Disclaimer: I do not own Saw or any of these lovely characters in it.
So I didn't intend for this to be so…lengthy. Got kinda carried away in the man love though. Enjoy and please review!
He waited until the familiar sound of the pager rang throughout the bedroom before he made his move. The man beside him stirred and a large warm hand ran through his hair, making tears form in his 'pretend to be sleeping' eyes. The weight on the bed shifted and he felt his partner, his lover, move over to the side and reach clumsily for the device. A few more beeps were audible as he checked the message and then turned it off again. He sighed audibly and suddenly the familiar weight was gone.
Adam cringed silently at the lack of company. They'd opted for a king sized bed because of Lawrence's height but spent most of the night curled up together in the middle. Even if Adam tried to move away Lawrence's arm would always find its favorite place – linked around his waist. And while he pretended to be annoyed by this, the feeling of warmth it created was something he missed terribly when it wasn't there.
Because he was so cold inside. Ice cold.
He heard Lawrence shuffling around in the bathroom and waited. He dared to open his eyes briefly to see that the sun was just barely creeping through the small hole in the blinds and pointing a ray of light straight at the picture of he and Lawrence on his bedside table. They had taken it shortly after they'd gotten out of the bathroom – in the hospital. They were both in the worst physical shape they had ever been in, but you'd never know it by the size of the smiles on their faces. That was shortly after Lawrence announced that he and Alison were getting a divorce. That he had made the decision because of Adam. Because he wanted to be with Adam for the rest of his life.
The memory caused more tears to pop up in Adam's eyes and he quickly blinked them away. He had wanted to be with Lawrence forever too. He had wanted the happiness that everybody else had. The normal life that everyone else had filled with love and happiness and good china and maybe even a dog.
That was before he realized that he would never be normal. That he would never be the 'husband type' and could never make Lawrence happy in the way that Lawrence did for him. He could never give of himself in that way because he had nothing to give. And if there was anything, it certainly would not be good enough to fit what Lawrence deserved.
He heard the bathroom door open and quickly closed his eyes again. He wiped any remaining tears off of his face and waited. Lawrence stepped out of the bathroom – dressed as a doctor again- and made his way over to their bed. He sat down on Adam's side and then…nothing. Adam continued to wait, continue to feign sleep, because he knew that Lawrence would have no choice but to walk out the door soon. He felt the warmth of Lawrence's hand again, this time on his leg that was still protected by the comforter. He heard Lawrence's breathing getting heavier and began to wonder why he hadn't left yet. Because every moment that passed Adam lost another ounce of strength. Every moment he felt less and less able to take the high road and walk out of this man's life – even though he knew it would be for Lawrence's own good. He was trouble. He had always been trouble and had always brought trouble onto everyone he ever cared about. He would not do that to Lawrence- the one person in his life that he truly loved. He refused.
"Adam?" He heard Lawrence's voice. It was soft and barely audible over the sounds of traffic outside the window. The hand was still there, clutching his leg like a lifeline.
Then, just like that, it was gone. Lawrence's weight was gone and he heard the sounds of his large doctor shoes walking towards the door. Adam had to bite his lip to keep from crying. The emotion overwhelmed his chest and he clutched the blanket so hard that his knuckles turned white.
But Adam was bad. And Lawrence was good. Bad people deserved bad things to happen to them. Bad people, like Adam, did not deserve to be loved in such a perfect way as Lawrence could. He did not deserve arms around his waist or kisses in the middle of the night. He did not deserve breakfast in bed when the nightmares kept him up so late that he was unable to get out of bed the next morning. He did not deserve Lawrence to whisper his love to him when all he saw in his head was Jigsaw closing that door behind him.
So now he waited. He waited to hear the front door close for good so that he could pad over to the closet and take out his ratty old duffle bag. He waited so that he could stuff into it all of the torn and dirty clothes he'd come into this home with. So that he could go pull his cigarettes out from their hiding spot, behind Lawrence's book on lung cancer which he never opened, and take them with too. He would take with him only what he'd come with because that was all he deserved. All of the other clean, good smelling, comforting stuff in this house was Lawrence's, of course.
And Lawrence deserved all of it. He deserved all good things, which was why Adam knew he could not stay even though he wanted to desperately.
But the sound never came. The front door never opened or closed. Adam opened his eyes and knew that he was not alone in the room. Sensing that the cherade was up, he shifted until he could see the bedroom door where Lawrence stood. His back was to Adam and he supported his weight on the wall. He looked as if he might fall over at any moment. Adam couldn't remember seeing him this way since the bathroom and he felt a lump rise in his throat.
