Mahou Sensei Negima and all its characters belong to Akamatsu Ken, and the author of this fanfiction hasn't made any profits from it, nor will he ever do.
All other mentioned characters also belong to their respective copyright holders, and don't forget it.
No resemblance between the events, institutions and characters portrayed here and any real life people, situations or institutions, out of the legally allowed parody purposes, is intended.
This fanfic is part of the Negima 101 fanfiction pieces challenge at the TV Tropes Forums. Check it out of you can.
Thanks a lot to Shadow Crystal Mage, Ack Sed, Japanese Teeth and the rest of the gang for their inspiration.
THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING CHAMO-KUN: PART 1
Once upon a time, before a certain perverted Caith Sith magical ermine was hired to play the mascot role in a certain boy mage turned harem owner series, several other unlikely candidates were considered to play that part.
These are their stories.
"Are you going to take much longer?" Asuna was starting to get really annoyed now.
Keep on trying me and I won't do it, the morbidly obese orange furball warned, his right paw STILL lazily pulling the piece of chalk across the ground.
"Hey, that's my line!" the redhead angrily snapped. "I've been standing here like an idiot for hours waiting for you to finish! It's only a circle! You aren't drawing the sketches for Tokyo Tower!"
The cat gave Negi an annoyed look. I told you we should have gone with the cook. Say, maybe you still can bring her here. And bring me some pork buns while you're at it.
Asuna stomped on the cat's head. "Like Hell! I haven't come this far just for you to toss me aside for someone who can feed you until you explode!"
"Asuna-san, please..." Negi weakly pleaded.
His feline friend tossed the chalk down, frustrated. Ooohh, I can't take any more of this! I need a nap to clear my troubled mind up. I can't work this way, I just can't. He turned his back on Asuna, laid down pulling his teddy bear towards himself, and quickly began snoring.
Asuna's face went bright red as smoke began to steadily blow out of her ears. "I should— I should— I should—!"
The cat interrupted his sleeping just long enough to wave a finger around. Whatever it is, in six hours, please. Be careful the circle's not erased in the meanwhile. I'll finish it later. Yeah.
Then Asuna began to strangle him, and Akamatsu-sensei realized it wouldn't work after all.
"ERRRNKKK!" the penguin yelled while holding an useless clawed wing up. "ERRRNKKK, ERRNKK, ERNK ERNK! SKWALLLL!"
"... Haruna, can you understand what is he trying to tell us?" Yue hopefully asked.
Her taller friend shrugged. "Your guess is as good as mine."
"SKWAKKKKK!" Pen-Pen hopped up and down in place. "SKAWWK, SKAWWK, SKAAAWWK! ERNK, ERNK!"
"I wish Negi-sensei were here, " Yue sighed. "He's the only one who can understand him."
"He looks quite steamed up, " Kazumi pondered rubbing her chin. "Maybe he's trying to warn us about something."
"What is it, Pengy?" Haruna petted him. "Little Timmy fell down a well?"
Annoyed at being mocked, Pen-Pen slapped her hand away with a flipper. "EEEEERNKK! ERNK, ERNK, ERNK!"
It was then that Nodoka walked into the room with a resignated, yet mortified expression.
"Ah, Honya-chan!" Kazumi perked up. "Good thing you're here! Can you use your Artifact and read Penny's mind? We can't make head or tails of what's going on with him."
"Actually, I already did, " the librarian pulled a few cans out of the bag she was holding. She offered one of them at the bird, who quickly snatched it away, popping it open with his sharp beak and rushing to drink its contents down.
Then he belched.
"Out of all the magic-savvy penguins in the world, we had to get the one who's addicted to beer," Yue mused.
Looking back at it, it could have worked, but the sponsors complained it could push younger audiences towards drinking. So they made a middle of the road compromise with the chain smoking ermine. At least they could change the cigarettes to chocolate ones in the animated adaptation.
Hopefully no digitally edited lollipops, though.
The large ape finished drawing the circle, then crushed the chalk between his thick, coarse fingers.
"I still can't believe it. Me, the scourge of Gorilla City, reduced to servitude to a practically newborn human. I swear, when the effects of this damned spell your father casted upon me are over, Boy, I shall—"
"Shut up already!" Asuna was quite fed up by now. "Isn't enough for you to stink all over the apartment, clog the bathroom up with your fur and getting us in problems hitting on Shizuna-sensei? Must you boss us around all the time, too?"
"Yes, I must. It's my duty as a superior creature," the gorilla growled before pointing for them to take their respective places at the circle. "Now be quiet and let us start the ritual. The Mc Dowell woman will find us soon."
"I figure she'll only have to follow your stench," Asuna snarked.
"Confound you, woman!" Grodd grumbled. "You will stop mocking me as of now... one way or another!"
