Disclaimer: Yawl already know by now.

"You're so bloody TINY! You're like a toy-sized version of a man!"~The Demoman dominating a Scout.

Chapter 6: 'Do No Harm'

The Medic blinked twice, taking his glasses and polishing them with his coat. He placed them back on and looked at the screen. It hadn't changed. He stepped back, startled.

"Hawww!" He snapped. The Demoman let out a snicker, well aware what got the doctor freaked out.

"What's the matter sawbones?" he taunted. " 'Fraid that I'll beat ya like a Teutonic Nursemaid?"

The Medic adjusted his glasses, making a small 'hmpt'.

"If I vere vou Dummkopf, I'd be avraid of zhis." He backed up, taking out his Medigun.

The Demoman laughed. "Aye? And what about THIS?" He boasted, holding out his Eyelander.

The Medic paused. "…..schweinehund." he muttered, lifting his middle finger.

The Demoman and Medic walked toward the teleport, warm with an electric tingle. The screen showed an old, decaying mansion. All of the mercenaries felt their shoulders turn cold. Even the Heavy and Soldier shivered. The Scout's chattering teeth could be heard all over the room.

"….not a very appetizing site, is it?" The Spy remarked as politely as he could.

"Sure beats the Mann Manor." The Scout mumbled, having unpleasant memories of a certain Horsemann.

"Stage selected: Luigi's Mansion." Droned another automated voice.

Just as it said those words, the devices underneath the two mercs activated. A torch suddenly revived its spark, lighting the hollow ruin. Before them were two large, rotting doors. On each of their sides was a staircase, leading to the upper level. To the right was a gallery of sorts, the left baring a moldy kitchen. Obviously, no one's been taking good care of this place. Heck, it must've been like that for a century or two. A swirling vortex spun into existence into the top left corner of the felling mansion. The shape warped into that of Meta Knight.


The ground in the center shook, and a massive green pipe burst out of the floorboard. Luigi popped out of it, quick as a hiccup. The pipe sank into the ground, the floorboard repairing itself magically.


A swarm of pigeons slam into one-another, forming a humanoid shape. When their makeshift cloud explodes into individual birds again, in the shape's place was the Medic. All of this happened in a blink, in the bottom right section.


A faint explosion (and a pained grunt) could be heard elsewhere. Out of the left (or right, depending on one's preference) side of the screen came the Demoman, flung into his spot.


Meta Knight made the first move, sending out a high kick. The Medic leapt to the left, Luigi ducked and rolled in said direction. The bad doctor took out his Bone Saw, smacking the Star Knight with it.

~Meta Knight: 9%

Luigi leap toward the Demoman, only to be grabbed by the throat and thrown down on the floor.

~Luigi: 5%

The Cyclops made a dash for the Medic, smacking his bottle of scrumpy against his forehead. The armored short one took flight, cape splitting into wings. Meta Knight grabbed the Italian-ish plumber by the collar. He flung him into the nursery ceiling, impaled into it like a dart on a dartboard. Humorously, the wet noodle vibrated with a springy, cartoonish boing.

~Medic: 7%

The Demoman was busy laughing his head off when a crate appeared. His comrade made a dash for it, but was repelled by….needles?

Meta Knight: %12

The Medic wacked the wooden container with his saw, shattering it like glass. Inside of it was a most odd prize. It was a spherical device of somesort, red on top and white on bottom. Where the red and white met was a black line, with a silver circle at the center. The doctor held it to face, pondering as too what its purpose might be. The ball snapped open without warning, a white flash escaping from it. It landed in front of him, taking shape. When the drunken wretch was done taunting the stuck plumber, his good eye almost popped out in surprise.

A living, cyan blob bobbled into existence, barring a black tall with two goofy eyes. It stood with its arm up, almost as if it were saluting. The Demoman rubbed his eye, but the creature didn't disappear. The Medic also had the same reaction, with the same results. Didn't take long for him to realize what it was: A Pokemon. An evil grin appeared on his face. The 'Mon looked toward the doctor, then to the man he was pointing at.

