Disclaimer: If I were creator of Happy Tree Friends I would be kinder.
Chapter One: Soccer shocker
Cheers rang out across Happy Tree Park as, evidently, another goal was scored. Cuddles jogged back to his own side, high-fiving his best friend, Toothy, and winking at Sniffles, the unfortunate captain of the other team. Sniffles just didn't stand a chance. He didn't have any good sports players except for Flippy and Russel, and soccer wasn't exactly Russel's game, as his legs often fell off. Toothy grinned brightly at Cuddles and motioned to go on the attack.
"Pass it to me," he whispered, "then I'll pass it through Lammy's legs and set you up for a hat trick!" Cuddles grinned back at Toothy, tackling Russel (and knocking off his legs again) and doing exactly what his friend had suggested. Life in Happy Tree Town was, for the most part, as optimistic as its name suggested.
Except for one girl. She was sitting over by Lumpy, preparing sandwiches for the other kids for when they finished their game. She didn't want to be here. It wasn't just the soccer match, it was Happy Tree Town in general. She had already been horribly injured three times this week and, although the injuries had healed and the limbs had grown back. She was still missing half a finger, had bags under her eyes, and her spines were covered in bits of stress caused dandruff. Flaky looked over at the khaki clad bear by the goals. She gave a groan, Flippy was a good friend and, in the years she had known him, he had been wounded on the occasion, but rarely ever killed. Flippy was a survivor, and Flaky, though scared witless of him, always felt a little jealous when ever she was near him. She wished she could be like him, a brave soldier, rather than the cowardly ball of fluff and dandruff that she was. Flaky was bought back to reality by Lumpy, who, tapping on her shoulder, nearly scared her out of her skin.
"Err, are you OK Flaky?" he smiled.
"Y-yes, yes, I'm fine." Flaky smiled, giggling nervously, before staring miserably down at her sandwich. She sighed again. Why did life have to be like this? Any other people, any other time, people would be shocked and terrified by what happened, as afraid of everything as she was. But here, people just seemed to accept it.
And then it happened.
Cuddles kicked the ball and missed. The ball whizzed past Flippy, ricocheting off the goalpost with a clang and hitting the aforementioned bear hard in the face, giving him a nosebleed. The bear smiled cheerily and held his handkerchief up to his nose, before looking down at its contents and recoiling. Deep inside of him, something clicked and memories of dying comrades surged back to him. He fell in a heap, covering his face with his hands and whimpering slightly, in a desperate attempt to keep the voices out.
"F-F-Flippy..." Sniffles stammered, taking a cautious step towards him, "are you O-gurk..." Sniffles stumbled backwards his sentence cut as short as his long tongue had been.
"Yeah. I'm OK." In an instance, Flippy was on his feet, grabbing the dismembered body part and shoving it down its owners defenseless throat, before tying it to the end of his snout with a neat bow. The other Tree friends gasped as Flippy kicked Sniffles now lifeless body over, and rounded on Toothy, who he knocked to the floor with a kick that could, and did, break bones, and fell upon him, bowie knife in hand. The result was not pretty.
Cuddles gasped, turning away form Flippy and running into the bushes. He didn't know where he was going, but anywhere was better than here. Stumbling through bracken and pushing passed trees, Cuddles ran. Falling and tripping, toppling to the ground before pulling himself up and carrying on. He ran and ran until the trees stopped, and there was no where else to run. Looking up he saw a mountain stretching out in front of him and, directly in front of his face was a jagged walled cave. It's walls were stained with blood and gore and a giant face leered out from inside. It was an idol, a large one too, about twice the size of Cuddles and carved into the very mountain. It's monkey like features were contorted in a horrific growl and both its hands gripped a savage black spear. Cuddles' throat ran dry, he wanted to run away, but that was out of the question. Shaking, his body inched forward. Cuddles looked at his feet, they had just moved on their own, completely free of his command. He gave a whine urging them frantically to stop, to run from the idol, but they weren't listening. The world went hazy in front of his eyes and he fell to his knees, the strangely alluring idol seemed even closer than before, and still he was crawling towards it. He felt tears run down his face and suddenly he felt like he was about to die. Not the quick, short-term, back next episode deaths he always had, but really, properly, no-coming back death. He tried to speak but, as he did, his mouth filled with blood. And then everything went black.
Next Flippy headed towards Russel's legless form and began splitting Russel into his component body parts, (which consisted of two arms, a body and a head). Flaky covered her eyes as Flippy strangled Giggles and ripped Lumpy in half, with the help of a nearby tree. She started to cry, she had to stop him. Hand quivering, she reached for the carving knife that Lumpy had been using to cut tomatoes. She gulped, she had to stop this rampage, all by herself. Alone. Just like she always was. It wasn't like Flippy would die, she reminded herself, not forever. Clutching the blade firmly in her hands she charged Flippy and was just about to run him through, when she felt a sharp pain in her leg. She tripped and fell backwards, landing straight on the corpse of Giggles. Flippy grinned savagely, wresting the knife from her hands and shoving it into her arm.
