Summary: The daily routine of the Vongola with all the insanity included. Crackfic.
Pairing(s): Vague 8059, D18 and kinda 6927 I guess. Pairings are not the focus, though.
Warning(s): Insanity ahead. Read at your own risk.
Disclaimer: I do not in any way own Katekyo Hitman Reborn or any of its characters and contents. Concerning original characters/content: Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
The first thing that Sawada Tsunayoshi was forced to face after waking up from a rather satisfactory dream about Kyoko's smile and similar sugar-crusted things was the fact that his feet just landed in a pool of Lambo's piss. It is still unknown whether that was his still mostly dormant hyper intuition speaking, but as he cursed under his breath so silently he couldn't even hear himself, he sighed in resignation and announced: "Today's gonna be a long day."
In the meantime, another tenth generation mafia boss was leaving the soothing comfort of his fluffy bed, however, not quite as gracefully. His feet did not land in a pool of piss, but that was rather due to the fact that they didn't land at all – at the moment, the feet of Dino Cavallone were dangling high above him in the air, causing his spine to crack ominously as he tried to adjust himself into a position he could actually stand up from. After being gently awoken by the sound of Hibird's chirping – his owner had sent the fluffy yellow bird to remind the clumsy and sometimes rather forgetful boss that they had an appointment today and he better be ready – he had attempted to get up from the bed smoothly, with the eloquent suave movement that his limbs were naturally accustomed to whenever company. But of course, he had not taken into account the obvious lack of his subordinates around him (since at the time, he himself was still not aware of the source of his ability to overcome his natural clumsiness), and tumbled down the floor spectacularly, landing with his cheek against the cold lacquered wood, his body bent backwards and his legs propped into air high above his head.
After such a warm welcome from the floor he was all too well acquainted with, Dino was pretty sure it wasn't his lucky day. In a manner rather similar to his Vongola counterpart, he let out an exasperated sigh, accompanied by muttering about today being a long day.
It wasn't until then that it finally hit him what day it was; he smacked his forehead in realisation, causing himself to trip backwards, pulling the unsuspecting lamp from his bedside table and shattering it to pieces – that was the fourth one this month already. Nothing good ever came out of the Cavallone being in a rush, and numerous incidents on his way to the airport were facts that spoke for themselves.
Tsuna had hoped to get to school on time for once; he got up early enough, and despite having to clean up after Lambo, he still had plenty of time to get to school. The reason behind his eagerness to get to school early was rather transparent; yesterday, Kyoko had suggested that they do some morning revision before handing in the project the two of them and Hana had been working on for the last week. Thus, being in a rush to get to school as early as possible in order to spend as much time as possible with the girl of his dreams, he did not notice that Lambo had somewhere during breakfast decided Tsuna's bag was a nice hideout, and ran off to school with the child in his backpack – well, to be honest, he did notice the additional weight, but Reborn quickly reassured him that were merely the steel plates he had inserted into his backpack to help him train.
Miraculously, he hadn't met any of his guardians on his way to school; under normal circumstances, the tenth generation Vongola boss would be dead worried about his right-hand man with a stalker disposition, had he not beamed at him the moment he set foot out of his home. But today, he merely dismissed the thought, and rather focused at his own futile romantic attempts as Hana glared at him over the desk, her murderous aura consuming the merry atmosphere Kyoko was trying to create.
The morning meeting and last-minute revision went surprisingly well; despite the fact that his head was somewhere up among the clouds, Tsuna managed not to do or say something idiotic or embarrassing, which he considered a fairly impressive achievement, given that he was under constant pressure of Kurokawa's piercing gaze. Meanwhile, Lambo was taking a nap in his bag, snuggled comfortably in his P.E. clothes.
The time ran all too fast for Tsuna, and it felt like seconds until the first bell rang, announcing five minutes' time till class starts, summoning the last late students to gather in their respective classrooms and prepare for the beginning of the educational process. He resumed his position behind his desk, and let his gaze roam across the classroom. Neither Gokudera nor Yamamoto were there yet, and while it was rather normal for the three of them together to be late, at times when they left for school independently, they generally arrived on time or even early – so why weren't they here yet? Could they perhaps be waiting in front of his house even though he told them yesterday he'll leave early and won't accompany them on their way to school?
His doubts dispersed as the two guardians around whom his current worries revolved appeared on the classroom doorstep, both panting heavily and gasping for air. Yamamoto calmed down faster than Gokudera could; one of the reasons was his athletic form gained from baseball and ruthless stamina training he had undergone during the time in the future, and another reason why Gokudera could not beat him to it was that he kept spitting insults and curses, blaming the baseball ace for their tardiness in every other half-coherent sentence.
