Hi there! Just want everyone to know that I do not own Naruto or any of its characters, they belong to Masashi Kishimoto. I own any other characters I create, however.
This is just a silly little one-shot that I hope you guys enjoy.
On the brink of war, the Hokage suggested a solution, an alliance between the two most powerful clans in the village and a prodigious blending of their powerful blood. The Hokage had meant this in a purely ceremonial sense. The treaty would be signed by the head of both families in their own blood and would bring them to the point of being family almost. Fugaku and Hiashi interpreted it a little differently and after much negotiation they decided to sacrifice one of their own for the good of the village. They decided that it was time that the families were joined once and for all in the bonds of holy matrimony.
It took months of back and forth between both men and their advisers before they finally decided on the perfect match. They had agreed early on that clan heirs were out of the question (they were sealing a treaty not blending their families) so Itachi was out and Hinata was out. Hiashi also asked that his second daughter Hanabi be excluded as well. It brought him great shame to ask but he fully expected Hinata to die before she was ever able to become the clan head. He also firmly believed that even if she lived long enough, she would never be strong enough to live up to his expectations so it was best to have a back up. So he asked that the younger sister be excluded in the event that the elder was ...unable to serve as clan head. Both men engaged in a round of head shaking at being unable to control their offspring's natural ability before moving on. Fugaku would have loved to have Sasuke excluded as well, he only had two children after all but he was loathe to admit that he had any doubts about his eldest's abilities or his ability to survive. After going back and forth an obscene number of times they finally decided that Uchiha Sasuke was to be wed to Hyuuga Hana.
When both children, they were 12 at the time, were made aware of their intended spouses, there was much screaming, crying and gnashing of teeth and that was just from Sasuke.
Hana took the new calmly enough and then she set fire to the main house. No one could really blame her, she was a terrible cook and marrying an Uchiha was enough to make anyone distracted. In the end the Hyuugas blamed it on a badly aimed Katon jutsu (Hinata's fault) and Hana was forced to start cooking classes.
At the Uchiha compound things were not any better.
'I have to WHAT? That's disgusting! Why would people even do that!'
'Well when you're in love, you get certain feeling and it makes you want to.'
'Never! I will never...I can't even say it!'
Obito sighed and patted the poor delusional kid on the head.
'Don't worry, when you get there it won't be weird or gross at all. You'll see.'
With that he left the boy to contemplate what he had said.
'I am never doing that. He can do what he wants with his girlfriend, me? Never!' He stalked off swearing he was never asking Uncle Obito another question as long as he lived. Who would have thought kissing would be that gross anyway?
THREE YEARS LATER
Hana: I hate you, you friggin Uchiha and there is nothing in the world that could compel me to marry you! You are beneath me in every way! The thought of marrying you disgusts me!
Sasuke: Shut the hell up! You should be grateful that anyone wants to marry you. You're a weak ninja, you can't cook and you have bad hair!
Hana: I'd rather marry your brother than you! He's one hundred times hotter than you are! He's a fantastic ninja and his hair doesn't look like a cow licked it!
Sasuke: Well too frickin bad! He'd never marry you for one! And for two...he's gay!
Sasuke: Yes...at least I think so. He's never had a girlfriend, he doesn't even look at girls. (Sasuke smoothes his hair) Does it really look that bad?
Hana: Mmm...it's kinda weird but it could be worse. Guy sensei...
Sasuke: Come one, we need to finish this.
Hana: I know but ... can't we just say the 'I do's' and be done with this? Why are they making us write our own vows anyway?
Sasuke: Beats me...How long have they been planning this wedding anyway?
Hana: No idea. I think they forgot how old we were when they signed the contract, probably didn't realise we were too young to actually get married yet.
Sasuke: That can't be right, they're the heads of our clans, two of the most powerful ninjas in the world...nah, they couldn't have missed that.
Hana: Unless they were drunk...
Fugaku: I don't know...hic...what I'm going to do with Itachi...(guzzles sake like its water in Suna). Poor gay bastard...if only he were more like Sasuke...
