A/N: Yes, I know it's been a long time. You should all know what I'm like by now, really…

...

Descendants of Negi: An Elseworld of 2814… Possibly. Looking Way Less Likely…

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Chapter 3: Definitely Not Decadent Habits… Though I Hear That One's Awesome…

Disclaimer: Negima belongs to Akamatsu. I make no profit off this. If you paid to see this, you've been had… AND I WANT MY CUT!

...

Konoe Konomon had lived a long time. He'd had many zany misadventures in his youth, like the time he'd ended up in the center of the Earth riding a dinosaur to war, or that time he was kidnapped by lesbian space pirates. He knew how trying life could be for a mage.

That said, he wondered just which divinity on which pantheon was responsible for messing up Negi's life like this.

His facial hair concealed his smile as he surveyed the array of supposed children from the future lined up in front of his desk, flanked by Ala Alba and various school mages. The latter group looked like they felt irrelevant, and the headmaster really couldn't blame them. Try to contain the children of Negi? They might as well try fitting a hurricane into a test tube… and everyone remembered Hakase's last attempt to do that all too clearly.

Their weapons had been confiscated, such as they were. The boy Alex had been carrying nothing but the staff and a crystal ball, while Arika (the one that was apparently Setsuna's daughter) and Amaterasu had been stripped of their swords and, in the latter's case, throwing knives. Said knives were now on a rather large pile on the floor. It had been disturbing how many they'd found on the girl, and where. The sheer number she'd worn on belts up her legs…!

The other, taller Arika, who for the sake of convenience asked them to call her Anarchia, had also relinquished her staff, drawn from her own storage sigil, and a ring, both identified as exactly the same as the one's Negi had. She'd given an embarrassed, apologetic smile at the boy teacher's reaction to this.

The red-haired robot-girl, who'd identified herself as 'Multi', was currently surrounded by Setsuna, Kaede and Chachamaru. The girl had been cooperative so far, but better safe then sorry. A pair of identical boys with pink hair who looked about twelve and wearing identical ninja outfits glared at each other off to the side, Kaede's prisoners.

Chachamaru's own prisoners consisted of four girls, two dark-skinned, two not. The one who called herself Nasu had been cooperative enough, and seemed to be keeping the three in line. Tatsumiya Mana had been called in and if the revelation she'd had a time-traveling child with Negi came as a surprise, she wasn't showing it. She and the girl who was supposed to be her daughter were currently locked in a staring contest.

The last two children were off to the side. The one in the elaborate costume was holding back the little girl they'd all dubbed 'Chibi-Asu', who'd had her lighter-gun confiscated. All the others watched those two warily. The former was tending to the still-unconscious Nodoka and trying to keep the latter settled. The latter was having none of it.

"Hey, let me go!" Chbi-Asu cried, flailing wildly. "If you don't, you'll be sorry! My mom will kick your ass!"

Asuna twitched at this.

"P-please be quiet," Ranko said, her hesitant voice trying vainly to quiet the crying child. "Y-your behavior is v-very unbecoming."

"I don't want to be quiet, I want the Springfield Family Jewels!" Chibi-Asu cried. Everyone either twitched or barely restrained a smile.

"You and every girl in class, kid," Chisame said grumpily, one hand to an eye were Chibi-Asu had poked it on the way to the office. She glared at Asuna. "Damn it Kaguraka, raise your kid better! The last thing the world needs is another violent maniac!"

"Hey, she's not my kid!" Asuna protested. She paused. "Shouldn't you be going on about how this is all impossible and unreal and all a fantasy you don't believe in?"

"I've learned to pick my battles," Chisame grumbled. She glared at the assembled 'children'. "All right, what's the big idea?-!" she demanded.

Konoemon coughed. "While I appreciate your zeal, Hasegawa-kun, I will remind you this is my office?"

Everyone was treated to the rare sight of Chisame blushing in contrite embarrassment rather than her usual annoyance, rage, and being stripped naked as the Headmaster steepled his fingers, reminding himself for the billionth time to get some dark glasses or something and change the lighting in his office so that said glasses glinted properly. "Now," he said. "Will you children kindly explain yourselves?"

"I don't need to explain anything to you, ally of evil!" Amaterasu declared, pointing dramatically. "This is but a temporary setback! I will kill Konoe Konoka and see that my mother properly marries Negi-pa– SAKURAZAKI, WILL YOU PLEASE STOP DOING THAT!"

