Lost in You
Lost in you, something I can't fight/I cannot escape/I could spend my life lost in you
His fingers traced the plane of her back, smoothing over the soft pale skin that was warm beneath his fingertips. She lay quietly allowing his exploration of her, mapping her out so that, in the future, he would know everything about her. He traced her shoulder blades and the line of her spine to the small of her back before sweeping back up again and over her shoulders. When he stopped, she turned her head to face him, remaining stretched out on her front. His gaze had her heart squeeze in her chest for he looked at her like she was the most precious being in the whole of the universe and time.
Which she was not. And it was then that she knew she had to leave.
Hours later they stood outside of the TARDIS at her destination spot. He asked if she wanted company but she declined gently even though she ached to stay with him. She had a feeling that the TARDIS knew that she was leaving, for she had hummed melancholically as she brushed her hands over the doors fondly and in a kind of farewell. She looked up at him and she could see that consuming emotion, love, look back at her and the yearning that always followed.
He saw, as he always had seen in her eyes, that deep rooted love shining back but now he also saw a deep sadness as she stood there looking at him as if she might not ever see him again. She reached out, tentatively, and her hesitation awakened worry and unease in him. She cupped his face, fingers stroking his cheek and he leaned down, pressing his forehead against hers. They both closed their eyes, his hearts racing in his chest from the sheer emotion he felt being so close to her.
"Oh, Doctor," she breathed sounding pained. Then her hand fell away and he glimpsed her blink tears away. He opened his mouth but no words managed to come out, not even her name. The unease he felt increased as he watched, half-fascinated, with the struggle within her.
"Goodbye, Doctor," she said softly and quietly that he barely heard her.
"River-" he began but she had already turned and started walking away. There was something in the way she walked, as if she was fighting not to turn around, that made panic, like a raging sea, rise inside him. Her goodbye rung in his ears. It sounded so final and it was not their usual way of parting. She hadn't suggested their next meeting and as she disappeared into the distance he felt suddenly nauseated. He knew why he felt as if his hearts were shattering when he saw her final anguished glance at him because he knew he had just lost her.
For a while it was as if she never existed. He had tried to search for her but after failed attempts he stopped looking and after Rory and Amy came on board again, she fell into the back corners of his mind. He found their presence and adventure-seeking hunger helped with the dull ache she had left in him. They travelled extensively throughout time and space and he began to feel like his older self once more.
"Right, in, in," he commanded Amy who was still gazing around forty-ninth century England. Rory tugged his wife's sleeve and with a sigh she hopped into the TARDIS, grumbling about them both spoiling her fun. The Doctor grinned, shaking his head and went to follow when he stopped short. All breath left him as, in the distance; she stood watching him with quiet and curious eyes. His heartbeats were erratic as they stood there far apart just staring. She was a shock on his senses after all this time. Waist-long blonde curls fluttered lightly in the gentle breeze. Hair he longed to tangle his fingers in… He didn't hear Amy call for him, only until she popped her head out about to say something then saw his attention was elsewhere.
"Doctor?" she frowned then looked to where he was looking. "Oh my God, is that-"
A small aircraft carrier suddenly flew down blocking their vision for a split second but when it moved she was gone. He felt his hearts plummet all over again and ignoring Amy, he pushed past her and into the safety of the TARDIS.
"What's wrong?" Rory asked seeing the Doctor stride up to the consoles and Amy's shocked expression. "What did I miss?"
Amy bounded up to the Doctor as he keyed in co-ordinates. "Was that her?"
"Who?" Rory scowled.
"River," Amy said, rolling her eyes as if it was obvious. "Why didn't she come and say hi? Have you two argued?"
"River?" Rory thought and then it dawned on him. "The blonde woman?"
"Yes," Amy replied then her brow creased in concern. "Doctor? What's wrong?"
The Doctor said nothing and when he made sure that the TARDIS was on the right track he walked past Amy and Rory and down the corridor, leading him into the depths of the TARDIS where he could think alone. Amy tried to follow but Rory signalled that the Doctor needed some space and grudgingly she sat down next to Rory waiting for the Doctor to re-emerge.
The Doctor slumped in a chair in the library and pressed his hands against his face, rubbing his temple hard. Images of her flashed behind his eyes and his body trembled from the strong surge of emotion he felt. Her eyes pierced right through him and he could still hear her voice, echoing like a ghost refusing to leave or stay silent.
She danced ahead of him, always a few steps in front but so close that he could almost feel her on his fingertips. Like he had once before. She appeared again and again, in the background, in the distance, watching, waiting and running. Running from him? He didn't understand but then again there was so very little he actually understood about River Song.
He was almost used to seeing her, in the corner of his eye, appear and then disappear. Once Amy tried to chase her but was also unsuccessful. He wasn't chasing her. He had in the beginning but now just left her to come and go as she pleased. There was nothing he could do otherwise.
It was like he was wandering in the dark, far ahead was the light, her, but he could never get close enough. He grew frustrated and began to take off on solitary travels hoping that she wouldn't appear. He, the Doctor, had never felt so lost and vulnerable in his lifetime and now he knew why humans spent so much time dedicating themselves to love – so that they could try and be spared from the pain it caused.
The air stirred beside him and his instinct recognised her. She stood silently at his side, gazing out at the scene he was watching intently. The vast blue sea, not so vast in comparison to space and all that he had seen, but vast for such a small planet. He swallowed to try and dislodge the thick knot he felt in his throat and his hearts began to race in his chest, a reaction she always caused. She turned to watch him after a second and he met her steady gaze. He felt his chest tighten – she was so beautiful with her solemn expression and penetrating eyes.
Her own heart sped up in a kind of relief to see his eyes soften as he took her in. All this time she had ached every time she had to stay away but now it seemed worth it. To see him look at her like that. She took his hand, sliding her fingers through his and took a step closer, bare feet sinking in the sand.
"I lost you," he murmured and he heard her softly sigh.
"And I found you."
They stared at one another raw emotions displayed clearly on their faces; love, anger, hurt, longing and hope. She moved into him, resting her head against his shoulder, squeezing his hand gently. He breathed her in and it was like a homecoming having her there. It came together just then but he still had to ask.
"I needed to see that you were just as lost in me as I am in you," she murmured against him. "You also needed to become accustom to feeling this, with all its intensity and wretchedness. It's not easy and you have to know that I will come and go. Just like you do."
She could feel his heartbeats thunder and with his free hand he encircled her waist, saying nothing but she didn't need him to. He knew then that, with all the inconsistency of their relationship, that the only constant thing would be this: the entwining and unmovable force driving them back together over and over just like the tide that came in and lapped gently at the shore.
A/N: Lyrics: Lost by Red. Comments are love!