They've been together since the end of junior year at McKinley, when Finn put his popularity before his relationship with Rachel for the three-hundredth (and last) time. After the demise of Finchel, he waited a respectable amount of time (two whole days) before swooping in and showing her what a relationship with a real man could be like. To the surprise of everyone they'd ever known, they stayed together through the rest of high school, and on through college (him at OSU for a degree in Social Work, her at Juilliard for literally everything), and despite his sordid sexual past and the difficulties of a long distance relationship, he never once cheated on her, was never even tempted to stray (fuck you if you don't believe him, he was a changed man after he got out of juvie). Now, after graduation, they live together in an amazing apartment her Dad's bought her when she came to New York over four years ago. They've cohabitated (her word) for barely 6 hours, when they reach a major relationship milestone.
"Rach, baby, slow your roll." he stills her hips as she straddles him on their bed. "Condom." he explains as he reaches toward the freshly stocked drawer in the nightstand, blindly rummaging around for a foil wrapped square he dumped in there just earlier that day.
"Noah" she breathes out before leaning down to meet his lips with her own, her hands running up and down his length as their tongues tangle. "No." she states decidedly against his open mouth.
"No? No, what? No bouncy-bouncy, 'cause you were the one who attacked me with your sexiness when I..."
"No, I mean... no condom." she replied with a sweet grin painting her lips. "But, yes to the... bouncy-bouncy." she grimaced, parroting his words.
"I don't think I'm following you here, babe."
"It's just... you got your test results back, right? And everything was good?"
" 'Course, you know I'm clean. You're the only person I've been with in like, almost six years."
"Exactly. And you're the only person I've been with, ever, so... I'm good, too. So then that covers everything, it's all taken care of. And we're in a stable relationship, living together... and so, I think we should maybe stop using them... condoms. I don't think we need them anymore. I really just want to feel you, make love with you without anything between us. It's our first night living together, I really want it to be special. Is that okay?" she ask with a shrug, seeming insecure about his feelings on the topic.
"Okay? Rachel, it is so fucking far beyond okay." he growls out, his hand sliding into her hair, tugging her mouth back to his as he rolls her beneath him on their bed. "Love you baby, so fucking much. Can't wait to feel you around me."
And he wasted no more time thinking on the topic, instead fully enjoying the TightHotWet of her body for the first time. After all, she said it was all taken care of.
Only, now, here he sits on the couch beside her, almost four weeks later, watching his girlfriend/woman/whatever-the-hell (so he was still a little squeamish about giving their relationship, and each other, labes) devour the nastiest looking shit he's ever seen anyone eat. Seriously, gross.
Either Rachel's pregnant, or she's gearing up to play a human vacuum on Broadway.
And it's not just the hoovering of massive amounts of disgusting foods that has him worried. For instance, just the other night when he was eating her out, he could have sworn she tasted different, sweeter maybe - and after nearly six years, he knows how she tastes (he treats his woman right, fuck you very much). And then, there were a few mornings just the week before that she complained that she had an upset stomach, but no actual ralphing happened, thank fuck! - again, gross.
So now that he's thinking it, he can't un-think it, and he just really fucking needs her to calm his fears and shit. He's kind of flipping the fuck out.
"Rach, babe, your birth control pills aren't expired, or shit, right? I mean you check out the dates on 'em, or whatever?" There, that wasn't so bad, sounded nice and calm.
"What birth control pills, I'm not on any birth control pills." she questions as she inhales her second tofurkey dog slathered in sauerkraut, Harry & David's Calico Corn Relish, and vegan ranch dressing.
"Uhm, yeah you are."
"I think I would know if I was on birth control, Noah." she rolls her eyes.
"Seriously babe, what the fuck? Remember the day I moved up here, and you were all about climbing on my junk without a rubber, and I asked you about protection, and you said..."
"Yes, I remember our decision to forgo using condoms. We were both STD free, I saw no need for us to continue using prophylactics."
"Uh, yeah, okay, except maybe to keep my boys from swimming upstream." he replies, his voice (and blood pressure) rising.
"I seriously don't think it's a concern, Noah. After all, vas..."
"I don't mean to overstep my boundaries as your... kind-of boyfriend," he interrupts, "but fuck it, are you pregnant?"
"You can't get me pregnant Noah, and you're the only man I've ever slept with, so no..."
"What do you mean I can't get you pregnant? Do you know something I don't."
"As I was trying to say, before you so rudely interrupted me, it's nearly impossible for a man, post vasectomy, to impregnate anyone. At least without a reversal procedure. I believe the odds are one in two-thousand. I did my research, and thought it was an acceptable percentage of error."
"Dude, what the hell are you talking about?" he shouts, panic evident in his tone of voice.
"Don't call me 'dude'. And what I'm talking about, is you can't get me pregnant after your vasectomy." she explains as if she were talking to a child, "The odds are..."
"Hate to break it to you babe, but I never had a vasectomy. I'm a man, nobody is gonna get near my pogo-stick with a knife. Fuck no!"
"Yes, you did have a vasectomy, Noah." she insists, not yet accepting the truth of his words, or the situation. "The summer before junior year in high school, after the situation with Quinn and Beth. Everyone at school knew about it."
"Everyone but me, you mean, and I sure as shit would remember someone cutting on my business." he says, a scowl on his handsome face.
"Surely you know the rumor mill at McKinely was active. I mean if we believed all the bullshit that people spouted there, then you'd be a dude and we wouldn't be having this conversation. "
"I don't want you to panic or anything, Rach, but you're totally up the duff." he shrugged nonchalantly, a smirk working it's way across his lips. The idea of Rachel carrying his baby inside her belly was all of the sudden making him feel pretty badass.
"How is it possible that all these years later that stupid school is still messing with my life." she groaned, burying her face in his shoulder, the shock of it all finally getting to her.
"Hey, what do you think of the name 'Jackie' if it's a girl?"