So I had to take some liberties with this one. Pretend that Gustavo and Kaure never came over to clean while Edward and Bella were still on the island.

There are some lemons, so don't say I didn't warn ya.

Stephenie Meyer owns it all.

"The Busted Headboard and Bitten Pillow Effect"
A one-shot in Esme's POV

"Come on, Carlisle!" I exclaimed as I tried to pull my husband out of the taxi.

He chuckled. "Calm down, sweetheart. I have to pay the poor man."

I sighed and tapped my foot impatiently as he counted out a few bills at a human pace. "Obrigada," he said to the driver before freezing and glaring at him.

I hadn't even noticed the driver. I was too busy watching my gorgeous husband. But I looked and saw that the man was visibly ogling me, his mouth open.

Carlisle removed a few bills from the total and thrust them into his hand, muttering something that obviously meant, "No tip for you." The guy didn't even seem to notice as he stared at me.

Carlisle, still glowering, stepped out of the taxi and wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me into a very exuberant kiss. Yum. I was distracted by his perfect taste on my tongue, not even really noticing when the cab sped away.

I pulled away a minute later to catch my breath. He softly nuzzled his nose to mine.

"You know," I breathed, "you're kind of sexy when you get all possessive and territorial."

He laughed softly. "And you're very sexy for letting me get all possessive and territorial. I don't have to be a mindreader to figure out what he was thinking. Disgusting. I don't know how Edward can stand taking Bella anywhere as long as human males are around. Can't the man see you're taken?"

"Now you know how I feel about all of those nurses," I said wryly.

"Darling, you know I don't even notice those nurses," he replied, sneaking a kiss onto my neck. "Now are we going to go to the boat or not?"

"Yes, sir," I winked at him. He laughed and snaked an arm around my waist, sliding his hand into one of the back pockets of my denim skirt. I copied the movement so I was groping his bottom. I felt like a teenager again, but it was a good feeling.

It had been four months since our little visit from the Volturi armies. Our family was finally complete again (with the additions of Jacob and precious little Renesmee) and we could breathe easier. But Carlisle and I were still a bit shaken. We had almost been separated forever, and it had left its mark on us. We were more desperate for each other-emotionally and physically-than we had ever been. After long days of working at the hospital, he had finally decided to use his vacation days and take me to my island for "alone time." Edward and Bella loved to talk about their experiences swimming, hiking, and sightseeing, and I missed Isle Esme desperately. So I was so happy when he told me his plan.

I snuggled into Carlisle's side as we walked to the boat. Here we really could just be ourselves. In Forks we had a constant foster parent pretense to play, and it sometimes stressed us. Here we could be any young, happy couple. We certainly looked younger than usual in his shorts and t-shirt and my skirt and tank top. Maybe the bystanders on the dock thought we were on our honeymoon. It certainly felt like it.

"Here we are," Carlisle murmured as he spotted our boat. He tossed our suitcases into it and swept me up into his arms as he crossed the threshold. I giggled and kissed his cheek. "They've taken good care of her," he approved as he inspected it, putting me on my feet.

"Mmm," I said absentmindedly, watching his muscles roll through his t-shirt as he packed away the suitcases and untied the ropes. He really was just so beautiful, all golden hair and piercing eyes and chiseled, matinee idol facial features. My man had also obviously worked hard in his human years; he was so toned and muscled. I ran a hand through my hair as I admired him working.

"See something you like, love?" he teased me.

The only thing more beautiful than his face and body was his soul. He was so compassionate, so loving, so humble. But we both liked a little feistiness in each other. This game I could play.

"Yeah," I said suggestively. "I really want to command this beautiful...boat."

He snorted. "Your wish, my command."

I walked to the controls and let him crank it. As soon as we were ready to go, he watched me carefully as I manuvered the boat out of our slot.

"Good girl," he complimented as I made it into the open water.

I rolled my eyes and shook my hips at him.

I really cranked up the speed, eager to get to the island so we could...have fun. Carlisle stood behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist, and nuzzled his face into the crook of my neck.

"You're very good at being the captain," he murmured in my ear. "Maybe I should get you a hat. That might be pretty hot."

I laughed and turned my head to the side so we could share a sweet kiss. "You're so silly. I bet you'd look better in a captain's uniform...even though I love labcoats."

He groaned. "I'm happy to leave those behind for a couple of weeks. Sorry to ruin your fantasy, Mrs. Cullen."

