A/N: Hi All! This is a little outtake we wrote for the lovely sharkbellywhite. She bought us during FGB: Eclipse and asked that we give her a little glimpse into the past of Esme and Renee, so here ya go. This outtake takes place during Chapter 14, when Esme and Renee find out that their children are finally dating and it causes them to reminisce on their past.
We don't own the characters, we just like messing with their mommas!
I could hear Renee shout my name across the house, above the music and the voices that filled the Swan house as we celebrated Bella's return. Sensing something was wrong, I ran like the wind into the kitchen, where I found her standing by the window completely out of breath.
Renee was panting frantically, her arms waving around like a mad woman as she tried to compose herself without much luck.
"I just saw… Edward… Bella… crack…"
"Oh my god, you saw Edward and Bella doing crack? We need to get Charlie and Carlisle in here immediately."
Renee held her hands up, signaling for me not to leave and then she straightened her back and took a sip of her beer. "They were not doing crack, Esme. Where would kids even get crack in this town?"
"I don't know. They were in Seattle today. They could have been offered some by some guy at the airport?"
"I don't think there are guys hanging around just passing out crack, Es. Anyways, that's beside the point. I was at the sink about to wash something when I heard a crack outside. I looked outside and saw Bella and Edward kissing. Okay, it was more than a simple kiss, they were trying to eat each other's faces off, but you get the image."
"Oh. My. God." I was so excited that I couldn't help myself when I began jumping around in a circle with Renee, like we were doing some sort of cult ritual. We had both wanted our kids to find love together, and even though we may have pressured them a little bit and dropped hints left, right and center, we knew that they really were meant for each other. They were like peas and carrots, peanut butter and jelly and all that other sort of meant to be together crap.
Renee then began doing a little Irish jig, grabbing her skirt at the sides and lifting it slightly like she was in Riverdance or something, so I couldn't help myself as I broke into the Robot, the only dance I could remember at the time. When we finally got too tired of dancing, we both leaned back on the counter and finished our beers. There were no words spoken between us, but we could both sense what the other was thinking; 'it's about time.'
"I think we should talk to them, don't you?" Renee asked as I nodded my head slowly, a devious smile creeping on my face because I desperately wanted to know what was going on between them, particularly how long they had been dating. I knew Edward was depressed while she was gone, but could it be because they were already more than just best friends at that point? I was pulled from my thoughts as I heard Renee slide open the kitchen window. "Are you two lovebirds coming in any time soon?" Renee asked with a girlish giggle that clearly aggravated Edward. They both looked like they would be physically ill in her begonias. "There's probably some things we need to discuss right?" I had to fight back a laugh as Renee winked at Edward and he visibly clenched in fear.
"Umm, we're going to go for a walk. Yeah, a walk. It's such a lovely day, I would hate to waste it inside you know?" Edward said anxiously as his voice cracked.
"Edward, it's almost dark," I countered, but I could tell he didn't much care to speak to us right now.
"Sun is still shining for a few more minutes," he replied as he narrowed his eyes at me.
"Don't you two have something to announce to the party?" I asked sweetly, though I was sure there was a very conniving smile gracing my face at that moment. This was too good not to celebrate, and it made me wish I had more time to help Renee with the party, because I certainly wouldn't have gone with the redneck Americana theme she did.
"Nope," Bella declared stoically. "We're going for a walk. You can announce that to the party for us. Oh, and don't announce anything else either. I know where you women live," Bella said, her voice laced with irritation. Bella then grabbed Edward's hand and began pulling him down the street and away from us.
Of course, I couldn't just let them leave without one more playful jab at their newly discovered romance. "Don't do anything I wouldn't do," I shouted out as Renee clapped me on the back and then winked at me before she spoke.
"Edward," Renee shouted out louder than me, making sure the kids could still hear her. "Wrap your meat if you are going to do a little of the ol' in n' out."
We both collapsed onto a heap on the floor, tears streaming down our faces as we laughed about the situation. I couldn't speak for Renee, but I knew my tears were both from laughter and happiness. Edward deserved someone as special as Bella in his life and I was glad he finally had found her. I wasn't sure if it was the efforts that he made before she left for Europe or not, but I was glad they had managed to finally pull their heads of their asses.
