OLIVER WOOD PICTURE SHOW

STARRING. . .
In order of appearance

Percy Weasley and Penelope Clearwater as the married couple. (some married couple)
Ron Weasley as Brad. (a hero)
Sienna Moony as Janet. (a heroine)
Fred and George Weasley as The Criminologist. (A criminologist)
Draco Malfoy as Riff Raff. (A Transylvannian)
Kara Prongs as Magenta (A Transylvanian)
Pansy Parkinson as Columbia (A transylvanian)
Harry Potter as Dr. Frank-en-furter (THE transvestite)
Oliver Wood as Rocky. (A creation)
Neville Longbottom as Eddie (An ex delivery boy)
AND. . .
Remus Lupin as Doctor Scott.

(M)

Our story begins one normal afternoon in a cozy church. The bell rings, announcing the blissful bondage of two young lovers before the eyes of God. The doors open, revealing the newlyweds and their family and friends.

Ron: I can't believe he actually got married before I did. I mean, honestly, he's a prick!

The aforementioned Weasley, youngest brother of the groom, grumbled this under his breath as the House Elf eagerly took their picture on the steps of the church. He waited impatiently, smiling appropriately when the short, annoying creature flashed its Big Muggle Device ™ time and time again, then finally managed to escape from the clutches of Percy and Penelope Weasley. Or, he thought he had, as he felt a frail hand grasp his shoulder, and turned to peer into the spectacled eyes of his nerdy older brother.

Ron: Congratulations, Percy.

Percy: This is wonderful, Ron! I'm married! Penny and I are so excited. . .

Ron: Yes, well, that's great. Really.

The red-heads turned to see Penelope lob her bouquet in the air, and a young girl with auburn hair and glasses knock out a nearby blond who had caught it. The former grabbed the bouquet while the blond was down.

Sienna: Don't mess with me, Wormtail! 'Tis mine! And back off, Padfoot!

Sienna snapped at a shorter brunette who had been trying to sneak up behind her. Ron caught Percy's wince, which quickly turned into a nervous grin.

Percy: Well, uhh. . . she caught the bouquet, so. . . yeah. . . bye.

Percy then left because he wanted to get some.

THE END.

Just joshing, that's not the end. There are several implied sex scenes, transvetites, and musical sequences before we see the end.

Really. I'm not joking.

Speaking of musical sequences, it's about time we had one. So, I'll let Prongs handle it. She has that sort of experience.

(P)

Chapter Two: A Cotton Candy Flavored Bean

Ron: Soo . . . .

Sienna: So . . . . er . . . Ron . . .

**ackward silence**

Ron: Er . . . Sienna?

Sienna: Yes, Ron?!?

Ron: I've got something to say

Sienna: Well, get on with it!

Ron: Alright, alright! **ahem** I really love the . . . skillful way
You - er - **looks at Wormtail** beat the other girls
To Penny's bouquet.

Sienna: oh . . . is that all?

Ron: Er - yes it is!

Sienna: Ron! No it's not?

Ron: It's not?

Sienna: Course it's not!

Ron: Oohh . . .

Chorus: Sienna!

Ron: You've got more rivers than Vienna . . .

Chorus: Sienna!

Ron: I want a piece of your American Pie-enna

Sienna: RON! (in unsion with Chorus)
Chorus: Sienna!

Ron: In the name of that house, Gryffindor-enna!

Chorus: Sienna!

Ron: I've got one thing to say,
Damn it, Sienna, I loooovvvveee you!
Ron: The competition may be tough-enna!

Chorus: Sienna!

Ron: The going might get a little rough-enna!

Chorus: Sienna!

Ron: But, I'm your ikle Ronnie-enna!

Chorus: Sienna!

Ron: I've got one thing to say, and that's . . .
Damn it, Sienna, I love you!
Here's a broom that we can ride on,
A wand to cast spells on,
A pitch that we can . . . play . . . on!
As long as you need me,
I know where I will be,
S-I-E-N-N-A, I LOVE YOU!

Sienna: Oh, Ron! It's much sweeter than Penny's

Chorus: Ronny!

Sienna: I know you don't have much money,

Chorus: Ronny!

Sienna: But, ooooohhhh, honey,

Chorus: Ronny!

Sienna: I've got one thing to say,
And that's Ronny, baby, I've got it bad for you!
Oh, Ronny!

Ron: Oh, damn it!

Sienna: I've got it,

Ron: Oh, Sienna!

Sienna: bad for you!

Ron: I love you too!

R & S: There's only one thing left to do . . .

Chorus: Sienna!

