A/N: Sam being gay is such a lame secret, I swear if it is that he is gay I'm gonna be piss. He should at least be bisexual, there's like no bisexual characters on TV… That I know of. Anyways, this little plot bunny came from reading some fanfics and watching Degrassi and being a transguy, I thought it would be epic if Sam is a transsexual :'D Maybe I'm the only one who thinks it… This is also the other version of a fanfic I'm writing but this one is going to have a "happy ending", I think so far it would be at least (no promises…)
WARNINGS: Issues of homophobia, transphobia, teenage drama, tons of insecurities, cursing, emotional crap, Sam being a geek, and stuff… Maybe some grammar issues, I suck at self editing.
This may not have sexual content since I'm not sure if people can handle transgender sex, but if you can I'll hike the rating up and do it just for you guys mmhmmm
THIS IS SLASH!
Who has to know?
When we live such fragile lives,
It's the best way we survive.
~All American Rejects
"Sam, just tell me," Kurt pleas, his eyes widening as he hold onto my hands. I have to look away though, so I don't crack under his puppy eyes. "I won't love you any less." He squeezes my hands.
I take a deep shaky breath, looking at our hands intertwine a frown graces my lips. "Trust me, you wouldn't want to date me anymore."
"It can't be that bad." He laughs nervously. "I like you for your quirky personality, your cute smile, and that you can speak that weird alien." I let out a laugh, trying to get the sense of life back into myself but I know I have to tell Kurt so I'm once more drain again. "So no matter what it is, I'll always like you for you."
I can understand a bit when people think I'm keeping the secret of being gay locked away in myself, but that's not really the secret. Sure, I tell people I'm not gay but that's because I'm not. I'm pansexual, I believe in falling in love with people, and really, I kind of want to find a person who likes me for me and not cause I'm a cute boy, which is not a bad thing but if they just want to get laid I'm not like the average teenage guy who thinks about sex all the time. I mean, I do! I'm a healthy guy, I think about sex too but not like OD*! Anyways, that's not my secret, I don't care who knows but in the same time I'm not flaunting it all over the place.
My secret will make me the number one target of Lima or the whole fucking state of Ohio, well probably not but seriously it can happen. The reason why I try so hard to be part of the "cool kids", playing football, and making sure my abs look smoking hot. It's not cause I'm a Trekie, a Na'Vi speaker, gamer, or even a fanfiction reader; those don't really seem so bad since I do not look like a nerd. My secret can get me killed reason why I take showers after everyone is gone; though Kurt sneak in which caused me to flip out and shield my lower parts which, thankfully, he did not even bother to sneak a peek. It's why's I'm always a bit subconscious about not wearing a shirt, in the Rocky Horror play we were doing. Also, my secret caused my mother to leave my father and me. So, yeah. It's that big.
My mom never liked homosexuals to begin with anyways; so when I came out as bisexual, they had no idea what pansexual was, she was a bit disgusted. I brought home mostly guys though, and at the time she was totally fine with that unless it was a girl. Then... Then everything went to hell. Probably a month after coming out as being bi, I finally understand why I was different, why I always felt like the odd person, why I never felt complete, and why I felt sick when everyone called me she.
Yeah, you read that right.
I was born Samantha Evens.
My huge secret is I am a transsexual male.
I never knew about transsexuals guys, I knew male to females, also known as MTFs, since the media shows tons of stuff about them so I just assumed I was always stuck as a female, even though every birthday I would wish to wake up as a boy. I learned about female to males, FTMs, while I was online trying to figure about what was my problem. When I learn I can become a real guy, I was so happy I had to share with my parents.
That was two years ago.
My mom called me freak, saying I didn't need to be a boy and I was sick. She went crazy, saying how she didn't want a tranny to be her child. My dad had to remove her, calling the police when she tried to attack me. I then realize being a transgender kid was not as easy as being bisexual. I took her words to heart, though, most of those days I would cry myself to sleep, some nights I just keep on crying I couldn't fall to sleep as those words haunt me.
But, I guess I am lucky to have my dad.
He had sent me to a gender therapist, to see if I was really transgender and they can help me start hormones, get surgery, and change my name. After a week, it was confirm I am a boy. After a few more weeks, I got my name change to Samuel Evens. After days, I was on hormones. After six months, I got top surgery to remove my... "Lady parts".
My school did not take kindly to it. Most the kids would freak out even more when they knew I was bisexual, I would get kicked, punched, death threats, and pretty much anything you would think of that gays go through but a lot worst. My father thought it would be best if I went to an all boys school, which made me excited but my mother kept telling me I choose this life that I should stick with it. My dad signed the papers to let me move. I was thankful.
Mom was grossed out by me after a year. She divorced my dad and the last thing she told me it was my entire fault that she still loved him but I ruined everything. I thought she was going to convince him to leave me too, as she cried saying she loves him, but he pulled me into a hug and told her to leave.