"What's so funny?" asked Alice & Jasper as they walked into the kitchen a minute later claiming they needed something to drink.
"You're too young to know about it, honey," Renee said sweetly as she handed both of them a can of soda and they looked at her curiously. Renee then patted them both on the head and told them to head back to the party.
"We're not that young you know. Thanks to MTV and cable television, you would be shocked to know how much we already are aware of," said Jasper as my eyes grew wide.
"What exactly is it that you think you know, Jasper Whitlock?"
"Well, we don't know that much Mrs. Cullen, I promise." Alice tugged Jasper out of the room before he could make any more comments that would raise my suspicion.
"Oh take it easy Es, we just told our kids to be safe when having sex and little Jazzie makes a comment and you get all bent out of shape."
"Yeah, but Edward and Bella are older. I mean… I don't condone them having sex or anything, but I'm not stupid enough to think that they won't do it at some point." Renee reached into the fridge and grabbed me another beer before leading me out onto the back porch. Carlisle and Charlie were inside the house, chatting to all the guests, so I knew there was no harm in us spending a bit of time outside, away from our friends and family who had gathered.
"I hate to break it to you Esme, but those kids have already done it."
"How the hell do you know that? Bella was petrified to tell you when she got her period for the first time, so I know she didn't tell you about having sex with my son."
"I could just tell. It's like I have a sixth sense for this kind of thing."
"Charlie could use you on the force. You could sniff out the sex offenders in Forks."
"Oh give me a break, Charlie and I are the worst sex offenders of all in this town. The things that man did to me while Bella was away should have been illegal. Let me just say, it's worth it to be a police chiefs wife sometimes. The handcuffs alone make me all hot and bothered for him already." Renee had a faraway look in her eye and was smirking from ear to ear, which clearly meant that I didn't want to get any additional specifics from her. Mind you, Renee was never shy in telling me about her and Charlie's escapades, even when we were younger, but as time went on, I just didn't want to hear it.
"Back to the kids…"
"Oh… right. Anyways, I know my daughter and she might not tell me everything, but that girl has gotten laid recently. She has the same look I get after Charlie and I screw around like a couple of teenagers in his cruiser."
"You guys have done it in his cruiser?"
"Oh my god, yes! You have to be inventive when you have a child at home and thin walls. We've done it in like three different cruisers over the years and a paddy wagon."
"Do you have a cop fetish?"
"You have no idea, Esme. Charlie in uniform, his hat on, his gun on his side and his cuffs swinging in his fingers is one of the sexiest things ever. Don't tell me that you and Carlisle have never done it in his office."
"Well… no…" I was blushing deep red as I admitted this to Renee who looked shocked. Carlisle and I had a wonderful sex life, and I truly had no complaints, especially regarding his abilities in the bedroom. However, we just weren't as audacious as our best friends were. The most adventurous we got was when I would have him leave his stethoscope on, or come to bed in his full doctors gear. Now that was hot! "It's his place of work, Renee. He meets with patients and their families there, I just can't… no." I was shaking my head vehemently as she patted my shoulder and then pulled me in for a hug.
"Well, we can't all be sexual deviants like you and Charlie. Now, can we get back to talking about the kids?" Renee leaned back in her chair and took a long swig of her drink.
"Charlie and I are not deviants. It's not like we swing or anything like that, Es. Although, for the record, Mrs. Cope down on Wooden Lane has been known, on more than one occasion, to enjoy the company of more than one partner at a time."
"How the fuck do you know this shit?" I asked incredulously, my mind immediately wishing there was some sort of bleach around as I envisioned Mrs. Cope, who was in her mid fifties and on her third divorce, doing rather nasty things with who knows how many people.
"Charlie had to go over and bust her one night after her neighbor complained about the number of cars lining the street. He couldn't see into the room, but she was wearing a robe and he estimated there were like five other couples in the house based on the number of cars. Can you imagine Mrs. Cope having an orgy?"
