The inspiration for this story came from when I was reading a message board and somebody posted some threads about some of the characters from Modern Family, and I began to think, what if they wrote a character that was just like some of the audience that watched the show, like the people who were posting in these threads?
The doorbell rang.
Claire gave an exasperated sigh, surrounded by endless chores and a need to get out of the house – both for the sake of more chores and her own sanity.
"Luke! Hayley! Alex! I need you kids to be nice to Mr. Chan and to treat him with respect! He's a very important client for your dad!"
Claire heard the door open, soon followed by Luke yelling.
"Mom! There's some weirdo at the door!"
Clare gave yet another exasperated sigh, clearly asking whether or not she raised these kids right. "I'll be right there Luke! And don't call him a weirdo!"
Claire rushed to the door and almost ran into a startling mass that verged on inviting itself in. This mass was covered in a strange button-up shirt, the brightest shade of electric blue Claire had ever seen, and made even more strange by the even brighter, super-colorful cartoon characters spewed all across it, all of which in turn wore alternating cartoonish body armor and orange jump suits engulfed in electrified flames matching their equally flaming, pure-blonde hair. Already Claire had doubts that this man could afford a multi-million dollar house and wondered if her husband had made yet another gigantic mistake, but her doubts became magnified as her eyes traveled up the man's thick, stout neck whose flesh had almost swallowed his Adam's apple and an equally rotund face with bulging cheeks, irritated, pale skin and hair that looks as if it had just been washed for the first time in weeks.
The next thought in Claire's mind was that, perhaps, she raised Luke to be all right after all.
"Uh, Mr. Chan is it?" The lump of a man in front of her nodded, the flaps of his neck jiggling even with such limited movement. "Would you like to come in?" Mr. Chan nodded again, before his neck could stop jiggling from the first shake. He moved awkwardly forward, his bouncing girth barely fitting through the door sill. He handed Claire a one-hundred dollar bill, almost as if to prove her doubts wrong.
"Make me a sammich, woman" he said deadpan, without irony.
Claire didn't know what to say other than give a confused "uhh" followed by "I have to go and run some errands, and you're an adult man and can make your own sandwich," to which Mr. Chan gave a confused, puzzled look. Claire was just getting more and more confused, more and more exasperated and more and more late for her appointments, so she just trusted her kids to be able to handle Mr. Chan on their own.
"Hayley! Alex! Come down here and meet Mr. Chan!"
Mr. Chan heard the two Dunphy daughters come down the stairs, and when he turned to look at them, he failed to notice his mouth was left open and how he had even started to drool a little bit. His heart began to race, which was enough to cause very visible beads of sweat on his forehead. He tried to remember the last time he had seen such beautiful young women – actually, it wasn't hard for him to remember at all as he had been siphoning off the Dunphy's WAN network while he was waiting outside. Phil had struck him as the type of person not smart enough to check his IP cache to notice (he wasn't smart enough to encrypt it in the first place, after all), and besides the internet is for porn anyway.
But what made these young women different from the ones Mr. Chan was used to perusing were that they were real, right in front of him, and he could touch them if he wanted to. And he so wanted to.
"Mr. Chan…are you all right? You're sweating an awful lot" said Claire.
"Uhh…yes, it's a glandular problem I have. I'm just hungry."
Claire was becoming more and more disgusted with Mr. Chan and wanted to leave in a hurry. "This is my son Luke, and this is Hayley and Alex."
Mr. Chan pointed at Hayley. "I'm gonna call you Yourichi!"
Hayley furrowed her eyebrows in disgust. "Mom, what's he even doing here?"
"Hayley, I told you, he's an important client for your dad!"
Mr. Chan then pointed at Alex. "I'm gonna call you Sailor Jupiter!"
Alex shot off a worrying glance back to Claire before almost screaming. "Mom!"
"Alex! Hayley! I can't even leave you two alone in the house for one second…just help Mr. Chan with whatever he needs until your dad gets back home." Mr. Chan smiled widely, and Claire suddenly felt a chill down her spine. "Just…don't forget to dial 9-1-1 if something happens!" And with that Claire was out the door.
Mr. Chan then turned towards the Dunphy kids. He put out a one-hundred dollar bill. "Make me a sammich woman."
Both Alex and Hayley just gave him a disgusted look, but Luke ran out and snatched the bill from Mr. Chan's hand, yelling "I'll do it!"
Mr. Chan was somewhat dumbstruck by the energetic little tyke, but soon focused his mind on more important things.
"Hey Yourichi do you need a boyfriend?"
Mr. Chan was then distracted by a new set of footsteps down the stairs as Dylan made his way down.
