"I love you,"
It was the first time you said it. By my locker, you completely caught me off guard, but you still said it. I just simply stared at you in awe for ten minutes, before you began yammering.
"You don't have to say anything back," you promised, as if that was the real problem "I just wanted to tell you. No pressure"
And you give me a hug, and walk away.
What the fuck?
No pressure? What the hell was that supposed to mean? Do you really think I don't love you? Do you really think that I don't I scream in my pillow every night, because I hold and guard my true feelings with my life?
Are you really that blind to never notice that I've loved you ever since the first grade?
Sadly, you are. You've never noticed me. You've never looked at me twice in your life, and here you go telling me you love me?
Even if it's true, what makes you think I'll love you back?
Most people are nervous when they tell someone this for the first time, but you said it as if it was so mundane. You spoke those three words as flimsily as possible. It came so easy to you, it came so easy for you to break my heart.
Was this some cruel joke?
There's a fifty percent chance that you gained a nasty drug habit over your little break from school, and is simply picking on poor little Kim Connweller, in exchange for drugs. Everyone knows those drug dealers just love seeing a girl's heart broken into a million tiny pieces.
Though this didn't seem likely, I never ruled the possibility that you were under the Imperious curse. Who knew, maybe you made a trip to London on your break and met a Death Eater who decided that they were bored and wanted to control a poor teenager into breaking a girls heart into a million tiny pieces.
Each and everyone of those situations involved your lack of choice, Jared. I feel like you didn't choose, and that bothers me. They were all very possible, though. Since logic failed to make sense anymore, anyway. You looking at me was beyond logical.
It's whatever though, you staring at me and talking to me has become normal. My heart doesn't beat as fast, my eyes don't blur as much and the wobble in my step is less visible by the days!
Despite the fact that I absolutely hate myself for loving you, I still managed a little self indignation and tell myself every day that you aren't worth my time.
Have you ever heard that you had to love yourself, before you ever love someone else? I guess that makes sense, Jared.
So it makes sense that me loving you, will in turn be hating myself. It'd be basically saying that I had to give up on my self-respect and freedom of choice for you to love me.
Jared. I can't do that...but at the same time, I'm all the more willing.
I think it's a little sad that I am able to sit with the fact and give up those rights for you. I think it's even more sad that I cry and scream in my pillow, everyday.
And what's even more sad, is the fact that my Imperious-curse theory was actually the closest guess to the correct answer..
A little HP for you Harry Potter fans! Can't wait for 11/19/10! Oh, and by the way, I may write only Twilight fics, but HP is and always will be ten times better than Twilight! Take that Meyer ;)