Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, I tried to convince people I was Rowling but *shudders* the lawyers man, don't mess with the lawyers!

This is dedicated to Vithian, FanofBellaandEdward, and The-Lady-Smaell. Their insanity keeps my mind delightfully deranged... even if they threaten to feed me to the Giant Squid... yes I'm looking at you Vithian! O.o


Everyone was grim after the events at the Ministry when Voldemort had revealed himself. At the end of term the group walked towards the carriages without their usual laughter.

"We've got something that he hasn't got," Harry said to the D.A. members.

He had spent much time thinking about this, his eyes lit up, and the others saw a frankly inspiring expression on Harry's face.

"Oh? What's that?"

Harry looked powerfully out at them once more "Hair." He said in a solemn tone.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

The final battle was upon Hogwarts. Factions of students and teachers alike stood ready, bodies trembling with adreneline. This was it. This would decide it all.

Harry stood as the students milled about nervously, his own mind was stuck on one phrase. The one with the power to defeat the dark lord has a power the dark lord knows not.

Harry's expression was grim. He looked out on all the far-too-young faces looking at him for a miracle.

Yes. It had to be done.

"Are you sure this will work Potter?" Draco Malfoy asked out of the corner of his mouth

Harry smiled at the crowd in general "Have I ever come up with a stupid plan before?"

The pair stood tall and walked towards the forbidden forest, step by step towards their doom.

"Do you really want me to answer that? Lets see, there was the time where you decided to go play with a deadly basilisk and kill a book? How about the whole dragon fiasco a couple of years ago?"

"You forgot about the Aragog incident in the Dark Forest 2nd year."

"…Wait what the bloody hell is an Aragog?"

"…. Never mind."

"You've doomed us all haven't you Potter?"

"No, this'll work, just have faith." Harry whispered to him "It's time. It's been nice knowing you Malfoy."

"Likewise I'm sure." Malfoy said squaring his shoulders

They were at the edge of the Forbidden Forest, a lone centaur stood among the fringe of trees "Mars is bright tonight." He said before galloping off

Harry took out a pad of paper and scribbled something down swiftly 'Invest in Mars Bars.'

Death Eaters took his place, advancing in their long dress-like robes., the front guard had a vaguely alien mask.

Harry regarded them solemnly before holding out his hand in a sort of salute "Take me to your leader!"

They were swarmed by the cloaked figures and suddenly deposited before the intimidating figure of Lord Voldemort.

Dum Dum Dum Duuuum Dum Dum Duuuu Dum Dum The dark theme music played through the grove.

"Well well Potter, tried to make my job easy?" He hissed down at the sprawled boys

"No. I've been thinking Tom. If I may call you Tom?"

"No." The Dark lord hissed

"Anyhow Tom, I've been trying to figure out what power we have that you don't. Then it came to me."

Harry stood up offering a hand up to Draco

"If you say 'Love' one more time…." The dork lord whispered

"No. Something far scarier than that." Draco said

BOOM BOOM the forest resonated with the sound of war drums.

The Death Eaters twitched nervously

"And that is?" Voldmort asked with scorn utterly unshaken

Draco raised an eyebrow at Harry, Harry grinned wickedly before drawing the blonde into his arms and snogging the life out of him.

There was a solidarity among the Death Eaters, a deep and abiding sense of WTF.

BOOM BOOM the drums repeated

Harry pulled out of the embrace to look over at Voldemort and said the words

"Yaoi Fangirls."

BOOM BOOM

Suddenly a chant was heard flowing from the forest, seeming in every direction accompanied by a tramping of boots. "YAOI YAOI YAOI!"

Draco pointed his wand at his own throat and cast a sonorous "LADIES. I'D LOVE TO TAKE POTTER OFF TO THE CASTLE FOR A QUICK, PWP, LEMONY, SHAG. BUUUUUT THIS MAN SEEMS TO BE TRYING TO STOP US!"

Voldemort froze, his pale face going orange (because it just couldn't get any more white) He knew the horror these boys just called upon…. and the fatality rate of being between the Fangirl and their prey.

Every little shard of his soul shriveled up and he screamed making a run for it.

It was too late for that.

Far too late.

"GET HIM!" the mob cried

Draco and Harry stood back wincing at what the creatures could do… they didn't know a bloke could be bent that way. As they stood watching the "Pretzel formerly known as Voldemort" being fed to the giant squid they heard the castle cheer.

"So Potter, how about that shag I promised them?" Draco whispered


AN: Cookies to anyone who got the alien, Darth Vader, or "Artist Formerly Known as Prince" references.

Hope you enjoyed my brain vomit :D