Hiashi: Indeed, I often wish my own daughters were more like Sasuke. His hair is just so magnificent, so masculine. But alas, we poor Hyuuga can only have useless daughters...oh well (He begins to sob as Fugaku pats him on the back)
End delusion...I mean imagination.
Hana: Er, right. Anyway, so this is what I have so far.
Sasuke, I don't really like you, in fact, I can't stand your guts but to prevent a war I will marry you. I think you have stupid emo-hair and you smell funny but compared to the horrible deaths of my friends and loved ones I will accept your hand. In fact, the only thing that makes this entire thing worthwhile is that I will be your brother's sister in law and can spend much more time admiring his awesomeness. I do.
Sasuke: That's frankly terrible. ( pulls crumpled paper from his pants pocket, opens it and tosses it aside.) Damn where did I put it? (Pulling paper from inside strange detached sleeves.) Eh-hem!
You always were two steps ahead of everyone
We'd walk behind while you would run
I look up at your house
And I can almost hear you shout down to me
Where I always used to be
And I miss you - like the deserts miss the rain
Hana: ... You know those are song lyrics, right?
Sasuke: No they aren't.
Hana: Yes they are, I love that song and I know the lyrics. How the hell could you think no one would notice?
Sasuke: I SAID THEY WEREN'T LYRICS!
Hana: Oh really...? Then where, pray tell did you get them?
Sasuke: (he mutters something incoherent)
Hana: Stop muttering you sad excuse for a man! Just admit that they are stolen, plagiarised lyrics from a song and we can move on. Oooh that rhymed, I am totally awesome!
Sasuke: I SAID...I said, I stole this from Itachi...( he looks down at his crotch as though noticing it for the first time.)
Hana: ... ... but, but who could he be writing poetry for? You said he didn't have a girlfriend...
Sasuke: ( he jumps up with fire blazing in his little eyes) I THOUGHT YOU SAID IT WASN'T POETRY! !
THE DAY OF THE WEDDING aka TWO MONTHS LATER
Hokage: Hana? Are you sure about this? If you want to back out now, it's not too late.
Hana: (adjust veil and eyes self in mirror) It's fine Hokage-sama, it's for the good of the village and all that. I expect to take a good long break from the idiot afterward of course.
The Hokage eyed her warily. He was an old man and he had lived long enough to become old because of his cautious nature and excellent sense of danger. He cleared his throat.
'You mean after the honeymoon of course?'
She looked at him curiously.
'No I mean after the wedding. I have no intention of going to the Land of the Waves with him.'
The old man scratched his head. Surely, surely someone must have explained things to her. Maybe she was teasing him or something. She looked aweful serious for teasing, his mind put in. Aw shut up, he retaliated. He was the Third Hokage, he had been trained by the first and second hokages themselves, he would get to the bottom of this. After all, the fate of all of konoha rested on this.
He cleared his throat.
But you must go with Sasuke to the Land of waves, that part is as essential as the service itself. If you don't go then the marriage will not be considered...sealed and wouldn't be legal.'
'Oh...well ok. But I'm not sharing a room with him though! He's a total bed hog. I slept over at his house when we were younger and he always stole the covers right off of me. I am totally getting my own room, believe it!' she replied happily as though a compromise had been met. She adjusted her veil again and posed in front of the mirror.
The Hokage wiped the sweat that had suddenly appeared on his face. It took all his fortitude as a man not to flee at that moment.
'But Hana, you have to share a room with Sasuke. If not, then the marriage can't be consummated. You know what that means right? I'm sure that someone has spoken to you about such things...' He was sweating buckets waiting for her reply.
As she turned, her face seemed to darken evilly.
'Hokage-sama, what do you mean consummate?'
He didn't think, he fled. He made an excuse, something along the lines of, Omg! Was that the sound of a giant snake invading Konoha! I think I should go check it out!
When he was safely away, Hana pulled the stupid veil off her head and laughed her ass off. Poor old guy, she thought. This whole wedding was his fault after all and payback was a bitch, and her name was Hana.
