No. I am not insane. Well, I guess that would depend on who you ask. This was never intended to be a story. It was just a simple little joke. That's how this came to be. This joke suddenly had a part two. Then it had a part three. Apparently, my friends over at the WW/SM group liked these enough that Hellacre13 requested I give it a finishing touch and post it for everyone to read and say, "What the?"
So here is the explanation.
The SM/WW group has many talented members. One of our members is a prolific and fabulous artist that goes by the name of Meejay. One of her recent WW/SM art pieces that she posted for all of us to enjoy caused Arcadia81, (another very talented author) to make a comment involving Batman. She said something about him wanting Diana and mentioned something about Batman sucking his thumb when he sleeps (especially if he feels frustrated) and she told Little C (that's my seven month old son, who can do some amazing things when he's wearing his superman pajama cape) that he should throw a poopy diaper into Batman's bat mobile.
Her mistake was that Batman heard what she said about him and he was understandably upset. He was so upset that he stormed into his bat cave found Tim's karaoke machine and started rapping away his anger. Yes. That's right. He busted some rhymes. This should not surprise anyone because the Batman is very, very skilled in so many different arena's that rapping is just a natural extension to his impressive array of skills.
So that bat rap was part one. There were not going to be anymore parts. They just sort of happened. Four parts later when the smoke cleared there were six Justice Leaguers in total that had graced the group with their rhyming.
The four parts have been put together for you to enjoy or to gasp at in disgust. I've rated this T. There is a lot of sexual innuendo and flat out rap about sex but nothing really graphic. I probably have way too many M stories going anyway LOL. Please remember I only wrote down what I heard. It doesn't mean that I condone what these guys are rapping about.
Sorry for such a short introduction. Next time I'll try to elaborate a little more
Poetry Is Good For The Soul
Batman was furious.
"Arcadia had no right to say those things about me or to allow Little C to throw a poopy diaper into my Batmobile! She knows how that makes me feel! If she ever gave in and slept with me she'd know that I don't suck my thumb. She'd know and then she'd feel really dumb."
Batman suddenly thought, "Hey! I just busted a rhyme! I know what I can do to get all of this frustration off of my chest! I'll do a Bat rap! Yeah, I can feel one coming on…
Gotta feel the beat first…Yeah! I feel it!
Hi, I'm Batman
And yes, Diana is hot!
But sleep with her?
I think not!
You see, there's a reason why I put up walls
But in her case it's simpler
I cherish my balls!
Cuz I'm Batman
I'm Dark and Scary
I can't be running around talking like a fairy
You see, my love life
It's never stale
You all remember Vicki Vale?
Yeah, she gave some real good tail!
I also remember fooling around with an exotic beauty in a pool.
She was Talia, the hot daughter of Ras Al Ghul
With her it was more than maybe
We went as far as to make a baby!
But she left me
It didn't work
She told me I was just too much of a jerk
So I went back to being lonely
I pretended to be strong
But I was full of Baloney
For quite a while I had no one
Then I hooked up with a girl who was lots of fun
She told me to call her Zee
She had no problem making out with me
She was hot and sweet and the daughter of a magician
When her father died she left me wishin
And so I was alone again, just like that
Til I met this raven haired hottie dressed up like a cat
She told me I made her wet and juicey
I knew right then I was gonna get some pu…"
"Master Bruce? Is everything alright?"
Batman tossed the karaoke microphone and recorder onto the floor of the batcave and quickly turned on the Batcomputer. Spinning in his chair to face Alfred, he answered eloquently using the full extent of his considerable education.
"Er, um, Yes! Yes Alfred! Everything is alright. Why do you ask?"
Alfred stared at Bruce for a moment, "Oh, alright, Sir. It is just that I could have sworn I heard rapping coming from down here…I say! Is that Master Tim's karaoke machine under your chair, Sir? I don't know how it got down here. You know how I try to keep everything so tidy."
"Um, yes. Yes you do. Wow! It is Tim's karaoke machine! That is just weird! Go ahead and take it. I'm done with…I mean, I don't want to roll over it by accident or anything. Yeah. I'm just going to stay down here for a while and work on a case…Oh no! It looks like Two-face and the penguin are at the Zoo. Those two are so scary. I wonder if I should call for back up? They're both so powerful. I just don't know if I'll be able to take them by my poor little self. Oh well I guess I'll just give it a try. See ya later, Alfred. Save me some cookies and maybe a glass of milk. You can leave them in kitchen for me. I won't be coming down the chimney." Batman spoke like a machine gun, jumped into his upgraded batmobile and was gone.
A few minutes later
Nightwing's sleek underwater craft sliced through the waters of Gotham Bay and then further away from the city. As he neared the sheer cliffs on the east side of Wayne Manor he slowed his approach. The laser guided technology of his boat directed his craft to the underwater tunnel that led to Batman's underground cave.