"Schnell! Go gezt him!" He shouted. The blob just stood there. The Medic growled under his breath. "Move ze gear up, SCHNELL!" Again, no reaction. "Los Wieter!" The only response he got was a "Wuhhh-buffet!", followed by a salute that'd make The Soldier fume over. Actually, he just so happened to rage at how poorly it was done at that moment.

~Insert "Medic_Facepalm" here. Now Insert "Demoman_Schadenfreude_Taunt" here. ~ Okay, moving from tech-talk to normal English. While he was taunting, the man noticed something floating around: a Smash Ball. An eager grin was pasted onto his face.

"Got any new tricks up your sleeve, doc?" The Scottish man laughed. "Fetch, roll over? Well, I've got one for ya…" He paused, whacking his prize with his empty bottle. The sphere exploded into fireworks, being absorbed into the Demoman. His good eye turned a ghostly white, and the Eyelander appeared in his hands. A small shield, bearing a spike in the center, appeared as well. Oddly, it looked as though an animal chomped a good chunk of it off. The eager grin faded into corruption. "Play dead!"

The demolition expert let out a battle cry, moving at an impossible speed. He collided with the blue blob, bobbing like mad. Instead of being harmed, though, its wobbling actually threw the Demoman upwards, screaming at the top of his lungs. The sudden movement caused the nursery above to explode into splinters. If one would look closely, a few spectral blobs were broken free as well. The Scottish black Cyclops exploded into a pretty little display of light above the ruble. Speaking of it…

~Demoman: 158%, 3 lives…

A white gloved hand rocketed from the ruin, followed by the form of a green-suited plumber. The shaky man grumbled on Italian, brushing off web and dust. In front of him was Meta Knight, shaking his head. The Medic stood in disbelief at what just transpired. He shook his head, leaping upward toward the armored one. He stuck his Uber-Saw into the round warrior, pulling him down to ground level. He followed this up with another wave of needles.

~Meta-Knight: 35%

~Demoman: 0%, 2 lives….

The one-eyed man respawned, humiliated but not defeated. He landed in front of his fallen brother, using his sticky bombs to fling the bad doktor back.

~Medic: 39%


A young, round blue blur rushed through fine waves of green. He zoomed pasted flowers around his height, some twice that. Looking closer, one would see the blur to be a small mammal of sorts. A blue-furred hedgehog with white gloves and red-white shoes. The look on his face was that of an average youth: eager, energetic, looking for adventure. He's had the last part a few times, but his thirst for it still lingered. This prey has often outpaced his enemies, using their lack of speed against. One can only go so fast, though. Few rival that of light.

The world shook, nearly sending the young lad tumbling. He skidded to a stop, producing strange beeping tone along the way. When he came to a stop, he checked his soundings. Nothing of the ordinary, he shrugged and walked on. Mistake number one.

A pink wormhole with a purple/black center ripped into reality. Large, misty talons grabbed its edges, pulling out their owner. The entity was a shadowy phantom, cyan-blue eyes staring at all of existence. Along its back were wings made purely of clockwork. A small growl vibrated throughout the air as it tucked its arms in. Then, with might that'd put Chaos out of its misery, unleashed a fury of purple energy. It swallowed all in its radius as the hedgehog stopped again, this time seeing his predator. And all he could do was stand there, transfixed in fear. Mistake number two.

Back at the match….

~Luigi: 56%, 2 lives

~Medic: 95%, 2 lives

~Meta Knight: 37%, 3 lives

~Demoman: 81%, 2 lives

"Know my power!" Whispered Meta Knight as he covered the screen under his cape. Within the dark rectangle, though, a harsh white scar flashed across the screen. A choked German screech could be made out from the left side. Its owner slammed into the screen in a cartoonish fashion, glasses fracturing upon impact. He slid to his doom with a stunned and angered face, erased by the fireworks soon after. The Demoman gave a thumbs-up to his armored comrade, whom nodded. A deafening, yet silent scream roared like an earthquake in the latter's mind. He collapsed to his knees, letting out a yell. He passed out soon after, fading in a white pillar of light.