Tsuna wasn't the first one to notice something was off with his two friends, but he was the first one to point it out, since anyone else merely trembled in fear under the intimidating gaze the emerald eyes of the genius delinquent, and scurried away like a frightened kitten.
"Ano... why is Gokudera-kun wearing Yamamoto's and Yamamoto wearing Gokudera-kun's shirt?"
Everything went silent, and it was like the time froze as Gokudera slowly slowly very slowly and cautiously dropped his gaze to the fabric of the shirt he was wearing, and then to the one the teen next to him bore. The next thing they knew, a fairly upset and impressively crimson-cheeked silverette was literally on top of a certain baseball player, landing a punch after punch on him (no one failed to notice the half-hearted punches weren't strong enough to even crush a bug yet no one dared to express that loudly) while a steady flow of Italian curses flowed out of his mouth.
The matter could have been settled with a bit of effort, if it wasn't for a certain silence-peace-and-discipline-loving prefect that chose exactly that moment to stroll past the door.
Ah, no, let's just be honest. A certain Hibari Kyouya knew damn well that the combination of Sawada Tsunayoshi, Gokudera Hayato and Yamamoto Takeshi ensured by far the largest possibility of someone breaking the school rules and even came with a chance of alongside providing him amusement. No, it wasn't a coincidence he found himself strolling the hallway past their classroom rather frequently; and it most certainly wasn't a coincidence this was his first destination whenever his ears caught suspicious sounds.
"Gokudera Hayato and Yamamoto Takeshi."
A dramatic pause to let them absorb the impression of the fearsome school prefect.
"You are currently in breach of six school rules and regulations. Cross-dressing, encouraging suggestive ideas, disrupting the educational process, yelling in the classroom during lessons, fighting on school grounds, being in a suggestive position.
And, on top of it all, you are crowding.
As the president of the Disciplinary Committee, I will now declare your punish–"
Two voices interrupted the prefect, and it was hard to tell which one of them was more cheerful.
"Tsuna-kun! Haru will be your classmate starting today! Haru transferred to Nami-chuu just to be with her future husband...! Aren't you happy, Tsuna-kun?"
For the sake of his sanity, Hibari Kyouya decided to ignore the woman until further notice; even what he had heard until now was already enough for a headache to start pulsing in his temples. He suspected listening to his worthless self-proclaimed tutor would do him the same, but that was inevitable; the damn grinning idiot was so persistent, it was less troublesome to just give in and listen to why had he come to bother him at school.
If at least he'd stop saying his name so shamelessly and without any respect whatsoever.
"Ne, Kyouya, look here!"
Figuring it would be easier to just comply, the addressed turned around – he can always bite the annoying blonde to death later.
However, what he saw made him want to kill kill bite to death kill RIGHT NOW.
Next to the widely-beaming Cavallone boss was a brown-haired young man of approximately the same height, with suspiciously similar features and a perfectly identical idiotic grin spread over his face.
"I wanted you to be the first one I introduced him to. This... is my half-brother from Poland, Slivovitz."*
The tenth generation Cavallone boss paused a bit, and shuffled nervously as he noticed his student growing more and more pale, and watched murderous intent flare within the steel-silver irises. He even attempted a joke to relieve the tension, all the while grinning widely and convincing himself it's gonna be fine, it's gonna be fine.
"See, we have the same father, but different mothers. It's like, he's my brother from another mother."
And Hibari's jaw would have dropped to the ground had he any less self-control; hearing the Cavallone attempting to half-rap a rhyming sentence was not something a reasonable person could take without suffering extensive brain damage.
"Yo – AAAGGGHHHRR!"
That was the last drop. The Cavallone actually adding a "yo", making a move like the ones he saw in some obscure rap videos when he was somewhere around eight, and falling nose-first to the ground right after, with his legs dangling above him ominously (the blonde had a sense of déjà vu here, his current position astonishingly resembled today's morning routine) – Hibari was quite ready to bite him to death here and now.
He would have most likely done so, had he not been interrupted (again! he had been interrupted way to many times this morning only) by two ear-piercing shrieks of exactly opposite intonation.
Both were reactions to the same event; that was an unsuspecting and a tad drowsy Lambo climbing out of Tsuna's bag. The voices belonged to Haru and Kurokawa respectively, the first one filled with joy and thrill upon seeing a cute little baby, and the second scream of utter horror.