After a year, her words still haunt me even to this day but I try to forget. After we had to move since the house was getting too much to maintain the payments, the private schooling was getting too much to pay, also.
During the summer, my father and I would work out together. I tried to drop any image of femininity off, gaining a six pack, which also helped with the scars from the surgery to be a little more invisible. I learn to play football to be able to join the team since it's a "Man's sport". Only buy men's clothing, since I had a weak spot for some female shirts... Not that they can fit me after my muscles... Stop wearing skinny jeans, since non-manly men wear those, and most importantly, tried not to be a huge nerd. I had to be the "American Golden Son" so no one can assume I was female. It's just a bit hard when trying to shower after practice, not having bottom surgery done, and having a gay kid who is probably crushing on me, telling me I bleach my hair. This was weird how he knew it too! I told my dad I would shower in the nurses, but I really didn't want to seem like a loser so I would wait for them to leave instead. My dad just wants me to be safe, and not have stupid transphobic people attack me while I shower...
But somehow, I manage to live it up. No one knows. Everyone thinks my huge secret is that I am a homosexual. I kind of wish I can tell someone though, someone else to know the real me.
"Sam?" Quinn frowns, tucking her blonde hair behind her ears. I give her a look that I'm paying attention. "Is everything okay?"
I bit my lips. I want to tell her the truth so much, but I just can't. She wouldn't understand anyways. "I..." I swallow a huge lump in my throat. "I'm sorry." I almost moan out, "I can't do this." I shut my eyes, leaning my head back to stare at the roof of the car.
"So..." Quinn starts quietly, "You are gay?"
Seriously? Are you freaking serious? I laugh bitterly, I'm getting angry that everyone thinks I'm gay, looking back at the Cheerio whom looks hurt and confused. "No. I'm not gay, Quinn." She smiles sadly at me. "Actually, let me tell you something. I'm bisexual."
"Oh." She licks her lips, tugging at the ends on her blue dress. "Then is it me?"
"No." I answer honestly. "It's my problem." I inform her, looking straight into her pretty eyes so she can see I'm telling the truth. "I have a problem with touching, I guess." How do you explain why you're not having a hard-on when you're heavily making out? "But, I just can't date you anymore." I sigh out, feeling a huge cold brick in my chest as it tighten around it. "I don't feel comfortable dating someone I can't be honest with. But... We can still be friends?"
"Are you still going to take me to the movies on Friday?" She smirks, her eyebrow quirks up.
I laugh. "Yes, I will still take you."
"Awesome." She nods, she gather her stuff and turn to open the car door but stops. "Oh, and Sam? If you need to ever talk, even about whatever it is you feel uncomfortable with, you can always talk to me... You know that, right?" I wish I can tell her. I just nod slowly, with no life. "Bye." She pats my arm and leaves me all alone in the car.
I watch her go in her home. Letting my head drop to the steering wheel, replaying what stupid move I did. I just broke up with the hottest girl right after having a great make-out session. Wow Sam, you fuck up! I hit my head on the wheel, wincing slightly at the pain and then sit up to drive home. I keep the radio off, knowing it's just gonna somehow now my mode of music and make me feel worst some way.
"Sam?" My father calls out to me from the dining room. I shout out a hey and sit in front of the TV. Moments later, my father comes in as if knowing I feel like crap. "You okay?" He sits down next to me, roughing my hair up.
"I broke up with Quinn." He frowns at that. I think he really liked Quinn, even though they only met a few times for a short time. "I wanted to tell her I'm Trans but... I couldn't." I sigh, letting my head fall back onto the couch to stare at the white ceiling. "We're still friends though."
An awkward silence wraps around us, I should have know better than to tell him about this. It's my entire fault my parents broke up, why would he want to talk about my problems of being Trans? Way to go again, Samuel. Stupid kid, seriously.
"You know what? Forget it." I groan, standing up to go upstairs and lock myself in my room to play Starcraft 2 and just release my frustration on some n00bs*.
He grabs my arm before I can leave, I don't turn to look at him cause I do not want to look sad, girls are the emotional ones and I am a guy! "I know it's hard." He starts as if testing the waters, "But you will find someone who likes you for you and not care about your past... Or what's in your pants."
I let outs a weak laugh at his joke. "I know, I just want to meet that person now." I pull away and rush upstairs. Screw Starcraft 2, I need some blood and gore.
A/N: I hope you all like this, whoever is reading it at least, and would give me some reviews! I already have a few chapters writing but if no one reviews, I'm not gonna post it since it's a waste of time. SO PLEASE REVIEW! Even if you fav or put on alert! Giving a smiley face is good enough, cause if other do what I do, they read a story if they have a lot of review LOL Gawd, I'm a loser…
Next chapter will have KURT! Yay~
OD: Over Dose (medical term, I use it a lot…)
n00bs: Spelt with zeros since I have a feeling if Sam is such a geek, he would know how to speak l33t.