"Move, move you cheering idiots!" Bernard shouted, leaping out of the sleigh before the riendeer had a chance to get all of their hooves on the ground. "We only have a few hours and the big man and the Mrs. aren't even ready! We have presents to get loaded and a sleigh to prep..."
"Don't worry about the bleeding man," Angela snarked, pressing a rag to Kevin's bleeding hand.
"Kevin...that's what they called me...Kevin the Gray," The wounded author/possible mental patient mumbled.
"No one called you that," Hodgins stated.
"I am now Pope Kevin the White."
"Ignore him, he's suffering from bloodloss." Temperance stepped out of the sleigh with Booth's help.
"Dr. Brennan, I think the last thing we should do is ignore an injured man."
"Kevin the red nosed reindeer, had a very shiny nose..." Kevin slurred, eyes drifting shut.
"...on second thought..."
Daisy nodded her head. "I will personally help Kevin in any way I can."
Kevin's eyes shot open. "Oh God, don't let her cut me open!" He began to scramble out of the sleigh, only to howl in agony, clutching his side. "I'll learn to live with another hole in me, I swear!"
"Don't worry, I'll have the doctors take care of him. Eagleeye, Snapper, get him into surgery." Bernard motioned for two elves to tend to Kevin.
"Well certainly, Bernard!" Eagleeye said sarcastically, forcing Kevin onto a stretcher. "Congrats, you are our 1 millionth customer. You win an all expenses paid trip to OR."
Bernard ignored the rest, walking with Booth and Temperance. "Now then, we don't have alot of time to help you get ready for your trip, so we are going to have to do this on the fly. Don't worry, though, most of this should come naturally."
Booth nodded. "Right, just get me in the suit and lets get in the sleigh."
Temperance nodded. "The more rapidly Booth succeeds in making the deliveries, the longer the two of us have in our normal forms."
"That's right...wait, what?"
Temperance smiled, a twinkle in her eye. "I'll explain later."
"On Dasher, on Dancer!" Booth called out, decked out in fully Santa gear, Temperance by his side.
"On Prancer, and Vixen!" Daisy exclaimed excitedly, watching as the sleigh prepped for flight.
"I still can't believe he's Santa." Sweets mumbled. "What's next, I find out I'm the tooth fairy?"
At that moment, a snowman turned to Sweets. "Sir, I know the Tooth Fairy. i worked with the Tooth Fairy. You are no Tooth Fairy!"
"On Comet, On Cupid!"
"You know Jack...when I wanted Brennan and Booth to get together...this is not how I expected it."
Hodgins smirked at Angela. "I did, but I'm a little screwed up in the head."
"On Donner and Blitzen!"
"On Blood bag and IV!" Snapper snarked, working on Kevin as other elves moved about. "Hot Lips, I need some more gauze!"
(Somewhere in New York)
Booth smirked at he placed a gift under Richard Castle's tree, Martha Rodgers, convinced she was drunk and imagining him, rattling on.
"I swear, that boy should just blow Becket and get it over with!" She slurred.
Booth merely laughed and made his way back to the sleigh.
"Are you sure this is right?" Booth asked.
Temperance nodded. "Mojitos for Sam, C4 for Fiona and a year supply of yogurt for Michael."
"I hate Miami."
"I need more coal!" Booth shouted, shoving more into Mel Gibson's stocking.
"We used most of it up on Charlie Sheen." Temperance said. "Not that I know who that is..."
And so the night went. Around the world, Temperance and Booth delivered gifts to all the good little girls and boys, until at last they finished, and made their way home...
"Yo Kringles, what's up?"
"Hey Kwanza-bot!" Booth called out, waving to the robot in the rocket powered canoe.
(The North Pole...Christmas Afternoon)
After celebrating with the elves on a job well done, Temperance and Booth stood together in their new bedroom, watching as the sun began to set.
"Now...time to show you your surprise." Temperance stepped away...and Booth's jaw dropped as the years and pounds faded away, revealing Temperance's original form. He felt himself returning to his fangirl-heart-melting self, and with a saucy grin made his way towards his wife.
