disclaimer: the story character belongs to SM! not me... but the character Ellie and the plot is all mine! =)
Where I Belong
Chapter 11: Confusion
I ran through the hustled crowd and reached the empty parking lot. Wait what? Empty? That's weird. I looked back and saw people going towards the other class. That's when I bothered to look at the watch; I had still one more hour to get through school. I felt like slapping myself, but then again I didn't turn back. I moved further to the lot, and noticed that there was no smiling-orange-truck waiting for me. Shit! I came with Jake today!
I wasn't thinking right that's for sure because instead of turning around and going to my class whatever class it was, I just kept walking. I thought to myself, at least I won't be sitting idly torturing myself. It was raining softly but something in the air told me it was just a start, that should've been enough reason to be reasonable and start walking back to school, but every part of my body denied going back.
All of my conscious thoughts were directed toward so many things at once and it was all so confusing. To sum it up I was thinking of Edward and Jacob all at a same time. They weren't good thoughts, you could guess that, but I had no control over it.
It was like a scene in a movie where one side of me was not allowing me to forget Edward and the other side of me was forcing my legs to run for Jake. As a result, I just continued walking in the rain having a debate inside of my head, with no sign of hurry whatsoever. I knew both of my side, Edward's Bella and Jacob's Bella was right in their own place. I had no right to choose one over other.
I was so determined to go find Jake and pour my heart out for the love I felt for him merely 15 minutes ago, but right now I was more than just slightly aware of that little hole in me. I knew I still had feelings for Edward, even though I was okay with taking his name now, sharing some minor part of the relationship with Jake and Ellie, I knew I still wasn't over him.
"Will I ever be?" I asked myself out loud.
I rubbed my wet face, feeling the hot tears flow out of my eyes and getting mixed up with the little droplets of rain. Why was I always so confused? Why didn't I ever have a straight out, clear cut, determined answer? Why? Renee must've dropped me a hundred times when I was a kid. I heard myself giggle at the possibility of it, a young messed up Renee was capable of more clumsiness than I was.
"Hey, where are you going?" I heard a meek voice call out to me.
I stopped in my place to find a black SUV and Mike's face with a giddy smile mere five inch away from me. I didn't even hear that huge van coming my way. Wow… deep thoughts.
"Umm... Home" I said after a while.
I thought I was going to Jake's place but home, the word itself made some confusion go away.
"Let me drop you" Mike said looking really happy.
God… will he ever give up? I had enough problems already. As soon as I thought it, I felt guilty. It wasn't like Mike was making a move on me or something. He was just offering a lift. I mumbled a 'thank you' to him as I got in. He somehow looked different to me, or was it because I finally bothered to look at him for more than five seconds after what? about ten months? Of course he looked different!
"So, you are going out with that Jake guy huh?" I heard Mike ask with a clear irritation in his voice.
"Umm…" was all I could speak out? What was that all about? I was shocked at myself, just a mere confusion and I couldn't even admit to my relationship with Jake to this nosy guy? What's wrong with me?
I could see the change in Mike's face, from irritation to the hopeful ones. He seriously thought he still had a chance. I knew I had to come with a better response otherwise he'd be asking me on a date in about 60 seconds. 59… 58…
"He's my boyfriend and my best friend. It's a little more than just going out" I heard myself blurt out.
I would've laughed at the way Mike's face fell at my response but I was a bit more surprised at my response myself. Nothing about that felt wrong, as unreal as that sounded coming from my throat, I meant every word of it and I swear I could've said those lines all day long.
After that Mike dropped the topic, and stopped the talking all in all. It was just the sound of wind passing through and the rain making the humble sound on the roof. Mike had turned the heater on so I took my wet jacket off and let Mike throw it at the backseat. After that more silence followed and I got more time to think. Edward never left my mind… his face… that vague face from my hazy memory never left me alone. I would be honest here, I didn't think of Jacob even once. Yeah, I know something's definitely wrong with me.
I almost jumped when Mike hit the brakes like he had the intention to break the brakes itself. I could see my house from the window but more than that I could see Mike was angry. I could feel his anger hitting me through waves from his body, but it didn't succeed in making me feel any guilt. He had to know it, him and me never gonna happen. I had enough problems with no possible solutions already I didn't need a nagging voice to add to the long list.
"Thanks Mike. See ya tomorrow" I said as I got out.
He didn't respond and he just drove off. I sighed as I slowly started walking to the house, never minding the angry water droplets hitting me like Mike's anger was supposed to hit me. I was getting wet every second I wasted walking slowly. I should've been running but all I did was walk like I did before, trying to get the rain to exhaust the fire of confusion in me.
I slowly walked toward the porch leading to my home. I hadn't seen anything in front of me; if I had then I would've noticed the black bike in the driveway where usually Charlie's cruiser would stand proud.