"W-why are you d-d-doing this F-Flippy?" Flaky gasped, "W-why do you always have to be like this?"
Flippy laughed "What can I say. Love hurts!" With those words he pushed his hand down her throat and, after a few twists of his hand, pulled her heart out of her body. He winced, as pain shot straight through his body and his small green eyes grew back into large, pacman shaped eyes. Flippy stared around at the devastation, and then down at Flaky, and he saw the light disappear from her eyes.
"What have I done..." Flippy whispered.
Far away from the carnage in the park, Petunia's door bell rang. Hurriedly cleaning the last speck of dust off of her table and fixing her namesake flower back into her hair, the obsessive skunk ran to answer the door. They were early, that was bad. And the house was still such a tip. And tips were bad because everything had to be clean, always clean, clean as a whistle, not a speck of dust. Clean, clean, clean. That was all Petunia ever thought about, hygiene, cleanliness and soda. Finally getting to the door, Petunia threw it wide, revealing her guests.
Mime, silent as ever was leaning, as if on a table, in front of her, a small balloon modeled into the shape of a flower. He reached inside his striped shirt and pulled out an impeccably balloon modeled box of chocolates, which he handed to her. Petunia blushed, and was just about to say something when she heard a voice from behind the deer.
"Hey Baby!" Disco Bear drawled, shoving the smaller Mime easily out of the way and giving his signature suave smirk, "real swingin' place ya got here. Mind if I, take a look around?" Petunia rolled her eyes. That was the problem with inviting the Happy Homeowners society to your house, you got him.
Resting on the wall next to the door, just out of sight, Handy frowned. God he hated Mondays. It wasn't just the fact that he was missing his freaking hands, it wasn't even the fact that he was in the same freaking club as these idiots. He had become bitter. It wasn't easy to lose your hands. It was even less easy to become the butt of every hand related joke this side of the universe. No, it was the fact that those two freaking idiots were fawning over Petunia. Yeah- that's right- he liked Petunia, big deal, whoop-de-doo, put a freaking sock in it. Funny thing was, he didn't even know how old she was. She could've been twelve, she could've been seventy. People aged really slowly in Happy Tree Town, he himself had been there for years and had only aged two years, give or take. And the most galling thing was, he knew why that was, why his hands didn't grow back, and he was responsible for it. He turned to Petunia, putting on his most convincing smile.
"Hey, Petunia," he smiled, "how ya doin'." He pushed passed Mime and Disco Bear, glaring daggers at both as he did so. Mime smiled optimistically back at him as he came in. Freakin' kid didn't know when he was being hated.
Petunia rushed after them, brushing mud off their feet and cleaning up Nutty's drool as they came in, all while apologizing for the mess. Pop smiled slightly, placing Cub on the table and taking a bottle of baby mush and handing it over to him. He looked around him at the spotless house, and began to smoke his pipe.
"Lovely place you got here," he said, re-adjusting his hat and closing his eyes, "I remember back when I was a lad, kids like us didn't have anything. Born on a farm don't you know, roof made 'a straw. In the summer it was too hot, winter too cold, but, heck, we had good times..." he trailed off, lost in his memories. Petunia rubbed the back of her head as she placed a tray of immaculately polished cookies on the table, each stacked in fives and with little name tags pegged onto them.
"Errm, thanks, Handy built it all by himself." She smiled over at the beaver. Handy grinned:
"Yeah well, you may think they're good, but you shoulda seen what this stuff used t' look like before I lost my hands." Handy smiled at Petunia, raising one eyebrow, and was just about to make some comment along the lines of 'wow you look lovely' when Petunia screamed, rushing out of the room with a paper bag over her face. Handy scowled. Cub had been throwing his food. Next to him, the mild mannered Knutt Ahiro, investigative reporter for the Daily Acorn, rose to his feet and walked, or rather hovered after her. Handy scowled again, casting his mind away from the weird blue squirrel and instead towards bigger problems. Namely Disco Bear and Mime. He grinned forcedly over at the two, glancing towards the tray of biscuits.
"Ya know," Handy drawled, catching the attention of the orange afroed bear. "Petunia really hates mess."
"Ohhh yeah?" Disco Bear grinned back, a similar malevolent glint in his eye, "DB bets that whoever knocked that tray of biscuits off the table would be sooo dead." He lent heavily on the table.
"Yeah," Handy grinned, leaning down to Disco Bear's level and placing his hand stub on the tray of biscuits. "An' whoever stopped 'em from hitting the ground would be in Petunia's good books, for life." Mime stared quizzically at the two, unable to hear them on account of being deaf, before realizing what they were planning, and covering his mouth with his hands. In the background Pop continued to regale an enthralled Cub with tales of his childhood, and Nutty had begun to eat the curtains, which had candy shaped tassels on them. Disco Bear grinned self-confidently, his eyes locking with Handy's, engaging in a battle, a staring contest. A mental struggle between two men whose combined mental powers were too puny to fight their way out of a matchbox. He placed one hand on a stack of cookies, Handy's, pushing his face up close to Handy, who glared back. Everyone knew that, to Petunia, the label system was infallible. If Handy's cookie fell, then Handy must have done it.
