I couldn't help it. I didn't know what I was doing. Something other than myself made me do it. I didn't… I didn't mean to… I think I hurt him.
What was I supposed to do! He was flailing, all crazy and hot, I couldn't think of anything else to do. He smelled incredible. He smelled just like his scarf, but twenty times that. I think I tried to go in again partly because of his smell. But he didn't- I thought… I thought that he actually liked it. I don't know what made me do it. I want to feel him in between my arms, completely encased. I just want to hold him close and smell him and just feel him, but he… he is so…
I'm too fucking impulsive, I probably screwed up every chance I ever had to actually get that to be a possibility.
What the hell am I thinking? Azimio would kick my ass- there is no possibility and I'm not… I'm not like that or anything anyway. It's just Hummel. It's only Hummel. He's a girl. A feminine fruity fuck and I just screwed around with him like I would with any girl.
But, he didn't act really girly in the… in the locker room, you know? He was so aggressive and so close to me. His voice was so demanding and forceful, and I just- It got to me. I wanted that so badly.
I thought that he… I thought that he would be all over it. I thought I was the only person… you know… at the school, so he would try and get as much as he could. He pushed me away and I couldn't stand the look on his face. Like he was disgusted. Like I was the loser. He used to fear me, he used to flinch whenever he sees me. Now he's not afraid in the least. I mean seriously. What the hell. I can't have that be what Azimio sees when he gets back, he'll be all suspicious.
And when he threw me off of his boyfriend or whatever that little queer was, I felt bad. I upset him. I didn't want to upset him, I want to take care of him.
No. No I don't want to take care of him. I don't. I want him to pay for what he did to me! It's all his fault that I'm thinking about this stuff! He totally turned me! I can turn myself back! He needs to know that I'm still the boss and he can't throw me around! I will punch him! I will slushie him, I'll pretend like nothing ever happened because nothing did happen!
And that guy. That curly-haired fuck that Kurt brought around. What the hell was he doing, talking to me in public about that kind of stuff? I'm not even like that, and he comes around saying that I'm not alone or anything. I am alone. Kurt hates me, I barely know this fag, and my parents would… they'd disown me…. But that's fine, because I'm- I'm not…
I'll admit that I like… that Kurt is like a special case. I mean, he's basically a girl, so it's not really different. Not really. No, it's not different at all from finding a girl hot. Nope.
Goddammit, I am going to shove him every time I see him. I can't- I'm not getting close to him. I'll push him, I'll get him away from me so I can clear my head.
What a fag.
So this was just my immediately after the episode take on everything, I have an actual story in the works, so… this is probably just the thought process behind it. At least we don't have to wait two whole weeks again! Though by that time, I'll probably have gotten myself nice and obsessed with Harry Potter for the release of DH part one.
But yea. What errr.
Expect more Karofsky angst fics. I'm having fun with this one.