Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Twilight characters or this story idea. Only real life experience could hatch an egg this crazy and hilarious.
Billy sits watching the Mariners play on his TV, Embry, Seth and Quil are sitting around him, keeping him company while Jacob and Leah are out enjoying their little 'date'. Both of them hating that word for their 'outings' as they like to refer them as. Billy always rolls his eyes, nods his head and winks at Jacob as the two of them leave. Today Jacob and Leah were out riding motorcycles; as Leah absolutely refused to ride in the 'bitch seat' and Jacob had argued that the idea of his 6'8" frame riding on the bike holding her to her tiny 5'8" frame wasn't much better. The solution: they both need a motorcycle to ride of their own; and that is what Jacob did after getting a job and refurbishing an old bike.
Seth sits up slightly, his head turning towards the front door and his eyes looking at something through the wood. Embry and Quil both turn their attention towards the door as well but don't keep up the vigil like Seth and turn back to the TV. Billy watches intrigued as Seth's head turns slightly to the side and can't help but notice how more often times, than not, the 'warriors' sometimes act like dogs. Seth's head follows the unseen beings around to the side of the house and to the backyard before his brow furrows and he begins to fidget anxiously.
'Jake and Leah must be back.'
Billy comments but turns back to the game. In a matter of minutes, Leah and Jacob both come through the door; Leah laughing and in tears while Jacob walks in with a huge, angry frown on his face and his shirt ripped.
"SHUT THE FUCK UP, LEAH!" Jacob snarls angrily as he whirls around and glares down at Leah.
"I – I, I can't help it." Leah says laughing again as she, vainly, tries to wipe away her tears.
"What the hell happened to you?" Embry asks his eyes wide as he takes in his Alpha's appearance. Jacob stands in the doorway of the living room, shirt ripped, muscles tense, chest and shoulders heaving with his breathing, his jaw and fists clenched tight and murder in his eyes.
'Or maybe it's embarrassment?'
Billy wonders as he turns and looks down at Leah; the poor thing's face a deep red as she clings to Jacob's arm to keep her from falling on the floor.
"OH GAWD, JA – JAKE," Leah breathes out as she takes deep heavy gulps of air, trying to calm herself down. "I need to go to the bathroom before I – I," Leah says but one look at Jacob her resolve crumbles and she breaks out into laughter again. "PISS ON MYSELF!" Leah laugh-screams as she runs to the bathroom.
"Okay…so what happened?" Quil asks with a smirk on his face. Leah's laughter echoes from the bathroom before she opens the door.
"DON'T TELL THEM UNTIL I'M DONE!" Leah yells and closes the door again.
"I'M NOT TELLING THEM SHIT! AND NEITHER ARE YOU!" Jacob yells towards the bathroom and then storms off to his room.
The four men look from one to another in confusion and interest. Coming out the bathroom Leah walks back into the living room and sighs while rubbing her side before sitting down on the couch.
"Leah, what happened, darling?" Billy asks with a smile on his face. Billy finds himself unable to stop smiling upon Leah's bright and genuine smile, her eyes shining brightly and a cheerful glow exuding from her.
"Okay," Leah says nodding her head and licking her lips. "So Jake and I went out riding our motorcycles." Leah begins but is interrupted as Jacob comes storming back out of his room, the shredded shirt gone and now replaced with his bare chest.
"I thought I told you that you weren't telling them what happened." Jacob growls out through clenched teeth as Leah grins back up at him, completely unfazed.
"Oh no nonononono, my dear Jake-y, this is just too good of a story to not tell." Leah says shaking her head and chuckling.
"I could Alpha order you." Jacob throws out with a heavy breathe.
"You could but you're not gonna." Leah throws right back out with a smug look on her face. "You're not like Sam." Billy and the wolves all turn to Jacob to watch his shoulders deflate and his facial expression darken. "Now just sit down and let's regale everyone about our outing."
"Date." Jacob shoots out as he walks around the couch and sits down next to Leah. Billy's smile widens as Leah gives Jacob a dark look, her lips puckered and her eyes narrowing.
'I knew it.'
"Anyway," Leah says after rolling her eyes and shaking her head.
"You know what? I'll tell it." Billy watches amused as the two bicker back and forth over who should be allowed to tell the story and why. Its 'cute' in a way watching them interact because it's obvious that they both care and possibly 'love' one another but are both too stubborn to admit it. Eventually Leah concedes and sits back with her arms crossed as she pouts for a moment over her loss; Billy noticing for a second how Jacob pulls her closer to him and she snuggles into his side.