"Oh, I'm sorry, I already have a boyfriend" smugly replied Hayley.
Alex wasn't as happy to see Dylan. "Dylan was upstairs the whole time? Does mom know?"
"No of course mom doesn't know!" angrily replied Hayley.
"Hey, who's the new dude?" asked Dylan as he pointed at Mr. Chan.
"I'm Yourichi's new boyfriend" replied Mr. Chan.
"Who's Yourichi?" asked Dylan.
"Nevermind him," replied Hayley.
Mr. Chan then pointed at Hayley. "That's Yourichi. She's my One True Pairing. My Waifu."
Dylan merely looked confused while Hayley became more and more disgusted.
"What does he mean by waifu and one true pairing and Yourichi? I don't even know what he's talking about!"
"He's just a disgusting freak who doesn't get the message." Hayley made her worst disgusting face at Mr. Chan, who seemed nonetheless oblivious.
"Well why don't we get out of here and spend some time alone then?" suggested Dylan as he lept from the banister and embraced Hayley. Their embrace was suddenly interrupted by Mr. Chan, who pointed at the couple.
Hayley and Dylan both looked at Mr. Chan with all the disgust they could muster. "Yeah, we should just get out of here" said Dylan as he and Hayley left the house together. As the door closed, Mr. Chan kept pointing at Dylan screaming, "Boyfriend fail!"
Mr. Chan then turned to Alex and pointed at her. "Sailor Jupiter, do you want to be my waifu?"
"Uhhh…I have a big science project I have to study for," said Alex as she ran back upstairs, making sure to lock her room.
The next morning, everybody woke to the sounds of screams.
"Who did this to my guitar?" Dylan's face was a mix of shock and astonishment, wondering why on Earth someone would vandalize his prized guitar.
Hayley rushed down to the basement. "What's wrong?"
"Someone wrote THIS on my guitar!" exclaimed Dylan as he flipped his guitar over to its back, revealing two words written in large letters with a Sharpie pen:
Hayley looked on, equally astonished and shocked as Dylan, but it only took her a few seconds to figure out the culprit.
"Ugh! It must be that creepy Mr. Chan guy that mom's having stay with us!"
"And look what he did to my music sheets!" Dylan grabbed a few and held them up in the air, with the words MUSIC FAIL clearly scrawled across them. Just then, Dylan noticed something wrong with Hayley.
"What are those things on your head?"
"What things?" Hayley's hands searched all over her head, finally feeling a pair of fuzzy triangle shapes and taking them off.
"What the…these are from my Halloween cat costume, but how did they get on…." Hayley started thinking again. "Ugh, it's got to be that creepy Mr. Chan again!"
Both of them were startled again with a very loud scream that sounded as if it came from Alex's room. They ran back upstairs to the kitchen as Alex came down from her room.
"Can somebody explain to me THIS?" Alex, shaken and angry, pointed to herself, who was now suddenly wearing some sort of sleeveless costume, skirt and long stockings no one recognized, and her hair had been done in a ponytail.
Almost as if on cue, Mr. Chan came down to admire the girls.
"Ah, Sailor Fuku, Kino Makoto! A+ Zettai Ryouiki! Yatta!" he said.
"What is he saying?" Hayley was less angry and more confused as she looked to Alex.
"I don't know, but it's scaring me!"
"Kino engaged transformation sequence last night! Moon power! I helped!"
Alex suddenly had the type of epiphany she didn't want to have. "Oh my God he touched me! He touched me! Ewww! Ewwww! I need to go take a shower, ewww!" she screamed as she ran back up the stairs.
"Oh my God you're digusting!" said Hayley as she went upstairs too, presumably to wait outside the bathroom door for her turn at a shower.
"Dude, what kind of freak are you?" asked Dylan as he stared in sheer bewilderment at Mr. Chan, who had looked the same as he did yesterday – only a little greasier. Mr. Chan proceeded to ignore him.
"Look I can't have you harassing those girls all the time. Maybe someone should ask you to leave."
"lolwut?" was Mr. Chan's only response.
"You heard me. Maybe you need to leave."
"Oh, you want to fight? Ok I'll fight!" Mr. Chan got into his best fighting stance – an awkward choreography of flabby skin and rolls upon rolls of fat. But in his mind, he was a fit, lean fighting machine as his shapeless opponent lie ahead of him, with his beloved true loves, the beautiful Yourichi, Princess of the Soul Society, and Sailor Jupiter, defender against the evils of the Negaverse cheered him from the sideline. The air was thick as it played from nowhere the iconic theme of Street Fighter's Guile. Mr. Chan tensed his muscles, and got into his final pose.
"Sonic BOOM!" he yelled as he unleashed the fury from his fingertips.
