by ~Doctor Lia

Rule #1: Never let suspects stay together.
Rule #1: Never screw over your partner
Rule #2: Always wear gloves at a crime scene
Rule #3: Don't believe what you're told. Double check
Rule #3: Never be unreachable
Rule #4: If you have a secret, the best thin is to keep it to yourself. The second-best is to tell one other person if you must. There is no third-best
Rule #7: Always be specific when you lie
Rule #8: Never take anything for granted
Rule #9: Never go anywhere without a knife
Rule #12: Never date a co-worker
Rule #15: Always work as a team
Rule #18: It's better to seek forgiveness than ask permission
Rule #22: Never, ever bother Gibbs in interrogation
Rule #23: Never mess with a Marine's coffee if you want to live
Rule #38: Your case your lead

Unofficial Rule A: Never say apologise, as it's a sign of weakness.
Unofficial Rule B: We don't believe in coincidence.
Unofficial Rule C: But we do believe in bad luck.
Unofficial Rule D: Don't speak geekspeak, speak English.
Unofficial Rule E: Headslap only the back of your underlings' heads: anything else would be demeaning (Gibbs once said a slap on the face was humiliating, whereas a cuff to the back of the head was a wakeup call).
Unofficial Rule F: Always anticipate
Unofficial Rule G: Know how to do every job that your underlings can do (this rule falls down if one your underlings happens to be Tim McGee, but we would all get a good laugh watching Gibbs trying to hack into the CIA's computers)
Unofficial Rule H: If a computer doesn't work, hit it.
Unofficial Rule I: Always acknowledge good work by underlings.
Unofficial Rule J: When using Truth by Intimidation, always remain silent for at least a count of 5 after doing the act of intimidation, at which point the canary will sing.
Unofficial Rule K: When in the interrogation room, stop the recording devices when the information strays into personal matters irrelevant to the investigation (e.g., don't ask/don't tell rules for gay Marines, revelations of unrequited love)
Unofficial Rule L: When your cell phone breaks, have DiNozzo "fix" it (unwrap a new one from the supply drawer)
Unofficial Rule M: Always ask for permission to touch the body: it belongs to the (Ducky has been known to get stroppy if anyone spoils his crime scene, he reportedly threw somebody off a cliff).
Unofficial Rule N: When doing a shootout, don't kill the hostage and avoid shooting off their ear.
Unofficial Rule O: Don't call Ziva 'Ma'am' and don't call Jenny 'Madam Director', if you want to live.
Unofficial Rule P: When hacking the CIA, give underlings a get out of jail free pass.
Unofficial Rule Q: When breaking others' rules, do not get caught.
Unofficial Rule R: If you want to gain access to a secure area to investigate, carry a cup of coffee and some paperwork and act like you belong.
Unofficial Rule S: Never, ever (ever) get Ziva angry.


1. NEVER, EVER LIE TO ABBY! (And if you're going to be a bad person and lie to Abby, DO NOT BE A BAD LIAR!)
2. Remember her birthday. :heart:
3. Treat the team as family: desertion not permitted.
4. Scientists do not rely on luck.
5. Gibbs' gut is allowed to be lucky because he is not a scientist.
6. Don't forget to defrag your computer.
7. Trust the evidence.
8. Trust Gibbs.
9. Dress codes are for other people. ;p
10. Be kind to your equipment./ Always have a reserve -(Caff-Pow)
11. Be happy. :D
12. Never ask for an assistant(chip).


1. When in doubt, speak geek.
2. When colleagues insist that the characters in your book are based on them, repeat the word "fiction" as many times as possible.
3. When the computers don't work and the computer technicians won't work, fix them yourself.
4. Always speak the truth.
5. Always be respectful and polite, no matter what the provocation.
6. Take all possible opportunities to get the revenge of the nerd, whilst maintaining very polite language.
7. Use vocabulary and implacable will to intimidate the person you interrogate.
8. Be willing to stand up to gangleaders, by using your height to stare down upon them.
9. Don't ask, so that they won't have to tell.
10. Avoid heights.


1. Never date a woman who eats more than you.
2. Never sit on the sidelines when your people need you.
3. If a sexually attractive female is involved in the case ALWAYS hit on her.
4. Never underestimate your opponent.
5. Always seek out a movie analogy.
6. Take every opportunity to do a Tommy Lee Jones speech from the Fugitive.
7. When doing Tommy Lee Jones impressions, get the accent right.
8. Always defuse a situation with humour rather than resorting to authoritarianism.
9. Always make sure your work is done but make it look like you are just lazing around.
10. If said work is not yet done, come back in the middle of the night to complete it.
11. Do not fall in love when working undercover.
12. Do not go undercover posing as the boyfriend of anyone.
13. Be very careful whom you tongue-kiss: it might be a man in disguise.
14. Never pick on a probie when he is down.
15. Maintain the morale of the rest of the team, even when you have sufficient experience to be really very worried about Gibbs.
16. Develop a firstname working relationship with the Director but defer to Gibbs.


1. If it annoys you, kill it.
2. Attack first, ask questions later.