So, of course I needed to write something after last night's heart-breaking episode. I am still heartbroken over all of it, and am so not looking forward to next week, I will cry my eyes out. So here's my take on after-events. Enjoy and let me know what you think.
I don't own Packed to the Rafters, if I did I wouldn't have had to write this :(
He was still unable to process it.
It still amazed him that it had been a month, four weeks, 28 days, 672 hours , 40 320 minutes and 2 419 200 seconds. It was almost impossible for him not to keep count. It was an inevitability that over time the burden would eventually lift from his shoulders, but at the current moment he still was unable to comprehend how the future could even occur.
She was gone. It had taken him weeks to accept it, he had been in complete denial for the first few days, and he blocked out the image of her on the cold table and continued to live in a fantasy.
But, soon he couldn't live like that. He would constantly turn over at night and ache inside when he felt the empty side beside him.
The cold, empty space; vacated too early. It was killing him.
It was then he had to begin to accept it, even though he could still not understand it.
Ben was at his parents' house, one of the only places he could bear to be lately. Today was one of his dark days. The time he thought the world would end, or when he honestly believed the next day wouldn't come. And surprisingly for him those days seemed like a relief. He was looking for an outlet, some way to believe that life was worth loving, but those thoughts, unfortunately, were sparse.
He felt angry, angry that while she was facing her last moments he was becoming frustrated over missing her phone calls. He was angry that he was the one left behind; that she was taken before they even had a chance of defining their life together.
Lying on the couch that held some many memories from his childhood, he allowed thoughts of his late wife to wash over him and soothe him.
"Ben, mate wake up," Ben felt a hand on his shoulder rousing him. When he slowly opened his eyes he saw the warm eyes of his grandfather looking down on him concerned.
"Hey, grandad," he said dragging himself up.
"You fell asleep. We let you sleep for a while, but we thought if we didn't wake you, you wouldn't sleep tonight," Ted told him in a soothing tone.
"Thanks," Ben said wiping his hands over his face in an attempt to wake fully.
"How are you holding up?" Ted asked trying not to sound like he was prying.
"Ok, well you know," he said.
"Yes that I do. And I most certainly understand how you are feeling," Ted said wisely. The older man slowly moved to sit down next to his eldest grandson and placed his hand on his shoulder comfortingly.
"Grandad, can I ask you something?"
"Sure you can."
"Does it ever go away? I mean, the hole that's there, does it ever go away?" Ben asked with tears beginning to form in his eyes. Ted took a deep breath, wanting to advise his grandson as bet he could without directing his grief in any way.
"Well, honestly and really honestly, the pain, the hole and you say never goes away. As hard as they may seem to accept, it never completely goes away. Of course the pain fades over time and you are able to deal with it. But, something that you and Melissa had, that can never be replaced or repaired," Ted told him quietly.
"So I will never stop feeling like this. We were supposed to have a lifetime together. We got barely a year, it wasn't supposed to happen this way," Ben began to become distressed and agitated.
"Ben, listen, I understand how you feel. Unfortunately Melissa was taken away from you far too soon and I am so sorry for that, if any of us could bring her back we would. But, maybe the one thing you need to remember is that you may not have had a lifetime with her, but she got her lifetime with you. Her last moments were thinking of you and coming to see you. She loved you as much as you love her and you were her last thoughts and she had her lifetime with you."
Ben was surprised by his grandfather's emotional outburst, but was very thankful that someone was being honest and blunt with him instead of tip-toeing around him. This caused his forming tears to fall and he began to let out emotions that he thought he had well and truly shed of. As he began to cry he felt his grandfathers arms wrap around him and pull him into him like he used to when he was younger. He was accepting, he was beginning to, slowly, but beginning to heal.
He was so caught up in his emotions that he missed his grandfather look over his head and nod at his mum, reassuring her that he, her son, would be ok eventually.