Dylan stared confusingly at Mr. Chan as nothing happened.
"Uhhh…Sonic BOOM!" yelled out Mr. Chan. Once again, nothing happened.
Dylan started right at Mr. Chan at a running pace. Mr. Chan screamed in horror and ran as fast as he could towards the basement.
Alex was still shaken from the whole experience – three showers hadn't been enough and she still felt the urge to wipe her shoulders now and then. She dressed herself properly and put the sailor fuku uniform in a box with thoughts of asking either Uncle Mitch or Granddad to burn it during the next barbeque. She decided that the best way to deal with the situation was to concentrate on her school science project, so she went to grab her laptop. When she opened it up, she saw a series of disturbing images that caused her to shriek yet again.
Scrolling down the screen, she saw a clear sequence of images showing herself in bed, then Mr. Chan suddenly appearing within the shot. Each photo was timed-stamped 15 seconds apart, and there must have been hundreds of pictures showing Mr. Chan putting the sailor fuku uniform on her. Alex looked at the timestamps carefully, and realized the whole thing took less than two minutes, and from the shots it looks like Mr. Chan didn't even touch or expose her. The fact that he was able to do all this was almost a pleasant surprise for once, and Alex was actually feeling pretty impressed towards him.
Then she realized she wasn't looking at a folder.
At the end of the photographic sequence were a series of posts with various messages in reply, most of them perhaps not having the reaction Mr. Chan had hoped for.
"PEDO ALERT! PEDO ALERT! WHOOP WHOOP!"
"Why don't you have a seat over there?"
"IP reported have fun with your new boyfriend Bubba."
As Alex screamed, losing count of how many times she had already screamed today, Hayley burst into the room.
"Look at THIS!" Alex showed her the sequence of photos showing Mr. Chan hovering above Hayley's bed. Hayley instantly screamed.
"Eww ewww EWWWWWWW! WHAT'S THAT?" Hayley pointed to another photo they had just scrolled to, showing Hayley and Alex in the same bed with the caption "lol look wut I did in Photoshop."
"Oh my God this is so disgusting ewww!" The girls panicked, screamed, ran around the room, trying to figure out what to do until Claire finally came to see what was going on.
"What the heck is going on with you two?"
"Mom look!" Alex flipped the laptop back open to show Claire what Mr. Chan had been doing and posting online. Claire gasped, and was about to yell for Mr. Chan when he conveniently showed up.
"Hello my lovelies" he nonchalantly said.
"Mr. Chan what is the meaning of this?" Claire's voice was firm and demanding as he flashed the laptop in front of Mr. Chan.
"Uhhhh…uhhh…." Mr. Chan cleared his throat.
"What is this I don't even" was the only defense he offered, shrugging his shoulders. He then bolted out of the room.
A few minutes later, a doorbell rang.
"Who are you?" asked Claire.
"I think there's been a mix-up, you see, I'm Mr. Chan." This Mr. Chan was much taller, mature-looking, much more handsome and by his smart business suit, looked much more like the type of person able to afford the type of home Phil had been showing. He handed out a business card which Claire accepted.
"Uhhh…'Moot,' well, that's certainly an interesting name, uh, Mr. Moot Chan."
"'Moot' is just a convenient moniker I like to keep. In my line of business it helps to keep anonymous. But I've had to make a special exception here." His handsome face turned somewhat worrisome as he adjusted his tie.
"I see my brother has been impersonating me again, freely doling out my money to feed his disgusting habits."
"Your brother? Well, yeah, I'll be more than happy to reunite you two" Claire said with a strange enthusiasm.
"Once again I'd like to apologize for his behavior, Mrs. Dunphy. My younger brother, well…he still has a lot to learn about the real world and how to deal with women in particular. He rarely ventures outside the basement, unfortunately. Having to board with two young girls, even temporarily, can cause a lot of stress for him."
"Oh, well, I'm sure at his age with the hormones raging and stuff, it's hard for him. I'm sure as soon as he gets done with his teen years he'll turn out fine."
"Teen years? Mrs. Dunphy, he's 27!"
Alex and Hayley both breathed a sigh of relief as they watched the handsome "Moot" escort the brother Chan away from the house.
"I'm glad that's over" sighed Alex.
"Me too" agreed Hayley.
"Hey, Hayley…do you think that 'Moot' guy is really hot?"
"Yeah, actually, he is pretty hot. I…I think I…." Hayley didn't finish.
"I think I know what you're thinking" interrupted Alex.
"Hey, Alex…I know we don't always get along but…you have very pretty eyes."
"You too, sis."
Hayley and Alex both approached each other, got closer to each other, and closed their eyes as they extended their lips.