"Just no… oh my god, no. Carlisle is her doctor for fucks sake. She made us fruitcake last Christmas and now… no. No more, Renee." I grabbed my beer from the table and finished it down, hoping the alcohol would erase the visuals swimming around in my head involving Mrs. Cope and other citizens of our small town.
"Anyways, I think our kids have good heads on their shoulders, so I don't expect anything to happen. I mean, I know Bella has protection, I bought it for her when she was like 16 and she's been on the pill ever since."
"Well, that's a bit of a relief."
"I can't see them doing anything stupid. I mean, they are going off to college, but they have always been good kids."
"I know. It's my god given right to worry about them. Even when they are married with kids of their own, god willing, I'll still worry. But for right now, we're way too young to be grandmothers."
"You forgot hot. We're also way too hot and sexy to be grandmothers."
"Who's hot?" Charlie asked as he strolled out onto the deck and winked at Renee, which immediately creeped me out.
"Esme and I are hot, of course. Do we need to cook more food? Is everything already gone?"
"Well, you did invite the McCarty kid and he can practically eat a bear in one sitting, so yeah, we are almost out. I was gonna put a few more burgers and dogs on, since the kids didn't eat. Speaking of which, where are they?" Renee and I looked at each other with wide smiles on our face as Charlie narrowed his eyes, instantly turning into his cop stance. When I looked back at Renee, she was salivating and speechless.
"They went for a walk together. I guess they had things to talk about."
"Hey Renee, a few of your guests want to leave, so you may wanna go see them out," said Carlisle as he walked out with his beer clutched in his hand. Renee got up and dragged Charlie with her into the house to bid goodnight to her guests as Carlisle came to sit beside me, his hand instantly going to my knee, which he stroked gently. He looked over at me and winked, and I suddenly found myself wishing we could take a ride in Charlie's cruiser, if only for a few minutes.
"So what am I missing?"
"Edward and Bella are together."
"It's about damn time. I gave that kid so much advice about pursuing her, it's a miracle he did anything. I was starting to think that nothing I said had sunk in." I couldn't help the laughter that bubbled out of my chest because I had also given Edward a ton of guidance regarding Bella because we had known for too long that he harbored feelings for her.
When Charlie and Renee came back out a few minutes later, Carlisle gave her a knowing look, letting her know that he was okay with the kids dating, and I broke into another giggle fit. "Oh come on, what the hell is going on?"
"Nothing is going on," I said simply as Renee quirked her eyebrow at me. "Oh, fine. I was just remembering when you and Charlie met, and how you were anxious about your parents finding out you were dating him."
"Yeah well, my dad didn't want me to date a ninja."
"I wasn't a damn ninja," Charlie declared before he took a bit gulp of his beer. "It's not my fault our security gear made me look like one." Renee and I both laughed as I remembered our adventurous journey years earlier.
"Oh my GOD, Renee! I lost a Lee Press-On Nail in his back hair. Back hair. My hands have been contaminated with back hair. Make it go away!" Esme started walking towards the open area right outside the lawn seats and I had to laugh. She reminded me of Lucy Van Pelt after Snoopy would kiss her. She's all dramatics and flailing, but I knew deep down inside that this had to happen.
I totally had a dream about it, too. We were in the Valley shopping and just as Esme reached for a completely awesome bunch of plastic bangles, they were snatched away at the last minute. Then suddenly we were transported to this in this giant maze, like a cornfield, but better. We were trying to find our way out when we were stopped just before we made it, by a ninja. It was that stealthy ninja who proceeded to inform me, while trying to kick my ass, that we wouldn't meet him… the man of my dreams.
Her fingernail was a total loss and I wasn't looking back. Now we were on the hunt for the prize, and this time, we would not fail. My horoscope was never wrong and when I read it in the paper this morning, I was floored: Beware of people wearing moustaches and door-to-door-salesmen. Your lucky numbers are: 251526252 and 52145874515. No mention of ninjas or disappointment, we were golden.