"Warning! Due to an emergency, the player has been removed from the field. A substitute will arrive in a minute." Droned a computerized voice.

The Demoman let out a "Baa!", crossing his arms. Something landed on his head, nearly cracking it open like an egg. The Scotsman stood dazed for a couple of seconds, swearing in an unusual language. He shook his head and saw his culprit: A glass cylinder of somesort. He could vaguely make out a humanoid shape in it, but he couldn't tell what it was. He grasped it, but it exploded into glass fragments. A swarm of pixelized motorbikers appeared, running over an unfortunate Luigi.

~Luigi: 167%

The Demoman followed with a swing from the bottle, sending the man flying. The poor lad exploded into fine fireworks.

"Ah, there's a new angle in Heavan,"The Demoknight began. "….In HELL!" He laughed at the end. The Medic responded with a needle-storm. One almost made contact with his good eye. "Aye! Watch it, lass!" He shouted, drawing out his bottle. A second later, a needle punctured it, releasing a web of creaks. The bottle shattered like a mirror. "…cripe." The Demoman muttered, drawing out his Grenade Launcher. "Plan B, then."

Before he could execute his plan, though, the mansion exploded into splinters and light. When the dust cleared, the mansion was in ruin. As Luigi respawned, he looked down at the destruction. He wasn't mad, though. Rather, he laughed and pointed at the rotting remain. A second later, though, an old memory reappeared, and his face became grim. Even if the mansion was an electronic illusion, the thought still gave him chills. Before he could daydream (or rather, relive nightmares), another winged figure appeared, firing an arrow at The Medic.

Luigi blinked. "Wait-a second." He muttered to himself has he fell to the dead soil. He stared at the newcomer, or at least its shadow. Where Meta Knight was round and short, this Kombatant was skinny and tall. He could've sworn he saw a sparkle of gold. The green man gulped. "Uh-oh."

Hovering above the fighters was an angelic lad, clan in a Greek-fashioned uniform. He had brown hair and young sapphire eyes. Within them was the iron of a veteran, cloaked by a child's form. He drew something from between his wings, a golden bow-and-arrow. The weapon split into two, each half revealed to be twin swords. He glared down at the doktor before descending.

"Prepare to meet the light!"

And smashing him into the ground as well. Before he could begin to dice 'im, though, an earthquake shattered the action. The lad was flung off as the roof rose, followed by the rest of the fallen mansion. The Medic used this opportunity to try out one his Special Moves. He pulled the Uber-Saw back, aiming it at the boy.

"I'm going to saw vhrough vour bones!" was all he said before he plunged it into the youngster's chest. He could fell some of his strength returning to him, absorbed from the child's. He yanked it out violently, flinging his target behind him.

~Pit: 67%, 2 lives.


Within a chamber of white were three figures: Two floating gloved hands and an armored behind. The round one looked at the right-hand, shuttering at what recently transpired.

"You felt it too, I presume?" The Star Warrior inquired.

The right hand nodded reluctantly. "Indeed. Crazy Hand nearly lost his head a moment ago as well." He paused. "Well, if either one of us had heads." He smugly added.

"I don't need ears to hear that, ya know!" Snapped a hyper, deranged voice. This belonged to the left hand. Both represented two equal, yet different powers. Master is that of order, Crazy of chaos. Yin and Yang, creation and destruction. But this force, this disruption, was not exactly either one. It felt as if, there was nothing. As if a whole coin were reduced to a molten pile of slag. Both create and destroy, but this... was neither. Both creation and destruction would bare evidence of something existing at one point. This, though, had none. It was as if everything… disappeared. As if they never existed to begin with.