Asuna defiantly stood to him despite Negi's pleas for not antagonizing. "And how will you do it? You know you need me for the Pactio, unless you want to do it yourself! You can't keep on—"
Then she stopped, as her eyes became suddenly vacant.
"You will kiss the boy now," Grodd icily commanded.
"I will kiss the boy now," Asuna mechanically agreed before grabbing Negi's face and forcefully pulling him into a deep tongue kiss.
It was at that point when the producers decided making the series' pet a telepathic gorilla was more Unfortunate Implications than Everythings Better With Monkeys.
"Well, look at the bright side," Assistant Amagasaki Chigusa commented. "They have just given us all a lesson on teamwork and the power of forgiveness. They have put their differences apart to fight a common enemy."
Akamatsu Ken ran a hand over his face. "They have just teamed up to stomp a puppy into bloody bits, Amagasaki-san."
"Well, you must admit he was THAT annoying," she commented.
Fate and Negi were shaking hands over the red large splotch while both of their respective harems cheered up.
After the Mahorafest was over, however, Poochie had a sudden announcement to give everyone.
"I must go now. My home planet needs me."
And he was teleported over.
Negi, Kotaro and Class 3-A stood there silently for a few moments, dumbfounded.
"I kinda get the feeling that was supposed to be my line-ne," Chao finally said.
"I'll miss him, actually. He really knew how to chase cars around," Kotaro sighed.
"Here. Here's your stinkin' magical circle," the crocodile-man growled between gritted teeth as he finished drawing on the ground.
Yuuna arched an eyebrow. "It really doesn't look like a circle."
"What do you think I'm, Picasso?" Croc roared, clearly not in the mood, sitting down to munch on some half-raw meat beside the campfire. "If you wanna kiss, fine. If not, like I care."
The basketball player shook her head and crossed her arms. "And they wonder why I've always hated messy men. He's so unlike you, Negi-kun. How did you meet anyway?" she asked while pulling him with her into the badly drawn circle, smiling seductively down at him.
"Well, I, um..." Negi blinked nervously as he half-dreaded what was about to happen. Maybe if he distracted her enough with his life story, she would forget about the Pactio. "It happened when I was a child, and my village was being attacked... A demon was about to jump on me..."
"And I tossed a rock on him! A damn big rock!" Croc reminisced between ferocious munchings.
"Oh...!" Yuuna chuckled, cupping Negi's face between her hands, making him to sweat. "So you do have a good heart after all, Crockie-kun..."
"Actually, I saw him first. I was wanderin' across that stupid cold countryside lost and hungry, and I wasn't goin' to let no stinkin' demon to get that snack before me, " he burped. "But yeah, you could say I got bland after that and let him to live when he started to cry. Not to mention his Old Man showed up and scared the crap outta me."
"Oh, " Yuuna's eyebrow twitched a bit, but she went ahead and kissed Negi anyway.
Much to her disappointment, however, the ensuing card was as horribly drawn and misshapen as the Pactio Circle had been.
The mangaka decided they would need an animal that actually could draw.
Itchy and Scratchy
Eva loved the detail of the mouse using the cat's blood to draw the circle every single time.
But everyone else in the regular cast protested they wouldn't work under those conditions, so that idea was scrapped as well.
Asuna had disliked the flea-ridden mutt since the first day he stepped into their lives. He was always nervous about everything, jumping and howling at the slightest sound. He was enough to make Misora to look fearless by comparison.
He also was always getting into trouble, seeming even more of a magnet for weirdness than Negi himself was. Asuna had grown to detest that creepy cat that took so much delight on torturing him around, and them by extension as well.
All in all, the dog was more problems than he was worth. She had literally cringed when Negi insisted on bringing him with them to Mundus Magicus.
After the forceful separation of the group and her kidnapping, the next time she ever saw him again was at the battle against Fate. After each one of her classmates was struck down, after Negi was struck down, after she was struck down, only the pitiful trembling thing was left standing. Fate, naturally, had paid him no attention and turned around to continue with the ritual.
Then the dog looked back at them. For a few moments he just stared at them as if begging for them to stand back, making tiny pleading sounds. Then he seemed to realize they were in no shape to fight back anymore.
And he made a strange sound. Makie would later swear he actually had said "The things I do for love!", but then again, it was Makie. Whatever the case was, much to Asuna's awe, the idiotic dog had jumped on Fate.
And somehow, in some way she never would be able to figure out despite watching every moment of it, he managed to put a beating on Fate. All the while never stopping to whine and whimper pathetically.
By that point, for some reason or another, Dynamis had managed to recover enough and had attempted to stop the dog, since the ritual was kinda getting screwed and all that to boot.
The dog managed to put him back as well.
Fate's Ministra must have had enough, since they were the next to pounce on him, although Koyomi seemed naturally terrified of him from the start. The dog still put them down, too. THAT had been an... interesting method to put Homura's flames out.