"Eh?" Arika said, blinking innocently up at Amaterasu. "But your boobs feel all nice and squishy!"

"Can I please have my chi back so I can kick her ass?" Amaterasu begged, trying to pry her half-sister off her and keep the girl from rubbing her face on Amaterasu's breasts.

Konoemon seriously considered it.

He turned to the other children. "What about you children? Would you care to explain?"

"That information costs money," Rally said, holding out her hand.

"You are not authorized to posses that information," Multi said.

"Onee-chan boobies!" Arika cried.

"Um, well…" Arika Anarchia said.

"U-um, th-that is…" Ranko stuttered.

"I want the Springfield Family Jewels!" Chibi-Asu demanded.

"I will not speak to those in the thrall of the boob monsters!" Alex declared loudly.

"Make me!" Illyria cried.

"Wild horses couldn't drag it out of me!" Nikuro agreed.

"We're all from different futures, and are here to make sure that Negi-papa hooks up with our mother to ensure the continued existence of our timelines," Nasu said brightly. "That's it really. We have no other goals just yet."

Konoemon took a moment to process this, as did everyone else. "Really?"

"TRAITOR!" Illyria cried.

"Hardly," Nasu said, gesturing towards the 4th wall. "It's just that everyone was getting impatient, you know? They want us to get on with it, as Monty Python says, get everything out in the open so there aren't any more stupid misunderstandings out of an episode of that Triangle Heart spinoff."

Everyone stared at where she'd gestured.

"Um, Nasu-san, there's no one there," Negi said.

"Really?" Nasu said.

"Ignore her," Nikuro said, making a twirling gesture at her temple in the multiversally accepted sign-language for 'she's fucking nuts'. "She does this sometimes."

As one, everyone looked at Chao.

She raised her hand defensively. "Hey. Don't look at me! I'm not so irresponsible as to just randomly hand out time-travel magitech to little kids!"

"You gave one to Negi during the school festival," Chisame accused.

"That's different!"

"How?"

"It was all according to plan!" A pause. "Well, except his kicking my ass part…"

...

"Yeah, we lost 'em that time!" Nagi said with cheerful certainty as the car pulled out of the side street and back into the main flow of traffic once more.

"Good for you, dear," Arika said patiently, looking through the rear window to confirm that, yes, the car that had been tailing them all the way from the airport was still following them. They had a slightly better lead than they'd had before, and that was all that had been accomplished.

She sighed faintly. Sometimes it was hard, being in love with an idiot hero. The fact that his blind luck and brute force tended to win more often than not could be quite aggravating, and his utter refusal to plan anything ... well. Still, as it had often been said, one liked people for their qualities and loved them for their flaws. And he had so many to love, too.

Oh well. It would be nice if he could show a few of their son's qualities, just occasionally.

And at least all these allegedly evasive maneuvers hadn't done anything to disturb Nekane's sleep. Arika envied the girl her tranquility, and the gentle smile that told her that she must be having a very good dream. She wondered what it was.

...

"Oh, Nekane-oneesama! At last, at long last, I understand that you are really the only girl for me!" sixteen year-old Negi proclaimed, sweeping Nekane off her feet as he did.

"Yes!" she cried in response. "Yes, I am so glad that you've come to this understanding, my beloved!"

"But I do fear that my awful, evil students will object to our entirely proper and rightful union," Negi said, once more showing the youthful apprehension that had won her heart.

"That won't be a problem, my Negi, my darling!" Nekane told him calmly.

"Why not?" he asked.

"Because I killed the evil bitches, one by one!" Nekane cheered.

"Oh, huzzah!" Negi said approvingly.

Nekane's smile grew just a bit wider as she slept.

...

There was a knock on the door to the dean's office, which opened suddenly, revealing a pissed Anya, still in her middle school uniform. "Negi!" she cried, pointing at him. "What have you gotten yourself into this time?-!"

Then she paused, scowling at all the new girls, folding her arms over her breasts self-consciously. Four years and still no change there, for all she was a head and a half taller than Negi now. "What's going on here?" she demanded. "Who are all these girls? Headmaster, why was I called here?"

"Ah, good Anya-kun," he said. "This involves you as well."

Alex began to squirm slightly, bowing his head and trying to look unobtrusive.

Anya's frown deepened.

"Anya, this is your son Alex. He's from the future," Chisame said.

