This is my first attempt at a song fic. I kinda like how this turned out; it's totally a crack fic.


A gooey, smelly substance in his hand. And in his hair. And, oh horror, on his brand new Dolce & Gabbana jacket. Leftover cream corn. Rotting lettuce. Mashed potatoes. And a definite aftertaste of humiliation. And… oh god, was that rice pudding?

"The Puckster's back, losers!" the bully shouted outside of the dumpster.

Clever, really. What better way for Noah Puckerman to make a statement than to give a dumpster dive to his fellow glee clubber, gayer-than-thou Kurt Hummel? The young man was caught off guard. Ever since the mohawked teenager had joined the glee club, the dumpster dives had been less and less frequent, due to some sort of unexpected comradeship between them. They had a common goal, winning Regionals, which had commanded a truce. After a while the bullying had completely disappeared, pretty much like the infamous mohawk had.

On the day of his return from juvie, however, Puck showed to the whole student body of McKinley High that he owed no allegiance, and Kurt ended up in the former day's lunch goo. He was not prepared for this to happen; he had no change of clothes, and there was no time to go back home. He would have to suffer the horrid stench for the whole day.

"Uhm… Kurt? I mean that in the nicest possible way, but you smell terrible…" Mercedes said when the shorter boy sat down next to his best friend and teammate in Science class.

"Gee, thanks, I hadn't noticed…" Kurt replied sarcastically.

"What happened?" she asked, seemingly unaffected by her friend's bad mood.

"Noah's back, that's what happened…"

"What did he do to you?" a masculine voice asked behind them.

Finn and Rachel were teamed up together, and always sat close to their glee friends. The jock was staring at his almost-step-brother with concern in his eyes.

"Dumpster dive, what do you think?"

"I thought he had stopped those months ago…" Rachel asked.

"He had… as far as I'm concerned, anyway… I'm sure the nerds of this school still get them frequently."

"I'm gonna kill him!" Finn said angrily.

"You will do no such thing, Finn Hudson! If I remember correctly, you never stopped him before he threw me in the dumpster; you merely held my designer coats." Kurt replied dryly.

Finn looked down, slightly ashamed. So much had happened between them since then, but at first he had, alas, been a part of Kurt's bullying.

"But you can't let him get away with it…" Mercedes said to her friend.

"I know, 'Cedes, and I don't intend to. I'll need your help, girls, if you don't mind."

"Of course, Kurt! I'd be happy to help you!" Rachel said cheerfully.

"Can you meet me in the choir room during lunch break?"

"Sure thing!" Mercedes agreed.

"Hey, I wanna help too!" Finn objected.

Kurt sighed. "If you really want to help, Finn, just make sure that Noah stays away from the choir room during lunch break. Can you do that?"

"Well, yeah, but…" The taller boy wanted to ask why he was kept out of Kurt's plan, but the science teacher arrived at that moment, and the teenagers had to end their conversation.


Finn had successfully managed to keep Puck away from the school during lunchtime. All he had to do was to suggest that they celebrate his return at KFC; they had been dying to try the Double Down, which in the end, Finn had found downright sickening.

Classes were now over, and the glee club members gathered to the choir room for their practice. They all took their seat and after a couple minutes, Mr. Schue made his entrance.

"Hey, guys! Before we start, let's give a warm 'welcome back' to Noah!"

The students applauded politely, and then Kurt raised his hand. "Mr. Schue, if I may?"

Will seemed surprised by the timely interruption. "Sure, Kurt…"

The fashionable teenager stood up and walked to the front of the room, next to the teacher. Will made a face and pinched his nose.

"In honor of Noah and his triumphant return from the youth detention center, I have prepared a song, with the help of Mercedes and Rachel. Ladies?"

The girls stood up and went to stand on his sides. The music started, and they both swayed their hips to the familiar harpsichord notes.

Santana smirked widely and Tina's jaw dropped; they had recognized the song. All lingering doubts disappeared when Kurt started to sing.

Look inside, look inside your tiny mind

Then look a bit harder

'Cause we're so uninspired, so sick and tired

Of all the hatred you harbor

Puck frowned and shifted uncomfortably in his seat. Finn, on the other hand, had his eyes riveted on Kurt and the girls, and he focused on the lyrics.

So you say it's not okay to be gay

Well, I think you're just evil

You're just some racist who can't tie my laces

Your point of view is medieval

Kurt took a deep breath, and noticed in the corner of his eye that Will seemed very unhappy with the performance. But he couldn't care about that; it was already too late to back off. He lifted his arm and pointed his finger at Puck, and the girls on his sides did the same. To his surprise, Santana and Brittany spontaneously decided to stand up and join the trio at the front. The five of them then all sang the chorus.

Fuck you, fuck you very, very much

'Cause we hate what you do

And we hate your whole crew

So please don't stay in touch

Mr. Schue couldn't hide his surprise upon hearing the F word. He held his hand over his mouth and kept staring at the performers, but luckily for Kurt, he did nothing to stop them. Finn seemed to be having a blast, and had a huge grin on his face. He was incredibly proud of his girlfriend and his almost-step-brother.