Naruto dodged out of the way as the Hokage hurried down the corridor. He tried to say Hi and remind the old man that he would be the Hokage someday but the he didn't seem to be feeling well. With a shrug, Naruto made his way to the bride's room.
'Hana chan. Are you ready? Hinata sent me to get you.'
Hana came to the door. Her eyes held tears which she hastily wiped away. She looked like she had been laughing her ass off but that couldn't be right, Naruto thought. Maybe she was nervous about the ceremony, that made more sense. He decided to cheer her up.
'Don't worry Hana chan, once the wedding is done, everything will be back to normal. You can go home and be with your family. I know that everyone expects you to live in the Uchiha compound but Sasuke knows how stifling and boring that place can be. I'm sure he'll let you move out if you want. He really cares for you, he's marrying you right? And I know that all the girls will hate you but that will only be for a while and he'll always be your Sasuke. That's the best part about the wedding, right? Marrying the one person and seeing then every day for the rest of your life, day in and day out knowing that they'll never change and will always be there no matter what! Yeah today sure is a big day, nothing will ever be the same again, dattebayo!' He opened his mouth to speak again when he was suddenly kicked hard enough to fly down the corridor and collide with the far wall causing a sizable dent.
'BAKA!' she screamed at him. 'I HATE YOU AND I'M NOT MARRYING THAT ASSHOLE AND NONE OF YOU CAN MAKE ME!' With that very audible announcement she slammed the door shut and set every trap, barrier and illusion jutsu she knew. Sasuke may have considered her weak because she wasn't a strong fighter like he was but she was a specialist at creating barriers and traps. It would take them hours to untangle all the jutsu surrounding her. Pulling the dress off she pulled on the fancy kimono-like dressing gown she had been given that very morning. As she pulled the stupid flowers out of her hair she began to think up a plan, she was blowing this joint and if anyone tried to stop her (she smiled evilly) there was going to be hell to pay.
News spread fast and in about 5 mins there was a platoon of Konoha ninja outside the bride's door. Hiashi and Fugaku were both extremely pissed at each other and at Hana but were too busy death glaring to be of any use. The Anbu were at a loss as to what to do, they were terrible at barriers so after throwing themselves at the barrier a few times, they stood around gossiping. The Jounins had surrounded the room blocking off the possible exits while everyone else were yelling questions and advice at the beleaguered girl. The Hokage? No one was able to find him.
The sneaky bastard Danzo was in the kitchen eating the hors d'oeuvres. He smiled his most evil smile while stuffing himself full of little octopus shaped wieners. Finally, he thought, the village will be mine! Muhuahahaha! He couldn't wait to see the look of humiliation and failure on Sarutobi's face. That would show him! He thought spitefully. He was helping himself to a handful of truffles when there was a sound directly above him. He looked up but before he could react something landed on him...hard.
'Ow! My eye! What the hell?'
The girl, (who wasn't that heavy, she told herself) jumped up quickly to run away. Surely everyone had heard that fracas. Damn Danzo and his piggy little habits. She was running through the back door when she collided hard with the Third Hokage who had been coming from outside. He seemed surprised to see her but was glad for the opportunity to get what was coming out of the way. He put a hand on her shoulder,
'You see, when a man loves a woman, there develops a special feeling between them...'
'Hokage that's real nice but I have to go.' She sidestepped him only to hear
'Hokage! She's running away, catch her!'
'What?' he said grabbing her arm.
Sacrifices, she thought. Tugging the belt of the robe, she shrugged it off and took off into the forest in her underwear. She needed to run, she needed to hide. Everytime she felt like she should stop, she had a nightmare flash of little baby Sasuke's with their chicken butt heads and she kept running. It wasn't far enough though. When she finally stopped to get her bearings she realised that she wasn't alone and hadn't been for quite a while.
'They sent me to get you.' Came a dark smooth chocolaty voice.
'Are you going to attack or are you going to come back peacefully?'
'Attack is out. I don't have any weapons as you can see but I'm not going back either. I absolutely refuse to marry your brother. You may not understand this but I don't love him, we're not even friends. I can't marry him. He won't make me happy and I'll make his life miserable.'