"Are Palkia and Dialga at it, again?" The left Hand laughed, giggling with childish glee.

His brother made a 'mouth' shape out of himself, shaking left and right. "Nay. If they were, we would've experienced rifts in Space as well."

Crazy slopped downward, disappointed. "What about Mewtwo? Bugga left ever since the second tournament."

Again, his brother disagreed. "Even he- erm, it- doesn't have that sort of power."

The madhand paused. "Not even Ganondorf?"

The sane one shook his form. "Not even him."

As the two hands were busy exchanging ideas, Meta Knight turned his back towards them. When he, he noticed the automatic doors opening. Usually, only the higher ranking Smash Bros could pass those. Thankfully, that was the case. A short man, wearing a red shirt and blue jean overalls, stepped into the pale-white room. He bore a red cap, with an M imbedding into a white circle. He had blue eyes, brown hair, and brown mustache. This was one of the first Smash Bros, and one of the famous.

"Sorry to-a interrupt you, my-a friends, but you called me?" He greeted in an Italian accent.

Meta Knight's mask rotated a bit, mimicking how a head tilts to the side. He turned back to his employers, both of them still entrapped by their conversation of the crisis at hand. The Star Warrior let out an "ahem", and they both turned it him. It didn't take long for them to notice the plumber beside him.

"Ah, hello Mario." Said Master Hand.

The plumber smiled. "What would it be-a this time?"

Both levitated in silence. Finally, Crazy broke the silence.

"Well, it sure ain't unclogging toilets." He laughed nervously. Mario raised an eyebrow. Normally, he'd be full of energy. This time, though, the hand didn't. He knew instantly something was wrong.

"I-a suppose Bowser has nothing to do with this?"

Master Hand shook his form. "No. He doesn't have the intellect or power to do this sort of damage."

"And what kinda damage would that-a be?"

MH paused. "The disappearance of an entire universe."

Mario's eyeball popped out, making them look like eggs. "WHAT!? Which one!"

Again, silence. "Riddle me this: What's as blue as the ocean, but has a strong dislike for it?"

Mario placed a hand on his chin. After a minute, he finally got an idea, then the idea became fear. His mouth nearly dropped. "You mean…"

"Sadly, this not a joke."

Mario bowed his head. "And I-a suppose that I'm to find out what happened to him?"

His empolyers nodded. "You're one of the only people here he could really trust. The two of you have been friendly rivals since the Olympics."

Mario thought for a second. "What-a 'bout the Mushroom Kingdom? Who's gonna look after it?"

Master flipped himself around, mimic a mouth. More specifically, a smile. He returned to his normal state. "Luigi will stand guard until you return."

Mario sighed in relief. "Okay, when do I go?"

Master Hand laughed. As soon as he did, the plumber vanished into a white light. All that remained was the echo of his surprised scream.

Crazy hand laughed." Ya think he'd really stand guard? He'd run for the hills the moment Bowser arrives!"

If Master Hand could, he'd have grinned like a wolf. "True, but he won't have anywhere to run and hide. Like a cornered animal, he'll be left with no choice but to defend himself."

Crazy Hand took the "Walking Hand" shape, shrugging his makeshift arms. "Meh, good point."

Back to the fight at hand…

~ Medic: 109%, 0 Lives

~Pit: 23%, 1 Life

~Demoman: 54%, 0 Lives

~Luigi: 230%, 0 Lives

It happened fast. One moment, the Demoman sent Luigi flying, finally finishing him off. The next, Pit vanished in a golden flash. His eyes nearly popped like balloons.

"Again!?" He snapped. "Did they just desert us?!"

