Disclaimer: I don't own Buffy. I do own Sophie, Lily, Jesse and Echo :)
"Don't worry" Tara chuckled, "I have a feeling he'll be okay.."
Soon after, Giles, now on the kitchen bench, stirred at the sound of humming, and looked to see who was making the sound, and maybe discover the best way out of this horrible place without them seeing him.
The crab peeked around a bowl, finding the source of the noise, a short, skinny, man with an unpleasant face, wearing a Chef's outfit. This was Chef Snyder, Willow's cook. Nobody really liked him, but the Snyders had been cooks for The Royal House Of Rosenberg for generations, so it would have felt wrong to fire him.
"Nouvelle cuisine, les Champes Elysses, Maurice Chevalier..." Snyder read to himself from a cook book as he chopped up a fish. Giles gulped.
Snyder: Les poissons',
How I love Les poissons!
Love to chop,
And to serve tender fish.
First I cut off their heads..
Giles was on the verge of fainting again.
Then I pull out their bones..
Giles glanced around desperately. He had to get away from this maniac!
Ah mais oui
Ca c'est toujours delish!
Hee hee hee,
Haw haw haw!
With the cleaver I hack them in two!
The poor crab couldn't take it anymore. He rushed off in the opposite direction, but his path became blocked by a hacked off fish head that flew over and landed in front of him. Panicking, Giles scuttled back the way he had come, but found himself in an even worse position.. hiding under a lettuce leaf near where Snyder was working.
I pull out what's inside,
Then I serve it up fried.
Oh I love tender fishies,
Giles attempted to sneak away, the lettuce leaf still on top of him.
Here's something tempting for the pallet,
prepared in the classic technique..
Snyder grabbed what looked like a hammer.
First you pound the fish flat with a mallet,
Being too close to the impact, Giles was sent flying into the air.
Then you slash through the skin,
give the belly a slice,
Giles landed with a thump, quickly pulling the lettuce leaf back over himself.
And you rub some salt in,
'Cause that makes it taste nice!
Snyder moved to get something from the cabinet, when he spotted the lone lettuce leaf, and picked it up to reveal Giles, who quickly withdrew into his shell, trying not to scream as he snatched up in the Chef's hand.
What is this?
How on Earth could I miss such a sweet little succulent crab?
Snyder danced around the kitchen, making Giles dizzy.
What a loss!
Here we go,
In the sauce,
Giles yelped as the Chef dunked him into the bowl.
Now some flour,
Just a dab!
Snyder threw the poor crab in bowl of flower, making him sneeze, before grabbing him again and shoving bread crumbs in his shell.
Then I'll stuff you with bread,
It won't hurt 'cause your dead,
And you're certainly lucky you are!
Giles spat out the bread crumbs, groaning.
'Cause it's gonna be hot in my big silver pot,
Giles screamed as Snyder tossed him into the pot of boiling water. He just managed to grab the edge with his claw and jumped back out, onto the safety of the bench. Unforunately, Snyder had seen him.
"What the..?" The Chef frowned, picking Giles up again.
Running on pure instinct, Giles clamped a claw on the human's nose.
"Yoooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!" Snyder shrieked, while Giles made a break for freedom. "Oh no, you're not going any where!"
He lunged at Giles, but missed, knocking a sauce pan that fell on his foot.
"Ouch!" He got to his feet, grabbing a cleaver. "I'll get you for that, crab!"
From the dining room, Willow, Tara, Wesley, and Jenny could hear a series of bangs and crashes.
"Uh, I'll go see what's taking so long.." said Jenny with a nervous chuckle.
In a matter of minutes, the kitchen had been completely trashed in the battle between Man and Crab. Giles, exhausted and seeing no other option, hid himself on the platter of stuffed crabs about to be taken to the table.
Jenny walked in, gasping at the chaos.
"Snyder, What the hell happened in here?!"
"Well there was this one crab that was still alive and I was.."
Jenny lifted the platter, skeptical.
"Do they look alive to you?"
"No" said Snyder, "But I swear there was.."
Jenny ignored him, carrying the platter out to the table, Giles still hidden within it.
"I've always thought you were nuts.."
"Phew!" said Sophie, relieved. "That was close!"