Dobby vs. Punishment
WARNING: misspellings and abused grammar are intentional in this fic. There might be a few places where it isn't but for the most part it's for character's sake.
Bad Grammar ahead. You have been warned.
And now, the first installment of the Epic Tale: Dobby House Elf and the Popular Culture.
Dobby knows what wes needs and what the Great Harry Potters is needing. The Great Wizard Harry Potter has many bad wizards after him and he's be needing Dobby's help. Dobby knew long ago that there be something wrong with the bad masters.
They be needing punishment.
Dobby didn't know what to do, so Dobby went to ask the Great Wizard Harry Potter for Harry Potter's Great Advice.
"Dobby be needing help from the great Harry Potter, but Dobby be too weak to be worthy of the Great Harry Potter's helps," I tolds him.
"That's okay, Dobby," the Great Harry Potter says. "There isn't much I can do this summer with Marge over again, but I'll do what I can."
"Harry Potter be such a nice wizard! Must be bestest wizard in the WHOLE world," Dobby said. Dobby knows it to be the truth because Harry Potter is the Greatest Wizard ever! "Dobby be wanting to help the great Harry Potter fight the bad snake people, but Dobby not be knowing how."
"I don't want you to get hurt, but I'm glad you want to help," Harry said. "Maybe you could bring me things to read? It gets pretty boring up here in my room while Marge is around."
"Okay! Dobby be bringing bestest readings and stuffs," Dobby said with a big grin. Dobby grinses big when he helps the Great Harry Potter! So, Dobby popses and finds a big store with shiny reading stuffs with pictures. Dobby knowses wizardses like stuff with pictures because the little bad master couldn't read well if there weren't pictures. Little bad master was pretty stupid.
"I's be needing theses for the Great Harry Potter!" Dobby said to the fat man behind the counter. He was reading something calleded the Punisher. Dobby be thinking it be what Dobby needed. "Dobby take one of them, too!"
"Uh, okay, that'll be about a thousand two hundred and forty-five dollars," Fat Counter Boy saided.
"Dobby not be knowing what dollarses are, but Dobby have 1245 galleons instead," Dobby said, dropping the coins on the table.
Uh-oh, Harry Potter's Missy Hermy Grangy says wes not be clear and she needs to edit Dobby's journal. She be making it clearer, but saided Dobby will still be Dobby. That's good.
The remainder to be edited and transcribed by Hermione Granger for grammar and sanity. Situations and dialogue to be unchanged other than a few additions from witnesses.
"Here, Mr. Harry Potter, Sir! Dobby be getting yous reading material and somes for Dobby, tooses," Dobby said, dropping the obscenely large stack of comic books on Harry's lumpy bed. Dobby plucked the top one off the stack. "But Dobby be reading this one."
"The Punisher's War Journal? That looks a little violent," Harry said. "Are you sure you want to read that?"
"Oh yeses! Dobby am so happy the Great Harry Potter cares for Dobby, but Dobby be reading this one," Dobby said with the energy of a hyperactive poodle puppy on crack. Harry shrugged, leaned back on his bed and started reading a Green Arrow comic. Dobby, however, seemed utterly enthralled by the mentality of Frank Castle and before long, Dobby knew what he had to do.
"Dobby be having a plan to help the Great Harry Potter," Dobby said with a Romanesque salute across the chest. "Dobby be knowing it be bad to get the Great Harry Potter in trouble, so Dobby be right back."
With that, Dobby popped out of the room, leaving a confused Harry Potter watching the place where his free house elf friend was just a moment ago. Dobby, on the other hand, had other plans. He transported himself back to the comic shop he had been just a few hours before. The Fat Counter Boy gawked once more at the strange creature that had just bought one of every comic in the store a few hours earlier.
"Dobby be back and he be needing clothes," the little house elf said. The Fat Counter Boy nodded numbly and pulled down the black t-shirt bearing the distinctive symbol of Frank Castle on the front after the strange creature pointed it out. "Great! Now Dobby be needing gunzes. Where can Dobby be finding Gunzes, Fat Counter Boy?"
"Uh, you might try the gunshop across the street," the Fat Counter Boy said, a disbelieving expression on his face as he continued to stare at the little humanoid in front of him. "Can you hallucinate from eating bad Cheetos? Boss? Am I going insane?"
"Are you seeing a two foot tall gremlin thingy with an English accent that just shrunk a Punisher shirt to its size and is off buying guns?"
"We're still in Texas, right? Not England?"
"It's probably the bad Cheetos," his boss said in an equally numb voice. He held out his hand as Dobby struggled with the door by pushing where it said pull. "Pass a few more of those over. I never used to like Cheetos."