The Medic, removing an arrow imbedded in his knee (DON'T EVEN THINKABOUT BRINGING THAT FAD UP! D:), looked at his friendly rival. "Zeems zhat vay." He muttered. So caught up was the Cyclops that he didn't notice the Smash Ball nearby. Taking this opportunity, the doctor fired some needles at it. Exploding into liquid silver and fancy light, the Medic felt a newfound power within him. It reminded him of the various Uber-charges he used. Speaking of them, that's exactly what was happening. Only difference, though, as the extent of its power.

The German Merc felt himself being lifted into the air. He turned and twisted to his that his backpack was a strange fusion of his Medigun and Kritzkrieg. The devices used for refilling his allies' HP were attached to each sides of the pack, giving off a faint mist. In all, the Medigun was now a jet pack. And speaking of it, the Uber-charge was deployed, using both the Medigun's invincibility and the Kritzkrieg's Crits. The Medic didn't attempt to hide his glee.

"Wunderbar!" he cackled darkly.

The Demoman's good eye twitched at the sudden change in the tide. This left him open for an uppercut from his opponent.

~Demoman: 179%, 0 Lives

He managed to grab the roof before he was flung off-screen. His destroyer, though, wasn't far behind. An idea came into his hollow head the moment the German appeared. It was risky as hell, though. Made Edgar Poe look sane, actually. He slipped through the roof and down into the main floor. During the fall, he deployed a number of Sticky Bombs. Just as he predicted, the doktor fell from above as well, intent on squishing him like a bug. The Scottsman grinned, though. Just as the enemy fist was about to make contact with him, he rolled forward. As he did so, he pushed the trigger. He could hear the madman scratch like a drow as he was sent flying off the stage. Unfortunately, so was the black Cyclops.

Instead of hearing the usual, energetic male voice ring, there was a new voice. One that none of the mercenaries heard for a while.

"YOU'VE FAILED! STALEMATE!" Screeched a strict, demanding voice, belong to an old lady. All present, even the Spy, were shocked. That voice belonged to the announcer from RED and BLU's wars. The screen changed as the voiceclip was activated, showing a drunken Demoman lying on the ground. He could be heard muttering something about an ass, grass, and punk. The Medic was seen facepalming.

"Ach, was ist los?" He muttered under his breath.

The two were transported back to the training room, exhausted. The Medic fell to his knees, soon his hands as well. Speaking of them, a rather large one reached out for him, offering aid. The German grasped it, pulled up by a sudden force. It was obvious who it belonged to. As the Russian giant pulled his partner back on his feet, the Scout rushed to the teleporter.

"Oh yeah!" He laughed. "Now we're talking!"

~Entering stasis mode.~ Drone the computer. ~Will resume functionality after 24 hours.~

The Boston boy's joy broke into tiny pieces, replaced by surprised rage.

"What?!" He snapped. "You've gotta be kiddin' me!"

"Nuts and bolts' got a point, boy." The Engineer replied. "Some of us can hardly stand up straight after our matchs." He pointed towards the Pyro, lying on his back at one the benches. Its limbs dangled like broke braches of a dying tree. Hardhat placed a hand on the baseball player's shoulder, despite their difference in height. "Don't worry, that beauty ain't goin' nowhere." He chuckled.

The Scout sighed, and then left the room with his other teammates. All that remained were The Engi, The Sniper, The Spy, and The Heavy. They all stood in silence until the hairless bear spoke up.

"So," He began wearily. "You sense trouble too."

The three nodded. The Sniper spent enough time hunting in the outback to notice even the slightest change. The Russian from his days in boot camp, the Spy from his assassinations. While the Texan dealt with machines, he's had enough enemy Spies sap his own.

"That machine shouldn't have broken down like that. I think someone pulled the plug. Only question is, why?" The bald shorty inquired. His French collage rolled his eyes.

"Isn't it obvious? Ze earthquake from moments before." He replied.

That was when the Sniper stepped in. "You mean before Metal Head lost his marbles."