"Just one flick," Disco Bear grinned, "and your chances with Petunia are in the fire." Handy growled, exposing teeth, as he placed his stub of an arm on the pile, forcing the bear's hand to stay where it was.
"Just you try it. Jerk." He forced a smile, pushing his face closer to Disco Bear's in the classic, staring contest intimidation technique.
It was just then that Petunia chose to re-enter the living room, Portable Hoover in hand. The Hoover dropped to the floor as she took in the scene in front of her. To put it politely Handy and Disco Bear were both leaning heavily on the table, staring into each other's eyes. They were uncomfortably close. And their 'hands' were touching. Petunia gasped, Cub face-palmed and Mime, by now rather stressed out by the whole day, took an imaginary gun from his sleeve and mimed shooting himself in the head, collapsing in an all too realistic stupor. The skunk gave a little squeak, which caused both men to look up, tip the tray, bang their heads together and fall over the table and onto the floor. The cookies went flying, breaking into a million pieces and scattering all over Petunia's recently, and thoroughly, washed carpet. It was, all in all, a thoroughly awkward moment.
"P-P-Petunia!" Handy gasped, struggling to pull himself up, without the use of his hands.
"Ohh, I think I'm gonna be sick," Petunia mumbled. She stumbled backwards, landing awkwardly in the arms of Knutt, who had somehow appeared behind her in under a second, having been in the kitchen the entire time.
"Look Petunia it's not what you think," Handy took a step forwards, which was good, because it stopped him from being crushed by the large amount of masonry and yellow rabbit in pink bunny slippers, that fell through the ceiling at that exact moment, crushing Disco Bear to death. Cuddles landed, head lolling to one side, right in the middle of the destruction. Following him and, at an even more dangerous speed, came Flippy, fully armed and sporting a pair of rather fetching sunglasses. He landed perfectly, crushing Cub to a paste before spinning on his heels, catching Nutty with his fist and breaking the squirrel's neck. In the doorway, Knutt grinned.
"Finally," Knutt whispered, dropping Petunia carelessly to the ground. "I get to fight Flippy! Err, I mean, I gotta go to the can." He zoomed out, ignoring the puzzled looks of the other guests.
"Wow that mole was easy to kill," Flippy grinned, readjusting his new shades, before catching sight of his reflection in the mirror, and wincing, "Well it ain't my fault if yer scared of a little blood... coward... I don't give a rat's ass how ya feel about that girl, yer in the army, live with it... Oh will you quit that sniffling," he roared at his invisible enemy, "yer depressing me." He stepped over Nutty's quivering form and rounded on Cuddles.
"Get up," Flippy growled, "They ain't no fun when I can't see the light leave their eyes." He reached over to Pop, who was still grieving his son's death, and dragged the morose man over to Cuddles body. "I found this kid down by the caves." he grinned maliciously, "So, it figures that you know how to wake him up." He threw Pop onto his knees, kicking him hard in the butt for good luck. "DO IT!"
It didn't take long for Handy to act, he grabbed Petunia by the wrist. Or rather, he would have done, had he any hands. Growling and cursing his forgetfulness, Handy instead shoved Petunia in front of him, trying to get her as close to the door and as far from these lunatics as possible.
At exactly the same instance, Pop spun around, pipe in hand, as well as one of Nutty's candy bars that, despite being dead, the squirrel had been somewhat unhappy to give up. He gave a growl and, in a short lived burst of violence, jabbing Flippy in the stomach with the pipe, ramming the sticky candy into Flippy's fur along with it. Flippy growled as Pop pulled back the candy, ripping out a large chunk of fur, and a small patch of skin. Flippy gave a great shout, spinning his Bowie knife and shoving it into Pop's windpipe, Pop's eyes rolled back, and he collapsed on the floor. Flippy left the blade in, handle quivering.
"Goddamn freak," Flippy growled, pulling the pipe out of his stomach touching his new injury testily.
"What are you laughing at, coward?" He turned around, smashing the mirror with his fist as he ranted at his reflection. In an instant he had turned back to his normal self. He shook his head, wiped the tears from his eyes and left the building, saddened by what he had done. A few minutes later, Cuddles woke up. He breathed a sigh of relief, and was just about to get up, when the roof caved in, crushing him to death. At the same time Petunia had just opened the door, and was about to leave the building, when it collapsed upon her, splitting her in half.
"Oh great," Petunia groaned, glaring up at Handy, who had escaped just before her, "Now, when I come back to life, I'll have so much cleaning up to do." Then she died. Handy grimaced, looking down at her sadly. Great, he thought, now I have to go to the hospital.
It was at that exact moment, that Splendid, the flying squirrel, flew in.
"Never fear," he shouted, "Splendid is... Dammit, just missed him!"
A/N: This is infact not the end. It is instead simply the start of a longer story. So don't go anywhere.