"Mr. and Mrs. C?" Hodgins said, knocking on the door.
"A little busy here!" Booth snapped.
The partners looked at Hodgins as he delivered the bad news.
Temperance and Booth held each other as they watched the funeral pyre being made. The cold winds of the North Pole whipped around them, but while the others needs to bundle up, they did not feel even the slightest bit cold.
"We did everything we could...but..." Bernard began.
Temperance shook her head. "This is what Kevin wanted." She looked at the timbers...
...and the pope's hat that sat there.
Kevin emerged from the crowd, dressed all in black, a burning torch in hand. He silently lit the pyre on fire, the night sky filling with the flames.
"Of all the hats I ever knew...he was the most...human."
A Soctish elf began to play "Amazing Grace."
(The Day After Christmas)
And that, dear reader, is how Temperance and Booth became Mr. and Mrs. Santa Claus. Oh, they continued to solve murders, just not during the month of December. They, along with Parker, and the many children they would soon have, would spend many years bringing joy to children, till at last they passed the mantle to a new couple and retired to spend the end of time together.
But...before all that...there is one more tale to tell...of the ceremony Booth and Brennan held to thank their friends for saving Christmas...
Angela tugged at the jacket she was wearing. It was bright yellow and something she would never be caught dead wearing of her own fear will. "You are sure this is the only jacket they had?"
Hodgins nodded. "Of course."
She, Hodgins, Cam, and Kevin all stood behind closed doors, waiting for the music to start to cue the beginning of the awards ceremony.
"And the only clothing they had for you was a Han Solo costume?"
"...yup." Hodgins said, tugging on his vest.
Cam and Angela exchanged a look...as the doors opened to the workshop's main hall, revealing all the elves waiting for them...and the Rebel Ceremony theme playing.
"Really, guys...really?" Cam asked, elbowing Kevin as they headed down the walkway.
"AAAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGHHH!" Kevin roared, clutching his wounded side. The elves all turned as one, and the foursome continued on down where Booth and Temperance were waiting. The music continued to play as Booth and Temperance gave each one of their friends a medal.
"Kevin...we decided on something better." Booth smirked as he held out a brand new pope hat, freshly stolen from the Vatican.
Booth held Temperance close as the elves cheered. "And they heard him exclaim, as he rode out of sight..." She murmured.
"Merry Christmas to all...and to all a good night."
Now, I bet you are wondering where all these Star Wars parodies are coming from. Well...
From Mr. Chaos, creator of the ABCverse and author of "The Greatest Story Finally Told" and "Elsewhere"...
A Long Time Ago...
In a Medical Lab Far, Far Away...
Cam: A young scientist name Max Keenan, who was a pupil of mine before he turned to crime, helped the government hunt down and kill the Jeffersonian Scientists. He Betrayed and murdered your father, Temperance. Max was seduced by the Dark Side of Science.
(We see Cam dressed in brown and white robes, a lightsaber in her hands...as Max, dressed in Darth Vader's armor, approaches)
Max: I've been waiting for you Cam. When we last saw each other I was only a student...but now...I am the master.
(We see Temperance as the controls of a gun, firing at Tie Fighters)
Temperance; Their velocity is making them simply too difficult to strike with a single shot...
Booth (also at a gun): Just say you can't hit them!
(We see A golden, robotic Zach Addy walking with R2-D2...except R2 has Hodgins' hair and beard)
Zach: You do realize we are doomed.
Hodgins: We aren't, because I have a plan. And that makes me king of the spaceship!
Comes the craziest crossover ever
(Booth glares at Russ, who, much to Russ' misery, is dressed like Princess Leia)
Booth: You have alot of nerve, Princess.
Russ; STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Bones Wars: A New Hope
Cam: Science will be with you...always.
Temperance:...that makes no logical sense.
Cam:Just go with it, will you?
Coming Jan 2011
(We see Temperance and Booth, dressed as Luke and Han, standing in front of Mr. Chaos' desk)
Temperance: You won't be inserting yourself in this one, will you?
(We pan around to find Chaos wearing Boba Fett's helmet.)
May the Farce be With You