Ron: We've gotta go see the teacher-enna!

Chorus: Sienna!

Ron: Who gave us the beginn-enna,
Chorus: Sienna!

Ron: It was in his DADA Examma

Chorus: Sienna!

Ron: That you smiled at me, Ronnienna . . .

Chorus: Sienna!

Ron & Sienna: Oh, I looooovvvvveeee you!



**I apologize for that moment of insanity, but it's very hard to find words that rhyme with "Sienna" **

(M)

Chapter Three: Pear-flavoured Berty Botts' Every Flavour Bean

We now return to our non-musical sequence; which begins with Fred and George Weasley, self-proclaimed criminologists.

Fred: As you can see, these two children were quite innocent and had so much going for them.

George: . . .

Fred: **bursts out laughing**

George: Fred! **elbows his brother** **pushes him out of the way** **in serious tone of voice** Yes. But on their visit to their favourite Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, someone had cast a mischievous spell on their Ford Anglia so that it gave out right outside of a certain mysterious mansion, which is missing to this day.

Fred: Duh duh dduuuuuhh!!!!

George: **elbows his brother again**

(Back to Ronnie-enna and Sienna-ad)

Ron: This is brilliant.

Sienna: I agree. Rather ominous, too, wouldn't you think?

Sienna gestures to the black castle, as lightning cracks overhead and a skinny, pale blond guy stares at them from the upper window.

Ron: Why is he staring at us?

Sienna: . . . I don't know.

Ron: . . .

Sienna: . . .

Ron: . . .

Sienna: . . .

Ron: Right, then, let's go in, shall we? No point in standing around in the rain any longer.

Sienna: We can't!

Ron: Why not?!?!

Sienna: Because we have to stand out here pointlessly and do another musical number!

Ron: Bloody -- WHY?!

Sienna: It's in the rules! **pulls out a rule-book** See?

Ron: **reads rules* Well, sodding. . . **rolls eyes** Oh, all right. Let's get on with it, then.

Sienna: In the velvet darkness
Of the blackest night
Burning bright
There's a guiding star
No matter what or who you are.

Ron: Why don't we just call the bus of Knight?

(Prongs and Draco sing in the background)

Kara: Over at the Frankenstein place!

Ron: WHY don't we just call the bus of Knight?!

Draco: Burning in the fireplace

Ron: No, seriously; We're stranded, why don't we just call the bloody Bus of Knight???
It would save us so much strife. . .

Draco: The darkness you must go
Down the river of night's dreaming
Flow morphia slow
Let the sun and light come streaming
Into my life, into my life

Ron: Look, I'll pull out my wand, and get the bus of Knight. . .

Kara: Burning in the fireplace,
There's a light, there's a light.

Sienna: In the darkness of everybody's life!

Ron: Bloody hell. That's the last time I ever do a bloody musical number.

(P)


Chapter Four: Blueberry Bertie Bott's Beans

**Ron and Sienna edge closer to the house. Ron is looking slightly . . . sexy . . . I mean! Wait! Sienna! Last time I ask YOU for help . . . anyways, Ron is looking slightly aggravated. As they go in, they come face to face with Draco Malfoy, looking pale and attractive as always, dressed entirely in black and giving them a bizzare look**

Draco: Weasley . . .

Ron: Malfoy . . .

**Draco suddenly looks sharply from Ron to Sienna. She gives him an incredulous look. Why? Because I feel like using the word incredulous. Not to be redundant, of course. Being excessively wordy is not the point of this . . . story. However . . . (at this point, Prongs is promptly poked) Ahem. Where was I? Right**

Draco: You're wet.

Sienna: Uh-hun.

Ron: Well if she hadn't have insisted on the stupid bloody musical number . . .

Draco: Well then. **there is a long, ackward pause** You'd better come in.

**Draco leads them in, and they look around anxiously.**

Ron: Uh - Sienna . . .

Sienna: What?

Ron: **blushing** Shouldn't you be clinging on to me helplessly?

Sienna: What? Oh - Right. **clutches Ron** Oh, Ronniekins!

(M)

Chapter Five: Rootbeer-flavoured Berty Botts' Every Flavour Bean

-The story of why Prongs called Ron sexy-

Prongs: **writing** What does Ron look like right now?

Moony: **reading a Dream Interpretation book** Wet.

Prongs: No, what else?

Moony: Sexy.

Prongs: Okay-heeeey. . .

Moony: **whistles innocently**

We now return you to our heroes and the Slytherin brats. Did I say brats? I meant. . . darlings.

Sienna: **clinging to Ron** **studies Draco** Are you having a party.