"I have many other fantasies," I assured him.


"Yes. Maybe you can uncover them."

He laughed-such a beautiful sound. "Let the boat drive itself for a minute. Come here, my love."

I set the controls to automatic-we would be sailing straight for a while anyway. He took my hand and led me to the cushioned bench. The air whipping against our faces felt like a soft breeze, and the heavy droplets of water felt like a gentle mist. It was actually quite erotic…

We sat down together, Carlisle pulling me close, and he started to trail kisses along my throat. "My beautiful wife," he murmured softly. "Have I told you lately that I love you?"

I nearly melted as he softly nibbled at my ear. "I-I think you did on the p-plane," I stuttered. "But you can t-tell me again."

He turned my face to his, his lips dancing along mine. "," he murmured between soft kisses, his arms holding me tight. "You're my true other half."

This was the side of him that captured my heart and made me fall in love so long ago. "," I replied, being interrupted by his feather-light kisses. I finally wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him a bit more forcefully. He responded eagerly, his left hand creating loving circles on my back through my shirt and his right hand twisting gently in my hair.

Carlisle Cullen was pure intimacy, all wrapped up in one golden package.

It felt like a minute later when I felt the boat move into shallower water, and I knew that we were about to be at our destination. I pulled away and kissed the tip of his nose. "I'm so glad we can have our one-millionth honeymoon," I said happily. "I've missed my love so much. I like to have him all to myself."

"He's a lucky man," he smiled at me before kissing me again. "Let me direct us to the dock."

He went and took over the controls. I slid out of my sandals and stood on the driver's seat so I could wrap my arms around his neck from behind and softly kiss along his neck. He smelled like honey, lavender, and something akin to cinnamon and musk. He was delicious.

"We're here," he murmured some time later, and I regretfully pulled away from his skin. There was our island, in all its beauty. I could see every palm branch and every grain of sand.

It was better than I remembered.

He tied the boat to the dock before coming back to my side. "If we're on our one-millionth honeymoon," he said happily, "then I'm allowed to do this."

He swept me up bridal-style again and carried me off the boat, swiftly across the sand. I couldn't resist kissing him as he made it to our beach house. This moment was so perfect.

He unlocked the door and flipped on the lights out of habit. "I'll go get the suitcases," he told me as he placed me on my feet. "I know you'll want to check and make sure everything is in place."

"You know me so well," I agreed. Every single picture and portrait was on the walls, every piece of furniture visible was in mint condition. But of course there was more of the house to see.

He left and I went to the kitchen. There was still food left over from Edward and Bella's trip, mostly the nonperishables we kept as props. I was surprised to find a plate left in the sink. It smelled like Bella's human scent, so I assumed Edward hadn't washed it before abruptly leaving after her fateful discovery. But we had a cleaning crew...

There was a few dried spots of batter on the counters, and a dirty towel left on the table. How strange.

"I think Kaure and Gustavo have slacked off," I murmured as soon as I heard Carlisle join me. "Or maybe something is wrong...sickness, maybe? Death?"

"I don't know," Carlisle said. "We'll find out when we go to Rio. I know you'll want to go dancing. We can visit them and politely check in."

"Okay," I agreed. "They've always been so wonderful about cleaning. I'm surprised. I do hope everything is alright."

"We'll find out," he promised me. "Sweetheart, I know you like to keep a tidy home, but maybe we we clean?"

I caught his drift immediately. "I think I can live with that," I teased him, jumping into his arms and wrapping my legs around his waist. He laughed and let me claim his mouth, gracefully walking through the house as our tongues tangled together.

"Mmm," I purred as he opened the "white room" door and turned on the light. I couldn't wait to twist in the blankets and (quite literally) tear his clothes off...

Carlisle made us collapse onto the bed...and then the bed collapsed beneath us.

"What the...?" he muttered before pulling away. Perplexed at our sudden misfortune, I glanced around the room.

"What in the world?" I exclaimed.

The room was...a mess. There were feathers everywhere, and pieces of wood chunked haphazardly around the floor. Wait, that wood looks familiar...

I gasped as I saw that the wood had been gouged from the headboard.

"This is...different," Carlisle murmured as we took it all in. "Have we had a Goldilocks?"

"I don't think so," I replied. "I only smell...Edward and Bella."

Carlisle suddenly coughed uncomfortably. "Uh...Esme..."