Dobby finally managed to open the door and ran across the street to the gun shop. After having similar trouble with the opposing door, this time pulling when he should have pushed, Dobby ran up to the counter, dressed in his Punisher shirt and nothing else. It was more than a little disturbing.
"Dobby needs guns," Dobby said firmly in a voice the allowed for little disagreement. "Big guns! Lots of Guns! And ammo too! Dobby needs to be protecting the Great Harry Potter from the bads snake's men!"
"Uh...what are you?" the gunsmith asked.
"Dobby," said Dobby. "And Dobby be needsing gunzes."
"Uh...okay," the man said befuddled by the strange creature. A little while later and a few thousand galleons less, Dobby had guns.
"Wait, Dobby," Hermione asked. "Where were you getting the money to buy these?"
"Stupid bad masters never tell Goblins that Dobby no longer bad master'ses elf, so Dobby be taking care of business with bad master'ses gold," Dobby said with a slightly manic grin.
"Oh, well," Hermione said, smirking a little at the turn of events. "Carry on, then."
Dobby the House Elf popped back to Harry's bedroom looking like a small elven Frank Castle with the shirt, the cargo pants and even a black bandana tied around his head. The little elf shrunk the weapons down to fit a creature of his size and started to lock and load.
"Uh, Dobby?" Harry asked as he sat up from his "research" in female anatomy. "Why do you have guns?"
"Dobby is going to take care of bad masters and the Great Harry Potter sir's problems," Dobby reported in an artificially gruff voice. "Then Dobby record it all in Dobby's War Journal. When Dobby kills bad masters and freeses elveses, Dobby will give them guns, too!"
"Oh," Harry said, his previous activity mostly forgotten as he tried to mentally digest what he'd just learned.
"Muggles'es knows that problems are solved with lots of guns," Dobby continued. "And Dobby finds Muggle solutionses to Pureblood problem ironic."
"Oooookaaaay. Just don't get your self killed," Harry was quick to reply.
Dobby ominously cocked a pump action shotgun. "Dobby not be getting killed. Dobby be handing out punishment."
And with that, Dobby popped away.
Dobby's Punisherer War Journal Entry, Day 1
Dobby tracked the bad masters to Dobby's old stomping grounds. Mr. Harry Potter Sir's enemies were swarming all over the place like fruit flies on an old piece of butterbeer soaked peaches that Winkie left out for ten weeks because she was drunk.
"Yes, Miss Hermy Grangy miss?"
"Get on with the story," Hermione commanded. "There's no need for self-monologue."
"But Dobby be Punisherer, so Dobby must self-monologue," the house elf protested.
"Fine, but just get on with the story."
Dobby knew the bad masters' snaky master was at bad masters' house with naughty mistress, serving like Dobby once did. Was bad enough that Dobby once felt sorry, but that was over. To take care of the problem, Dobby decided to use a sword of justice. It was the kind of sword that muggles prided themselves on, the kind of sword that could cut through enemies like a diffindo through... something that cutting curses cut really easily. That sword was called a Claymore. The nice man in green at the armory was really proud of them.
But these claymores were really small, so Dobby thought it would be a better tool, if Dobby enlarged them and filled them with more balls. Dobby made his claymore twenty-five feet tall and placed it in the Bad Masters' garden. Then Dobby painted "sword of justice" on the side in big blue letters.
"Crabbe! What's that wall doing in my mother's garden?" Draco Malfoy demanded as he looked out the window. The meaty minion leaned forward to see the whole thing.
"Dunno," Crabbe said, using all of his mental faculties to their fullest.
"Well, what does it say?"
"Uh, 'Sword of Justice'"
"Nonsense! That's not a sword!"
"And, uh, 'this side towards enemy,' huh?" Goyle finished. Soon, all three boys were looking out the window.
"Why would someone write something as nonsensical as that?" the younger Malfoy demanded.
"And that was when Dobby activateded the Sword of Justice," Dobby said gleefully, throwing his hands up in the air to emphasize a house shattering kaboom.
"Wait, the 'spell' that everybody's been researching at the Ministry was a giant muggle claymore?" Hermione asked, looking up from her quill and parchment.
"But it didn't end there," Hermione pointed out. Dobby sadly lowered his head.
"Nosers. Dobby only got little bad master and little bad master's friends and some of the others who wear skull fracking snakes," Dobby said.
"Dobby! Where'd you learn language like that?"
"Mr. Harry Potter Sir's cousin likes Battlestar Galactica," Dobby replied innocently. "When piggy cousin too stoned to notice, Dobby watches, too. So Dobby seenes every episode."
"Whatever, back to the story."