So we were out for a nice ride on our motorcycles and you know how there's that 'behind the power curve' ability that riders have to have.
"He said it's that ability to make quick decisions while riding. If you lose it you're supposed to pull over and take a break or something – clear your head." Leah explains and gives Jacob a sweet smile and nods him on to continue.
So as we were riding along we wound up in heavy, high-speed traffic on the freeway; which is no big deal as I can handle it and Leah needs the practice anyway. But suddenly Leah was nearly run down by a truck,
"Uh…excuse me but I was fine. That was you." Leah points out and Jacob sighs.
"Fine, it was me? Happy?" Jacob asks before Leah again nods him on.
By this truck that decided it needed my lane more than I did. This normally isn't a big deal because it happens but I can usually predict which drivers are not paying attention and avoid them before we are even close.
I was worried about Leah, that's what distracted me.
But this guy I missed seeing until it was nearly too late and as I took evasive action I nearly broadsided another car that I was not even aware was there and then almost took out Leah.
"He can't drive; it frightened me." Leah says with huge sad and desperate eyes.
Well three bad decisions and insufficient situational awareness…ALL within seconds; I found myself behind the power curve. So it was definitely time to get off the freeway.
So we hit the next exit which was fine because we were in area we've patrolled before and just decided to take the residential neighborhoods to head home. As we turned onto the nearly empty streets I opened up my visor on my helmet to get some air. Figured some slow riding through the quiet surface streets would give me time to relax, think and regain that "edge" needed to ride.
"So you thought." Leah shoots out and begins grinning like the Cheshire Cat.
As I passed this oncoming car, a brown furry missile shoots out from under it and tumbles to a stop immediately in front of me. It was a squirrel! A fucking squirrel and it must've been trying to run across the street when it came across the car. I wasn't going too fast but there was no time to brake and avoid it – it was that close!
"You hit the squirrel?" Seth asks with huge sad eyes as Leah buries her face into Jacob's chest, her body shaking.
I hate to run over animals; especially on my motorcycle – it's a bitch to clean. But a squirrel posed no danger to me and I barely had time to brace for the impact.
"So you hit the squirrel?" Quil asks his voice also sounding hurt and laced with disappointment.
"Oh, believe me," Leah says coming up for air, her face red all over again. "Squirrels can take care of themselves."
So inches before the impact, the squirrel flips to his tiny feet, he's standing on his hind legs and facing me with steadfast resolve in his little beady eyes. His mouth opens, and at the last possible second, the little monster screams his head off and LEAPS AT ME! I'm pretty damn sure the scream was squirrel for 'Banzai!' or maybe 'Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!' or something else empowering because it leaps up and flies right over the windshield and smacks me squarely in the chest.
Billy and the wolves eyes all widen in shock as Jacob tells his story, their mouths hanging open in disbelief as Leah sits trying to control her laughter, tears streaming down her face and her hand covering her mouth.
Instantly he begins attacking me. If I didn't know any better I would've thought he'd brought at least 20 of his friends to join in the assault. Snarling, hissing and tearing at my clothes, he was in a fucking frenzy. All I had on was the shirt, the new gloves I bought and jeans…so really not a lot to protect me. This little fucking beast was doing some serious damage!
"Okay, okay, so now picture Jake, at 6'8", shirt tight anyway with all those muscles," The wolves groan, "on his huge black and chrome bike, dressed in jeans, that black t-shirt, leather gloves and casually cruising at about 25-mph down this quiet street and THEN he's in the fight for his life with a fucking squirrel! AND HE'S LOSING!" Leah breaks out laughing again as Embry's shoulders begin to shake, Billy clears his throat and sucks on his lips, Seth starring wide eyed and Quil is laughing and pointing.
So I grab for him with my left hand and manage to snag his tail. So I fling the evil rodent off on the left side of my bike, almost running into the curb on my right as I recoil from the throw.
You'd think that should have done it. The matter would've ended right then and there…because it should've. The squirrel could've sailed into one of the neat yards and gone on about his business and I could've gone home. We all could've just gone on home.
But…no, nuh-uh. Not this little – little demon squirrel from Hell. This wasn't even the ordinary pissed off squirrel that'll dart up the safety of a tree to chatter and bark at you either.