The day started out perfect enough. I woke up this morning right as the radio station was asking for the 17th caller and I won the Rick Springfield tickets I'd been obsessing over since his concert dates were announced months ago. I would have just bought them outright, but cash was a little tight since I had to pay damages to our apartment complex for an incident that I was legally not allowed to confirm nor deny.
Anyway, I knew it would be a good day when I won the tickets, but it got even better when I got to drive to the radio station to pick them up with my t-tops out and hair blowing in the breeze. I totally saw those guys checking me out as I drove past them on the highway. Hey, it made no difference to me that they were an inmate crew. If there was one thing I'd learned in my life, it was not to judge people on their past indiscretions. Again, I'm neither allowed to confirm nor deny.
After picking up the tickets, I drove straight back to the apartment, where Esme and I started getting our supplies together. Thankfully, we had everything we needed already because we didn't have time to be running all over Seattle trying to get glamorized for the concert. It took me a good fifteen minutes to put my new Jordache's on and help Esme in to her kickin' Sassoon's. Brooke Shields and her Calvin's had nothing on us.
"Hey, Essie… do you have a needle and thread? I want to sew a few doobs in my shirt for the concert. I'd put them in my pocket, but I'm honestly not sure I can sit down, much less put anything in my pocket." I walked down the hall towards her room, trying to bend my knees but not having much luck. I looked damn good, but I walked like the Bride of Frankenstein. I was relieved there wouldn't be much walking required once we got to our places on the lawn. Of course, that meant I probably wouldn't be able to sit down if I wanted to get up again. Once I was down, I was like a turtle on my back. Still, I looked good and that was what mattered. Especially if I was going to get on the tour bus.
And I was going to get on that bus.
Failure was not an option.
"Yeah. Look on my dresser behind the picture of me and Carlisle."
"Ugh. You two are just nauseatingly cute, you know that?" The picture was from the previous summer when Esme had gone to visit him in Chicago. They were at a Cubs game and it was obvious to me that the two of them were completely smitten with each other. Esme tried to deny it up and down and backwards, but the faint hint of a blush on her cheeks told me more than her words could ever deny.
"You're crazy, you know that. We're just really good friends who got matched up in a freshman level French class. We have a lot in common. That's all. He's going to med school in a few years and we'd probably never make it anyway. Besides, I've got my eyes on a totally different doctor."
Dr. Noah Drake.
Sure, he was a fictional character from the daytime drama General Hospital. Notice I didn't call it a soap opera because it was so much more than that and the luscious Rick Springfield played Dr. Drake. I may have even drooled thinking about him in his scrubs on TV.
I continued on into Esme's room and found the needle and thread easily. I started sewing the doobs loosely on the inside of my sparkly off the shoulder unicorn sweatshirt. One for me, one for Essie and one for Rick. Because, like I said, we were getting on that bus.
It was going to happen.
Once we were sufficiently dressed, fluffed, feathered and teased, we made sure that Esme was angled into the LeBaron so that she could drive without cutting off her circulation and then we were on our way. I was shocked because we had one pit stop to make on the way to concert and we still made it in record time to the venue. I grabbed the blanket out of the trunk, and then we both slipped on our sunglasses and made our way to the front gate.
"Don't forget to look for the…" I was nervous for some reason and that was not something I was used to feeling.
"Hush! Don't let them hear you. I know the plan. You only reminded me of it eighteen thousand times on the way over here." Esme had this sparkle in her eyes that let me know she was as excited as I was and I knew that the two of us were unstoppable.
"I can't help it. With our luck, you'd find the one access point that was being guarded by some chick on the wrestling team. I need boys, Essie… boys. They're easier to manipulate."
Once the gates opened, we made our way to the front of the lawn, side stepping people that had camped overnight, lucky fuckers, and somehow managed to flirt our way into sharing a space with a couple of dudes who were front and center. They had blankets all sprawled out across the lawn and were looking pretty off the chart in their Members Only jacket and shades. I whispered to Esme, "I think the blonde one has an earring," and she pinched me in excitement. This night definitely had potential.
While the jackets looked good, the guys obviously hadn't been prepared for the unseasonably warm weather, or had they? The one with the earring introduced himself as James and proceeded to reach inside the pocket of his jacket and pull out a bottle of baby oil.
