James T. Kirk: Guide and Owner's Manual


You are now the owner of a fully automated Jim unit. To ensure that you get the full use and benefits of your handsome captain, please pay close attention to the following instructions.

Basic Information:

Name: James Tiberius "Jim" Kirk

Date Of Manufacture: Year of 2233

Place Of Manufacture: Starfleet, Iowa

Height: Around 6'0"

Weight: Unknown

Race: Human

Your Jim unit will come with the following accessories

Three captain uniforms

Two pairs of boots

1 Phasers

1 communicator

Large box of condoms

When you first open your Jim unit, he may be quiet and tense. Show him your home and he shall ease up.

Cleaning: The Jim unit is fully capable of cleaning himself but help would be appreciated. *wink*


Your Jim unit is fun and reckless, and can carry out the following functions:

Captain: Whether it's running a ship to planning a party for the Admiral Jim will take control and guide all of you out of danger.

Party-partner: As he is normally 25 year old Jim loves to party. Name the place and time and the two of you will have a good time.

Partner in crime: He's smart, brave and cocky. If you want to run a car over a cliff, hack the Kobayashi Maru, or even sneak aboard a ship Jim will be there the whole time.

Guardian: Jim is good fighter against drunks in bars and Romulans from another time. His past gives him knowledge of the fighting and get back up and he is loyal so he'll always have your back.

Your Jim unit comes with five different modes:






The friendly mode is activated whenever Jim is with other units in a bar or hangout. He will laugh, crack jokes, tease people, drink (sometimes) smile and tease other units.

Fighter is activated when Jim is in a bar surrounded by drunk enemies. He will fight, get beat up, taunt and wrestle.

The Romeo mode is activated when Jim has his eyes on a beautiful female, surrounded by sexy people, trying to charm others, and trying to get out of something he did

The Rebel mode is activated when Jim tries to go against authority or is feeling into doing something he don't want to.

The Captain mode is activated when in charge of a ship, when others are stuck in a sticky situation and when other units are missing, his friends or family members are hurt, scared and endanger. This mode can be activated anytime and anywhere.

Reaction to other units:

Spock: This unit is a friend and First Officer to the Jim unit. The Spock Unit often becomes unemotional and detached some times which annoys Jim but get on fine.

Spock Prime: This unit is a like a mentor and sometimes worry your unit with knowledge of the future there is no harm leaving them alone.

Dr. Leonard "Bones" McCoy: This unit is a figure Jim units respect and admire. He'll scare Bones with his antics but everything is fine.

Nyota Uhura: These units are friends but things get kind of tense after Jim gets Spock emotionally compromised but they will get over it.

Montgomery "Scotty" Scott: This unit is a friend, and is respected by the Jim unit. Scott may annoy him about who the Enterprise really belongs to it's all good.

Hikaru Sulu: These units are friends.

Pavel Chekov: This unit is the brother Jim never had with his puppy eyes and cute accent. Jim will always look out for Chevok so there is no hard feelings there.

Christopher Pike: He is the father figure to Jim and tries to keep him in line but mostly to no avail but he respects Pike all the same. No problem leaving them alone.

Gaila: This unit helped him hack the Maru but they aren't exactly friends

Winona Kirk: Things are tense so it's better to keep them separate.

Frequently Asked Questions

Q: My Jim unit keeps coming back all beat up and drunk every night. If he keep this up I'm scared he is going to die. What do I do?

A: Get a Pike unit. He will find Jim and steer him to StarFleet.

Q: My Spock and Jim units aren't talking and Gaila seems to be caught in it. what happened to turn a already tough situation into a war one?

A: Gaila must have helped Jim hack the Kobayashi Maru test. They won't talk until after they come back from the mission. Just hide and be patient.

Q: My Pike has been kidnapped from my house and I want him back. I can't afford a PI so what do I do?

A: Get a Spock and a Jim unit. They will hunt down and successfully rescue Pike so there is no need to worry.

Q: My Jim and Spock are always looking at each other, making strange comments, and disappearing for long periods of time. Last night I found Jim leaving Spock's room at 2:15 in the MORNING. Whats happening?

A: Do you really want to know?

Warranty: With proper care, the Jim unit will grow old and eventually die, unless a Space battle, Bar fight or AIDS kill him. However, if you get annoyed with the sexy Captain, you can always send him back to our company for a full refund (within 12 months of purchase).