Then Fate stood back up. Looking finally angry, for once, and it was a truly terrifying thing to see.
In an even more bizarre succession of events, Courage beat him down a second time.
When it was all over, he stood on frail quivering legs, panting so much his tongue touched the shattered ground, battered and bruised all over.
Asuna barely could work back to her feet enough to wobble towards him, seeing him to shrink down under her glare.
She smiled at him, then gave him a mock knock on his head.
"Stupid dog. You made us to look bad."
Then she hugged him tighter than she had hugged anyone ever before.
He blamed the Marvel vs. Capcom fighting games.
True, they had rescued him from anonimacy, but looking back at it, maybe he should have stayed there. Now everyone thought of him as that octopus who fought Dan Hibiki. He, who once had been the Sorcerer Supreme's archfoe! He, who once was large enough to hold whole dimensions between his tentacles!
Now he had been reduced to drawing magical circles for a minor mage, all the while that vile redhead with bells in her hair hit him with a giant paper fan yelling something about 'Hentai!' or some such nonsense. The Japanese, he had learned it the hard way, were oddly sensitive about tentacle sporting fellows for some reason that escaped him.
And then there was that creepy black haired girl with glasses that kept on molesting him. Although he had started to take a liking to it lately. Not like he would ever admit it.
At least it paid the bills. And he always could vent his frustration out with what had become his mantra since setting tentacles at Mahora.
"Wastes of flesh!"
The combined Cosmo Entelecheia stood frozen in front of the impossibly cute diaper-wearing creature.
"Puu-chu! Puu-chu! Puu-chuuu! Puu-chuuu! Chuuu!" it happily, oh so cutely sang as it danced and drew the Pactio circle on the ground, lifting its head to look up at Fate's confused Ministrae after it was done. "Puu-chuu? Puu-chuu?"
"What..." Homura's right eyebrow twitched, "What does... it... want?"
Shiori managed to snap out of her own daze enough to reply. She still couldn't get used to the mesmerizing effect of that much cuteness, either. Heck, most of Ala Alba STILL couldn't, either. As a matter of fact, Mana seemed to be the only person at the current scene immune, just choosing to grunt in a jaded way. Even Poyo and Fate himself had paused, as if shaken by a sudden inner conflict.
"It, um..." Shiori began, "It wants you to Pactio with him..." she pointed down at Negi.
Homura tensed up. "With him...? You must be—!" Then she melted when the Puuchu started dancing again. Damn it, how could she tell no to such a... supernaturally cute thing? No, no, it couldn't be. She slapped herself trying to keep control. She then turned her eyes towards her Master, hoping to find instructions on how to resist that hideous spell from him. She found everyone else in her team had just done the same thing.
For a moment, Fate simply stood perfectly still and silent. Then he monotoned, "You first, Koyomi. Then you, Tamaki. And then you, Shirabe. You will go afterwards, Homura. Then you and you, " he pointed at Poyo and the Chibi-Mage, "Then finally Dynamis and me."
"PUU-CHUU!" the horribly cute thing jumped up happily, chalk firmly in hand.
It was then when Negi turned around and ran away.
... You are joking, right?
Regrettably, the lawyers of Archie Comics have prevented this entry from being added to the recompilation.
You know where you can send your protest letters
The emaciated Chihuahua slammed the door closed behind Haruna, Ayaka and Makie. "... Eediots."
Then he angrily turned to Chisame, pulling the chalk out of nowhere and balling his fists at his hips. "Well, get een place then, geerl. We don't have all day long. I'm as seeck of thees nonsense as you, eef not more, so don't make eet any harder, okay?"
Chisame seemed to be having second thoughts while looking down at the unconscious Negi. "But, um, shouldn't we wait for him to wake up first, at least? No, wait, that'd only make it harder. Or not. I mean, it's more uncomfortable if he's awake, but creepier if he's out cold, so—"
"Oh, for the love of—!" the ugly dog exploded, his eyes bulging out like crimson globes. "You're all seeck leettle monkeys anyway, so stop pretendeeng! Eef you're going to be a deesgusting pedo, at least do eet with pride! You make me feel eell! Just do eet before I throw you both through the weendow!"
"Don't talk at me like that!" she protested, kicking him against a wall before exhaling and inhaling to calm herself down. "Okay! Fine! I don't need being reminded of the seriousness of the situation, so cut the crap out and draw the stinking circle at once!"
Ren pulled himself out the wall and mumbled while putting hands to the work. "About freakin' time. There, eet's done. Now move your flacceed butt here and smooch heem a good wet one!"
"... Flaccid?" her eyebrows quivered, and she started feeling herself on the buttocks just in case, but the dog had had enough and just kicked her down towards Negi.