The Spy nodded. The Medic and Demoman never felt it in the match, but minutes ago the place was knocked off balance. The four remember the Pyro being flung into the arms of a statue earlier. What was even odder was that it happened around the time Meta Knight left. It was obvious that something was wrong, REALLY wrong.

"Well, as fascinating the subject is, I believe that we should retire. Agreed?" The Spy said. All present nodded, heading to their individual chambers. As the Spy entered his chair, he spotted a bookshelf by his bed. Looks like the order he made before the matches came in. He walked over to it, looking over a few of them. One in peculiar caught his attention: Sherlock Holmes: The Awakened.

The cover bore the world's greatest detective, smoking from a pipe. That wasn't what caught his attention, though. There, in the blue shadows of the background, was a fleshy skull-like face. It bore pricing, malevolent pale ocean-blue eyes, burning into the readers' souls. He could make out tentacles slithering down the monster's neck, and in the background as well. One was looming over Holmes' back. It took the infiltrator a moment to deduce the being's identity.

Logic VS madness, now this should be interesting. The French man thought. In the other chambers, his comrades were fast asleep.

12 hours later…

The Australian yawned, rising from his bed. He couldn't remember the last time he slept. Maybe he should've followed his old Medic's advice back from Gravel Pit after all. Too bad he's not with his old team anymore. Ah well, that was the life of a mercenary. As he stepped out of his room, he bumped into something. He tilted his hat up, noticing something round and glassy in his way. He backed up, now seeing the obstacle in full. It was a camera, floating by some means. No wait; there was a sting above it. The bushman looked upward, to see a fluffy white cloud with a cartoonish face. On top of it was a goggles-wearing turtle, hold a fishing stick. At the end of it was the camera. Caught by the strange appearance, the Sniper backhanded the sight.

"Ooof!" Grunted the rider. "Watch it, this is expensive equipment!"

Now it was the headhunter's turn to shout. "Now where the bloody hell did you come from?"

He heard angry shouting, and turned to see The Soldier raging at a copy of the turtle.

"Allow me to introduce ourselves," The first cloud-sitter spoke. "We are the Lakitu Bros, seasoned cameramen."

"And would you kindly explain why you numbnuts decided to invade our privacy!?" The Soldier whouted in the background.

The twins left their subjects, joining together between them.

"We were called here to interview you fellows." The second one chirped. "It's something we've always done with new Smash Bros."

At the sound of "interview", the Scout rushed pasted the Soldier, knocking him over like a domino. The man let out a typhoon of swearing and cursing, though the boy was oblivious to them.

"Interview, moi? Why didn't chya say so earlier?" he boasted. The Soldier waltz up to him, giving him the middle finger. The turtles laughed at the reaction of both.

"Alrighty," Said the first. "We go live in ten mintutes."

The Scout dashed past the drill Sargent, running him over.

"Dammit boy!" He sneered as the Sniper helped him up. Far away from the scene, the Demoman laughed at the show. Beside him the Pyro jumped up and down, giggling as it clapped its hands.

"Ya know what they say, lad: Light, Camera, Action." He said.

The Pyro stopped jumping about, and pulled out a small orange-red device. Obliviously, it was the Flaregun. It pointed the weapon at the turtles. The Scottish man knew what was coming. He tried to stop it, but the madman already fired. Lucky, the brothers scattered before it passed them. Unfortunately, the flare it someone else instead.

"My fleash! It BURNS!" Cried a certain large merc.

The Pyro took out a digital camera, though from where's in question. It snapped a photo of the Heavy rolling around on the floor, laughing at the sight. The Demoman smacked it in the back of its head, releasing a stream of muffles swears.

"Not like that, ya halfwit!" The black Scottish Cyclops snapped. The Pyro looked at the camera, then back the Demoman, then hid the device behind its back. The thing laughed nervously as the demolitions expert sighed as he facepalmed.

AN: That's right folks; it's here at long last. I blame high school for it being late, though. D: