If you're reading this
And my Momma's sittin there
Looks like I only got a one way ticket over here
Sure wish I
Could give you one more kiss
And war was just a game we played when we were kids

I'm laying down my gun
I'm hanging up boots
I'm up here with God and we're both watching over you

So lay me down
In that open field out on the edge of town
And know my soul
Is where my momma always prayed
That it would go
And if you're reading this
I'm already home

If you're reading this
Half way around the would
I won't be there
To see the birth of our little girl
I hope she looks like you
I hope she fight like me
Stand up for the innocent and weak

I'm laying down my gun
I'm hanging up boots
Tell dad I don't regret that I followed in his shoes

So lay me down
In that open field out on the edge of town
And know my soul
Is where my momma always prayed that it would go
And if you're reading this
I'm already home

If you're reading this
There's going to come a day
When you'll move on
And find someone else
And that's okay
Just remember this
I'm in a better place
Where soldiers live in peace
And angels sing amazing grace

So lay me down
In that open field out on the edge of town
And know my soul
Is where my Momma always prayed that it would go
And if you're reading this
If you're reading this
I'm already home

I do not own VA or the song If You're Reading This by Tim Mcgraw!


I wanted to scream, wanted to cry. I waited, day and night, for a sign from him, for a letter, anything. But I wasn't sure whether to take his absence of contact as a good thing or a bad thing.

On the upside, he could be busy. No Guardian's had come to inform me of any horrid news, as no news had even come back.

On the downside, he could be dead.

This was ridiculous. I mean, we'd only been 'dating' for about two months when he left. Then again, I hadn't even had strong feelings for him until he had suddenly blurted out that he loved me. Not that I was complaining. He was an amazing guy, and I was so lucky to have him. But it's only been two months, and I'm already acting like the guy's... wife.

But, only two months into the relationship, he had been drafted. Truly, honestly drafted. When St. Vladimirs was attacked and taken hostage by strigoi, the Queen sent an enormous amount of Guardians out to go and fight to reclaim the school, and everyone inside.

Unfortunately, being the old-fashioned bat that she is, decided that only men would be drafted. So I was stuck here, unable to fight for these kids, doing nothing.

But Dimitri, on the other hand, was one of the first ones drafted. He had been dressed in a simple black military-style jacket and pants, standing on the runway, giving me one last kiss before departing. We hadn't told each other we loved one another, but, once again, two months wasn't very long at all, not to know a person so intimately, so deeply.

But no one at the Court had heard any news of the Guardians at the academy. We didn't even know if they had succeeded, failed. They could all be dead and-

No. I wouldn't let myself think that. I had promised Dimitri I would be strong for him, I had sworn my loyalty and my faith to him. Even though Jesse Zeklos was still at my heels, I was always faithful to Dimitri, and always would be.

My heart ached for him, for his face, his voice, his eyes. I longed for him, every ounce of me.

But today was special. Today was the day that I had finally cracked, mentally at least. Still is possession of the spare key, I slipped into his apartment, trying my best to avoid Jesse and whatever new girl he had that night.

It still hurt to see him, still hurt to know that I was just another girl to him, but Dimitri could always read my mind, and would kiss my forehead and wrap his arms around his waist, telling me that no matter how Jesse saw me, I was the only girl that mattered to him.

The thought brings a smile to my face as I creep into his bedroom. It's just how's he's left it, with several items missing, including a photo of the two of us that was tacked to his wall.

With a small smile, I move to his desk.

It has one drawer, but it is jam-packed with papers and trinkets from his past.

Although, I admit, it's creepy to break into your boyfriend's room and look through his stuff, I just needed something that reminded me of him. Something I could keep with me, hold when I thought of him, something that could make things easier.

Besides, it's not breaking in if you have a key.

So I search through his trinkets, finding nothing of sentimental value to me. Until, that is, I come across an envelope that is addressed to Rose. I gingerly crack open the flap, careful not to tear the paper seal.


