Post Ep 1-11: All the Way

Sooo sad that Thom is dead…

Cold. I'm just so cold. I haven't felt warm since… it happened. Since I killed Thom. It hurts just to think it. I feel like the bullet hit my heart. Some part of me did die with Thom. I hate how cliché that sounds, but it's true.

I wish it could have been different. I wish I could have at least told Thom the truth. I wish I'd told him how much he meant to me. I wish… I wish so damn many things. Most of all I wish Thom was still alive.

Amanda's noticed that I'm… reacting. She puts it down to me having to kill a friend. She told me that I can 'talk to her'. The only one I want to talk to is the only one I can never talk to again. Thom. I want to at least explain. I hate that he died not knowing the truth. I hate that he died.

My trainers have noticed how focused I am. How hard I go at any punching bag or opponent. They assume I'm picturing, Thom – the traitor. I'm picturing the traitor, but it's not Thom – never Thom. It's me. I'm the one I picture when I throw punches or take an opponent down hard.

I wanted Division gone before. Now even more so. It's because of his naïve loyalty to them that Thom and I got in the fight. I don't blame him for that loyalty. I blame them for deceiving him, and accepting a loyalty they never deserved. I blame myself for not making him see the truth. But I thought I was protecting him. That it would be safer if he kept believing Division's lies. How naïve I was. In the end, it wasn't Division he needed protection from. It was me…

Another shiver wracks me. Cold. So cold. So different from the heat that I felt when Thom held or kissed me. I'm not sure I'll ever be warm again.