A/N - BellaFlan and DoUTrustMe wrote this bit of ridiculousness to celebrate Mac214's birthday. Happy Birthday! We lubs you hard. Thanks to WriteonTime for beta'ing this atrocity. Aro/Emmett outtake of Reaper! (No turkeys were harmed in the writing of this.)
Sweat trickled down through my chest hair; my skin felt overheated, and not just because I could see Aro's turkey tail bobbing up and down flirtatiously where he waddled in front of me through the open arch of the monkey enclosure.
With a hot, hairy man in a turkey costume at my side and gorilla statues surrounding us, I was one happy sexual deviant.
Aro scratched the head of one of the statues affectionately before swinging the gate closed and locking it.
"This costume is too binding," I complained, unzipping the front of the panda suit in an attempt to cool down. "I'm thinking of just going with the head when we go next year's Furbidden Love Convention."
"Mmmmmm. I like the head, but what about the costumes? That's half the fun."
"No, the head of the costume, perv."
We reached the heavy metal door for Aro's office with the official-looking gold plaque that read "Aro Smith, Director of Simian Affairs". I always wondered if the thick metal was for his protection somehow. Are they afraid the monkeys will escape and attack him? I wondered, as an image of Charlton Heston screaming about damn, dirty apes popped into my head.
Aro inserted his key, groaning orgasmically as he turned the knob and opened the door to his messy office-slash-living area. Papers and cardboard cups littered the space, and it was impossible to walk without crunching on something. Huh. Guess the cleaners weren't doing their job. I wondered what happened to that strange superintendent dude who worked there . . . I couldn't remember his name.
"At least you got to be a bear. I'm poultry. I think I'm molting." Aro didn't sound pleased as he sloughed loose feathers off of his rump. Actually, that wasn't true because he always sounded pleased. "Ohhhhhhhh," he moaned, his caruncle and snood vibrating. "What's a male turkey called again?"
"Maybe I should have dressed as a duck," I mused, watching the feathers drift gently to the floor and blend into the filth on the speckled carpet. There were brown stains in one corner, and I wondered if Cunnilingus had been doing her thing over there. "We could have recreated the Christmas Turducken when I stuffed you with my-"
"Cock. Are male turkeys called cocks or are those chickens?"
"Dude, I don't know, but I definitely prefer cocks to chicks."
"For that, I'm grateful," Aro said fondly as I fumbled with my costume. A section of my abundant chest hair caught on the zipper, and I squeaked out an unmanly yelp of pain. "It's caught."
"Thumper?" Aro gasped.
"No, not my dick, my zipper." It wouldn't budge. "Dude, I think we need lube."
"Oh, god, lube. Mmmmm, oh, oh, ohhhhhh!"
"Focus!" I grabbed Aro's cock to get his mind out of his pants. "Hold the suit steady while I try to untangle my man-fuzz."
"What about the lube?"
"Shit, I think we need Fellatio."
"Well," Aro said, dropping to his knees and pulling me forward aggressively. "If you think it'll help."
"Ow! No, the monkey. When he was living with us, I trained him to fetch lube. Please don't ask why." It wasn't as bad as it sounded. I had him sneak into Edward's room and replace his hair gel with it. That was the real reason I'd dubbed him "Sex-hair."
"Fellatio's down in the habitat with Frank, Cunnilingus, and Sodomy."
"That's a strange name."
"Frank? Yeah, I thought so too. Not my doing. I wanted to name him Ballsack."
I held my breath and jerked down the zipper, but I only succeeded in yanking off the metal foot. "Damn!"
"How are we going to get you out of that hairy prison? Do you want me to get the pliers?"
"You know I'm afraid of anything that resembles tweezers." I shuddered at the thought.
Aro looked longingly at my trapped dick as it strained against the suit and pointed at him like a trained seal. "How are we going to get it off?" he asked.
"The usual way." I shrugged. "But let's figure out a way to get me out of the costume first, okay?"
"Scissors are out of the question too. Too risky." Standing up to his full height, he raised his voice and called out. "Shirley, there must be a way!"
"Dude. Did you just call me Shirley?"
"No, I was yelling for the superintendent. Remember Shirley? He's only here part-time as a second job, but he has all sorts of useful gadgets like fogmakers and casket winches. Surely he knows how to get you out."
"Surely," I agreed.
"Shirley!" Aro called.
"There's something strange about that guy," I commented. "Do you ever get the feeling he's one nut short of a fruitcake?"
Aro stifled an uncomfortable laugh. "He's two nuts short of a fruitcake."
"Wait, what? The dude is missing his balls?"
