A/N: Just a oneshot for two lovely characters, because I had a few extra minutes in my day. Reviews are much appreciated! :)
Tsunade glared at her former teammate's house, willing it to fall down with her eyes. When it didn't do this, she growled in annoyance.
One kick sent the door flying through the back of the house.
Tsunade stumbled inside, eyes wild and hair whipping through the air.
"Are you here, you asshole?" she muttered, speech slurred.
There was only silence.
"JIRAIYA, ARE YOU HERE?" Tsunade shouted. "DON'T BE A COWARD; COME OUT!"
Her calls echoed in the large space.
The drunk woman collapsed into the nearest chair, nearly knocking over the stack of papers on the desk.
"Shit, I hope you didn't need these," Tsunade cursed.
Then, she noticed the folder on top of the stack.
"Your handwriting always sucked," Tsunade declared. "Or maybe I'm ridiculously drunk. But we'll just blame it on you, Jiraiya. I always did blame everything on you. Maybe if you weren't such a dumbass, I wouldn't have had to do that…"
She fell into a string of ramblings as she craned her neck to make out the writing.
"To Tsunade-hime," she murmured in recognition.
She grasped at the papers clumsily, pulling out one as the rest scattered over the desk in a flurry of white pages.
Tsunade threw her sake bottle against a wall, wincing slightly as it shattered. Then, she began reading.
If you're reading this, I've succeeded in wooing you. Or, the more likely option, I'm dead.
First of all, blow the dust off this damn letter; I know you, and you took way too long to come here to look at everything I left to you.
I'm sorry for what you're going through, my flat chested sweetheart. (Since I'm dead, you can't object to my terms of endearment.)
You must be horrifically angry with me. Go ahead and destroy everything in my house; it's useless to me now. Just don't kill yourself. I need some quiet before you come up here and raise hell.
"Idiot," Tsunade snorted. "As if I care enough to kill myself over you."
The tears now spotting the paper said otherwise.
I know our love story didn't work out. Maybe I was just the bumbling fool to Dan's handsome prince, so the princess never fell for me.
After all the gambling debts you paid off with your body, one would think that it was inevitable that I'd get a piece of that action. That's okay; if Dan didn't make it to heaven (wishful thinking), maybe it's finally my turn.
Basically, I just wanted to convey the sentiment I've been trying to share for years.
I love you, Tsunade. I've loved you for most of my life. Sure, I didn't fall in love the moment I laid eyes on you. (You made that a bit hard, seeing as you gave me a black eye.) It was probably the day I tricked you into kissing me that I really fell in love with you.
Even then, it was already too late. In just three years, Dan would reach out and steal your heart before I could even think of claiming it as my own. I would be lying if I said I was okay with that. You were happy with him, but I wasn't happy without you.
I'm hoping to make you feel guilty when I say that you were part of the reason I left Konoha. Despite my fervent devotion to my village, it was easier to drown myself in alcohol, young women, and writing.
The alcohol dulled my senses well enough. The young women satisfied the dulled senses. The writing really brought me alive. I know you've read all my books, and, if you look closely, you're the model for every single female character, but they have much sexier breasts.
So, here I am, using these words to express my feelings for the thousandth time. They've never worked before. Then again, nothing's worked before.
Still, since I'm gone (sorry to remind you again), you need to get it through your stubborn head.
I love you.
I wish we'd been together, but we weren't. I'm not over it. I never will be over it.
Go upstairs to the bedroom. Open the box on the dresser. Inside, you will find the one thing I've been waiting my whole life to give you.
P.S. Since I'm dead now, feel free to walk around my house naked. It'll free my soul.
Tsunade rubbed her eyes and looked toward the staircase. Curinsg Jiraiya for having a second floor, she clumsily began climbing the steps.
It was a proud moment when she managed to get to the top without tripping once. Tsunade had never been so aware of her surroundings while totally hammered.
She stepped into the surprisingly clean bedroom, locating the box immediately. Inhaling sharply, Tsunade thrust the box open, almost afraid of what she might find inside.
What she found nearly made her faint. Tsunade grasped the offensive object between two fingers, bringing it close to her face.
"A ring?" Tsunade asked softly. "This is your big stupid moment? You're asking me to marry a dead man?"
It was the third time she had expected an answer from lips that no longer spoke.
"Whatever," Tsunade sighed. "I give up."
She promptly passed out on the bedroom floor.
"Tsunade-sama!" Shizune exclaimed. "Tsunde-sama, wake up!"
"Shizune, I'm not working today," Tsunade slurred. "I'm going to stay on this floor forever."
"As much as I'd love for you to do that, you have to get up," the young woman told her. "You have a lot of work."
The Hokage found herself being pulled up by lean arms, but she tumbled back down as Shizune let out a shriek.
"YOU GOT MARRIED, TSUNADE-SAMA?" Shizune shouted. "HOW COULD YOU DO THIS? THE VILLAGE. DID YOU EVEN THINK OF YOUR POSITION?"
"Shizune, shut up!" Tsunade barked, cutting her off. "I didn't get married. I've decided to wear this ring, and that's all there is to it. Now, get to work and start stamping. I'll be there shortly."
She managed to appear regal as she got up, so Shizune agreed to leave.
Tsunade closed her eyes for five minutes before taking a deep breath.
"JIRAIYA!" she bellowed.
Figuring she had his attention with that, she lowered her voice.
"Listen up," Tsunade began. "I would've accepted your stupid proposal years ago, but you were too dumb to try anything. We would have sucked at being married, and you knew it. Well, you know what? Start figuring out how to make me happy. When I come up there, we're going to spend eternity, or whatever comes after death, together. And no, you can't change your mind now."
One question still lingered in the air, and she could feel it poking holes in her declaration.
"Of course I loved Dan," Tsunade admitted. "Of course I did. But I'm not stupid. With him being that great of a guy, someone else must have snagged him already. I didn't want him to have to wait for me. But don't you dare take that as applicable to you. You will wait for me, Jiraiya. Because I love you. You hear me? I LOVE YOU, YOU IDIOT."
With that, Tsunade walked out of his bedroom. In the hallway, she caught sight of herself in the mirror and stopped in horror.
"Jiraiya, I demand you stop this!" she exclaimed. "People can't see me like this!"
That big, dumb, lovable grin of his was plastered on her face. After tugging at her lips for a few minutes, Tsunade realized that it just wasn't going away.
"I take back everything I just said!" she threatened.
The smile remained.
"You know me far too well," Tsunade sighed. "I'll get you back for this one day."
She could've sworn the clear jewel on her ring twinkled right back at her in response.