Kurt, Rachel and Mercedes then joined gesture to words as they raised their middle finger for the remainder of the chorus:

Fuck you, fuck you very, very much

'Cause your words don't translate

And it's getting quite late

So please don't stay in touch

"This is complete bullshit!" Quinn suddenly said loudly. Her remark was answered by a loud "shhh!" from Sam, who was thoroughly amused by the performance. Quinn gave him a look that, if it could have killed, would have murdered the blond boy on the spot. The performers kept going nonetheless. Kurt took a few steps towards the bully and kept on singing, looking at him dead in the eyes.

Do you get, do you get a little kick

Out of being small minded?

You want to be like your father

It's approval you're after

Well, that's not how you find it

Do you, do you really enjoy

Living a life that's so hateful?

'Cause there's a hole where your soul should be

You're losing control a bit

And it's really distasteful

Puck was doing his best to seem unaffected by the song, but he obviously wished he was somewhere else. It wasn't bad enough that Kurt fricking Hummel was basically singing a declaration of war, but he was doing it with most of the glee club's girls! What was up with that? He was a stud! Did they really like the little gay boy more than him? Had he really sunk that low?

Fuck you, fuck you very, very much

'Cause we hate what you do

And we hate your whole crew

So please don't stay in touch

Fuck you, fuck you very, very much

'Cause your words don't translate

And it's getting quite late

So please don't stay in touch

Lightning fast, Kurt, Mercedes and Rachel ran to Puck's chair and slowly walked around him, while singing the simple words of the song, hostility dripping from their voices, their eyes never leaving the bully.

Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you

Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you

Fuck you

Kurt then stopped right in Puck's face and sang the last verse, which he had carefully modified in the tall teenager's honor.

You say a mean bully is what you are

Well, you certainly are one

'Cause it's people like you that need to get lost

You should have stayed in prison

The three of them went back to their original positions, and sang the chorus one last time.

Fuck you, fuck you very, very much

'Cause we hate what you do

And we hate your whole crew

So please don't stay in touch

Fuck you, fuck you very, very much

'Cause your words don't translate

And it's getting quite late

So please don't stay in touch

Kurt, Mercedes and Rachel finally concluded the song with a loud "FUCK YOU!" yelled at the top of their lungs.

The audience was in shock, except for Finn, who sprang up from his chair and clapped loudly. "Wooo! That was awesome!"

"Dude, shut up!" Puck snapped.

"Oh, you shut up! You totally deserved it!" Finn snapped right back.

"Enough!" Will shouted, thus shutting up the both of them. Finn sat back down, a guilty look on his face.

Mr. Schue then turned to the students who were still standing at the front. "What the heck was that?"

The girls looked at each other anxiously while Kurt solemnly kept his chin up. "Well, Mr. Schue, this is what we call payback."

"Payback for what?" Will asked.

"You are well aware of the existence of the slushie facials, an act of bullying mostly favored by the football and hockey teams. What you may not know, even though most of the time it has happened right under your nose, is that Noah's staple is what we call 'dumpster dive', which is basically the act of throwing another student in the dumpster full of garbage bags. Before New Directions came to existence, dumpster dives were part of my daily routine. Whether you truly were unaware of this or chose not to react, that is for your conscience to decide. However, Noah ceased to torment me as we all grew closer. Until this morning."

"Yeah, I… I noticed the smell. You should have come straight to me! This song was inappropriate on so many levels! I can't leave this unpunished. All five of you will have detention tomorrow."

"Ha!" Puck exclaimed.

"Noah Puckerman, I am not finished. What you did repeatedly, and apparently continue to do, is incredibly wrong. But this is out of my hands. I will let Principal Figgins decide of the punition he sees fit. As a teacher, that is all I can do."

Kurt was about to protest, but Will raised his hand to silence him. "It's bad enough that you bully the other students, but this time, your target was a fellow glee-clubber, a member of our family. As the director of New Directions, it is in my power to kick you off the club, and that's what I've decided to do. You're out."

"WHAT?" Quinn exclaimed from the back of the class.

"What is your problem?" Sam asked her, obviously pissed.

The head cheerleader gave him a look of deep frustration, growled and stormed out of the class.

Puck slowly stood up, grabbed his bag and looked at all of his former club mates with disdain. "Whatever." He then walked out of the classroom, accompanied by Mr. Schue.

As soon as they were both gone, Finn ran to his almost-step-brother. "That was amazing! That totally shut him up!" He raised his hand and gave Kurt a resonant high-five.

"I'm sorry I kept you out of this; it's just that your baritone voice would have been completely wrong for this song."

"That's okay." Finn then turned to his girlfriend and passionately kissed her.

Santana grabbed Kurt's shoulder to face him and pointed her finger to his face. "Next time you plan something like this, I demand that you tell me. I live for such coup d'états."

Kurt smiled. "I promise. Now, if you'll all excuse me, I really, really need a shower."


The song is, of course, "Fuck You" by Lily Allen.

A small reminder, which will appear at the end of all of my fics:

I write stories for FUN. I am not interested in starting debates, so if you don't like or agree with the ideas or opinions expressed in my stories, then please refrain from reviewing. Spiteful reviews make me want to delete my stories, and I have done so in the past. And if that makes anyone think that I have self-confidence issues, then so be it, I really don't care. However, I very much appreciate CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM, especially if it's based on language issues, because English is not my first language.