It's Alright That It's Not OK
Kurt was picking at his salad in a corner booth of the local diner. It could have been the most delicious meal ever but he didn't care. For the past day since the Karofsky incident he was just not right. Sure Kurt had been feeling down and depressed for a while. Life was just giving him a shitty hand with his dad's heart attack and the typical school bullying. Though how he was feeling now was different. It wasn't sad; it was just a persistent empty feeling.
"Are you going to eat that or just move your food around," Blaine asked jerking him out of his trance.
Kurt became aware of how anti-social he was unintentionally being, "I'm working on it."
Blaine just gave him a look that was a mix of sympathy and pity, "Do you want to talk?"
"I do," Kurt said. "I just don't know where to begin." He took in a breath. "I just don't want to…" Kurt dragged off not knowing what to say. He wanted to say "scare you off," but that was far too familiar; or "make myself think you're the only one I can talk to," but that was too scary of a fact for him to admit.
"It's fine," Blaine responded. "I'm just here for you if you want to talk."
"I didn't want to kiss him," Kurt blurted out. There was no reason for subtleties. "I feel like anyone else I would talk to would just assume that I'd be into any guy who would have me. It's not as if gay guys are a dime-a-dozen at McKinley." Kurt could feel the tears stinging the backs of his eyes, but he knew if he stopped now he would never finish. "I never thought he would kiss me. I was just trying to stand up for myself"
"Did it make you question yourself," Blaine asked gently, thinking his new found friend might be doubting his sexuality after just having kissed a man for the first time.
"No," Kurt said decidedly. "I've known who I was since I was five. It just wasn't how I wanted my first kiss to be. I wanted magic and stars and fairytales. Instead I got Karofsky." Kurt looked sadly away for a moment. "I just felt so attacked. There I was telling someone off and the next thing you know he's kissing me." Kurt could feel the tears start to silently roll down his cheeks, "To some people, someone just kissing you without your consent isn't a big deal. Kissing someone you don't like isn't a big deal, but to me it was. There are so many worse things than some guy just kissing you that I shouldn't be complaining. It should just be ok and move on." Kurt started quietly sobbing, like how he did when he was younger right after his mom died and he didn't want his dad to hear him in the next room.
Blaine switched sides of the booth and took Kurt into his arms, "But it's not ok. No one has the right to touch you without your consent."
Kurt just kept crying, "For those moments I was so scared. He's so big and look at me; he could have done anything he wanted and I wouldn't have been able to do much to change it. I just feel like I'm so empty and ruined now."
"You're not ruined," Blaine assured him. "Yes, something bad did happen to you. Yes, you're not going to be fine for a while. But that's ok. It's only natural that after something like that you don't feel right, but the key is that you have to overcome it."
"Do you really think I'm that strong," Kurt asked, almost not wanting to know Blaine's answer.
Blaine looked his straight in the eye, "I do. It's not easy coming out in conservative Ohio, but you did it. You've been bullied for years, but you still keep going back to school. I don't know you that well Kurt, but when I first saw you, I noticed the way you carried yourself instantly. It was confident, like you owned any room you walked into, even if you were just spying on us."
Kurt gave a weak smile and wiped some of the tears away. "I just don't know how I'm going to feel whole again."
"You will," Blaine promised him. "Eventually this will just become a part of you. It'll be a part you don't want to think about and you'll bury down deep, but there will come a point that when you think back on it, your thought will be 'Wow, that sucked, but I am so much stronger for it.' It'll only be a defining moment in your life if you let it."
Kurt nodded his head, "I suppose you're right."
"Besides, that doesn't count as a first kiss. A proper first kiss should be magic and stars and fairytales. And you, Kurt Hummel, deserve a proper first kiss."
Kurt locked onto Blaine's eyes for a moment. They were so close that it wouldn't be out of the question. Their lips could touch without either moving more than an inch. But Blaine let go Kurt out of his arms. As he had just said Kurt deserved better than that for a real first kiss, and he intended, when the time was right of course and Kurt had begun to really heal, to give it to him.
A/N- I normally don't feel a strong personal connection with Kurt (though I do appreciate his character immensely) but after this week's episode I just felt like I had to write this, for catharsis if any thing else. I just want to dedicate this to all the victims of sexual assault especially those who still felt attacked and vulnerable when what happened to them "wasn't a big deal" according to others.