Since I was busy fumbling inside my sweatshirt trying to free one of the joints, he asked Esme if she'd mind oiling up his back since he wanted to take full advantage of the sun. Always willing to help out a friend in need, especially if said friend had a dick, Esme obliged. He took off his jacket, pulled off the muscle shirt underneath and Jesus Christ it looked like he had a bear taped to his back.
I started choking on my beer and tried to look away but I couldn't. The look on Esme's face was priceless and I could literally see the wheels turning as she tried to come up with some scenario to keep from having to touch it. It was thick, black and curly and I swear to god it looked like he had pubes on his back. I wanted to wretch just looking at it. Well, he definitely wasn't a real blonde. Poor Esme.
I couldn't look at her. I couldn't face her. I couldn't talk to her, and yet I couldn't stop and turn away. It was like a train wreck and I wanted to not watch, but I couldn't help it. It was fantastically awful.
She squirted some of the baby oil on the tops of his shoulders and we watched as it ran down and just stopped as it hit the hair. Like it was a dam. A big, black, hideous hair dam. That shit was so impenetrable that even baby oil couldn't get through it. I heard Esme inhale sharply and mutter some sort of prayer. Then, like in slow motion, I saw her move in. I swear when she began to touch him her hands disappeared up to her wrists and a small child started crying a few blankets over.
"Rennie! Rennie!" She whispered over to me and I looked at her in panic. "I need more oil. I can feel the strands and I need more lubrication." I snorted and dumped more on the hair mat. She continued to try and rub it in until it looked like he had dreads on his back, but he was good to go.
It was then that I noticed it.
Esme was missing a fingernail. Her day glow pink nails were missing a friend and I had a moment of silence for their fallen comrade. The squeak that came from Esme let me know that she had noticed it and before things got worse, I grabbed her by the hand and tried to pull her to her feet so we could move.
Except I forgot that her hands were greasy, so when I started pulling her up, we ended up losing hold of each other and went in opposite directions. Thankfully, I managed to stand on my feet and when I went to try and pull her up again, I made a point of grabbing up by her elbow.
Anyway, now that we were free and clear of the man with the Muppet on his back, things were good. However, so much time had passed that there was no way we were getting close to the stage again and I refused to sit with the screaming thirty-something's. They were so embarrassing and reminded me of slightly younger version of my parents.
"Ok. Change in plans. We need to find a sink to wash your hands off. Obviously the line of porta-potties won't do. Surely we can find some poor schlep who will take pity on us right?" Esme just looked at me with unshed tears in her wide eyes. I was a little afraid that I was going to have to slap her to get her to snap out of it, but then thought better of it when I realized that maybe her trauma could work to our advantage.
Once we made it out to the concourse, I took a direct path to where the stage area started. There were a few people milling around looking all official in their security jackets and I eyeballed them on the sly, looking for their weak link.
Standing over in the corner, filing her nails was this girl with a Princess Diana cut and a look on her face that let me know that she'd rather be anywhere but where she was.
"Um, excuse me Miss?"
She looked up at me with a scowl on her face and it took every bit of restraint I had to not be a bitch, but I needed to play the victim and get past her.
"My friend here," I shoved Esme in her direction. "My friend here had an unfortunate run in with some back hair and I was wondering if there was a ladies room or something back there where we could get her cleaned up. She can't eat, drink or do anything until we get the oil off her hands." I grabbed her left hand and started to move it in front of, I looked at the name on her jacket pin, Tia, who immediately backed up with a look of absolute horror on her face.
"Look. I'm really, really not supposed to let anybody back there. I could lose my job." Yeah, because it looked like it meant a lot to you, Sweet Cheeks.
"Are you sure there isn't anything you can do to help us out? I mean, think about what this poor girl has gone through." I gave Esme a pointed look and she let out a whimper slash moan slash moo that expressed her desperation better than any words could ever do. "Look at her. Just look at her. She may never recover. The least you could do is let her get cleaned up and start her life over again."