I know, if you're reading this, that something terrible has happened. I pray that I have not
become a monster, that I died the man you remembered. I have written this the night before
my departure, and you have fallen asleep on the couch. I am watching you as I write this,
and will be watching out for you for ever more, I promise you.

Please, Rose, forgive me. I hadn't intended for it to end this way, certainly not by saying
goodbye through a heartless letter, but I know that if I would have tried to tell you this
before I left, you would have had none of it. I wanted to tell you that I love you, and even
though I've already said this once, I couldn't leave this earth without at least writing it
to you. I love you, Rose, and I still do, wherever I am.

When you decide to move on, whenever it's in two days or perhaps much longer, I want
you to be happy. Tell whatever man you meet to treat you the way I would have loved to,
that you meant more to me than anyone possibly could have. You're free, Rose, free to live
your life, and although I cannot enjoy it with you, I want you to never regret a moment,
never feel bitter. Be free.

I miss you, and would give anything to be with you. I hope you don't mind, but I have taken
the picture of the two of us, sitting on the couch. It's the one that you took, the one that,
although you had to take it yourself, with your hand outstretched, turned out perfectly the
first time.

I don't know if you have been just handed this letter, or if you are cleaning out my belongings,
but please, make sure my family is contacted. I hate to put this burden on you, but I always
wanted you to meet them. They will love you, I'm sure of it, and you'll be part of the family the
moment you meet. Paul, my nephew, will be ecstatic to see you.

I'm so sorry, and I can honestly say my last thoughts were of you.


I am sobbing, clutching onto the letter. My heart is mourning, and I don't even know if he truly did die. My heart was contracting, and tears painted my cheeks and face, sliding down to soak my shirt. I crawl into his bed, letting the smell of him soothe me to sleep.

The house is quiet when I awaken, but I can hear the heavy rainfall from outside. Dimitri's letter is still clenched in my hand, and I have fallen asleep with it resting on my heart.

Slowly, I exit the warm haven of his bed, the instant loss of heat chilling me, and almost causing me to cry again.

I pad down the stairs, my feet heavily slapping against the polished wooden floors. Jesse turns from his spot on the kitchen stool.

"Rose?" he asks. "What are you doing here? I didn't hear you come in last night."

I shake my head. "He's gone, isn't he?"

Jesse sighs, running his fingers through his shaggy hair. "Don't talk like that."

"It's true."

With another helpless sigh, Jesse wraps his hands awkwardly around me. "Not necessarily."

To my surprise, Jesse's touch does nothing for me. No hurt, no pain, no longing. My heart has completely detached itself from him.

And that does make me cry.

He seems to stiffen even more. "Uh..."

"Sorry," I sniffle, pulling away. "I don't want to make whatever girl you have in your room angry with me. Muffy, or Buffy, or-"

"Ashley," he interrupts proudly. "I think..."

I sigh, wiping my nose with the sleeve of Dimitri's hoodie. "Thanks, Jesse."

He smiles and nods, and I leave Dimitri's apartment.

"Rose!" Lissa squeals from behind me. Vasilisa Dragomir, my charge of three years, hardly ever squeals. She always tries to be composed, proper, a Royal.

"What?" I can tell my eyes are swollen and red, but she doesn't even seem to notice.

"The guardians!" she squeals again. "They're back!"


We push through the wall of bodies. I hold Lissa's hand and drag her through, shoving people out of the way. They are all huddled onto the tarmack, some still in pajamas, despite the rain and snow.

The only thing I can see is the tip of a large jet. But we cannot even manage to shove our way to the front of the crowd, people are so tightly packed. But Liss grabs my hand and drags me into the building, where we are barely able to see.

Most of the survivors are being swarmed by family outside, but they still roll steadily through the aisle that we have created.

Unfortunately, so did the stretchers.

I have never seen so many bodies in my life. They come, one after another, covered with a gauzy white sheet. I can barely choke back tears. But it's only when an extremely tall, muscular, sheet-draped corpse is rolled through that I begin to cry.