Lambo eyed the two women; the stupid woman that kept dressing as some monster and harassing him on his right, and shi-shi-baba on his left. He might not have been the sharpest tool in the shed in kindergarten, but he rapidly calculated his options and the possibility of surviving a head-on snuggling attack of Haru, and ran to the left.
The result was rather humorous; Hana, frightened by the sudden onslaught of her eternal nemesis, a child, ran while shooing the child away, Lambo followed her not exactly knowing why, but it was fine as long as he was getting away from the insane woman, and Haru followed closely, chasing after Lambo with her arms spread wide.
Just as Hibari removed his gaze from the insanely running trio, making a mental note to bite them to death later, and attempted to proceed with biting to death his current victim, his ears caught an ominous sound.
Before him, the tiny young girl with a big – and now tattooed? – forehead stood, accompanied by a fragile-looking elementary-schooler and a fuchsia-haired young woman. His gaze focused on the tiny child as the older woman explained they have come looking for Lambo, for somehow, the blushing child seemed to be the source of the intriguing sound, and the tattoo on her head that resembled mah-jong tiles changed every time the sound was emitted.
"Hiiiiiiiiii! The Pinzu time bomb!" –and with that, the mindless passing around of the innocent Chinese began, everyone throwing her on to the next victim in fear of the garlic-based explosion. Since a certain baseball player was still pinned down under the furious Gokudera (or more likely pretending-to-be-furious-and-only-really-really-embarrassed Gokudera), there was no one to actually throw the explosive child out of the window, so they just kept passing her on.
Meanwhile, the crazy run of Hana, Lambo and Haru ended, since a child's legs were still no match for a middle-schooler, and Haru now snuggled Lambo victoriously. The latter was already on the verge of tears, and the fact that he was caught and harassed by Haru didn't help either.
"Gotta ...hold it... in..."
The child was shaking violently, trying to suppress the overwhelming urge to cry out his eyes with fear of the baby-loving teen that had him in her grasp now.
Haru, naturally, wouldn't let go of the child just because he was crying; moreover, this only stimulated her to snuggle and tickle poor Lambo in a futile attempt to calm him down, never even considering for a moment that she was the source of his distress.
All of these distractions gave the Cavallone enough time to stand up and attempt to at least defend himself against the oncoming attack of the Nami-chuu school prefect that seemed rather determined to bite him to death. Unfortunately, none of his subordinates were around, and even though his half-brother was technically a part of his family, he did not consider him his famiglia, and thus nothing he attempted to do would be of any avail. Moreover, it seemed that his half-brother had been blessed with the same trait as the Cavallone boss; as Slivovitz reached forward to help his newly discovered half-brother, he tripped and dragged both Dino as well as Hibari along, entangling the three of them in an intangible mess.
It was rather fortunate that a certain prefect was, though glaring daggers at both of them, at the moment absolutely immobilized by the two klutzes entangling their limbs with him. What would happen once he breaks free, is still a mystery and would rather be omitted for the sake of our night's sleep, but one thing was sure – there will be a lot of biting.
Somewhere during all of the commotion, the school nurse had come, intrigued by the rather suspicious sounds resonating across the hallways, and without a second thought, lunged himself towards his all-time favourite young woman (whom he'd take as a patient any time, if only she was willing), crying after her Bianchi-chwaaaan as he chased her across the classroom, only adding to the current commotion.
Tsuna watched the scene unravel before him, his large eyes filled with utter helplessness. This was too much to take, really.
"Kufufufu, what do we have here... seems like someone's having fun..."
A husky whisper to his ear made his mind stop in its tracks as well as robbed him of words and mobility for the time being. The illusionist next to him smirked confidently; with all the commotion, this was an ideal chance to possess the Vongola juudaime.
"Oya? Giving me the silent treatment?"
Tsuna hardly gathered all his courage and somehow shook of the spell that froze him in place, and stuttered a timid reply.
"N-no, Mukuro-san, I'm just surprised... hee... heee... when did you get here anyway?"
The illusionist smiled knowingly before replying. The boy before him was such an easy prey it was almost disappointing to just take him like that.
"Just now. But it seems to me you're having a hard time keeping your subordinates in line... should I help you with that?"
He approached the tenth generation Vongola boss so close the teen could feel his breath on his skin, mesmerising him with his purring voice and hypnotic mismatched eyes. With a seductive purr that seemed to indicate more than was said, making it intelligible to decipher whether the suggestion were to be taken literally or figuratively, he breathed silent words into his ear;
"If you'd give me your body, I could help you with that..."
Terrified, Tsuna attempted to push his mist guardian away, all the while keeping an eye on his surroundings which were turning more life-threatening with every minute that passed. Not only was the Pinzu time bomb nearly at the end of his countdown, yet another threat appeared in the form of a heavily irritated Bianchi, wielding a large tray of the finest assortment of her poison cooking, ready to shove it into Shamal's face.
