This was an English project for the book The Pact by Jodi Picoult. I had to write a weeks worth of diaries for a character and I really liked how this turned out and decided to post it. Very depressing I know...
Oct. 29 1997
I can feel it coming, my death, it's all I can think about. Life doesn't even seem worth living anymore. Every moment for me now, is just waiting for the shot that will take it all away. Chris is quiet now whenever I see him. It took me a while to convince him that I wasn't joking, I think he's at least trying to understand now. I know I'm hurting him, I know he doesn't want me to leave but I just cant stand the pain anymore... and Chris shouldn't have to share the rest of his life with someone broken up inside... someone like me.
Why can't I tell Chris about the baby? He deserves to know, it's half his after all...but I cant, I don't know what he will do. What if I don't want to keep it? I know how strongly he feels about abortions. He would let me do it if I asked him, I know that too, but how would he really feel about it? Every day I don't tell him, the lie of omission grows bigger and bigger. It aches. But still...I can't. When I went to my appointment I couldn't do that either. I can't tell Chris, can't tell my parents, can't get an abortion... I'm at a standstill. There seems like there's only one option left.
Oct. 31 1997
He took me to the movies after school. I don't remember what we saw. It didn't matter or make any difference. All I could think about was his hand in mine. I love him so much, but it's a different love from his love and in the end, even that doesn't make a difference. I've made up my mind. When we came out of the theater ghosts, witches, and princesses surrounded us. Is it really Halloween?
Nov. 1 1997
School was unbearable today. I avoided all my friends. It seems so pointless to go through all the motions of living when I'm not going to be here much longer. And I realized a long time ago that the only real friend I've ever had was Chris.
He was so sweet today; he walked me to all of my classes with his arm around my waist, and kissed me tenderly when ever I had to leave him. When he walked me to 6th period, art, he held me for the longest time. We stood there embracing even as the bell rang and the halls emptied. When I told him I had to go he just whispered: "but I don't want to loose you..." And when I replied that I had to and pulled out of his arms he had tears in his eyes... I hate hurting him so much.
Nov. 2 1997
I couldn't see at all today. The sky was filled with fog so thick I could hardly breathe. It made everything worse. I could barely keep from crying all day long because everything looked on the outside like I feel on the inside. There was no escape.
Nov. 3 1997
I took a walk in the park with him this afternoon. We climbed up on the jungle gym and laid on the too-small platform and there we watched the sky for hours and talked. He was trying to figure out my secret, a secret so terrible that I would want to escape it all, but how could I possibly explain why I feel the way I do? There are so many reasons; crowding my mind, drowning out my will to live... the baby is only the most recent of reasons. Instead I told him that I didn't want to talk about it and we lay in silence; watching the sky darken.
Nov. 4 1997
Sometimes it's like I'm kissing my brother, but how do I tell him that? I have to look at his face to figure out what I'm supposed to be feeling, and then I spend the rest of the night wondering why I don't... maybe we are just to close... when I see his face I also see the face of the boy I have known since I was born. It doesn't matter to him but I... it matters to me, I can't help it. I just can't help it and sometimes... it hurts to even look at him. But if I die I never, ever have to hurt him.
Nov. 5 1997
I love him so much...sometimes I cant stand it. But it's like making out my brother... I understand now, why I have to do this. I just don't want to spend the rest of my life with him; avoiding his advances, pushing away his hands, or worse: not pushing him away... But I love him too much to ever tell him that.
Nov. 6 1997
Things I will miss
-Chris...The little boy I used to know; not the sad man I will be leaving behind.
-My parents... all four of them...his parents are almost all important to me as my own.
There is nothing on this list powerful enough to make me stay...
Things I won't miss
-The pain of living
-Trying not to hurt people and failing
-The baby... every time I think about it it's like a stone in my stomach
There are just too many things calling me away. We're doing it tomorrow
Nov. 7 1997
If I tell him, he will marry me. It's that simple.