"
Indeed, Dr. Lenard McCoy had gotten them into so much trouble, they didn't really want much to do with him at the moment. Not only had he gotten their house arrest extended for three weeks by tattling, he'd also personally checked their closet to make sure that they had no prank items in there. Unfortunately for them, they had just finished getting all of their toilet paper ready. He'd angrily asked them both what the meaning of it was, and had called the Captain to do the same. It was Chekov's innocent façade that had saved the two pranksters that time.
"What prank? I don't know about a prank involving toilet paper!" he'd insisted. Then again, Sulu still hadn't told him his plan for the toilet paper. One of the good things about them was that whenever one had a plan, he didn't tell the other the full details until literally the last minute.
Well, I don't think I'll even need to, Sulu thought ruefully. The Captain had confiscated every single roll of toilet paper, even the one currently being used, and had sent out an order that no toilet paper was to be given to either of them until their house arrest was over.
Sulu and Chekov had separately sworn that after this, they'd never look at tissues in the same way. Or paper towels. Blech.
"Well, what were you planning to do with that toilet paper anyway?" Chekov asked morosely. Sulu once again thought that Chekov's moaning and complaining was the worst punishment that anyone could endure.
Maybe I should lock a certain someone that I want to kill in a room with Chekov for a few weeks, he thought. That would be amusing.
"There was no need," Sulu replied. "We're not going to get a chance to do our prank."
"We need a third partner in crime," Chekov complained. "Someone that isn't associated with us. Someone who could get toilet paper."
"Well, you're the best partner in crime that one could have. I've never seen anyone else actually take the time to pick a lock instead of vaporizing it," Sulu replied.
"Ditto," Chekov replied. "I've never had such a great partner in crime. You've taught me not to be a total naïve prick and how to put my lock-picking skills to use. I haven't stolen so much since I was ten and didn't know better than to break into my sister's room and poke through her stuff-what's with that look?"
A smile was slowly spreading across Sulu's face.
"Thanks a billion, Pavel," Sulu grinned at him, using his friend's rarely-mentioned first name. Chekov preferred his "rather cool-sounding" (as he put it) last name. "You've given me an idea for how we're getting our toilet paper."
"I don't like where this is heading," Chekov mumbled nervously. His eyes sparkled with excitement, however, as his prankish personality began to wake up. Indeed, he knew what Sulu wanted him to do.
After all, he hadn't been caught using his lock-picking skills for other than impressing Sulu and girls since his sister had caught him reading her diary when they were children. Chekov was sure she'd given him both physical and emotional scars.
"And what if he catches me?" Chekov asked Sulu nervously.
"Pfft. It should be me that you should be worried about," Sulu replied. "I'm the lookout. If he catches me, I'll be the one who gets in trouble, while you can hide. "I'm not that fast!"
"Quit your arguing so that we can finish our mission faster!" Sulu shot back and shoved Chekov into the cabin. He then stuck his hands into his pockets and began to whistle in what he hoped was an inconspicuous way. Everyone who passed him, however, knew that he was on official pranking business with Chekov. As a result, they all became very nervous; they remembered the last two pranks the two had pulled and the resulting anger of the Captain and Dr. McCoy. At the same time, they were far too nervous to tell him that he ought to be in his quarters. They didn't exactly want to be the next target of his pranks. Only the Captain, Dr. McCoy, Mr. Spock, Mr. Scott, and Lieutenant Uhura weren't afraid of them.
Chekov, meanwhile, began to hum the Metal Gear Solid theme, thinking it rather appropriate for the current mission. Besides, the Captain was very fond of Metal Gear Solid, and since Chekov was going to break into the Captain's quarters, it made it all the more fitting.
He was picking the lock of the Captain's closet when he heard Sulu's loud voice outside.
"No, Captain! I'm on my way to the bathroom! You didn't give us any toilet paper!"
"For heaven's sake, Sulu, don't tell the entire world! And besides, you're supposed to stay in your quarters all the time!" came the Captain's voice in reply. Chekov gave a nearly inaudible yelp and pried the lock open just then. He then leapt into the closet and shut the door hurriedly.
"But Captain, Chekov's whining is getting on my nerves! Do you really think that I have to put up with it 24/7 and enjoy it? Cut me some slack!" Sulu's voice angrily replied.
So that was why Sulu had told him not to care about anything that he said.
Just then, he heard the Captain enter. Chekov could hear him humming as he moved around the cabin. Wait, was he ballroom dancing? What in the name of-
Then Chekov remembered that they'd all been a little stressed lately. Maybe this was the Captain's way of letting off some stress. Chekov's way involved pranks, but it was obvious that the Captain's was far less destructive.
Just then, the Captain finally finished dancing and walked into the bathroom. Chekov suspected that he would take a long bath. Now was his chance to escape with the toilet paper! He grabbed as much as he could carry, tossed it in the bag that Sulu had reminded him to take and ran out. Hopefully, Sulu would be there waiting for him.
Fortunately, Sulu was waiting for him.
So was Scotty. It appeared that he had Seen Sulu and was now having a friendly conversation. However, when Chekov exited the Captain's quarters carrying a rather suspicious-looking bag.
"Laddies, ye be pullin' yer pranks again, ain't ye?" Scotty asked suspiciously. Sulu looked down, trying not to seem too guilty, but Chekov looked at Scotty with his best "innocent eyes".
"Now, why would we do that? We're already in lot's of trouble!" Chekov cried. Sulu nodded and did his best to look innocent as well. Scotty just shook his head and dragged them down the hall back to their quarters. He wasn't falling for their performance.