(Several cheers and shouts of laughter come from the other room.)

Draco: No.

Ron: No?

Draco: No.

Ron: NO?

Sienna: No!

Draco: No! Wait, sorry, what was the question?

Ron: Are you having a party!

Draco: Oh, yes. It's a time of celebration for the master of the house.

Sienna: Sounds fun!

(A voice shouts from the top of the stairs)

Kara: FUN! FUN! Muahaha. . .

(A cockney maid with blond hair and scary make-up slides down the banister)

Kara: Fun! Bah, well, it is fun, but you're not invited, you smelly gryffindors. Go eat your spam.

Sienna: Kara?

Kara: Wot?

Sienna: What are you doing here?

Kara: I'm trying to seduce Draco, what else?

Sienna: Oh, of course. How silly of me. Anyways, why aren't we invited?

Draco: Well. . .

Kara: ?!

Draco: I suppose you can come, if you really want.

Ron: No, it's okay, we just need to use the phone.

Sienna: **tugs on Ron's sleeve** Rooonnnniiieeee. . .

Ron: . . . gah.

(Music starts playing in the background)

Ron: No! Stop it! **he covers his ears**

Draco: It's astounding!
Time is fleeting!
Madness takes its toll
But listen closely

Kara: **leaping down and snearing at Ron** Not for very much longer!

Draco: I've got to. . . **grins at Sienna** keep control!

Ron: Why, God, why?!?!?! Stop it! Stop it!! **runs around in circles** We just need to use your phone!

Sienna: Ron! You're not even supposed to know what a telephone really is!

Ron: What? Oh, yeah, I forgot. I mean, we need to use some muggle device that you may have!

Draco: **ignoring them and dancing with Kara** I remember doing the Time Warp!
Drinking those moments when
The blackness would hit me

Kara & Draco: And the void would be callllinngg. . .

Ron: **sobs**

Sienna: **shaking her head to the beat of the song**

Ron: **nudges Sienna** Stop enjoying this!

Sienna: Woops. Sorry. Hehe.

All: Let's do the Time Warp again!

Ron: No, I don't WANT to sing!

Sienna: You have to!!

All: Let's do the Time Warp again!!

(We flash to Fred and George, who are using strings to pull Lee Jordan and Katie Bell this way and that)

Fred: It's just a jump to the left. **makes Katie and Lee jump to the left**

(Back to the mansion)

All: And then a step to the riiiiiight.

(Back to the "criminologists")

George: **making Lee and Katie put their hands on their hips** With your hands on your hips.

(Draco and Kara bring Ron and Sienna into a room full of scary dancers in tuxedos. They all seem to be doing a very odd dance involving very. . . graphic. . . movements.)

All: You bring your knees in tight
But it's the pelvic thrust
That really drives you insa~aaane~!!
Let's do the Time Warp again!!!
Let's do the Time Warp again!!!

Ron: **faints**

Sienna: **catches Ron** Woo, too much excitement for him. Any place I can lay him down? . . . for his resting purposes only, of course.

Draco & Kara: **too busy dancing to bother themselves with their guests**

Kara: It's so dreeaaamy
Oh, fantasy free me!
So you can't see me,
No, not at all!
In another dimension
With voyeuristic intention
Well secluded, I see all!

Draco: With a bit of a mind slip

Kara: You're into the time slip!

Draco: And nothing will ever be the same!

Kara: **grinning slyly at Sienna** You're spaced out on sensation!

Sienna: **rolls eyes* Well, not at the moment, because I can't put Sleeping Beauty down! He's rather heavy, you know! If you would just-

Draco: Like you're under sedaaation!!!

Sienna: Well, honestly, I'm trying to have a conversation, here! Will you listen to-

All: Let's do the Time Warp again!!
Let's do the Time Warp again!!

(Suddenly, the crowd parts to reveal Pansy wearing a sequened suit)

Pansy: Well, I was walking down the street
Just a having a think
When an oaf of a guy gave me an clumsy wink!
He shook-a me up, he took me by surprise
He had a remembrall and the Gryffy eyes!
He stared at me and I felt a change
Time meant nothing, never would again!

(The song stops, suddenly, as we see that Ron has woken up and has his wand extended, pointed towards the stereo that was the source of the music. The Muggle Device seems to have exploded, due to some. . . err. . . mysterious force.)

Ron: **takes a deep breath** Pansy singing about Neville was the last straw.

Sienna: **shudders** Yeah, that got me, too.

Kara & Draco: **grumble** I suppose we'll go get the master, now.