She crossed her arms over her chest more to keep her emotions inside that in any feelings of bashfulness.
'The treaty is important, Hana. You have to go back.'
' I know...I don't think that I seriously expected to get away, it was just too much all of a sudden but I'm whining like a little bitch. Sorry.' She turned to him suddenly 'No chance that you'll marry is there? I'm sure that given all the trouble I caused they'll accept any marriage as long as there is one. Sasuke won't care and I'll try to make you happy at least.'
His mouth did something that could almost be a smile before he turned his back to her. He began untying his outer kimono.
'Is there someone else?' she asked 'Do you already love someone else? Sasuke found your poem,' his shoulders stiffened momentarily before he reached back to hand her his overcoat. 'There is isn't there? He's very lucky, whoever he is.'
She was so busy getting dressed that she totally missed the irritated twitching Itachi was doing. When she finally looked he had regained his usual measure of calm.
'There. I'm ready. I think I should get a medal for this. Being married to Sasuke will be the most aweful S rank mission I will ever take. I doubt either of us will survive it.'
Itachi's mind was in turmoil. This whole wedding business had been wearing on him. It had made him think more and more about the future and about how he wanted to spend it. He knew that to everyone around him thought him too cold to ever feel love but that wasn't true. He had always been quiet and introverted and damn sneaky too. Did they think he would ever get caught checking someone out? Foolish younger brother, he thought. Finding those lyrics had been unfortunate and he would find a way to impress upon Sasuke how unfortunate his insolence had been.
QUITE A BIT AFTER...
Hiashi had a firm grip of Hana's arm as he escorted her to the gazebo where the wedding was taking place. Fugaku was waiting with Sasuke who had no idea about all the drama that had happened. He had spent the last hour flattening the hair at the back of his head to smooth perfection. He looked incredibly sexy in his wedding finery and all of his fan girls were filled with equal amounts longing and insane rage. The weather was fine and all was set. The seats were set up all around the gazebo with the Hyuugas and Uchihas occupying the left rows and right rows respectively. After delivering a veiled Hana up to the altar Hiashi went to sit with his family in the front row. He glanced to his left at Fugaku who sat with his wife and the other Uchiha boy. Next to Hiashi, Neiji fought not to yawn. He glanced next to a fidgety Hinata and then Hanabi who seemed to have fallen asleep. He sighed, his clan had once been known for its decorum and poise. Ever since the marriage contract had been signed, the clans had been spending more time together and relations had gotten shockingly loose. Where was the hate? The competition? There was an unprecedented lack of hostility between the clans especially among the younger generation. He glanced over at that Itachi boy who had become Hanabi's jounin sensei the previous year. Who would have ever thought?
Fugaku was intensely uncomfortable in his formal kimono but he refused to fidget like that Hyuuga girl was doing. He glanced somewhat irritably at his wife who sat on the other side of Itachi. She had a kerchief to her eyes as she tried to stop herself dying of dehydration. He looked at Itachi then and wondered when would be the right time to suggest that he be next to marry. The boy wasn't getting any younger. Fugaku had a mental debate as to whether the boy would be better off with his second cousins first daughter or his second daughter. His son would likely favour a quiet girl, once who was naturally graceful but not too full of herself. She would have to be well bred, talented and intelligent. As his mind was distracted by contemplating his other requirements for his son's future wife a small argument was brewing right behind him.
Ino: omg, can you believe that Sasuke's marrying that cow? If it weren't for this marriage contract thing he wouldn't think twice about her.
Sakura: I don't know, I've been thinking. Sasuke isn't really all that great you know. I meant he's so emo... it's hot, sure but what would that be like long term? Think about it, he'll forget every anniversary, be moody all day long and demand that you play Avenger in bed. And can you imagine how many kids he'll want? He's always saying he wants a big family, six at least.'
Ino: Six! Seriously? Six kids!
Hana: What the hell do you mean six? (she'd been bored enough to listen in on their conversation) That's not true is it Sasuke? You couldn't possibly expect me to have six kids, could you?