Anya gave her a blank look. After a moment, she said, "Anyone else, I'd think they were kidding, but you're not the kidding type, Hasegawa."

They exchanged mild glares.

"Wow," Nasu said. "Such belligerent sexual tension."

They blinked, and turned the glares at her. "Who's this and what the heck is she talking about?" Anya demanded.

"I'm from the future too," Nasu said. "Nice to meet you."

Anya glared, but looked sideways at Chisame. The hacker nodded in confirmation.

Anya turned her flat, unamused look at Alex. He waved his fingers at her. "Hey mom."

She stared at him, then reached into a pocket and pulled out a crystal ball. "Libra Veritatis," she murmured, a basic 'true/false' divination. "Say that again."

"Hey mom?" he said.

The crystal ball turned green.

Anya stared at it, tucked away the crystal, then had a thought and pulled it out again. "Who's your dad?"

Alex pointed at Negi, who twitched. The crystal turned green again.

Anya nodded, put the crystal in her pocket, and fainted dead away.

Nasu held out a hand. Grudgingly, people started slapping money into it.

When she woke up, Anya was smug for about all the time it took to explain that…

"Wait, ALL THESE KIDS ARE NEGI'S TOO?-!" Anya cried. "NEGI! YOU CASANOVA! ENEMY OF ALL WOMEN!"

"Actually, with these many wins, he's hardly an enemy," Nasu said.

"Who is this?-!" Anya demanded.

"Springfield Nasu," Nasu said. "My mom's not here yet. Actually, I'm kinda not sure how I'm here…"

Anya glared at all the others. "And who're the rest?"

"Well, the one in the cool cape is Nodoka's kid, the Chibi is Asuna's, the pouty one is Mana's, the one being felt up is Tsukuyomi's—" Haruna started pointing.

"Whose?" Anya said.

"The four-eyed creepy slashy girl from Fate's crew," Asuna provided.

"Ah."

"Anyway, the one feeling up her breasts is Setsuna's, the twins are the Narutakis', those two are Illya and Kuro's, the robot is Chachamaru's— don't ask— and the tall redhead's…" Haruna paused. "Actually, I don't know whose kid she is."

"Um, is that really all that important?" she said. "I mean, I'm Negi-papa's daughter too, after all."

"'Fess up!" Anya bad-cop-ed. "Whose are you?-!"

"There's no need to take that tone Anya-chan," Negi said. He smiled reassuring at Anarchia.

There was a gasp from Nodoka. Everyone turned to see her staring at her book, then at Anarchia, then back again, completely pale.

The phone rang.

Konoemon picked it up calmly and listened. "Ah! Negi-kun! It seems your parents have arrived."

...

Slowly, she edged away from the others. If you moved slowly enough, you hardly seem to move at all. And then, when their eyes are off of you, you can —

And then the situation went from bad to worse as the local versions of her mother (argh!) and step-father (mergh!) and Eishun-sama (meh) showed up, and had the situation explained to them hastily. And of course, the two men took one look at her and knew who she must be. Shocked expressions on both their faces, check.

And then it went from bad to worse to utterly awful, when her mother looked at her, and said, "So who is supposed to be this one's mother?"

"Uh, honey?" said Nagi-sama. "I think you might want to sit down."

"Why is it that you only ever call me that when you're trying to avert my justifiable wrath?" Arika asked, sounding annoyed. Just like she always sounded whenever her daughter messed up, which happened fairly often. "Some sweet nothings when I have no cause for concern would be ... wait a moment, I have no cause for concern at the moment. Not that I know about. Chao Lingshen, what have you wrought?"

"We just met!" protested Chao. "You can't blame me already!"

And then the local version of Miyazaki-taichou was shyly sidling up to her mother, and she knew what was about to be revealed, and no, no, she couldn't face it, it was too much, and she ran.

Eventually, she found herself at a bridge, leaning against the wall and breathing heavily. She looked up.

"Was that a pleasant run for you?" said Arika.

Anarchia made a strangled noise, pointing back the way that she came, which covered, she believed, a goodly portion of the present-day Mahora campus. She looked back and forth, repeatedly.

"Yes, I followed you," her mother said. "You gave me a good chase. But I am just that cool."

All the girl could do was gape.

"I am given to understand," Arika began delicately, "that you are under the impression that you are my daughter. In fact, various persons well-acquainted with me have said that you and I are near duplicates of one another, except for your hair color. I personally do not see the resemblance. But then, I have seldom seen myself without the benefit of a mirror. Would you please confirm that my understanding is correct."