I followed his gaze to the headboard. There was an impression in it that was clearly molded to a hand. It was exactly the size of Edward's hand, his long pianist's fingers curling around the edge.

"Did...Edward...?" I couldn't figure it out.

"I...think so," my husband murmured in amazement.

" it rough," I remarked slowly. This was beyond awkward. I would have never pinned my favorite son to be a pantyripper. Jasper? Probably. Emmett? Definitely. Even Carlisle? Yeah, I had to admit, he was.

But Edward? Gentle Edward with his then-human wife? He wasn't only a pantyripper, but he was a...bed-destroyer.

I noticed that there was a hole in the wall, too.

Make that a room-destroyer.

"This is awkward," I said softly. "Do you think it scared Kaure and Gustavo? And that's why they haven't been back?"

"Maybe so," Carlisle replied. "Uh...let's go to the blue room."

"Good idea," I agreed, taking his hand. We walked down the hall, opened the door, and gasped.

There weren't feathers, but there was a smashed headboard and scraps of ruined lingerie. "What did they do?" I wondered aloud.

"I think they had a bit too much fun," Carlisle said dryly.

I looked at him, and our gazes locked. There was something about the way he said fun that made passion shoot through my dry veins, and I pushed him down on the bed and jumped on top of him. But as soon as I did that, the bed collapsed in. Just like in the white room.

"Damn it," my husband swore. He was obviously very irritated at being interrupted; it wasn't often that he cursed.

I sighed loudly. "I think I'm going to have a talk with Edward Anthony Masen Cullen."

"It's really quite surprising," Carlisle admitted. "I expect this kind of behavior from Emmett and Rosalie…"

I nodded as I glared at the ruined headboard. That had been an antique.

"I have to admit," Carlisle added quietly. "I'm kind of…jealous."

I turned to look at him. "What?"

"We're the parents," he mused. "We never get away with that kind of behavior."

Well…he had a point. We had always restrained our lovemaking, hoping to set a good example for Em and Rose. "Are you saying you want to smash a few houses?" I teased him.

He just stared at me longingly.

I couldn't resist that look. Those damned golden eyes always did it to me. I took his hand roughly and pulled him with me, through the door and down the hall. We ran together upstairs, straight to the third bedroom. He flung the door open.

I couldn't smell Edward or Bella in this room, so I knew that it must have been intact. I roughly pushed Carlisle into the nearest solid surface—the dresser. I could hear the mirror rattle as I ripped his t-shirt down the front.

"Fuck, Esme," he whispered.

"Did that hurt?" I suddenly asked in concern.

He chuckled. "Definitely not…"

And then he pulled my mouth to his.

We kissed roughly, ripping clothes off of each other. Finally, I had my man naked and erect in front of me. I could feel his erection pressed against my stomach, his muscled arms gripping me tightly.

"Bed," I murmured under his sweet lips.

He suddenly pushed me back, guiding me to the mattress. It was a tall bed, meant for the loud and reckless couple in our family (though now I supposed we had two). I couldn't quite climb up on it while I was still facing him.

He lifted me up and sort of flung me onto the bed.

And for some reason, that turned me on insanely.

"Come here, baby," I breathed as I fell against the pillows. Well, maybe I didn't so much fall as I did crash, because I suddenly saw a flurry of feathers.

Carlisle pounced on me, shaking the bedframe and causing the mattress to hang off one side of the bed. His lips ravaged my body, sharply nipping at my skin in that incredibly sexy way of us. I wrapped my legs around his waist, trying to guide his cock to my entrance…

I suddenly realized I had a lot of potential energy, just sitting around and waiting for me to use it.

"Uh-uh," I chided as I suddenly flipped over, pinning my love beneath me. "Nope, I'm in charge, Dr. Cullen…"

We kissed sloppily, my hands appreciating each defined muscle of his torso, from his pecs to his abs to his back. I was just about to sink down on his cock when he suddenly rolled us over.

"I don't think I like that idea," he teased me, moving his mouth down to my breasts. I started to breathe rather raggedly as he lightly suckled my nipple…and then he bit it.

"Yes!" I murmured softly, rolling us over.

I didn't realize we would be falling off the bed…

And the heavy force of our stone bodies would cause the mattress to tip over with us.

Carlisle grabbed me and pulled me away from the mattress that crashed onto the floor. I wasn't shaken at all, though. Wanting more kisses and contact, I slammed him into the wall. I was about to ravish his body, but I noticed cracks in the wall.