"And half his pecker."
"That explains why he can't get the cleaning crew to actually do any work around here." I attacked the front of the costume again, and managed to lower the head of the zipper an inch or so. The exertion didn't help my whole sweaty situation any, and I could feel rivulets of moisture streaming down my back hair.
"Mmmmmm. You'll never get your deposit back if you rip it," Aro commented.
I looked down to hide my embarrassment. "Er... I bought this one. And the Sasquatch. And the grizzly. The gorilla costume I wore last time was the only one I rented."
"Ooooohhhhhhhh. The Sasquatch was my favorite," he said over his shoulder as he went out into the hall. "Shirley!"
"I remember. That's why it's still at the cleaners."
With one last vicious tug, I managed to rip the zipper teeth apart and peel the top of the costume down to my waist. I breathed in a huge sigh of relief and rubbed my chest where precious hairs had been plucked out and were attached to the broken zipper.
Aro peeked his head around the door just as I lowered the costume to my hips. "Don't panic, my monkey man; we'll have you out of that hairy coat in no time."
"Uh . . . Aro? This is my hairy coat. The costume's off."
"Ohhhhhh. Ahhhhhh," Aro said admiringly. "Did you get exponentially fuzzier?"
"Possibly. It's getting colder and my winter coat is starting to come in."
"It's so lustrous." Aro sighed dreamily and a wave of pleasure shot straight through my groin, tightening my balls. "I want to make you squeal like an otter."
"Do otters squeal?" I asked breathlessly, lowering my costume to the floor and kicking it off into a pile of zoo pamphlets.
"They do when they're making love to other otters."
"That's hot. "
"Yes. We're all just animals underneath our fuzz."
"I knew there was a reason I'm dating a zoologist." I nodded, and my cock bobbed in agreement as I unleashed it from my shorts.
"Take off your turkey costume. Except for the tail," I directed breathlessly. "And the beak. I want to admire your snood."
"No. That's my hard limit."
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to ruffle your feathers."
"I know, my fuzzy wuzzy. I just wish the costume shop wasn't out of mammal costumes. A polar bear to your panda would have been perfect."
"Next time I'll be the poultry if you want," I offered. "The strutting peacock costume is right up my alley." I petted my own strutting peacock in preparation as I watched Aro de-fowl in preparation for our tryst.
I mentally prepared myself, but it still hit me like a battering ram, and I fell back onto the desk, writhing in ecstasy.
"Don't . . . stop," I managed to squeeze out between pants and if I wasn't already naked, my dick, too, would be squeezing out of my pants. "Don't stop!" I repeated with a loud moan.
"Emmett, you have to be quiet. It upsets the animals, remember?"
"I can't it's . . . just so . . . I don't know how you do it but . . ."
"Did someone call me?"
I slithered off the desk and hid behind it before Shirley could see Thumper in his natural habitat. Luckily, Aro's broad shoulders blocked his line of vision to the desk.
"Ooohh. Ummmm. Yes, that was me," Aro admitted smoothly. "I was just wondering when you were going to get someone to clean my office."
"Are you a chicken?"
"No. A turkey."
"Oh. The snood is similar so it's hard to tell."
"Oh . . . I meant to remove that. What about my office?"
Aro could be such a force of nature when he wanted to be, and my heart puffed up with pride.
"Well, It was supposed to be cleaned last week."
"That's what you said last week. And the week before."
Shirley didn't seem the least bit perturbed. "I'll make you a deal," he said, picking up what looked like a sardine covered in brussels sprouts and stuffing it in his mouth. "I, er, noticed the costumes-"
Grabbing my shorts and popping Thumper back into his cage, I crawled out around the side of the desk. "Hey!" I protested. "I'm not wearing one anymore."
"Oh. I thought you'd changed from a panda to a black bear. The thing is . . . you see, things don't exactly work very well for me anymore, er, downstairs."
"What do you mean?" I asked innocently, not wanting to let him know Aro revealed his secret.
"Well, let's just say if I was the turkey in the room, I'd only be half-cocked." He shifted his feet awkwardly, staring pointedly at the floor. "Could I join you fellas?"
"We don't do threesomes with half-dicked men named Shirley," Aro said quickly.
"No, I don't want to join you in your sexual shenanigans. I meant, well, I've always found fowl rather winsome. Could I be the chicken next time Furbidden Love is in town? I'm dying to go to one of those shindigs, but a little shy to attend by my lonesome."
"You're one of us?" I gasped in excitement.
"A freak? Noooo. I'm just a furry."
A/N - Happy Birthday, Mac! You are the snood to our caruncle.