Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds. Nor do I own Seether, or any rights to their song "FMLYHM". I will say though, that you should all go listen to it. Because, I feel like it fits this Fic pretty perfectly.
Author's Note: I'm not really sure where this came from. I don't know if it came from listening to the song, or I listened to the song because of it. Either way, it now has over fifty plays in my iTunes, just from the past two days, because I listened to it pretty much the whole time I was writing this.
I guess you could call this a sequel of sorts to "With Eyes Wide Open" although it isn't really intended to be. You don't have to read WEWO, but if you already have, your mind will probably make the unconscious connection. Mine did, and I wrote them both. ;)
Enjoy, my lovelies.
"I hate you." She whispered, so low I was sure I had misheard it.
"Evening to you, too, sweetheart." I said, smirking slightly and backing out of the way so she could step through the door.
Her eyes flashed with a hurt I had never seen before, and as she closed the door behind herself and leaned back onto it, I wondered what had brought her here tonight.
"I hate you." She said again, and this time there was no mistaking the pain in her voice, or in her eyes.
She stepped towards me, and it took all my strength not to back away from her, when I saw that look on her face.
"What are you doing here, then?" I asked, wishing my voice wasn't shaking.
"I'm here," she said simply, "to ruin you."
"To ruin me?" I asked, unsure of what she meant.
"To ruin you." She repeated. "The way you ruined me."
I had no idea what she was talking about, and I opened my mouth to tell her as much. But before I could get that first word out, I was caught between her and the wall. Rather than think about just what she was doing, I found myself comparing the unyielding quality of the wall to the way her body melted against mine. How there were parts of my back that didn't touch the wall at all, but there wasn't a part of her body that wasn't pressed against mine.
Maybe it was instinct. Maybe I was just realizing how long I had wanted to. Maybe it just seemed like the right thing to do. Whatever the reason, my lips were against hers for the briefest of moments.
She pulled back just as fast as she'd pushed me against this wall, the pain in her eyes unfathomable.
"No." She said, yanking me towards her, and leading me to my bedroom. I was beginning to wonder just what she had in store for me. I knew, just the same as I knew my name, that whatever she wanted tonight, I was going to give to her.
She turned and pushed me down, so I was sitting on the edge of my bed. She pushed her chin up slightly, indicating that she wanted me further back, so I scooted back, wary of her next move. She put her hands on my shoulders, and threw one leg over me, so that she was practically sitting on my lap. Her mouth was on my neck, my shoulder, my ear. Everywhere but where I wanted it most.
I leaned up, trying once again to capture her lips with mine, but she pushed me down before I could. She braced her arms as if she were going to move off of me, but my legs were around her waist before she had begun to move. I wanted to be sure she wasn't going to. I wanted her.
"What did you say?" She asked me, surprise momentarily becoming the primary emotion on her face.
I hadn't meant to say it out loud, but even as I thought about it I knew it was true. And if it would keep that hurt out of her eyes for even a second more, I would tell her until she believed me, or until she asked me to stop. Whichever came first.
"I want you." I leaned up and whispered it against her ear. I felt her relax against me and my heart began to race as I let myself realize just exactly what I wanted. I wanted her beneath me, responding to the way I wanted to touch her. I wanted to make her lose control.
I put my hands on her hips and flipped her gently onto her back, trapping her hands above her head with my left, and sliding my right hand up her side. Looking at her, looking up at me, completely vulnerable and unsure of herself, I knew what I wanted most. I wanted to kiss her. I wanted her to let me kiss her. I wanted to show her that I wasn't going to take advantage of her. I don't know why I wanted that, but I was sure she needed it. She may have come here to "ruin me" and she may be acting tough, but the look on her face right then was something I had never seen there before, and I wanted it gone.
I angled my lips over hers and leaned down slowly, keeping my eyes on hers. She lifted her chin slightly, just enough to convince me that my mouth on hers was welcome. But just before my lips touched hers, she ripped her hands from mine and pushed me off of her.
"No. You don't get to." She said, sitting up and pushing me back down.
"Don't get to what?" I asked, reaching up and pushing her hair out of her eyes. "Don't get to touch you? Don't get to enjoy myself? Don't get to help you enjoy yourself?"
She leaned into my hand and closed her eyes for a moment, but when she opened them again the vulnerability was gone from her face and her eyes were hard.
"Oh, I'll enjoy this." She leaned over me once more, dragging her teeth down my ear lobe. "Don't worry." she whispered, "You will, too."
I shivered under her as she trailed her nails down my stomach. Her mouth, hot and wet, followed her hands and as her hands slid over my thighs, my mind went to the only plausible place it could, and my fingers wound their way into her hair.
I wanted to look into her eyes when she touched me, and she gave me that privilege. I arched into her as she pushed my knees apart with her elbows. To my surprise, her eyes fluttered closed as her fingers slid easily into me.
Aside from that first moment, there was nothing gentle about it. And I realized that I had known even before that there wouldn't be. I found, though, that I didn't care in the least. If this was what she wanted, then she would have it. Because, even more than I wanted to kiss her, I wanted to give her what she wanted.
Her voice was unsure, for the first time that night when she spoke, so softly that I barely heard it. "Say my name."
I looked into her eyes, knowing I was close, and sure she knew it, too.
"Kiss me." I replied, even as my eyes fluttered shut.
She went just a bit deeper, and curled her fingers, and it didn't matter that she had asked, because nothing I could do would have kept her name from falling off my lips.
"Emily, Emily, Emily."
She withdrew from me, and my arms went around her neck so that she couldn't leave. I didn't want her to leave. Not yet. Not ever.
She looked down at me, her eyes dark, her face unreadable. She tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear, the most gentle she had been with me all night. Slipping that same hand behind my neck as the other rested on my hip, she gave me the only thing I had wanted all night. She kissed me. She slid her tongue against mine, and my hands tangled in her hair. I could have gotten used to it, the feel of her against me, the taste of her mouth. I was certain I would miss it when it was gone.
And it was gone much too soon.
She was pushing off of me, using her hands to pull my arms apart, so that she could escape my hold on her. I reached for her and she shook her head.
"No, Jennifer. You don't get to." She said again, and she was gone.
And this time I understood. I understood what she had meant when she told me she was here to ruin me the way I had ruined her. I knew why she wouldn't kiss me. Because kissing me, would mean getting close to me. Close in a way that just fucking couldn't achieve. I didn't get to be close to her, because she didn't get to be close to me.
I rolled over and shut my eyes against the tears that were threatening to fall. I understood the pain in her eyes, because now, it was in mine, too. I understood that, because I was leaving, I would probably never get to see her again.
No, Jennifer. You don't get to.
Her words rang through my head once more, and I summed up everything she had been trying to tell me, in one sentence.
I don't get to have her.
I couldn't have her. Because she didn't get to have me.
Aww. Smutty angst. My kinda thing.
So, you know what I really want?
Some reviews. :)