(P)

Chapter Six or Maybe Seven . . . Eight . . . Ah, Nevermind: Pinepple Bertie Bott's Margueritas . . . er . . . Jelly Beans

**Kara and Draco exchange looks. They start walking towards eachother, and Draco grabs her and . . . . **

Sienna: HELLO? We're still here . . .

**Kara and Draco stop . . . what they're doing . . . and lookover at Sienna and Ron.**

Kara: Oh, yes.

Draco: Well . . .

**Strange music starts playing and a black cloaked figure appears from an old, metal elevator type thing**

Dr. Love . . . er Dr. Potter-stien: How do you do?
I see you've met my faithful handy man
He's just a little down,
'Cuz when you knocked.
You interrupted Kara and . . . erm . . .

Kara: **cough**

Dr. Potter-stien: **walks over to a throne, stands backwards and throws off his cloak to reveal a very slutty, a la stripper outfit** Don't get strung out by the way I look!
Don't judge a book by it's cover
I'm just a player of Quidditch by day,
But at night, I'm one hell of a lover!
**pouting black/reddish lips coated in a thick layer of lip gloss**
I'm just a sweet transvestite,
From Transexual, Slytherin!

Lemme show you around, maybe play you a sound,
You both look pretty groovy,
Or if you want something . . . visual
**Starts to run hands along Ron's shoulder**
That's not too . . . abysmal
We could take in an old Gilderoy Lockhart movie

Ron: I am glad we caught you at home,
Could we use your . . . muggle contraption that you might happen to have lying around?
We're in a bit of a hurry

Sienna: Damn straight!

Ron: We'll just say where we are,
Then go back to the car,
We don't want to be any worry!

Dr Potter-stien: You got caught with a flat
Well, how about that?
Well babies, don't you panic
By the light of the night,
I'll get you a satanic mechanic!
I'm just a sweeeet transvestite!
From Transexual, Slytherin!
Why don't you stay for the night?

Draco: Night?

Dr Potter-stien: Or maybe a bite!

Pansy: Bite!

Dr Potter-stien: I could show you my obession,
I've been making a man,
With brown hair and a tan,
And he's good for releiving my . . . tension
I'm just a sweeet transvestite!
From Transexual, Slytherin!
So come up to the lab,
And see what's on the slab
I see you shiver with anticipation,
But maybe the rain
Isn't really to blame
So I'll remove the cause,
But not . . .

**puckering of lips**

The symptom!

**at this moment, Kara and Draco begin undressing Sienna and Ron**

Sienna: What the hell!?!?

Ron: Just go with the flow, honey.

Sienna: Okay . . .

**Draco checks out Sienna, only to be promptly poked by Kara. Pansy looks at both**

Pansy: Mmmm . . . shouldn't keep the master waiting!

**They are escorted on to the elevator and upstairs, where the Dr. awaits, dressed in a very "conservative" fourties grey tweed suit (women's suit, obviously)**

(M)

Chapter 20983: Jalapeno Pepper-flavoured bean

Sienna: **giggling** I had no idea your mother made Weasley Knickers, too!

Ron: Shut up, Sienna!

Sienna: No, actually, I want a pair.

Draco: Yeah! Me, t-- **gets poked by Kara**

Harry: **eyeing them all with a lusty expression**

Sienna: **glares at Harry** Stop that!

Harry: **eep** Yes, ma'am.

Sienna: Anyway, what is this "form of relief" that you wanted to show us, Potter?

Harry: My boy toy! I've created him to help me play. . . **notices everyone staring at him, strangely** . . . err. . . Quidditch.

All: **continue to stare at him, strangely**

Harry: Err. . . right, then. Let's move along, shall we?

Sienna: Dude, I'm still in my underwear.

Harry: . . .

Draco: . . .

Ron: . . .

Pansy & Kara: **exchange glances**

Pansy: **wacks Harry** Stop staring and get the girl some robes!

Kara: **wacks Draco** Yea! Ye call yerselves gents? Y'ought to be ashamed. Honestly!

Ron: What about me?

Sienna: **putting on the robes** Nah, you're fine in yer Weasley Knickers. So, go on, Harry, show us your stuff.

(Harry pulls away a cloth to reveal. . . Oliver Wood!)

Millions of fangirls: **scream** It's Oliver Wood!!!! GET HIM, GIRLS!!!

Harry: Oh, GOD, I was afraid this would happen! Kara! Draco! Pansy!! Commence the diversion!

Kara: Yes, sir! **points and screams** LOOK! OVER THERE!!!! LEGOLAS!!!!