"My House! What happened to my house?" Lucius Malfoy screamed as he and his wife apparated to just outside the wards. Malfoy Mansion was in ruins. All that was standing was a giant metal wall with a garishly painted white skull on a black background. Judging by the way the paint was dripping, the culprit must have been there recently.
"No! My baby!" Narcissa Malfoy screamed in horror as she spotted a patch of blond hair stained red. Dobby watched from the shadows as the bad master swore revenge. Then Dobby shot bad master's head off with a sniper rifle. Hmmm... Dobby always did say naughty mistress looked better in red.
Dobby's Punisherer War Journal, Day 2
The mission at bad masters' house was a semi-success. While the skull fracking snakes weren't all there, it put a major chink in stupid snaky's plans for killing the Great Wizard Harry Potter sir! Dobby wasn't sure what to hit next, but his plan came when Dobby decided to get a newspaperses for the Great Wizard Harry Potter Sir.
The newspapers said that it was bad that some one hurt all those people who were "imperiusted" in the last war. Dobby knew that there must have been some skull fracking snakes at the newspapers. Dobby needed to become the Punisherer once more.
The Punisherer knew he needed more...what was word? Oh, yeah, 'intelligence.' Dobby, er, the Punisherer needed more intelligence on skull fracking snakes. So Dobby went to the Ministry. Dobby didn't expect to find much intelligence there, but that didn't stop Dobby the Punisherer from looking. Dobby found out that the Ministry keeps all their intelligence locked up away from peopleses and they don't be using it. Dobby the Punisherer be thinking that's stupid.
"Why does miss Hermy Grangy be laughing?"
Hermione wiped the tears of laughter from her eyes and got her mirth under control. "Sorry, Dobby, but people have been looking for intelligence in the Ministry for years and they never found it."
"Never mind, please continue."
So, with the list of people who were "imperiusted" in the last war, Dobby was ready to start Punishing them for being skull fracking snakes. Dobby finds that skull fracking snakes are really easy to Punish if they don't know Dobby's there. Lots of bad masters' friends died, er, were 'punished' that day. Dobby made sure to use the white spray paint to tag them with the sign of punishment. Stupid wizard press thought Dobby was a wizard. Except for Quibbler's editor; Xenophilius thought Dobby was a house elf on a rampage, but no one believeded him.
Dobby discovered that, as badmasters' friends were punished, pinky toady was getting upset. Then she sent the dementors to the Great Harry Potter Sir.
The Great Wizard Harry Potter didn't need Dobby's help, because Harry Potter is the Greatested and Bestest Wizard ever! But that made the pinky toady madder than pinky toady already was, and she and the bad masters' friend Fudge got the Great Harry Potter in trouble. Dobby thought they could use some punishment.
Dobby snuck into the pinky toady's house and put her in a sack. Then Dobby took the bad pinky toady to an 'undisclosed location' that was in the Great Harry Potter Sir's uncle's trunk. Dobby cast silence on the trunk and the bad pinky toady traveled around for five days on nothing but bread and water. On the sixth day, Dobby popped into the trunk to have a "chat."
Oh, and Dobby wore a glow-in-the-dark skull shirt, so the bad pinky toady could know what was going on. Dobby had made sure that the Great Wizard Harry Potter Sir's piggy cousin bought the Punisher movies (all of them) and watched them while stoned. Piggy cousin thought they were comedies, but Dobby knew them to be research materials. In Dobby's "chat" with the pinky toady, Dobby used a blow torch. Unfortunately, the blow torch was knocked out of Dobby's hands by the bad pinky toady and started melting a hole and started a fire. Dobby had to leave before the car blew up.
The papers said that the Great Wizard Harry Potter's uncle had kidnapped a woman and she died trying to escape. The papers said it was sad, but no one really knew the truth about pinky toady except for Dobby. Harry Potter Sir was brought in for questioning, but he didn't know anything about his uncle kidnapping women, but he did tell them about growing up in his old room. Bobby One and Bobby Two were very interested in that fact and took The Great Harry Potter's auntie to a new home with concrete walls and iron bars.. Then they caught Piggy Cousin doing drugses and took him to another place where he got to play special games with Bubbah. Bubbah had lots of ink, but wasn't a skull fracking snake, so Dobby didn't punish him.
Mr. Harry Potter Sir had fun at Privet drive that summer and invited all his friends. Dobby wanted to go, but there were still skull fracking snakes and the bad masters' snaky master out there. Dobby discovered that some people from the Emm Eye Five and the Sea Eye Eh really liked Dobby's galleons that he was still taking from the Malfoy vault, even if only naughty mistress was left. They gave Dobby lessons in many things like making bombs, marksmanship, and improvised weaponry, and gave him lots of Swords of Justice.
Dobby knew that to really take care of the problem, all the skull fracking snakes needed to be punished, but he'd get in trouble if he punished those who didn't deserve it. The Ministry wanted to know who was the "Skull Wizard" but many muggleborn wizardes and witcheses corrected them. See? They knew about the Punisher. Stupid purebloods didn't know what was going on. They accused the Great Harry Potter of killing the pinky toady, but he swore on his life and magic that he'd never even heard of the pinky toady before.
As the summer months rolled on, there was not many skull fracking snakes or their Slytherin spawn, but Dobby hadn't punished the snaky master yet, and it was getting harder and harder to find the skull fracking snakes. They were an endangered species, but the snaky master kept making more and more, so Dobby kept having to punish more and more. It was time for the Great Harry Potter and friends to go back to Hogwarts, but Dobby wanted to make sure that there weren't any other skull fracking snakes other than Mr. Whisker's greasy dungeon snake.
Dobby solved that problem, by physically tossing the little skull fracking snakes out windows. Miss Hermy Grangy calls that defenestration. Dobby calls it punishment.
"So, wait," Hermione said. "You've killed almost every Death Eater-"
"What is 'Death Eater'?" Dobby asked, cocking his head curiously. Hermione sighed and rolled her eyes.
"Um...'Skull fracking Snakes' are Death Eaters," she explained slowly. "But what are you doing next?"
"Well, Dobby be going to Disneyland," Dobby said.
"That's what the telly said to do," Dobby explained. He looked up at Hermione and saw her flexing her jaw without words coming out. He shrugged, waited a moment longer, and when he got no response, he scampered off. Later, when Hermione had a chance to recover, she sought out Harry Potter, the probable source of the problem.
"Harry, what are you going to do about Dobby?" Hermione inquired slowly.
"Wait until he gets onto something else, why?" he replied, looking up from his Charms essay.
"He's out there killing and you're just going to wait?"
"Honestly, he's just killing Death Eaters and other people who are likely to join up, but just haven't taken the mark yet," Harry said. "He's not doing anything to anyone who hasn't already become a monster."
"Hermione, it could be worse," Harry said, cutting her off. "Hell, it has been worse. At the beginning of last summer, Mrs. Figg let him watch her Sailor Moon collection. There's nothing more terrifying than a house elf in a Sailor Scout outfit."
Beginning of Last Summer:
"In the name of the moon, Dobby will punish you!"
"Holy crap!" Dudley said in horror. "Let's get out of here!"
"Much worse." Harry gave an involuntary shudder. He took a deep breath and continued. "He just needs to get onto something else. He's a good guy at heart."
The next morning, Harry awoke to a scream that could nearly shatter glass. He ran down from the boy's dorm to see Hermione Granger growling in absolute, undiluted rage. She also had red hair with her natural frizzyness, so she looked like she belonged at the helm of the Magic School Bus, rather than at a desk at Hogwarts. She was dressed in a jumper made out of a combination of colors that should have been illegal and a long purple dress that hit the floor.
"Uh, Hermione, what happened?"
"Dobby happened!" she snarled.
"I hate to bring this up, but you've got red hair and you're looking a little..." Harry gestured his arms to signify that she was a little more stick-ly than shapely that morning.
"I want my curves back!" Hermione demanded. "Where is that blasted elf?"
"Winky here," Winky said, dressed in a blonde wig, a pink tube top, and a denim skirt with a small pointed stake in one hand. "Why does Mr. Harry Potter have gray hair?"
Harry looked in a mirror and noticed, yes, he did have gray hair and a book tucked under his arm. He was also wearing tweed. He was supposed to be a little young for tweed.
"Oh, dear lord," Harry said before glancing down at the book in his hand. It was black leather with a raised border and six clearly distinguished letters. "Vampyr? Where have I seen this before?"
"In every generation, there is a chosen elf," Dobby said from the shadows in an overly serious voice. "One elf, in all the world, given the strength to fight the vampires, the demons, and the skull fracking snakes of darkness. She is the Slayer."
Harry and Hermione looked down at the elf. Dressed in a Hawaiian shirt and shorts with an eye patch, Dobby smiled warmly up at them. The sound that came from their mouths shouldn't have been humanly possible.
"What's up, Mr. H-man, sir?" Dobby asked in his best SoCal accent.
Another silly fic. This was originally an idea for "Thinking" but it seemed like it needed its own world, as it didn't quite mesh.
I don't own it, Joss, Disney and JKR do.
Thanks be to Greywizard once more.
Oh, and there will be at least one more chapter to this, but not too many.