Just as the twerp was waking up.
"Chi... Chisame-san? W-What's go—OOOOMPHHH!" His eyes widened as she fell on him, pressing her lips against his.
Ren simply fumed as he picked the card up in midair. "I envy that eediot cat now. Wherever he ees, eet can't be worse than thees."
Elsewhere, far, far, far, far, far away, one Stimpson J. Cat was smiling, holding a litter box up before the fascinated eyes of his new best friend.
"— And that's why Gritty Kitty is the product of choice for any modern cat! Feel its fine smell! Its delightful texture!" He picked some sand from the box and blew it in the air all over Koyomi's face.
"Ahhh...!" she happily purred. "It's... It's true! I-I don't know how could I live for so long without it!"
Behind her, her comrades in arms just stared.
"I must... start holding higher standards for our newest recruits," Fate deadpanned.
Shirley Mc Loon
"Wh-What are you doing, Haruna?" Yue struggled in vain to break free from the much taller girl's grasp. "Let me go! Nodoka! H-Help me!"
But Nodoka didn't move at all, as Negi stood dumbfounded and his pet duck drew the contract circle in a few swift motions.
"Like, there's no need to panic at all, Yue! You're with friends here, and we all are willing to help you dealing with your inner trauma, your plaguing selfdoubts, your crippling insecurities! And, like, all that junk. So just relax. Breathe in and out, deep and slowly. Contact your core self and let her to speak to you..."
"She's telling me she wants to go away! And I agree with her!" Yue helplessly shouted.
"Now, now, Yue," Shirley lifted an index up. "Like, I know what's haunting the workings of your soul! You are so totally afraid of reaping bad karma by making your friend unhappy... But, in truth, Nodoka's as totally willing to support you as you are to support her! Like, don't allow your guilt trip to cloud your judgement! Feel the power of friensdhip and love flowing all through you! Omm! Omm! Before making the Contract, let's meditate to clear your mind and spirit!" She quickly fell into a sitting lotus position.
"I don't want to meditate!" Yue protested. "I... I just want to—to—"
"Please, Yue, " Nodoka softly begged, putting a hand on her shoulder. "What's the worst thing that can happen? It's only a brief meditation. If it doesn't work, or if you don't like what you find, you always can walk away. We won't pressure you into anything."
"But—" Yue began before Haruna forced her to fall into the same position Shirley was at.
"You heard her!" Paru cackled. "No pressures, so just do it, or else—!"
"That's a pressure you're doing right there!" Yue pointed out, but finally relented with a brief humph and a pout. She closed her eyes and placed her hands aside in a clumsy attempt at Yoga posturing. Nodoka was right, after all; she only would go through the motions, then get up and walk away.
"That's it," the duck nodded, closing her eyes as well. "Now let's join your minds into the never ending flow of the universal awareness. Om... Om... Can you feel it, Yue? Can you see the light leading to your inner balance?"
After several long minutes of total silence, Yue finally tensed up. "Yes. Yes! I can feel something."
"Like, I see it too," Shirley wisely nodded. "It's the very mondo spiritual highway to your repressed emotions! Follow it, Yue! Follow it! Face your true self! Like, break through your fears and fly free! Only then you'll be at peace with yourself!"
Yue moved her head up and down, very slowly. Then she stiffened, as if hit by an invisible force from her own insides. Nodoka, Haruna and Negi stood in awe as she stood up, as if possessed by a newfound determination, silent and with blank eyes. She walked over to the middle of the glowing Pactio circle, opened her mouth very slightly...
Then grabbed Negi by a hand, Nodoka by the other, and pulled them both towards herself, mashing their mouths against hers.
Haruna squealed, then fell in reverence before the duck, who now levitated in place like an ascended prophet. "I am not worthy! I am not worthy!"
"Like, I'm nothing but a humble follower of the New Age's truths," Shirley spoke, in a contented tone with a small but noticeable hint of smugness despite the meaning of her words. "You can reach a level like my own if you, like, meditate and concentrate enough, and stuff!"
Without missing a beat, she picked Yue's card in midair. But the kiss still didn't stop.
"A-hem..." Shirley cleared her throat. "Like, you can stop now..."
But they didn't.
Shirley's right eyebrow quivered a bit.
"Hello? It's so totally rude to ignore someone who's like trying to help you, you know?"
If anything, they seemed to be getting more into it now.
Haruna stared with curiosity as the duck's face soured a bit, then more and more.
And she grinned. She knew that feeling when she saw it etched into anyone's face, regardless of species.
Haruna chuckled cagily.
Shirley gave her an annoyed look. "Like, what's oh so completely funny?"
"Oh, nothing, nothing!" she excused herself, stopping just short of breaking into total laughter.
The duck sighed in defeat. "I feel a sudden disturbance on, like, the Force or some junk."