This thing was a trained attack squirrel of death! It was out for blood! MY BLOOD!
Somehow it caught onto my gloved finger with one of his little hands and somehow swung himself around and landed right smack on my back. From there he decided to continue his merciless assault – all the while having now successfully taken my glove with him.
So now I'm seriously fucked because now, NOW I can't reach him cuz he's on my back.
In the beginning, I was startled; I'm man enough to admit that. Okay, so the combination of the force of the throw meaning that I only have one hand, my throttle hand, on the handlebars, and jerking my back, in what proved to be a vain attempt at ridding the demon spawn, forces my hand to twist into the throttle. So because I hit the throttle on my Valkyrie there is only one result.
"Torque." Embry squeaks out trying to control his laughter.
Exactly and that is what she made for and believe me; she is very, very good at it.
So the engine roars and my front wheel leaves the pavement.
"So the squirrel is screaming, the bike is screaming, Jake is screaming and I'm just yelling." Leah says interrupting Jacob again.
"Okay so now picture Jake, all 6'8" muscle-ness, on the big black and chrome bike, dressed in the jeans, the slightly torn t-shirt, one leather glove, roaring down the street now probably at about 80-mph down this what used to be a quiet residential street on one wheel and a tiny crazy squirrel on his back. EVERYTHING'S screaming!"
So with this sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars just to try and gain some kind of control over my bike; which means now that the squirrel has complete free reign. I didn't want to crash into a parked car, slam into someone's house or run into a tree,
"Oh! Definitely not," Leah says shaking her head. "The rest of the squirrel army probably would've kamikaze'd you."
So, apparently, I hadn't yet figured out how to release the throttle. How could I? My brain was overloaded with the need to survive! But I do manage to mash down the back brake; but it does little now that I'm speeding down at like 80-mph.
Around this time, Hellion, that's what I've decided to name the squirrel. Hellion decides that I'm not paying enough attention to him and our duel; because our fighting, screaming and manhandling one another isn't enough. Heaven forbids I at least get both tires back on the ground because then that'd take away from my handicap. So he scampers around my neck and gets IN my full-face helmet…did I, or Leah, mention that I still have it on? Well, yea, I still do.
So for some strange reason my faceplate decides to close partway which means Hellion is now partly trapped IN MY FACE HISSING at me.
"At this point he began screaming like a girl. I'm surprised no one came outside." Leah says cracking up once again. Jacob looks down in embarrassment before taking a deep breath and continuing on.
Well, whatever, you'd all scream too if Hellion was after ya. But no matter what my screaming sounded like he wasn't affected.
So with my rpm's maxed out my Valkyrie's front end starts to drop – FINALLY but not all the way.
Jacob looks down at Leah as she's holding her side with laughter, Billy is chuckling trying not to laugh out right in his son's face, Embry has given up trying to contain his, Quil is laid out flat on his back laughing and Seth's eyes are still huge, mouth hanging open and worry written all over his face.
"Okay, so now," Leah begins as it seems that the two have a system worked out to their combined storytelling. "Picture Jake, all 6'8" muscle-girly-screaming-ness, on the huge black and chrome bike, dressed in the jeans, the now raggedly torn t-shirt, wearing one leather glove, roaring down the street at about 80-mph, still on the one wheel – I had sped up by the way because I didn't want to be behind Jake when he finally managed to get the demon,"
"Hellion." Jacob throws out.
"Right, Hellion off of him. With a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out his partly closed helmet. At this point, the fight has to be getting ready to end because the screams of terror and bloodlust are getting pretty hoarse."
So finally I get the upper hand. I manage to grab his tail, pull him out of my helmet and sling him to the left as hard as I possibly can. This time…IT WORKED! IT ACTUALLY WORKED!
"Oh, can I tell this part? Please let me tell this part." Leah begs, her hands clasped together before resting on Jacob's leg and shaking it.
"Alright, alright go ahead."
"Yay!" Leah cheers before turning to face the others are eyes still shining.
So down on this 'quiet' residential street sits a cop car. Two cops, in fact, and one is sporting a very familiar and easily recognizable mustache. They must've been either talking about getting donuts or fell asleep while doing paperwork. I don't know but they obviously weren't paying attention to what was going on around them.