"Did I just…" I murmured, but he put a hand over my mouth.

"Don't," he simply said. "I don't have a problem with it. Do you?"

I glanced down and saw that this rough play was actually making him even more aroused. He was swollen and…well, he looked uncomfortable.

"No," I admitted, and he smiled before hoisting me up. Finally. I wrapped myself around his body, and he finally filled me. Every hard inch of his rather long girth sent flashes of fire throughout my body. I began to move on his cock, but he tried to move me to the bedside table to make me more comfortable.

I really don't think he meant to knock over the lamp and picture frames. I didn't even wince as I heard the glass breaking, far too distracted by my delicious husband. He and I were moving together in a beautiful dance, the destruction we were causing sending sweet nostalgic feelings into my brain. I had just been admiring on the dock how young I felt, now that we didn't have to pretend to be adult citizens of society. Now I felt even younger. I felt daring and reckless and sexy.

I rather harshly bit Carlisle's neck. That always did something to him that I couldn't quite describe. I didn't know if it was the connection we had as creator and creation, or maybe just lover and lover, but it was perfect. He fell back into the floor rather loudly. I simply landed on top of him and started to ride him.

My orgasm was imminent, and he knew it. He smiled as I started to shout out, his strong hand going to my slit and stroking my womanhood while his cock still penetrated me. A few strokes on my clit, and that was all it took. I fell into the throes of orgasm, falling on top of him. I bit him again, and he joined me in climax.

I felt a little calm for just a minute. I slowly rolled off of him, disconnecting us. I could see feathers from the pillows, mattress, and comforter flying around everywhere. The mattress was in the floor. There was a Carlisle-shaped crater in the wall, and glass was in the floor from his use of the table. A little spot in my brain told me that this was a huge mess, it would take a while to fix, I could probably never hire another cleaning crew if Kaure and Gustavo had talked in the village, and I couldn't even fuss at Edward and Bella now. Or Emmett and Rosalie, for that matter…

But I didn't care. The evidence of our…fun…had an effect on me. I wanted more.

Carlisle seemed to agree with me, because he suddenly pulled me up by my hand. I shoved him down on the hard boxsprings of the bed. Feeling rather dominant, possessive, and downright seductive, I leapt on top of him, planning to enwall his already-hard cock in the process.

But I jumped a little too hard.

The bed suddenly crashed through the floor. I held on to Carlisle for dear life, both of us shouting in surprise as we landed on the bed in the white room. Dust, plaster, and feathers rained down on top of us, sticking in our hair.

"Oh, what a mess," I groaned, distracted from my burst of kinkiness. "This is my favorite house…"

"We can fix it," Carlisle snapped a bit impatiently. "You don't know how sexy that just was…"

"Really?" I gasped.

"Really," he nodded, roughly pulling me up. We walked across the destruction, and I threw it one last glance. It was such a mess...

But Carlisle was a rather sex-minded man, when he was in the mood. He yanked me away from the room, making me giggle. I was already distracted by his apparent horniness. "Where are you taking me, love?"

"I'll spare the rest of the house," he grinned, his eyes smoldering as he swept me up into his arms. "We can at least go to the jungle and knock down some of those old trees."

"You mean…you like this?" I verified, just to make sure he wasn't mad that I had destroyed one of his gifts to me.

His answering smile was dazzling. "I don't think I'll ever be able to fuss at Emmett—or Edward—again."

"I still can't believe Edward and Bella did all that," I confessed quietly.

"Well…this island tends to have an effect on a man," my husband winked. "An aphrodisiac, maybe…besides, I think you were just more destructive than sweet Bella will ever be."

"Do you mind?"

"Not at all. Maybe we can have some naked construction, though…"

I laughed happily. "As soon as the old trees are taken care of."

He suddenly leaned down and kissed me so forcefully, yet sweetly, that I was dizzy. Not so easy to do to a vampire.

And then he ran me to the forest so quickly that I knew he hadn't yet gotten over that funny, blessed effect of Isle Esme.

I don't think these two get enough sexiness credit. Have you seen Peter Facinelli? Steph said in an interview that he walked out of hair and makeup and she saw Carlisle Cullen. So you know that Dr. Cullen is a rather dashing man. He could probably make my panties drop with one glance, and I think Esme would agree with me. So of course Esme would have a sexual appetite that could rival the other Cullen women. Just because they're past their teenage years doesn't mean they're old and stuffy.

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