Anarchia nodded shakily.

"Thank you," said Arika. "And ... you are also under the impression that your father ... is ... my ... son." The words didn't come out easily.

Again, nod.

"So," Arika said, and then didn't say anything more for a few moments. "I suppose that the next question I should ask — though, not before apologizing in advance, because this question cannot be answered with a nod or a negatory shake of the head — is ... how, in your understanding, did the situation which resulted in your birth come to pass?" Again, incredibly delicate, for a tone which had all the softness of a granite boulder.

"I don't really know," Anarchia started to babble. "I only found out a little while ago, and I really don't… it doesn't make much sense, apparently you were drunk, and my stepfather was drunk, and my bro— I mean, father was using an age changing pill and so was Aunt Eva and things happened, and it really makes me kind of sick to think about it, but I think I have to make it come to pass anyway, because I don't want to not exist, and… but… I don't… I'll go away, you don't have to ever, ever talk to or think about —"

And then she felt a hand touch hers. "No," said the rightful queen of Ostia. "You will not go away."

"Okay," she said, voice tiny.

"What you are describing does not sound very plausible," Arika said after a moment of consideration. "Even in the wilder days of my youth, when I was associated with the Mysteries — but that is neither here nor there. You are not lying. A liar would invent something more plausible. So you are telling the truth, and thus you are My Daughter."

You could hear the capital letters in her voice.

She coughed uncomfortably. "Whatever I am, or may become in the future, one thing I hope will always be true. I do not blame children for what their parents did. I am the very last person on either world who should do so. All right?"

Reduced to nodding once more, Anarchia proceeded to do so.

"Very well. We will go now to meet with your various half-siblings, and ... your father —" Pause. "Excuse me, I just threw up in my mouth for no particular reason. Together, we will discuss what we are to with all of you. Doesn't that sound like fun?"

Anarchia shook her head. "It sounds as fun as training with Eva-neechan," she said.

"No, I don't think so either. But it is the right thing to do." Hesitantly, she touched the girl's shoulder lightly, and started guiding her back the way that they'd come.

Onlookers would have taken them for a close mother and daughter.

After a moment, Arika said, "'Eva-neechan'?"

"She's either my stepmother or sister-in-law, so… I did mention her and father both using age-change pills, right? Why do you think this happened in the first place?"

"Ah…"

...

"Um…" Negi said, staring at the window Anarchia had jumped out of. "Why did she do that? And where's mother?"

"NOT IT!" everyone in the room cried.

"Darn it!" Chao cried. "Always last to back out!"

Everyone looked at her.

Chao sighed. "Negi-sensei, you're familiar with Oedipus Rex, right?"

"Oh, yes," Negi said. "That's the one where he accidentally gouged his eyes out, right?"

"…" Chao said. "This is going to be harder than I thought…"

"Welcome to the last four years of my life," Asuna said.

Chao thought. "Negi-sensei, you see, Anarchia is apparently… um… well, the thing is Negi-sensei… ah… Negi-sensei, do you know how reproduction works?"

"Well," Negi said. "Chachamaru told me that when someone wants to have a child, they go to a laboratory and start designing the hardware and software…"

"We really screwed him up, didn't we?" Chisame said.

"What do you mean 'we'?" Mana said. "I never teach him anything."

"…" Chao said. "Anarchia's your sister instead of your daughter! We were mistaken calling her that. That's the only explanation you need!"

"Oh, okay…" Negi said. He perked up. "Oh! Dad, does this mean you and mother are going to a laboratory and getting started on designing hardware and software?"

"I hope you realize this is all your fault," Asuna told Nagi.

"Oh, right…" Nagi said, rolling his eyes. "Like I could possibly teach him how to be normal."

"He's got you there," Eishun said.

"Still, I suppose this possibility shouldn't have surprised me," Nagi said. "After all, she grew up royalty. Who knows what sort of deadly, decadent habits she picked up in court? She was probably wild when she was a teenager."

"Didn't she devote her time to trying to forge peace with Hellas, getting to know her subjects, learning the details of rule, and hanging out with you guys?" Yue said. "It's a matter of public record."

"Still, you gotta wonder how it happened," Haruna said. "I mean, did she end up seducing him, slowly teaching him the finer points of erotica before—"

"HEY!" Nagi cried. "That's my wife you're talking about!"

"Then why is your nose bleeding?"