"You know I can't live without you, right?" His voice shook a little when he spoke, which was not like Lawrence at all. Adam felt chills run through his spine. He pushed himself up in bed and only then realized how wet his sheets were with his own tears.
"Lawrence…" He began, but wasn't sure where to go from there. His own voice cracked and he was determined to regain control of it.
"I can't." he watched as Lawrence shifted the weight onto his good foot and turned to face him. He had tears running down his face. Adam's heart fell into his stomach. "You are the best thing that has ever happened to me and for that I thank Jigsaw." He paused and took a deep shaky breath. "Adam, I would gladly cut off my other foot too if it meant that you would stay."
He lost it then. The young punk, who had cried only once or twice in his life before that day in the bathroom, lost it. He buried his face in his heads and ran his fingers up through his tangled bed hair, not even caring when it hurt. He was so angry with himself for hurting the one person who loved him that he wanted to pull it out. He wanted to cause himself as much pain as he could because he deserved it.
"Lawrence, what if I can't? I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to be a husband. I don't know how to love anybody. You're close to your family – hell you see your parents once a week for brunch. They didn't even love you any less when you came out to them. Last I heard from my mom she wanted bail money! And my dad…well his one true love is drugs." The words came out of him like verbal vomit. He couldn't stop them as much as he wanted to, he could barely breathe in between them. "I am fucked up Lawrence. And it's not just because of Jigsaw and it's not just because of that fucking bathroom! It's me. I'm fucked up. And I don't know where and how I could ever fit into your amazing, loving, perfect life even though I want to so bad…"
Before any more words could escape, Lawrence was there. He hobbled over and engulfed Adam in a hug that was so tight that it kept him from falling to pieces. Adam felt the sobs emanating from his chest and as much as he tried he couldn't stop them. Lawrence, doctor coat and all, accepted all of the tears and sobs until Adam had nothing left.
Only then, did Lawrence speak again.
"I cheated on my wife. I cheated on her on our honeymoon. I've never been a good husband, not for more than an hour at least. I'm not the best dad sometimes either. Some nights, Diana wanted me to read her bedtime stories and the whole time all I could think about was being at work or with one of my nurses in some hotel."
Hearing this, Adam removed his face from Lawrence's chest and met his now glassy blue eyes. Lawrence continued. "Some days I don't know how to do this either, Adam. I've never felt for anybody like I feel for you. At night, I wake up and I see you and all I know is that I love you. I don't know how to make your nightmares stop or how to make you understand that you are a strong, intelligent, funny person who makes me happier than anybody else ever could. That sometimes I'm scared that I'm going to do something to screw this up because I'm not perfect either, Adam. " He smiled and cupped Adam's face in his warm hand. "But you love me anyway. You know all of my imperfections and you love me anyway. Just like I know that you still smoke sometimes and that you get grouchy when your hungry and you never empty the dishwasher when its finished... "
"OK OK, I get it." Adam still clung to Lawrence's coat, but the tightness in his chest had disappeared. He felt the familiar peace that always came when he was with Lawrence. The peace he never wanted to leave behind, never.
"Listen Adam, and hear me." The demanding tone caught Adam's attention again and he did his best to listen, despite the sound of Lawrence's pager going off yet again. "I knew that you were fucked up the day I met you. It didn't stop me from falling in love with you and it won't stop me from loving you until the day I die. You are my fucked up little Adam and I can't imagine life without you. So stop trying to save me from your demons and start letting me do my job and save you. "
There wasn't much to say after that. Adam begged Lawrence to stay so that they could, in his words, fuck each other senseless but Lawrence was already in trouble for ignoring his first page. On his way out, Adam had to stop him at the door to ask one important question.
"Hey Lawrence, how'd you know about my smokes?"
Lawrence chuckled and turned around in the doorway again. This time he looked happier than Adam had ever seen him.
"Behind my book on lung cancer? Adam, I may have my faults but I'm not stupid."
Adam leaned back in bed and smiled in his usual frustrated way. "Fine. I'm gonna find one badass hiding spot and your never gonna find them again."
"Yea, we'll see." Lawrence laughed in a way that made Adam love him even more and started towards the front door. He called back one last time before he'd gone. "Love you fuck up."
"Yea yea see you tonight, stud."