(The millions of fangirls turn and run in the opposite direction, towards "Legolas")

Draco: **grinning slyly** Why, YES, ladies, I AM Orlando Bloom! Oh, this is just make-up for a new movie I'm working on. Yes, I WILL be naked in it. . .

Ron: **shudders**

(P)


Kara: Nothing I haven't already seen . . .

Oliver: The Wand of Dumbleeydore is hanging over my head
And I've got the feeling someone's gonna be casting that spell
Oh, woe is me,
My life is a misery,
Oh, can't you see
That I'm at the start of a pretty harsh Quidditch match,
I woke up this morning with a start when I fell out of bed

Ron: You were born three minutes ago in a colored bathtub!

Oliver: Shut up!

Ron: What did you say?

Oliver: I just told you to SHUT UP!

Ron: Don't tell me to . . .

** Oliver and Ron get in a fight, with Sienna and Pansy trying to make them stop. Draco and Kara take the opportunity to go at it on the floor while Harry surveys everything with a sataninc pouting type "look at me, I'm Briteny Spears" ish look. Suddenly, a door marked "Deep Freeze" opens and who steps out but Neville, who's musical number has been cut due to budget restraints**

Pansy: Oh, Neville, you're so sexy! Let's go at it on the floor!

Neville: **jumps on Pansy** Oh, my baby!

Harry: **eyes wide** Go - go - go away! No! You must not be here!

Neville: I'm leaving!

Pansy: Take me with you, my ravishing lover!

Neville: Don't worry baby, you're coming with me!

Harry: **holding ice pick**

Ron: Wait a tic . . . where did the ice pick come from?

Harry: What?

Ron: You heard me - you didn't have that thing two minutes ago!

Harry: Er - shut up! Now, then Neville . . . **turns to Neville**

**Insert Chase Scene Here**

Harry: Ha! Got you now!

**Insert Harry-beating-Neville-to-death-scene**

Pansy: Oh, no, NEVILLE!

Kara: **stops snogging Draco and looks up** What? What's going on?

Draco: I believe he just murdered Neville . . .

Pansy: How could you?!?

Kara: Meh.

Harry: And now, my little pretty, we shall retire to our bridal bed.

**Harry grabs Oliver and they walk towards the black, silk sheeted bed, and the others depart, leaving Sienna and Ron to be lead to their rooms by a sobbing Pansy**

(M)

Chapter 39082034B: Cherry Blaster-flavoured bean. Oh, wait, that's just a Cherry Blaster.

Sienna: Separate rooms, ehh? What kind of sick people do they think we are? Think we'd go at it in someone else's house! I mean, we're not perv-- **picks up a magazine** OOOh, Sean Astin in Playgirl! **sits down and starts to read**

(Her reading session is interrupted by a knock at the door)

Sienna: **puts down the magazine** That you, ickle Ronniekins?

Ron: Yeah! **opens the door to reveal Ron wearing Transvestite clothing and make up. His red hair dosen't look right, and tufts of black can be seen at the edges, along with a lightning bolt scar on his forehead.

Sienna: . . . wait a tick. . . **rips off wig** It's YOU!

Harry: Okay, so you found me out. . . let's go at it! **leaps on Sienna**

Sienna: NO! **pushes Harry off** You suck, Potter, get lost.

Harry: Awww, please?

Sienna: No.

Harry: Please?

Sienna: No.

Harry: Pretty please?

Sienna: Pretty no. Bug off.

Harry: . . . what if I got Sean Astin involved?

Sienna: . . . hmmmm. . . wait, I mean, no! Now get OUTTA here!

(Dr. Potter-N-Furter leaves)

(In Ron's room)

Ron: Separate rooms. . . I'm scared. . .

**knock-knock**

Ron: That you, Sin?

Sienna: Yes! **opens the door**

("Sienna" is dressed as a transvestite, with black hair amongst a tangle of auburn)

Ron: Hullo.

"Sienna": . . .

Ron: . . .

"Sienna": Err. . . how do I look?

Ron: Well. . . ehhh. . . **nervous** New hair cut? Did you lose weight?

"Sienna": **laughs** Oh, Ronniekins!!!

Ron: **pulls off wig** You DID get a new hair cut. I mean - heeey. . . It's YOU!!!

Harry: Yeah? So what; Let's make with it!

Ron: That's DISGUSTING! No!!

Harry: Why not??

Ron: Because I don't SWING that way, you pseudo-Slytherin.

Harry: **gasps** Fine, then! At least trade Chocolate Frog cards with me!

Ron: Oh, all right.

And so they trade cards.

-End of Part One-