WARNING: CRACKCRACKCRACK CRACK CRACK KRAKEN CRIKEN C'THUN C'THULU CARBOHYDRATES.
Seriously though this is super cracky. Leave if you value your sanity.
Of Exploding Hopes and Invisible Fourth Walls
The first things I noticed when I got to America's House were the red spatters all across his face, hair, and clothes and the screams of mirth coming from the backyard.
"I thought you weren't interested, Arty," said America slyly with an unusual smirk marring his features, slinging an arm around my shoulders and leading me to the back of the house.
I scoffed, but didn't shrug the arm off.
He laughed, then suddenly turned and asked seriously, "do you want any peanuts, sir?"
Lo and behold, he offered me a peanut bag seemingly pulled from hammerspace.
"I'm not that old! And where in the bloody Hell did you get peanuts from?"
I thought I heard something like, "understood, sir, sorry, sir," before America's voice drowned it out with, "I get my peanuts from all sorts of places, Iggy," then he winked at me.
What the HELL?
I blushed furiously at the implications, and only managed to get out a, "don't call me that, tosser," before we rounded the house (finally, bloody huge house).
Blood, blood everywhere.
My eyes widened, and I halted immediately, which pulled America back as well who froze and looked at me in concern.
I was fixated on the blood splotches all over the lawn though.
Not only that, but there were bunnies scampering around all over the place, fenced in by foot-high spiked steel fences. And was that... SEALAND? COVERED IN BLOOD AND PRANCING AROUND WHILE LAUGHING? WHAT IN THE...
"What's wrong, Arty?" he queried slowly, a slight crease in his brow.
"What's wrong, what's wrong?" I reiterated, my voice rising in pitch as I bordered on hysterical. "THERE IS BLOOD ALL OVER YOUR BACKYARD AND YOU'RE BLOODY ASKING ME WHAT'S WRONG WHAT IN THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU FUCKING TEACHING SEALAND, YOU TOSSER. HE IS COVERED IN BLOOD and oh my Lord there is so much blood..."
I felt a bit light-headed from the yelling and the squeamishness and I felt the need to sit down.
America, meanwhile, looked downright insulted by my lack of enthusiasm. "You just sit and watch, Arty," he stated, marching off to the fence and jumping it easily, leaving me wobbling and queasy in the space he'd just vacated. "This is the funniest thing you'll ever witness!"
Watch I did as he began chasing an adorable brown baby bunny around, and despite all the bloody patches on the lawn, I began to get distracted by nostalgia. Which, considering the situation, was really random and unbelievable but whatever let me have my moment (plus the author has no other way to connect the two).
"AHHHH!" screeched Sealand, skidding to a halt and pointing at one of the walls in the elaborate octagon of fencing, "THE FOURTH WALL HAS FALLEN!"
Meanwhile, I daydreamed because the author says so (and the fallen fence proceeded to explode graphically, spewing blood and guts all over the place. Not that it really mattered, the ground was already covered in blood anyway).
Oh, how I recalled the days of old where America and I would frolic through the flowers of youth and hold hands and kiss like lovers even though he looked five at the time.
Oh, the good old days.
But WE used to chase bunnies in jolly good fun! He remembers our moments of happiness before that wretched Revolution!
Could it be a sign that he wants to be one again? I dare say, it could be!
I shall name the bunny he is chasing 'Hope,' for my newly discovered hope in the reformation of the United States of the United Kingdom! USUK! YEAH!
I watched in joy as the bunny pranced frantically away from the American in hot pursuit, who was smiling and laughing just like he used to as a child. His fingers grazed the fluffy tail at times, and he almost managed to catch him once, twice, thrice, FRICE.
Then I stood up and cantered unsteadily over to the fence, ready to discuss this whole USUK concept with America as he ran past my side of the fence once more, but just as he was about to- BOOM!
No, literally, exploded.
Her guts and blood drenched my coat, face, and hair.
"H...Hope?" I stuttered hopelessly (pun intended cuz the author's a sick fuck).
America laughed like a clinically insane person before he asked me if I be "trippin' balls, yo. Fo shizzle my nizzle fo rizzle-dizzle."
Then Sealand, the blood-drenched wonder, jogged over and screamed "BITCH BE TRIPPING BALLS."
Then I woke up and ran to the airplane's disgusting toilet to throw up.
I swore to never eat Spanish jalapenos before a flight to America ever again.
So in Spanish today we talked about exploding bunnies because apparently if you chase a bunny for long enough its heart explodes and some guy was like WAIT DO YOU MEAN THE WHOLE BUNNY EXPLODES and it was funny or maybe our senses of humor are SICK. Whateva.
We also talked about babies falling from buildings.
This is what I learn in Spanish daily.
THANKS FOR READING THIS CRACK. IF YOU MADE IT TO THE END CONGRATULATIONS IF YOU DIDN'T YOU SUCK JK I ENVY YOU FOR LEAVING BECAUSE THIS WAS CRACKY CRAP AND I DON'T EVEN.