Hey, there. I just recently got into Hetalia and my friend decided to get me an early Christmas present. She wrote this in an hour, and I am deeply proud of her.
WARNING: THIS IS COMPLETE AND UTTER CRACK.
On that note, please enjoy. :)
My name is Gilbird. No space, just one word.
Anyway….If you haven't noticed me before, I'm the 'hat' that always sits upon Gilbert's head. Also I would like to state that if you haven't noticed me before then you are a complete imbecile. (Yes, this statement includes Gilbert.)
I'm currently perched atop Gilbert's head while he walks through town. He's completely oblivious to my presence. I don't know how but he is. Oh there was this one time I ate some really spicy chili seeds and had the shits. I kept 'relieving' myself all over his shoulder to which he blamed some nearby sparrows sitting on a power line. What an idiot.
Enough about my bowel movements however, for I am trying to keep my balance on the silver hair under my feet as I shudder at the thoughts running through my head. Oh, didn't I mention before? I can read the thoughts of the idiot I'm perched on. And boy the things he thinks of. Currently I'm perturbed by the image that he's painting with his poorly educated brain. Just what is the moron below me thinking?
Leudwig in a speedo. A tri colored, German flag, speedo!
I just hope we get to the party soon. I don't know how much more I can take. His thoughts make me want to find the nearest bird bath and scrub myself until my feathers fall off.
Oh, thank God in heaven above, we're here.
Gilbert opens the door to the already full room. Almost everyone must have been there. Oh, did I also fail to mention that his thoughts just got about ten times worse? Ok, this has to stop or I'm going to go bat shit crazy. As Gilbert made his way through the crowd and over to a table filled with snacks of all origins, he bumped into the idol of his previous thoughts. The blonde haired German swung around, a rather angry look on his face as there was punch all down the front of his uniform. Oh no, it looks like he pissed himself. How embarrassing. Wait! That gave me a brilliant idea. Maybe Gilbert would stop these thoughts if I embarrassed him enough in front of his…..objects of lust….. I just cringed inwardly at that last part.
"Oh, hello Leudwig. I'm terribly sorry for bumping into you I…"
Ok, now's my chance to cut him off. I interrupted Gilbert before he could get any further, time to put my plan into action.
"I was just picturing you in a rather fetching speedo…but so I can live out my fantasy fully in my sick deprived mind would you mind telling me which side you press your massive package to?"
His face….. Was. Priceless. Leudwig was starting wide eyed at Gilbert who had clamped his hands over his own mouth. The idiot actually thought he had spoken his own thoughts. Moron. He opened his mouth again, probably to apologize for his deprived thoughts. However I jumped in again.
"Also, would you mind telling me if you go….Brazilian. Oh please tell me you do because I find it ever so attractive."
Have you ever seen a German soldier run? Well if you hadn't then you couldn't imagine the speed at which he exited the scene. Leudwig looked as though he flew out of the room, his blonde hair turning around the corner the only evidence that he had been in the room.
What happened next, you ask?
Everyone in the room was staring at Gilbert who was standing in the middle of the room, hand covering his mouth and face red as a beet. Oh, this was fun. Gilbert slowly lowered his hand from his mouth, making sure nothing came out before opening it. Oh…I'll let him speak, just or shits and giggles.
"Really, I didn't say…what I mean is, I didn't mean to say those things because I was actually thinking…"
WOAH, stop right there. My turn.
"I was actually thinking that there isn't anything sexier than a Canadian dressed only in a maple leaf. Matthew I'm talking to you, you sexy beaver you!"
Once again, Gilbert slapped his hands over his mouth and his eyes went wide. If it was any more possible I'd say he got redder. Poor boy, but he shouldn't be thinking such horrid things with me on his head. "I-I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me…" He tried to apologize once more before I quickly cut him off.
"All I know is….Alfred…..America… HE'S MY HERO!" The last three words were said in the most suggestive voice I could muster, seeing as I was about to piss myself with laughter. Gilbert was about to have a heart attack, I could feel his pulse under my feet and it was pulsing so fast I'm pretty sure it could break the land-speed record.
"Guys, really…I don't know where this is coming from but….well I'm not thinking about that right now I swear. I can't believe…"
Here we go again. "I can't believe it's taken me so long to realize that I could eat you guys up. Kiku, I've always longed for you to feed me some of your famous sticky rice, if you know what I mean…. And Arthur….I'd love to butter that delicious crumpet of yours."
I could feel him starting to wobble. His thoughts were getting racier and racier as the time passed, was he ever going to stop this nonsense so he could get on with his life? Oh, new thought. Looks like we're at it again. I wasn't even going to give him time to speak anymore, he was either going to cease and desist these thoughts or blush until his ears bled. Either way I'm getting some of that sushi on the table afterwards, it looked delicious.
"Heracles, your body, sculpted like that of the Gods from your homeland. I never knew marble came in flesh tones but if you'll permit me I would love to run my hands over you and memorize every chisel mark on your body. And speaking of monuments….Francis…I never knew the Eiffel tower was so….big!"
Gilbert was about to pass out. He was wobbling more, the red tint on his cheeks giving way to a greenish looking hue. As he wobbled, Feliciano stepped forward. He looked oblivious to everything said throughout the last ten minutes and more worried about Gilbert's condition than anything.
"Gilbert….are you ok? Would you like some pastaaaa?" He asked with a wide smile on his face. Oh the naïve imbecile.
"Oh yes….please. Al dente…I like it a little hard….and full of your delicious alfredo sauce." That did it. Gilbert hit the floor but not before I flew off of his head. All of the men were looking at him in complete shock and horror. I feel I've made my point and with my mission completed….I'm going to get some sushi.