Nightwing docked his boat and leaped nimbly onto the cave floor. Moving with the grace of a jungle cat he made his way up to the large Batcomputer station. He found Alfred dusting and cleaning the equipment and noted that the latest "car" was gone.
"Hey, there Alfie! How's it hanging? Bruce just take off?"Dick asked his longtime friend and, with the exception of Bruce, the only man he considered like a father figure.
Alfred smiled broadly at the lithe, yet powerfully built young man. He remembered the small, lost and angry boy that had joined their dysfunctional family so many years ago. He was amazed and proud of the brave, selfless hero that now stood before him.
"Hello and welcome home Master Dick. Yes, Master Bruce left just minutes before you arrived and I will try to ignore your other question," Alfred answered with dignity and a relaxed twinkle in his eye. He always enjoyed young master Dick's humor.
"Holy stuffed shirts, Alfred! That's an important question! All guys should know at any given moment, how and to which side their thing is hanging. You never know who might ask. Um, you weren't neutered when you took this job were you? You know, like those eunuchs that get their stuff chopped off so that they're no danger to king's harem. Oh, and listen! I know this is a hard habit for you to break, but please! You have got to stop calling me Master Dick. It just sounds wrong. And anyways, I've already got a couple of ladies that call me that." Nightwing elbowed Alfred jokingly.
Alfred smiled briefly, as accustomed as he was to Nightwing's jokes, he couldn't bring himself to speak in that manner. Finished with his cleaning he started for the stairs.
"Hey. Isn't that Tim's Karaoke machine? Allllllfreeeeed. Were you down here singing again?" Dick asked him teasingly.
"Absolutely not, young master Di…Richard! I found it under Batman's chair a little while ago. I could have sworn I heard rapping or rhyming of some sort then. Couldn't be sure of course," Alfred answered.
"Under Batman's chair?" Nightwing asked, "You thought you heard rapping? We have got to listen to this!"
Nightwing rewound it a little bit and then hit play.
But sleep with her?
I think not!
You see, there's a reason why I put up walls
In her case it's simpler
I cherish my balls!
Nightwing hit the stop button and doubled over in laughter. Alfred stood by stiffly; a half smile cracked his stern, professional countenance.
"Holy Bat Rhymes! This is priceless! I could sell this on e-bay, or we could call it bat-bay! No! I know! Wally should be here any…"
"Hi Dick! Hi Alfred! Got any snacks around here?" Wally blurted as he blurred into the cave.
No one ever knew if he entered the cave through the house, through some outside entrance that he had discovered searching at super speed or if he just vibrated through the earth until he was in.
"Hello, Master Wally. I will fetch you some snacks straight away, sir." Alfred disappeared up the stairs to the mansion.
"Hey, Wally! You have got to listen to this! It's priceless!" Nightwing played the whole bat rap for Wally. They had to replay it five times in order to hear it all due to their loud involuntary bursts of laughter.
Finally they stopped laughing, crying and wheezing and just sat staring at the karaoke box with large stupid grins on their faces.
Alfred brought out a large plate of snacks for the two of them. Dick was able to eat two cookies before the large platter was empty. "Holy vacuum cleaners, Wally! Slow down! There's more where that came from and I'm hungry too!" Dick exclaimed exasperated by his best friend's eating habits and manners.
Wally grinned sheepishly, "Sorry. Had to replenish my energy reserves; I'm good now. So, what's the plan?"
"We need to do two things. First we have got to copy this and keep the copy up on the Watchtower. Anytime Bruce gives you a hard time, you just remind him that the rest of the League hasn't had the pleasure of hearing his lovely singing voice. Second, we have to show him that we can rap better than he can. He's really old! He's over thirty for crying out loud! There's no way we can let him out rap us! So we gotta come up with something. I think I already have something coming on. And with rapping, you gotta do it or write it when you feel the rhymes. You know what I'm saying?" Dick explained patiently.
"Um, yeah, sure, go ahead, you start then I'll take it from there," Wally agreed.
"Okay! Here we go!"
"Hey everybody, I'm the one called Nightwing
That's right I'm the one that makes the ladies sing
I can take out five ninja's at the same time and not perspire
And I have no trouble at all putting the ladies on fire
Ya see, I'm a natural. I don't even really try
Yet the girls keep following me, trying to catch my eye
But don't worry ladies
You've nothing to fear
I'm the kinda guy who's actually sincere.
My first was Batgirl with the yellow boots and gloves
She and I shared the greatest of loves
We would spend hours taking down crooks mile after mile
And when we got home she'd wanna do it doggie style!
She had a gorgeous figure and lovely hair of red
Our first night together we went at it everywhere but the bed
We worked out together to keep our bodies toning
One expert touch and I'd have her moaning
She was smart
With the computers she was a whizz
And she screamed my name every time I filled her with ji…"
"Master Wally Master Dic…Richard Would you two like some more snacks then? I happen to have several different types of sandwiches here and in the kitchen if you so desire," Alfred interrupted.
"Sure, Alfred! Your food is the greatest! Wally accepted.
"Holy massive heart attacks, Alfie! I swear, you get sneakier and sneakier everyday! I almost lost the two cookies I had the privilege of eating off of the giant tray you brought down earlier," Dick loudly informed while watching Wally for a reaction. "Try to warn somebody next time, alright?"
Alfred stood straight up, cleared his throat and looked Nightwing in the eye with an insulted look on his face, "As you wish Master Dic…Master Richard. I will attempt to make my next arrival more conspicuous." Alfred set the large platter down, straightened up, spun on his heels and again disappeared up the stairs into the mansion without a backward glance.
Dick chuckled at seeing the shocked look on Wally's face. "Don't worry. He's not really mad. It's just a game he plays. He always has to appear stuffy but he's the coolest guy ever. Besides, he knows I'm just messing with him."
Wally broke into a grin, "Okay, my turn. I know I can one up ya here. That was such a lame rap. You didn't even get past your first girl. Batman rapped about four girls!"
"That's because I was interrupted!" Dick defended himself.
"No excuses. Here goes." Wally began.
"Hi I'm Wally, I'm really fast
My girls they like me cuz I last and last
In less than a second I can dash around the world
If you want to baby I'll take you for a twirl!
Yeah I'm the Flash. My suits mostly red
But I never wear it while taking care of business in bed
There was this one time while I was on vacation
I had this hottie screaming about Good Vibrations!
I remember this cute oriental number who realized that a fake I was not
Before long she was begging me to super speed into her twa…"
"Master Wally. Master Di…Richard?" I am currently at the top of the stairs. I have more sandwiches and some lemonade here. I imagine you two are parched after all the training you are doing tonight." Alfred spoke loudly and sarcastically from the top of the stairs.
Wally and Dick chuckled at his interruption.
"Sure, Alfie! Bring them all down! Just make sure you give me the sandwiches. I don't know how he does it, but Wally managed to rap and eat all of the sandwiches at the same time! It wasn't even gradual either! One second there's a platter full of sandwiches, I blink and they and all of the crumbs were gone!"
Alfred came down the steps and set the tray of sandwiches a little nearer to Dick than to Wally. When Wally made to reach for one, he gave the young man a disapproving look and said, "Sir. You are going to make yourself sick if you continue to carry on like that. Try and pace yourself!" He was about to spin around and head back up the stairs when five green hands each snatched up a sandwich from the tray and disappeared into the darkness up high in the cave.
A moment later Hal floated down to the floor encased in a green bubble of energy, a half eaten sandwich in one hand, four held by green energy hands and a very broad smile on his face.
"Sorry about this intrusion guys, but Bruce had asked me to meet him here; something about tracking down Sinestro or one of his soldiers. Do any of you guys know when he'll be back? Oh, and by the way, you two did some nice rhymes there. It was pretty good. But I have to say, I don't think either of you has one upped Bruce yet. Yep, I've been floating up there for a while, ever since you found the recording, Dick. I think I can definitely one up Bruce and you two. I'm like a year younger than Bruce and just a few years older than you two but I know I can rap better than what you two just did," Hal announced.
Dick, Alfred and Wally stared at him in silence for a moment, then Wally handed him the karaoke machine. "Knock yourself out then, champ! In our defense, neither of us had the chance to finish our rhymes. Neither did Batman. We were all interrupted by the same villain!"
Alfred had just begun to head back towards the stairs. He stopped and turned, aghast.
Hal noticed and laughed, "Don't worry, Alfred. Their grasping at any excuse to not admit that they are without talent. Let me show you guys how it's done.
"Hello, I'm Hal Jordan
The ladies like to wake up next to me in the morning
Experience and skills I have a ton
There isn't a woman I've pursued that I haven't won
I remember this hot sorceress from Krypton
One look at me and she said, "let's get it on!"
Yep when it came to me, she was a glutton
She liked it that I knew just how play with her button
Yeah she was hot, a real wet dream
She and I we made a real good team
She was so good, I wanted to make her mine
But something happened and I was sucked out of that time
So here I was stranded at work
My boss talked to me like I was a jerk
She tended to look at me either angry or smugly
I knew I could change her face if we bumped uglies.
I finally found she had a much nicer side
She'd come to my place every night and hop on for a ride
Then I was in space. It wasn't my plan
When I eventually got back she'd married some man
So I moved on
It was all cool
I wasn't gonna try and steal her like some kinda fool
I was down south standing outside of this pub
When I saw this real hot number going into a club
She was gorgeous
A pretty little thing
I knew right then I was destined to make her sing
I followed her in and waited for my chance
As soon as I had it I asked her for a dance
She accepted with a dazzling smile
We danced and danced for quite a while
The club closed and I was about to head back out and roam
When she stopped me and asked me to take her home
Once outside I wrapped her up in my green energy
I shot up into the air and held her tightly to me
We got to her house and walked through the door
She pushed me down and did me right there on the floor!
We made love for hours and I thought, "I hope she isn't sore"
But when I got her to her room she wanted some more!
Her naked body was a lovely sight
And when we made love she was exquisitely tight
We were passionate and without direction
The two of us had a serious connection
We were exhausted and so finally took a rest
When we woke up in the morning she had her head on my chest
I was looking at her and she at me
We knew right then that we were meant to be
She said she was happy but didn't want to make a decision that seemed sudden and suspicious
So I agreed and said, "Certainly, call me whenever you want me, Delicious!"
"You all have enough snacks I presume? Master Hal. Bruce is on the line for you. he says that if the three of you are done playing with Tim's toys that he would like you to meet him at the harbor. There is a large shipment of drugs and weapons coming in guarded by a small army and would appreciate the back up," Alfred informed the horror stricken men.
The JLA Watchtower some time later…
"Hi, Dick. Hi, Wally. We almost never see you up here on Watchtower, Dick. It's always a treat, but why do you two look so nervous?" Superman asked.
Nightwing and Flash were sitting outside of the training room. It was obvious from their damp hair, Wally had his mask off, that they had been sparring and practicing. Superman was very fond of and had a lot of respect for the two exceptional youths. Right now they looked as if they had just lost a puppy.
Both looked up and smiled. "It's no big deal, Supes. Just trying to figure out how we can get someone, that no one would expect, to do some rhymes with us. Someone that Batman would never expect," Nightwing spoke up.
"Yeah. We got Batman and Hal to each do a rap for us and that was pretty cool, but we really need to get Aquaman to do one for us. Don't you think that would just be awesome? A little, "Under The Sea" rap and maybe Hawkman! He could rap about space and flying and putting the beat down on the baddies with his nasty looking mace. That would be perfect!" Wally wondered out loud.
Superman looked thoughtful for a moment, "So you two need someone to rap for you? Is it difficult to do?"
J'onn was walking by at that moment. He rarely tried to read the minds of his friends as he thought it disrespectful to their privacy. However, when it came to Nightwing and Flash he always made it a point to try. Not because he wanted to be invasive, but because they presented such a challenge. Nightwing, like Batman could put up mental barriers that not only protected him from mind control, but also prevented anyone from reading their minds.
Wally's mind was always going so fast that he could never figure out what was going on or what he was thinking. The few times he had been able to see into his mind he had been drugged and so his mind had been a bit sluggish. It had not lasted very long at all. His hyper metabolism had quickly rid his body of the toxin and his mind had returned into overdrive and he had just given up.
Even when his mind had been 'sluggish' he could not tell what he had been thinking about. The topics seemed to change very quickly. What had been obvious was that Wally liked girls and that he liked to eat. Sometimes the two thoughts were simultaneous and J'onn had gotten a few disturbing images that he hadn't quite been able to figure out. They had caused him to remember feelings that he had buried for the last several centuries. He did not know if the thoughts were correct or drug induced. He had quickly given up and moved on.
"J'onn! This is perfect!" Wally almost shouted.
J'onn stopped. This time he did not even try to read the minds of the two young men. He noted a sense of mild bewilderment from Superman. "What is perfect, Wally?" he asked the speedster.
"You two," Nightwing answered, grasping Wally's idea.
"Well, I wouldn't say perfect. We do both have several amazing abilities but we are far from perfect. We both make mista…." Superman began.
"No, not that kind of perfect! I mean that you two would be perfect to do a duo rap!" Nightwing explained.
Now both J'onn and Superman looked bewildered. "What are you talking about? What's a duo rap?" both asked simultaneously.
Wally explained, "You both make up rhymes. Supes rhymes for a bit, then you rap for a bit and then you two rap back and forth and then back to solo. It's really cool! You two would do so much better than Aquaman and Hawkman! They would probably rap about boring battles anyway. No girls or fun stuff, you know."
"Well, guys, I don't know the first thing about rapping or rhyming, so I don't think I could be of much help to you two in this situation," Superman explained.
"And I know even less of such things," J'onn added.
"Nonesense!" Both Dick and Wally exclaimed. "Supes, you have a super memory. You see or hear something once and you remember how to do it and know how to do it. Look at how fast you learned how to fight from Bats and Wondy. They've trained all their lives to be as good as they are and you learned everything they taught you in just a few months," Dick argued.
"Yes, but that was several months. You want me to study rhyming for several months?" Superman asked.
"It was several months because there was a lifetime of knowledge for you to pick up. Rapping will just take seconds for you to learn. And once you know how to do it, J'onn will have no problem picking it up from you," Wally continued to persuade.
"Okay," Superman agreed. "What do we rap about?"
"Well there's the usual, 'where I came from and what a rough life I've had blah, blah, blah, yada, yada, yada, or you could rap about girls and sex and the greatest loves and pleasures of your life. That's always more interesting," Dick explained patiently.
"I don't know, guys. Not only do I not care too much for rap in general but I would not want to insult any of the League Ladies by saying inappropriate things. Maybe it's best if I don't do this," Superman said turning away.
"Wait!" Wally almost screamed. "Nobody would hear your rap but us. None of the ladies, promise. Second it's really easy once you start doing it and it's fun. You'll find that you'll be rhyming in your head without even thinking about it and if you decide to go there, the ladies love a good rhyme."
Superman stopped, "Really? They like that?" He was thinking about a certain someone with long raven locks and long slender limbs and amazing curves, the face and figure of perfection. It didn't hurt that her mind and heart were just if not more beautiful as her physical body.
J'onn seemed suddenly interested, "The great pleasures of your life?" he asked no one in particular. "Very well, I will make an attempt to help you."
"Alright, J'onn!" Dick and Wally slapped him on the back cheerfully then looked expectantly at Superman.
"Oh, alright. But could we have an example so that we can get an idea of how we go about it?"
"Absolutely! Come on into the combat room. It's sound proof so nobody will accidentally hear you two rapping," Wally whispered conspiratorially.
The four entered the combat room. Neither J'onn or Superman noticed Wally hit the switch on the room's intercom. His hit set it to one way out to the rest of the satellite.
Once in the room Nightwing pulled out Tim's karaoke machine and played Batman's and Hal's raps.
The two stood looking at each other in shock. Superman looked back at the two young men. Well, okay, I think I can do this. You said it gets easier the more you get into the rap? I'll try this. But only because this is staying between us. I'll start I guess then you go, J'onn. Then we'll try this duo thing you were talking about. So Hal really knows a Kryptonian sorceress? Have I ever met her?" he asked.
"Oh, I don't know. All I know is that it's in his rap. You can even make up stuff if you want," Dick explained.
"Okay. Here goes."
"People call me Superman and I can fly
When I was little I lived on a farm and I had a crush on a girl.
I like animals a lot and I have a really good memory
Now I have a crush on a different girl and…"
"Okay. Stop. You aren't doing this right. You want things to rhyme, you know, like…Hey diddle diddle…The cat and the fiddle. Or…Hickory dickory dock…The mouse ran up the clock. Something like that. Like you heard Batman and GL do." Wally and Dick looked exasperated.
"Okay. I can do that." Superman said ready to try again he was starting to grasp what he needed to do. J'onn watched him deep in thought.
"Hi, I'm Superman. I grew up on a farm
This is nothing that should cause you alarm
I had a really cool telescope
I used it to watch this pretty girl like a dope…"
Superman looked at Dick and Wally questioningly.
They both gave him an enthusiastic thumbs up to continue. He did.
"I was always sort of big and burly
But I didn't develop my powers that early
In high school I became really strong and fast
It was cool but it forced me to live as an outcast
Instead of playing sports and fighting
I poured myself into studies and writing…"
Wally interrupted him, "You have the rhyming thing down real good now but you're being kinda boring; you gotta spice it up a bit. Rap about the ladies for a bit. Once you start you won't be able to stop, I guarantee it."
Superman shuffled his feet nervously. "Okay, just make sure nobody else hears this. Don't want the League ladies to think I'm some kinda pervert they have to worry about okay?"
"Oh absolutely!" the two young heroes agreed.
"I knew this girl named Lana with lovely red hair
I was dying to see her bare
She was little and sweet
But she ended up marrying this guy named Pete.
After college I moved the city
My partner at work was really quite pretty
In the winter she would wear a coat and me a jacket
I'd check out her butt and I'd want to smack it
There was this evil guy named Darkseid
He captured me. I attempted to escape I really tried
I was brainwashed
It was a trick
This pretty girl named Lashina broke in my stick
Much later I broke free of the mind control
I came back to earth but my absence had taken its toll
I found that I was horny all the time
I wanted a woman that was beautiful and fine
Then I met Diana the lovely Amazon
I wondered if with me she'd like to get it on
Of my friends she became the best
As of the ladies, I no longer thought about the rest
One day she declared her love for me
I also told her how I felt and we knew we were meant to be
In our throats we both had lumps
We went to my fortress and had several humps
In the universe there are many pretties
But I don't care. I'd rather play with her titties
She smiles and moans and sighs
When I caress and kiss her inner thighs
With her I am always gentle never vicious
She is sweet and lovely and very delicious
Last night she said she needed something from me
She wanted me to play with and eat her cookie
In our relationship there have never been any deep chasms
But then I spend most of our alone time giving her multiple orgasms
Will we ever break up, no never
Our love is the kind that lasts forever!"
"Wow! See how easy that was! That was awesome! Dirty and romantic at the same time! The girls dig that sort of thing. So Lashina popped your cherry, huh? That's awesome! I never knew that. And you and Diana? Wow, that is so cool! I didn't know that either! Man, you are like the ultimate Ladies Man! So she's a little nymphomaniac! Sounds like she would rather spend her days doing the horizontal cha cha cha then fighting baddies if you know what I'm saying. But hey, I don't blame her. Who wouldn't? So, now that you're with Wondy, I assume Lashina is up for grabs? Think you could put in a good word for me? That would be so cool! I'm so glad for you two! It gives a new meaning to Wonder Woman and Superman, if you know what I mean!" Wally exclaimed. Nightwing seemed at a loss for words.
All three turned to J'onn. "You ready there, green jeans?" Wally asked. Nightwing was still speechless.
J'onn stepped forward and cleared his throat and began,
"Hi, I'm the Martian Manhunter
I'm quiet, there are many more blunter
My throat has never had lumps
Nor has it ever had humps
I know many mind tricks
But I never had anybody jump on my sticks
I don't know anybody named Lana or Pete
If I said I did it would make me a liar and a cheat…"
"Holy copycats! Okay, J'onn. You're rhyming really well, but you don't have to mention stuff that Superman mentioned. Just do your own stuff. Make it your own rhyme. You know? Original?" Nightwing had finally found his voice.
J'onn seemed a little nervous. He nodded his head, cleared his throat and began again.
"I'm Martian and there are many things that I like to eat
But my favorite is something that is very sweet
You see my wife couldn't cook for very long
She preferred to spend her free time playing with my schlong
When I came here I was all alone
My wife was gone
No one to bone
So I became a detective and fought crime
But I thought about my wife most of the time
When not working I was depressed and lonely
Most of my thoughts were 'what if' and 'if only'
Then I learned about and joined the Justice League
I met an interesting man people called the Big Red Cheese
He was powerful and strong like me
He was kind and knew when to let me be
One day during a meeting he offered me something to eat
I tasted it and found it to be delicious and sweet
I went to my room and closed the door
Holding the package I sat on the floor
There was no way I was going to do this fast
I wanted this experience to really last
I decided to be interesting and I tried
I pulled the cookie apart and licked the inside
I could hear my new lover's pleasure cries
I closed my eyes and found myself soaring through the skies
For my new found love I have no explanation
All I can say is that it is a new and thrilling sensation
And that's the end of my storio
About my love affair with Oreo…"
"Holy upset stomachs! Oookaaaay. That was really creepy, J'onn. Thanks for that. Don't know if I'll ever be able to eat another Oreo cookie again in my life, but that was good. Don't you think, Wally?" Dick asked.
It was Wally's turn to be speechless. But he recovered quickly being the Flash. "Jo'nn! That was really good! You have got to bring your girlfriend, Ororeo, up here sometime so that we can all meet her. She sounds hot and delicious. Not that you would have to worry about me hitting on her. I would behave, promise! Cross my heart and hope to die! Really! So Captain Marvel introduced you two? That is really cool. I've always wanted to meet Mary Marvel. She's really hot and she seems really cool and she has a lightening bolt on her chest. Is she crushing on me or what? Okay now you guys do your duo."
Nightwing just shook his head sadly.
Superman stared at Wally blankly, "Duo? Oh, right! Got it"
J'onn smiled, "I will begin."
"I'm J'onn, I'm a Martian, big and green and strong
I'm Kal-El and my thing is thick and long
Against us, enemies stand little chance
One look and they usually no longer want to dance
Superman thinks he's smart wearing red boots and underoes
If you suggest he wear more clothes J'onn will refuse
Superman is strong but rarely mean
J'onn is strong and always green
Once we fought Mongul and Despero, both are very tall
We won, we didn't break a sweat at all
I like my red boots it true
But mine are better because they are so blue
Darkseid will never conquer the earth no matter how many times he tries
Cuz the two of us will just blast him with the heat from our eyes
So if you're in trouble and it seems there is no escape
Chances are you'll be rescued by a blue or red cape!"
"Guys! That was muy excelente! Loved it! Wasn't that cool, Dick?"
"That was pure awesome. You two were actually like break dancing at the end there. I didn't know you two could dance at all, especially not like that! You two should do a road trip you know release an album. Make it intergalactic records or something like that!" Dick shouted with excitement.
Suddenly the video screen came alive in front of them. Batman was staring at them. Wonder Woman was visible in the background with a shocked look on her face. Most of the rest of the League members could be seen in the background as well. There was a fairly even mix of uncontrolled laughter, snickering and dumbfounded looks.
"When you are done cutting your next album, would you four mind letting some of the other League members go in to train?" Batman asked innocently.
Superman, J'onn, Flash and Nightwing beat a hasty retreat out of the combat room.
Superman and J'onn looked quite embarrassed.
Flash and Nightwing had been certain that Batman was not on duty in the Watchtower when they had hatched their scheme to get Superman and J'onn to rap for them. Both had been amazed and elated at the ease with which they had seduced them and with their performance.
The four were headed down the hall towards the elevators when Superman and J'onn, who were both in the lead, stopped and turned to look at Wally and Dick, their faces were unreadable, but if you were to try and describe their features, giddy and happy wouldn't be options.
Wally and Dick instantly realized that there was something very not giddy and happy about their 'unreadable' faces.
"Okay, Guys! You have got to stop looking at us like that! You're scaring us here!" Wally said with a nervous smile while at the same time both he and Dick back pedaled a couple of steps.
"I sense that you two somehow had this all planned from the beginning," J'onn surmised.
"Did you two just play a joke on us?" Superman asked. His face was still serious but he was laughing on the inside. These two were a crazy combination. Wally was always full of one liners and witty comebacks. Dick had all of Batman's abilities, both physical and mental, yet none of his hang-ups. He was often referred to as "Happy Batman" by Wally. He could smile and joke as easily as Wally.
Superman had picked up their conversation and raps on the station-wide intercom system, but had decided to play along just for fun. What he had said was true. He was not really fond of rap in general although he did like poetry, both reading and writing it. However, as both Dick and Wally had pointed out, once he had started rhyming he had really enjoyed himself and said things he had not planned on saying.
He knew that Diana enjoyed poetry; they would read it together on occasion. He had even written some poems for her. She seemed to glow when he showered her with such attentions and while he was nothing if not attentive with Diana, he figured it wouldn't hurt to be more so. He was glad that their relationship was out in the open now, although he wished it had happened differently. He would have to see if she liked the rappy rhymes. If she did then he would try and do some for her in private.
Wally and Dick smiled weakly, "Sort of, I guess…well, it's not what it seems Big Green and Blue. Heh heh. We just wanted to get as many of the League guys recorded doing some rhymes. Bats started it all. You heard his! It was so unexpected and awesome that we did it to see if we could do it better, then Hal did one and his was cool. So we just needed you two and Aquaman, Hawkman, and maybe GA. Now that guy should have some juicy rhymes!
Superman and J'onn were communicating telepathically. Superman was amused at J'onn's sense of humor. His face was still unreadable but he moved towards the two young men somewhat aggressively.
There was a shimmer of movement that J'onn and Superman registered and suddenly Wally was holding a bag of Oreo cookies in his hand and pushing them towards J'onn.
"Here ya go, Big Guy. Really sorry about all the trouble we put you through but you gotta admit that the end result was awesome. You two are naturals and J'onn, you are gonna have to bring your girlfriend Ororeo up here some time. Maybe you two and Big Blue and Wondy can go on a double date!" Wally offered apologetically. Nightwing was nodding his head enthusiastically.
J'onn accepted the Oreos with a little more enthusiasm than anyone was used to seeing from him. For a moment, it seemed that he would do a break dance, but the moment passed. With a rare and very creepy smile, J'onn sank through the floor towards his quarters.
Superman did everything in his power not to burst out laughing. Nightwing and Wally were still a little bit anxious and weren't able to get the irony of the two pranksters getting played.
"We cool, Supes?" Nightwing asked with a nervous smile on his face.
"Yeah. You wouldn't hit two guys in their early twenties, would you? I mean, sure, what we did was kind of insensitive, but it was done with the best of intentions and we both have our futures before us. It would be a sin for you to in any way do any kind of bodily harm to us. Besides, look at our faces. These are the faces that the ladies love; that they see in their dreams. You don't want to be responsible for ruining people's dreams, do you?" Wally asked. He was nervous and still unsure as to whether or not Supes was really upset.
Superman relaxed his almost aggressive posture, "No. You are right. It would be wrong to damage your faces and ruin the dreams out there about you two," Superman replied with a smile. With that he blurred away from them.
Wally and Dick looked at each other and smiled weakly. Their faces were both a pit pale and there had been a moment when they both had almost been sick. Though neither would admit to it.
"Those two are just hilarious! Whatta ya say we head planet-side and catch a couple burgers?" Wally asked. He wanted to get as far away from Superman and J'onn as possible at the moment.
"Yeah, those two are crazy funny. Sure, let's head down. I'll see if Babs and Tim wanna go too," Dick responded. Neither he nor Wally was laughing.
Minds made up, the two young men escaped quickly down planet-side.
Superman entered the main Monitoring area with a smile on his face. Most of the on duty Leaguers were there and most of them couldn't wipe the grins off their faces. Superman noted that many of the ladies looked at him with decidedly more open interest and some with outright eagerness.
He said hi to everybody cheerfully but focused his attention on Diana. He had already located her position before he had entered the vast room. As he made his way over to her he noted, with some amusement, that Batman was being extra nice to everybody and he even shared a disturbingly happy smile with a few of them.
Superman had almost burst out laughing at the sight. He would have to talk to Bruce later about his rapping skills. It was just another one of those amazing talents that he had been unaware that his friend possessed. He knew they were both going to have fun holding the raps over each other's heads in the future.
Superman reached Diana. She was standing staring at him in mild shock and confusion. Her big lovely eyes stared into his trying to read him. He became serious as he took her hands in his and looked her in the eyes, "I'm sorry for embarrassing you like that. I had no intention of doing it. My only excuse is that once I started thinking about you, I couldn't stop. It was almost as if I was being affected by magic."
Diana gave a small smile and she seemed to be struggling not to laugh. "I did not know that you and J'onn could dance like that, Kal. It was very entertaining." There was a twinkle in her big, lovely, blue eyes.
Superman smiled back warmly, relieved at her response, and whispered, "I can teach you how and we can dance together."
Letting go of one of Diana's hands, Superman turned to face the League members present and confessed proudly and with a huge smile, "It's true that Diana and I are in love. I should have done this months ago and I'm sorry that you all found out this way. If you'll excuse us, I think I've embarrassed Diana enough for one night."
In a blurr of motion he scooped Diana up and disappeared down to his room with her in his arms. Once safely inside, he set her down and stood looking down at her expectantly.
Diana, for her part looked up at him and folded her arms across her chest and looked serious. "Kal, I was shocked and embarrassed by your little show. But thank you for apologizing and for admitting to everyone that we are in love. Still, I believe that a simple apology should not be enough." Her eyes gleamed playfully and wickedly as she announced unexpectedly, "I think that you need to demonstrate how sorry you are by doing a private rapt for me."
Superman was squirming as she spoke. He had expected maybe a little anger or maybe pouting. He was pretty sure that most women would have reacted that way. But not his Diana. He stopped squirming when he heard her request and grinned, "You mean a rap. Sure, I think I can do that. All I have to do is look at you and I have all kinds of poetic inspirations."
Diana just stood waiting patiently for him to begin. Superman took both of her hands again, "I'll start now, but you think maybe you could join me after a bit? I know you can do poetry and you have the most beautiful voice I have ever heard both when speaking and singing."
Diana smiled coyly back at him, "We'll see, Kal. I want to hear you first."
"Okay. Here goes."
"Diana, I'm so sorry for embarrassing you
But everything I said about us is true
Now everyone knows about us as if it were written
I'm not sorry that they know that with you I am smitten
In every way you are so lovely and pure
Never before of anything have I been so sure
Now I can tell by the way you are looking at me
That my apology rap is going swimmingly
The look that you are giving me is kinda flirty
I think you want me to start rapping a little bit dirty
Before you start thinking that astray you have been led
Let's take off all our clothes and sit down on the bed
Some guys might think that rhyming for your girl is a bit sappy
But just look at how you make Little Kal so happy
I love your big beautiful eyes and your wonderful smile
I have a feeling that we will be here for quite a while
I know that earlier you might have thought that I was talking smack
Hey, you look a little tense
Turn around and I'll massage your back
Well now nobody is going to think that you are a dike
Sorry about that
Of course I will rub you back as long as you like
Yes, I can and will happily give each one of your feet a serious rub
And of course I'll work my way up and gently caress your nub
You can't hide it, you like all this attention.
You just gave off a quiver
If you were truly cold then we both know that you would be all ashiver
Yeah, I know that you like how my muscles are all ripply
And you know I love how your breasts are all nipply
Ah yes, I can see by that happy grin
You like the way I just caresswd your skin
We know and read each other so well
I never tire of your intoxicating smell
You have nothing to fear
I'm just back here fixin to nibble on your ear
You know how I love seeing your happy faces
And just look at how you've made stiff in all the right places
Yeah, we both know that good times are about to happen
I promise in a minute between your thighs I'll be lappin
Hey! I know that wasn't a snore!
I'm still rappin here
I have lots more!
I know that with me you are joking
Especially with the way that Little Kal your back is poking
Yes you are kidding and you are delighted
With the way that you went and got me all excited
We can lay here together no secret with which to struggle
You seem a bit too relaxed now baby
What? You really tired? Uhhh okay…yeah I guess tonight we can just snuggle…"
Superman stared down at Diana. There was a very contented smile on her face. She looked serene and at ease. The concern about their secret was gone. He leaned down and kissed her softly then adjusted himself so that she would be more comfortable in his embrace. He loved watching and listening to her sleep.
As Superman laid his head on his pillow he realized that he had just found a new way to be poetic. He wondered if maybe he could convince Hal, J'onn and Batman to meet with him at the Fortress every once in a while for a group rap.