I tried to hide back the laughter from my dramatics, but when I looked at my best friend, I noticed Esme's tears were legit. Taking her silence as permission, I whispered a quick thank you to Tia as I pulled Esme back past the chain link fence and closer to Rick.
Like I said earlier, I knew it would happen. It had been written.
While Esme was in the bathroom, I started looking around at all the behind the scenes activity taking place while the concert was getting started. Somewhere in all this chaos, Rick Springfield was preparing to take the stage.
I wondered if I could find him.
I wondered if he was alone.
I wondered if he was naked.
Then I had to lean against the wall for a minute because that concept was almost too much. Esme needed to hurry the hell up. I pushed open the door a bit to check on her, but before I could open my mouth, she came around the corner. She still looked a little pale, but I felt certain that she'd make a complete recovery.
"You do realize where we are, right?" I nudged her in the side as she looked around at all the chaos.
"Uh. Huh. And you know who else is backstage?"
A slow brilliant grin spread across her face and her eyes started to twinkle. "Dr. Noah Drake!" She started this high pitched keening sound and I quickly covered her mouth with my hand.
"Shhhhhhh! Don't draw any attention to us. I want to sneak down that hallway over there and see what I can find."
"Ooooh! Do you think he's over there? Do you think he's wearing scrubs?" Esme voice started to rise in pitch with every syllable and I was terrified she was going to get us caught before we'd even had a chance to start looking. I grabbed her by the hand, thankful that she was no longer greasy and started pulling her towards the hall. One day we were going to have a long talk about fiction versus reality and also about this doctor fetish of hers. She and Carlisle were just friends…. pshhhht.
The atmosphere became more refined and less industrial the farther we got down the passage way. The concrete floors were replaced by commercial carpet and then something slightly more luxurious. Suddenly, I heard male voices coming our way but before I could look for a place to hide, I felt a hand jerk me into a closet of some sort. It was pitch black and I hoped to god it was Esme. Who was I kidding, of course it was Esme. There wasn't anybody else it could have been yet I was still a little nervous. I swear, I watched too much Cagney and Lacey but I couldn't resist a good detective show.
"What?" she whispered back harshly.
After a few minutes, we cracked the door open a bit and once we saw that the coast was clear we continued on our way. I could hear our mission in every step.
Rick. Noah. Rick. Noah. Rick. Noah.
Seriously, Esme. Fiction versus reality. We were going to have a talk. Then suddenly all the clouds disappeared and birds started to sing and there were rainbows. I saw the giant silver star plastered on the front door and I could hear music coming from inside. He had to be in there.
"He's in there," Esme and I both whispered it at the same time and for the first time in my life, I felt nervous.
"Rick Springfield is…"
"Dr. Noah Drake," Esme added quickly. Really, the girl needed a healthy dose of reality or a few minutes alone with Carlisle, sooner rather than later.
"Anyway… he is in that room and on the count of three, we're going in. One… two… three." I started to turn the doorknob when suddenly I knew the gig was up.
"Freeze. Concert security. Step away from the door." I put on my best angelic expression and turned slowly around, hands up in the air. I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw that it was just Charles Swan behind me. He was dressed in tight black jeans and a t-shirt, looking pretty rad, I had to admit. When did he grow a 'stache? Still, my focus was on the prize. We'd be free and clear in minutes.
What I didn't expect was Esme to throw down the bottle of glitter, causing a flash cloud of sorts and bolt down the hallway. "Go! Go! Go!" Charlie grabbed me by the arm and yelled into his walkie talkie and out of nowhere more security guards emerged from the shadows. All dressed in black.
"I can't believe I'd never heard that story, Esme." Carlisle looked over to his wife with an expression that was both amusement and adoration. "You know, I think I have the scrubs I wore in med school." She started to giggle and whispered something in his ear that I didn't even want to think about.
"Just so you know Charlie, Esme was giving me a hard time about the handcuffs. Now she knows where it all started."
"Oh, I'll show you a hard time, Mrs. Swan." He growled at me and his moustache grazed my neck. I loved it when he got all authoritative on me.
"I look forward to it. Now, let's go get these people out of our house. "