Sasuke: What the hell are you talking about?
All hell was about to break loose, again. The Hokage, who was performing the service, covered his face with his hands. Fugaku was about to stand when Itachi put a hand on his shoulder to keep him in his seat.
'I'll deal with this father.' He made his way to the front till he stood in front of the two quarrelling youngsters. They didn't even glance at him.
Hana: It's not your damn uterus so of course you don't care! Just like a man!
Sasuke: That's just what I was talking about! You women are just irrational! What is it, that time of the...'
'SHUT THE HELL UP YOU TWO!'
Everyone else in Konoha: ...
Itachi: Finally. I thought you two would never shut up. (turning to the crowd). I'm sorry but I don't think this wedding should continue. These two are clearly not a suitable match. Either one will kill the other or I may kill them both myself.
Random yeller: but what about the treaty. The wedding must go on or else there could be another war. For the sake of the village! (everyone intones "for the sake of the village"), there must be a wedding!
Fugaku: Itachi, that man is right. As much as you want to kill Sasuke, you can't, at least until after the ceremony. Now please sit down so that we can continue.
Fugaku: You always have to have the last word, don't you?
Fugaku: I hate that.
Hiashi: I don't care.
Meanwhile, sharingans and byaakugans were activating at an alarming rate. On the roof of the gazebo and orange masked figure and a creepy snake man high fived one another happily.
Itachi: ENOUGH! I said I had a solution, now shut up and listen. (clears throat). Hyuuga, will you marry me?
Neiji: WHY THE HELL IS EVERYONE LOOKING AT ME?
Indeed, everyone had turned to look at the prettiest Hyuuga with large Yaoi filled eyes, well at least the girls and Lee did. Everyone else looked ready to fall out of their chairs or faint. Fugaku was muttering about believing Sasuke from now on while Hiashi was asking Neiji if it was because of what happened with his father. It was a mess. No one noticed Hinata as she slipped out of her seat and flew into the arms of her beloved. The Hokage deciding that a wedding, any wedding, was better than a war performed the fastest ceremony legally possible.
AND THEY ALL LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER.
EPILOGUE (Harry Potter Style)
Little Hinata Uchiha glanced back at her mother and father before running off into the academy. She wasn't excited at going to school but it would be fun to spend more time with her cousins even if they were hard to keep track of. The playground was dominated by dark haired blue eyed children who managed to be both loud and sullen at the same time. Hinata jr, known as Natty to her fond parents, ran to greet Natsume Uzumaki. The pink haired girl was fighting with one of the mini sasuke's and she was winning. She looked up and her sky-blue eyes flashed victoriously. In her hand was one of her pretty hairpins that had gone missing the previous week.
The parents watched from the side as the children met and fraternised. Sasuke was exhausted as was Ino. Everyday was a challenge and he had just come back from a mission too. Ino yawned before tugging on Sasuke's arm and leading him home. Hinata watched them go with a mixture of amusement and pity. Sasuke had gotten exactly what he wanted and Ino never let him forget that HE had been the one to want them. Not that she didn't love them, she just made sure that he shared the responsibility. Itachi, who had returned from the same mission as Sasuke put his arm around his wife and pulled her close before they too set off homeward. Naruto, a temporary instructor at the Academy, rang the bell to summon the children inside. The playground emptied and quiet reigned over Konoha.
Note on Hana: Hana Hyuuga had been pissed off at Konoha for putting her through the unnecessary hell of marriage. While everyone celebrated the first Uchiha/Hyuuga wedding, she had found herself sulking at the edge of the forest. Thanks to her excellent Hyuuga eyes she could see the overjoyed expression on Hinata's face and the quiet happiness in Itachi's eyes. She turned away and found herself face to face with a bright orange mask.
Not long after that, she disappeared from the village. A note was found in her empty room, saying that she was running away to join the circus and that they shouldn't bother looking for her. She was later reported as having joined the Akatsuki where she has remained till present day.
I hope you enjoyed the story. Please review if possible. I am open to criticism as long as it is constructive and I don't mind one word responses.