"You heard the part about my wife, right?"

...

The taxi stopped in front of the middle school building. A young man stepped out, adjusting his sunglasses. "Ah…" he said. "Mother… do not worry mother. I shall do all in my power to ensure that you and father are—"

BONK!

As he collapsed to the ground, Anarchia looked up from paying the driver. "Was that really necessary… mother?"

"He was obviously ranting about setting up his mother with my son," Arika said, hefting her sword. "He is obviously from the future as well. Therefore it would only be prudent to bring him to the attention of the faculty."

"Well… I suppose," Anarchia agreed. "Still… mother…"

"Yes?"

"Where did you get the sword? For that matter, why do you have one?"

"This IS Mahora, daughter."

...

The door to the dean's office opened again, and everyone looked up in concern as Arika Sr. and Anarchia stepped in, the young man slung between them.

"Found another one," Arika said as Eishun and Nagi came forward to take the load off the two women, laying their prisoner on a chair. The former queen rotated her shoulders. "I must say, my son, I'm a bit concerned at the number of your potential progeny…"

There was a pregnant pause as everyone but Negi and Chibi-Asu flicked eyes between her and Anarchia and back again.

The blonde looked sideways, not meeting anyone's eyes. Her interactions with Negi had ceased being ridiculously formal and stilted about a year ago, when an exasperated Nagi had locked them in a Diorama bottle for a relative month and forced them to iron things out, but it looked like she was regression with Anarchia. That was a moderately good sign, however. "We have… sorted matters. That is all."

Everyone turned to Anarchia. She was looking at the carpet intently, apparently finding it infinitely fascinating.

"Well, she's still here, so the Decadent Habits ending is still possible," Nasu said. She pointed. "Read Decadent Habits! It's good!"

Everyone stared at her, then looked at the blank wall she was pointing at.

"Nasu-san, who are you talking to and what are you pointing at?" Yue said.

"The people watching us through their computers," she said promptly.

There was silence.

"Anyyyway…" Konoemon said. "Moving on… regardless of where they came from, what are we to do with these children? It's not like we can send them where they came from." He paused. "Could we?"

Everyone looked at Chao.

She looked up from the pile of Cassiopeias in front of her, some kind of jewelers lens over one eye, a complicated multi-tool in one hand. "What? I've barely opened one of these things yet! You rush a miracle worker, you get lousy miracles."

"Maybe you need a wheelbarrow," Yue said blandly.

Chao threw a clock at her.

Konoemon hummed. "Well… time-travel is hardly a crime," he said, giving Chao a look. She smiled brightly. "But it would be irresponsible for us to merely allow you to roam free." He gave Amaterasu a look that was several dozen degrees colder than his usual joviality. "Especially when some of you express your intension to kill my granddaughter."

Eishun's head snapped up with an audible crack. He yelped, clutching his neck. "Ah! Whiplash! Whiplash!"

"Don't worry daddy!" Konoka said, drawing her wand. A weird smile came over her face. "I'll heal you…"

Everyone shuddered.

Fate Averruncus coughed, drawing attention to himself and shocking everyone at the rather abrupt appearance and reminding them that it was mentioned there were school mages in the room. "Parole is hardly unprecedented, headmaster," the homeroom teacher of class 3-F said. "Measures can be taken to ensure the students' safety."

"How long has he been standing there?" Chisame murmured.

"The whole scene," Nasu said back. "After all, it fits with chapter 336. Procrastinating for almost a year to write the chapter has its advantages…"

Chisame blinked at her. "What?"

Nagi hummed thoughtfully, then broke out in a grin. "Hey, that would work! In fact, I think I've got this spell on me somewhere…"

"NO!" everyone cried.

"I'm still trying to undo the one you put on the master," Negi said.

"Still, the idea has merit," Konoemon mused. "It could work…"

"And thus the excuse plot is complete…" Nasu said.

"Okay, seriously, WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO?-!-?-!-?-!" Chisame demanded.

...

"Darn it, WHERE IS EVERYBODY?-!" Kuro cried, knocking on Haruna's door. "IT'S GAME NIGHT!"

Illya and Miyu sighed. "Phone?" Illya asked.

Miyu drew hers out. "On it."

...

- To be continued...

...

A/N: I just found it amusing to think that Konoemon might have had his own adventures in his youth…

Fate is Homeroom teacher of that class. I'll have Matoi in my universe somehow, darn it!

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.