"Oh God, Lissa. Oh God, Lissa, it's him. It's him!"

I collapse into her arms.

"Oh, Rose, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, Rose."

The sounds of the room begin to blur together, my heart pounds in my eyes. I hadn't intended for it to end this way...

Oh, Dimitri, I will always love you. I sob helplessly, unable to hear the crying, the cheering, the heartbreak.

"Roossseeee..." one voice says, like smearing paint across a canvas. "Roosse.."

I look up through swollen eyes to see Lissa, who looks absolutely frantic.

"Rose, Rose look!"

I try to jump over taller heads. But all I can see are blended colours.

"Rose, look!"

The picture starts to resolve, and I see a man, tall and dark, making his way through the chaos around him. He scans the crowd before his eyes settle on me, and a wide smile breaks over his face.

I cannot hear the words he speaks, but I watch his lips form the sweet words. Roza.

And I run. I shove through the crowd and launch myself into his arms. The second his arms close around me, I'm home.

He strokes my hair and supports me while I cling to him, sobbing into his neck.

"Oh God oh God oh God. I- I saw a body and I thought it wa-was you. Oh G-God, Dimitri. Do-Don't ever do that to me again, okay?"

I can feel his kiss against my shoulder, and he gently pulls away to stare into my eyes, and wipe the pad of his thumb across my wet cheeks.

"I couldn't see you," he informs me gently. "I was beginning to think you hadn't come for me."

I shake my head. "Never. Never-"

I throw my arms around him again, and he gently rocks me. Over his arm, I can see the crowd of Guardians, all watching Dimitri and I. Their faces almost bear an expression of... longing. I felt sympathy rise. They had no one. They would go home to an empty apartment, having to live, eat, sleep alone, while I would go home, make Dimitri dinner, rub his back, his feet, unpack for him, demand that I stay and take care of him.

We were the lucky ones.

Dimitri slides his arms around my waist, one hand drifting up my arm, which is resting behind his neck. "What's this?"

I look down at the crumpled paper in my hand. He gives me a sad smile. "I suppose you found my letter, then?"

I nod. "I can't believe-"

He sighs. "I know it's a bit soon to be telling you how much I love you, that I want to spend the rest of my life with you, but I meant every word. I hope this doesn't change your mind, I hope that I didn't scare you, if I'm trying to move too fast-"

To my own surprise, I laugh. "You think this makes me not want to be with you?" He doesn't look me in the eye. "Dimitri, you really don't understand the female mind, do you?"

This time, he smiles, and kisses my forehead.

"I love you, Rose, more than you'll ever know."

I slide my arm around his waist, picking up his discarded duffel bag with the other hand. "You have no idea," I whisper. "How much I love you."

"I still can't believe you wrote me this," I murmur, once we are away from the throng of people.

He laughs. "Why not?"

"Because!" I reason. "It's just so... so scary that you were so at peace with your death."

He gives a shaky breath. "At peace? Rose, I have never been more terrified. All I wanted was just to get of there alive. I was bitter and lonely, about how I might never get to live the life that I wanted with you, that my time would be cut short."

I squeeze his hand. "I suppose I just tried not to even think about it. I just convinced myself that you were alright. But when I got your letter, I just couldn't be in denial anymore. I cracked."

When we finally make it to his apartment, his exhaustion is obviously showing. I take the key from his hand and unlock the door, leading him inside. He allows me to help me with the buttons of his jacket, since his own fingers are dull and sluggish.

In the bathroom, I turn on the warm water while he slides out of the rest of his clothing.

"Roza?" he asks, just before he slips in the door. "Why did you come to my room? How did you find the letter?"

A little embarrassed, I smile sheepishly. "I- I was looking for something. Something that I could keep with me that reminded me of you."

He smiles. "You can keep the letter. Every thought while writing it reminded me of you."

And the door gently clicks shut.

Another part to Jesse's Girl, because that's what you asked for! I know it's terrible, but it was written very quickly, in my defense. Please review!