So…Jake drives by in his 6'8" muscle-hoarse-from-screaming-like-a-girl-ness on his huge black and chrome bike, dressed in his jeans, wearing a shredded t-shirt that is now flapping in the breeze, wearing one leather glove, still moving at 80-mph on one wheel, screaming bloody murder suddenly roars by and with all his might FLINGS a live squirrel grenade directly into the cruiser.
Silence falls across the room as everyone stares in disbelief at the twist the story has taken.
Jacob Black has thrown a squirrel into Chief Charlie Swan's cruiser.
"I heard screams." Jacob says excitedly. "I knew they weren't mine and I managed to gain complete control over my bike and drop the front wheel to the ground." Jacob breathes out and hangs in his head in relief. "Then using the maximum braking, I skid to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign, next to Leah and at what is now a busy cross section."
"I would've gone back to apologize to Charlie…and to get my glove back, honest." Jacob says nodding his head and looking from one stunned face to the other. "But…for one, Leah talked me out of it."
"It was suicide to go back there!" Leah cries still laughing.
"Yea, true and that apparently, Charlie and his partner really didn't seem too interested or the slightest bit worried about me at the moment. The one cop was on his back in someone's front yard and rapidly crabbing backwards away from the patrol car."
"And Charlie," Leah breaks in, "is standing in the middle of the street with a shotgun aimed at the police cruiser."
"So the cops were obviously not interested in me and we," Jacob says pointing between him and Leah, "decided to 'let the professionals handle it'."
"And Jake swore up and down that he saw Hellion standing in the back window of the cruiser snarling, hissing and scratching at the window trying to get out and 'finish the job'." Leah says with air quotes as she turns and smirks at Jacob.
"I swear that little fucker gave me the finger." Jacob states adamantly with a frown and his eyes huge. "I mean he took over a cop car!" Jacob hisses as Leah continues laughing.
"So what happened?" Embry asks wiping tears from his eyes.
"What happened? We got the hell outta there!" Leah states as Jacob nods his head.
"After that bullshit I'm done with residential streets. I'll take my chances with the trucks." Jacob admits with a sigh as he sits back.
"To be honest, I didn't start laughing until we pulled into the garage and I saw that Jake was alright." Leah admits as she wraps her arms around him and gives him a tight hug.
"I'm glad you waited to ask me if I was alright before making a mockery of that vicious assault." Jacob says over the laughter of the room as he softly pecks Leah's lips.
"Oh – oh Jesus, that story is too funny, Jake." Quil says calming down from his laughter, his hand resting on his aching stomach.
"I know, man, guess you'll have to get like rabies shot or something, huh?" Embry asks also calming down from his laughter. Jacob only growls as his two best friends laugh even more as his face pales.
"Wait!" Seth yells over the noise. "What happened to the poor squirrel?" Seth asks once everyone is quiet and has their full attention.
"Seth?" Jacob yells with hurt over his face. "I was almost killed by that – that thing. I hope Charlie shot it." Jacob growls out as laughter erupts again.
"That's a horrible thing to say, Jake!" Seth scolds as he shakes his head.
"Well…at least it seems like you two had a very interesting date, huh?" Billy asks with a huge grin on his face taking in Leah's arms still wrapped around Jacob, leg crossed over resting across his knee and his own son's hands holding her tightly.
Looking down at their situation Jacob and Leah both exchange glances before Jacob shrugs and Leah chuckles while nodding her head.
"Yea, yea we did have a very interesting date." Leah concedes with a short nod as Jacob plants a light kiss on her forehead.
A/N: Alright so this idea, sadly or rather thankfully, isn't my own. I received an email with a link to the website that has the story. I was, literally, dying at my desk and in tears. There was even a warning with the email saying to not eat or drink anything and I completely understand why.
But after I posted Spider Love there were quite a few of you asking for Leah to get revenge on Jacob and I think that this is the best kind of revenge anyone could ask for. Unplanned, unscripted and untraceable; the best revenge is the kind that you get to witness and enjoy but couldn't have planned better yourself.
But the email was called 'Pure Crack' so check it out if you get it. LOL. And the site is, because I always want to give credit where credit is due at http: / lifeisaroad(.)com / stories / 2004 /10 /29 /neighborhood Hazardor Why The Cops Wont Patrol Brice Street(.) html.
Just no spaces in between. But this story made my day. I hope you all enjoy it as much as I and my co-workers did.