And he was definitely asking the Captain about their toilet paper situation.
"Sulu! He almost caught us!" Chekov gasped as soon as they'd returned. "That was the closest call possible!"
Sulu just nodded and began to add extra rolls of toilet paper to the bag.
"Where'd you get those?" Chekov asked.
"Redshirts," Sulu replied. "I mean, I raided some of the dead ones' quarters last night. Turns out that redshirts have lots of toilet paper to spare."
"So, we're ready!" Chekov was grinning.
"Yep!" Sulu replied. "Our target? Scotty."
"Because he's telling the Captain anyway."
"That we were stealing from his quarters?"
"Couldn't we pick another target, Sulu? I mean, Scotty's bound to suspect something!"
Sulu grinned mischievously.
"Okay, you're saying that we go pick Dr. McCoy instead?"
"Okay, okay, calm down! We wouldn't do that anyway! Now get the toilet paper and follow me!"
"GAH! WHO DID THIS?"
Scotty had been gone for two hours and had returned to the engineering room to find it covered in toilet paper.
All of the machines were wrapped in it, causing them to look almost mummified. The walls were coated in it in some places, reminding Scotty of when he was about to graduate and three cadets who were known as the original redshirts had given his dorm the same treatment.
"Ensign Tyler! Do ye have anythin' te do with this 'un?" Scotty asked the Ensign angrily. Ensign Tyler was Scotty's least favorite aboard the ship. He liked him even less than any of Sulu or Chekov's pranks. Tyler was relatively new to the crew, but in the time he'd been there, he'd served as an antagonistic force. As a matter of fact, more dangerous situations that Sulu and Chekov had been blamed for were blamed on Tyler. Scotty would never forgive him for finding a Phaser on overload in his quarters. Or having let out Sulu's Gamma IV Venus Fly Trap of Terror That Inconveniently Fired Lasers and was Poisonous (as it was called. No other name would suit the monstrous plant without ripping off Harry Potter or Legend of Zelda).
"Of course I'd never do such a thing!" whined Ensign Tyler. "But I caught Sulu and Chekov doing it. On camera!"
Scotty watched the video footage, seeing undeniable evidence that it had been Sulu and Chekov. He sighed.
"Bring me Sulu and Chekov. An' try not te choke Chekov this time, lad. Last time ye had te handle him, he was stuck in Sick Bay for a week," Scotty instructed. A minute later, Sulu and Chekov returned. Chekov was holding his neck and grimacing. Scotty reminded himself that he'd have to have a talk with Tyler later.
"Laddies, did ye do this?" he asked the two and pointed around the room. Sulu and Chekov, not giggling this time, exchanged one look and nodded quietly. The fact that Scotty didn't seem to be angry at them was worrying them.
"Ye be breakin' rules left and right, misters, and that's not a good habit to get into," Scotty continued. Sulu and Chekov looked confused.
"Well, as it seems gettin' angry with ye isn't workin', it seems that I'll have te try a different tactic. So the two of you are gonna clean up this mess."
"WHAT?" shrieked Sulu and Chekov in the same voice. Well, from Chekov it sounded more like "Vhut?" but that wasn't exactly relevant.
"You can't make us do this!" Chekov shouted.
"Would ye prefer that I turn ye over te the Captain? And Chekov, lad, I'm doin' this for yer own good. Did ye hear that yer sister's comin' to visit in a month? I know for a fact that ye wouldn' appreciate havin' to be stuck in yer quarters while she's here! And there's the fact that the Captain promised he'd let her know if you got mixed up in even one other prank."
Chekov gave a squeak of fright when his sister, Andrea, was mentioned. She was a terror! When his parents had died, she'd single-handedly destroyed his childhood-err, raised him as best she could. 'As best as she could' meant that Chekov lived in constant fear of her. Even the mentioning of the name 'Andrea' could send him into a screaming fit. Oh, she was nice, but did she have a temper!
"I'll help you, Scotty! Just don't tell the Captain! If he finds out, to quote an English phrase, I'm screwed!" Chekov almost cried with relief.
"What are you three gentlemen talking about-is that toilet paper?"
Oh, crud. It was the Captain. Or rather, a very angry Captain.
"Thank god Scotty covered for us," Sulu gave a sigh of relief. "If he were a bit younger and had less responsibilities, I bet he'd join our gang."
Indeed, Scotty had performed admirably for Sulu and Chekov. He'd smoothly explained to the Captain that there had been a water failure, and that they were using the toilet paper to mop it up. He'd also explained that Sulu and Chekov were helping him. As a result, Sulu and Chekov's house arrest sentence was shortened.
"Yep. Thank god for Scotty," Chekov added. "If Andrea came through her-Bah! I've been given a nightmare by her name!
"Why did tell me you were an only child?" Sulu asked worriedly.
"I didn't want you know I was related to a pathological, sadistic creep who loves torturing siblings!" Chekov looked exasperated. "And you forgot to get toilet paper again. We used it all on the prank."
"Hey, look on the bright side. 'The Wrath of Scotty' wasn't as bad as we thought it would be! He barely had any wrath at all!"
"If that was a pun on The Wrath of Khan, it wasn't funny."
"You need to get the Christmas spirit into you a bit," Sulu teased.
"Yep! And how better than to look for Santa's elves?"
"Huh? What? I am not following you, Sulu."
"I mean, let's look for Santa's elves among the crew!"
"Are there any?"
"Oh, you bet there are. I already know of one…"