"Bella" I heard Jake's voice call out.
My head snapped to Jake sitting in the porch with his hands on his knees. He got up slowly. I was too occupied before but now I couldn't ignore the heartbreaking look in Jake's face. It was like a much needed slap in my face for ever having a doubt about the guy in front of me.
"Jake" I dropped my bag and ran to his embrace, his warm embrace.
If Jake was any less buff than he was, we would've stumbled and fell down, but he caught me alright. We stood there for a minute like that, and suddenly I found myself wincing as he let me down.
"Let's get inside Bells. You'll get sick" he said never meeting my gaze.
Like I had no other choice and no more time to do it, I rushed to get in. I knew he was waiting to get inside to hear my apologies. Okay, that would be better, at least my neighbors won't get a preview of me whining and crying like an idiot.
As I opened the door and welcome myself in, I heard Jacob close the door behind us and throw my forgotten wet bag to the floor. I took three steps before two large arms held me in place. My eyes went wide as I realized he was soaked as well, how long had he stayed outside in the rain?
"Jake?" I asked without moving a muscle in my body. Something told me that I should be worried. Was he gonna break up with me? No! No! No! He can't! I won't let him! I needed him!
Maybe the neighbors will get that preview after all.
He turned me around and I… well I was in the verge of crying and begging and anything at all to keep him near me, keep him with me. I couldn't do without Jake now, no I couldn't even if I had never-ending feelings for Edward I treasured Jake too much. I needed Jake too much. I loved him too much, much more.
"Bells I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have said anything, I knew you weren't ready for that… I don't know what I was thinking. I wasn't … I'm so sorry Bells. I don't know…"
WHAT? What was he apologizing for? He is going to leave isn't he? I grabbed his head and brought it to me and started babbling whatever came to my head.
"Jake, no… I'm sorry. Why are you apologizing? I mean I'm the one who treated you like shit, I didn't mean to, I'm soo sorry Jake. Don't leave… please. I mean I can't… I can't even imagine you not being here with me… I… I"
I never got to complete that sentence. Jake crushed his lips to mine and I tasted my heaven.
"I'm not going anywhere Bells" he whispered.
His warm lips melted into mine as his tongue entered my mouth. That luscious tongue devoured into my mouth with so much passion, so much more than I'd ever experienced before but still I was begging for more. I felt the unusual greediness take over me. He had the same greediness, I could feel it.
We were pushing each other to ourselves, to erase that invisible distance between us, trap the air between us, never letting it pass. I climbed to his body, both my legs wrapped securely around his waist. His warm yet wet arms supported me so I wouldn't fall.
I knew sub-consciously I was waiting for Jake to pull away, to get away from me and start apologizing like I was used to till now, but that's all I did. I just waited sub-consciously. Consciously we were kissing each other like wild beasts pulling at each other lips, like a hungry untamed wild beasts.
Jake had placed his other soaked hand tangling it to my messy- wet hair and pulling on it while the other one was holding me to place. My fingers pulled his long dark curtain like hair as I fought for control over his tongue. Nothing tasted this delicious to me. Nothing!
Jake was moving he was taking me upstairs. Actually, scratch that, we were already upstairs. He was opening the door to my room. What happened next surprised me the most. I was the one who pulled away from Jake. That had never happened before! I was the one who always waited for the other person to pull away, but this time was different. I pulled away, breathing hastily trying to fill my lungs with the much needed oxygen. Even while I frantically took the air in, Jake never left me. He was nibbling my sensitive spot, my neck with his perfect lips landing open mouthed kiss everywhere my wet-clothes allowed him to.
"Jake" I gasped as he swirled his tongue right where my beauty bone showed. That felt so amazing!
He made the sexiest sound as my response to his name, and I wanted to keep hearing it, again and again and again. I knew I was taking a chance there but I started pulling his drenched t-shirt up. He pulled away. Damn it!
But to my surprise and my delight he put me down on my bed and helped himself out of his clothes quickly. I didn't get much time to react; Jake greedily took my lips to his and started sucking my lower lips, leaving it swelling in the process as he threw his t-shirt away, forgotten.
He was slowly crawling back to the bed, letting me down slowly. I felt his warm hands pull at my wet shirt and his warm skin was like an electric blanket on top of me. It felt so right.
Jake's huge and clumsy hand couldn't take the shirt off, so I broke the kiss amused. He could fix all the junk in the world but couldn't loosen up my shirt's button?
"I know I know… but I've never done this before alright?" he said looking a bit awkward.
I got out of my shirt and thanked the good heavens for giving me enough brains to have been wearing the lacey black bra Ellie had bought me last month. Jake took a sharp breath in making me feel wanted and beautiful and sexy.