However, fate would not let her finish her counterattack; the principle of coincidences would be pointless if nothing incredulous would happen exactly at this point. So, naturally, I-Pin just had to be thrown this way, and she just had to land on the poison-cooking-filled tray the very moment the Pinzu time bomb countdown ended.
A deafening explosion, a cloud of garlic fumes and approximately three thousand droplets of condensed poison cooking later, the members of the Vongola famiglia that braced themselves before the impact looked around in confusion, only to discover tiny droplets of red, pink and purple floating weightlessly all around them.
"Out of 59 families, the Vongola famiglia is ranked first among the families with the highest probability to accidentally destroy the world," the fragile-looking boy reported apathetically.
This would have been an excellent opportunity to reorganize and calm everyone down, since most of them were either still in shock from the explosion or entranced by the vibrant display of thousands of colourful droplets.
Would have been,
if it wasn't for an enormous turtle that suddenly towered above them, threatening to pierce the ceiling anytime now, and seemed rather irritated.
Next to Enzio, a formerly crying Lambo gazed upwards in awe, taking credit for miraculous enlarging a formerly perfectly ordinary-looking turtle, and now in a firm belief his tears were magical.
"I EXTREMELY don't get what's happening, but... That's one EXTREMELY big turtle!"
A familiar voice echoed over the classroom as yet another guardian joined the fun, this one determined to fight the enormous turtle as it would surely provide more fun than the lions at the nearby zoo – he wasn't sure about the kangaroos, though, they didn't have any.
"Giant turtle! I EXTREMELY challenge you!"
Kyoko, which had been sitting still and merely observing all the while now cried words of encouragement to her brother: "Do your best, oniichan! But don't hurt the little turtle!"
She beamed at Tsuna merrily, adding: "This is surely the presentation of the innovative learning methods that was scheduled for today, right? I didn't think everyone would be having so much fun!"
His eyes widened incredulously, for after one glace over the surroundings, he could not understand how did the widely-beaming girl in front of him come to such conclusions. Gokudera straddling Yamamoto, still yelling and punching him half-heartedly; Hibari, Dino and his half-brother struggling to break free from the mess they've gotten themselves into; Hana nursing her goose bump skin and trying to keep maximum distance from both Lambo and I-Pin at the same time; Shamal still attempting to kiss Bianchi while everyone else worked their minds off to figure out a way to quickly shrink Enzio again; Ryohei recklessly attempting to challenge the turtle to a boxing match; and, last, but not least, Mukuro molesting him...
"Where am I?" two voices echoed at the same time.
In the centre of the room stood the fifteen-year-old I-Pin, worrying about future complaints from uncle Kawahira whose noodles were getting soggy again; behind Tsuna, a shy indigo-haired female appeared replacing Mukuro, with a puzzled look on her face, asking how she got here and where Ken and Chikusa were.
The latter seemed to have been looking for her as well, as not only ten seconds later, a loud voice could be heard resonating across the hallways.
"Mukuro-sama! Where did you go-byan?
Following the voices to the source of the entire ruckus, the two slid the classroom door opened and peeked inside, one with unrivalled eagerness, the other with almost equally unrivalled disinterest.
"Mukuro-sama, are you here bya-
Chikusa sighed tiredly, already having resigned to ever expect anything reasonable from his companion, and summed up the situation calmly.
"No, Ken, I don't think that turtle is Mukuro-sama."
Everything that piled up was too much for the young Vongola to take.
"Waaaah I can't take this anymore! This is too much!" he screamed, tears already welling up in the corners of his eyes (he was hardly any better than Lambo in this regard), his hands gripping his head as if trying to prevent the last bits of sanity from escaping his skull.
A rather too familiar voice (too familiar for his own safety that was) spoke to him as its owner appeared from one of his innumerable hideouts as seemed to be his habit.
"So, what are you going to do about it?" Reborn asked rhetorically before shooting a single bullet perfectly aimed at his student's forehead and smiling with satisfaction. The show never disappointed him.
A few seconds, torn clothes and a near-death experience later, Tsuna yelled out loud with determination:
ENDURE IT WITH MY DYING WILL!"
*Slivovitz: Slivovitz is a Slavic alcoholic drink distilled from plums, also called plum brandy. It has a rather high alcoholic percentage, somewhere about 40% normally (can be even up to 60% though), and is very popular especially in the Balkan countries, reaching nearly the same status as vodka has in Russia.