I brought his lips to mine as I slowly kissed my way while whispering.
" You're my first too Jake"
I had my eyes closed but even so I didn't need my eyesight to predict his wide-eyes happy-go-lucky smile stuck to his face.
He leapt toward me hungrily, and my body ached for more skin, his skin. I could feel his very-there erection yelling to get out and I wanted nothing more than to welcome it.
As if reading my mind, he brought his hand down….
"Bella, Bella" someone yelled.
Jake jerked off me and was standing near the bed. I got up irritated as I recognized Mike's voice calling me.
"Charlie?" Jake asked looking around as if looking for a place to hide.
"No, it's not Charlie Jake" I rolled my eyes. "I think it's Mike." I said almost getting out the door.
"Wait! Where the hell are you going?" Jake barked as he pulled me to him fiercely.
"Getting the door Jake" I said catching my breath.
"No Mike-shmike is seeing my girl like this, it's for my eyes and my eyes only" he said with full on seriousness.
"Bella Bella" the sound never stopped.
"I'll see what the matter is" now he just sounded mad.
"But…" before I could complete that sentence he was out the door with his t-shirt in his hand.
I waited to catch my breath going over and over my head with the same question in my head "did that really happen?" with a smile stuck on my face.
I pulled the dry t-shirt over my head and went downstairs, my wet hair slowly soaking the dry t-shirt.
When I was halfway through the stairs, from what I saw I thought Jake was about to pounce at Mike. He looked angry, angrier than before and he was taking long and heavy air in just to control himself.
"Jake, what's going on?" I reached by his side ignoring the company we had.
I was worried; he looked like his anger was another part of him, fighting to get out and hurting him in the process.
"I don't know, I just said I didn't expect him to be here…" Mike shrugged trying hard to hide the anxiety in his tone but the irritating tone was still evident. No wonder Jake was angry, even I hated the way he spoke with that weird lame-ass attitude.
But still Mike was scared and I knew he was right to be. If Jake decided to hit him, one blow would be more than enough to get him unconscious.
"Mike, you should go" I said more like ordered him.
"Yeah whatever" Mike said as he threw my wet jacket by my bag where Jake had threw it.
'I'll apologize to you later' I said in my head as I pulled Jake to the couch.
"Jake, what's the matter?" he still hadn't relaxed yet.
"I don't know… something about the way he talked, I felt like beating him to pulp" he gritted his teeth.
"Hey… hey… "I made him turn at me; "you don't have to worry about him" he still wasn't looking at me.
"Look at me" I pleaded and he finally did.
"You don't have to worry about him or anyone for that matter. You're the one I'm with and that's not going to change… nothing is going to change it"
I felt him relax under my arms; he was taking slow but leaps of breath in to control himself.
"I don't know what happened, that blonde guy just got into my head. I'm sorry Bella" he whispered as he closed his eyes and joined his forehead with mines.
"It's okay. Mike just have that effect on people like you and me" I laughed and he laughed with me.
We stayed quiet for a while after that with our eyes closed playing lazily with our fingers coiled together. And suddenly Jake spoke with the same laziness in his tone.
"Did you mean it? I mean about me being the first…"
"uh-hmm" I nodded.
"Then what about the… you know..." he sounded awkward and uncomfortable but I knew he wanted to know.
"It never happened Jake. And I'm glad about it now" I said as I made sure I meant the words. And yeah I did, I meant every word I said.
I waited another few seconds, he knew I wasn't lying and I knew he was smiling. .
"Jake?" I heard myself speak
"I love you"
There I said it. Phew… a long silent air to take in and embrace the moment.
"I believe you!" he chuckled.
"huh?" I pulled myself away as I stared at him in shock.
"That wasn't the reply I wanted!" I yelled.
"Well… now we're even. This morning I wasn't expecting for umm… a long awkward pause either or better yet wanted it" he said in a mockingly teasing tone and a glint of humor in his eyes, anger all gone from his face now.
So now he's teasing me huh? I slowly moved my hand back to grab a pillow, but I was hit first and I saw the stars in front of me.
"You're too slow and too obvious Bells" he chuckled as he moved away from the couch.
"And by the way I think you should know… I love you too" he whispered with that same teasing tone leaning to my ears.
And I got the pillow to my face once again.
I don't know how long we hit each other with the pillows but eventually when five pillows sadly got destroyed we called it quits. Somehow we ended sleeping beside the couch, my head on his chest and his chin resting on top of my head, the sound of some TV program roaring loud throughout the house, as all my confusion laid to rest.
(a/n: too ashamed to even post an author's note. sorry i'm late but got too caught up with studies and exams and blaa blaa... hope you like it anyway and please do review! ^_^)