A/N: Okay, I'm back, with a semblance of plot for the second arc. Let's see if it's enough to keep my attention…
Special thanks to Overmaster for some entries…
Descendants of Negi: An Elseworld of 2814… Kinda. Look, It's The Ridiculously Extended Omake Version, Okay?
by Shadow Crystal Mage
Chapter 5: I Didn't Like Yomeiro Choice
Disclaimer: Negima belongs to Akamatsu. I make no profit off this. If you paid to see this, you've been had… AND I WANT MY CUT! Parody is protected speech.
"Negi's been in there for a long time," Kotaro said, glancing at the little room where the child-mage had been sequestered.
Asuna didn't look up from the magazine she was reading. "Sister Shakti still hasn't finished giving him her lecture on the unholy evils and dangers of incest, premarital sex and bastardy."
"Isn't it kind of, you know, dangerous to tell him about those things?" Kotaro said as they waited outside.
"I think she was inclined to let it go even when her daughter said hi, but when she found out about Arika Anarchia she sort of snapped," Asuna said.
"Ah…" Kotaro said, nodding. The two of them sat back as they waited.
"You don't suppose they're having sex in there, do you?" Kotaro suddenly said. At Asuna's look, he said, "What? She had to get her kid somehow. And don't look at me like that, I have a girlfriend, of COURSE Chizuru-nee gave me The Talk and sort-of-but-not-quite threatened to do horrible things to me if I did anything funny to Natsumi-chan!"
"I don't think he's going to go that far on a first lecture," Asuna said.
Kotaro made a non-committal sound. "Hey, don't you have a kid you need to be taking care of?" he asked.
Asuna gave him a sideways look. "You can't prove she's my kid," Asuna said defensively.
"Right, because little kids with your hair color, mismatched eyes and anti-magic who call you mom are SO common," Kotaro said.
At that moment, a ninja appeared!
"Oh, thank god," Asuna breathed as the girl in the ninja outfit suddenly appeared in the corridor. There was a moment of disorientation as the girl swayed for a moment, more than enough time for Asuna to shundo forward and snag the Cassiopeia (seriously, did Chao have a factory or something for the things she wasn't admitting to?) as Kotaro tackled her.
"Name?" Asuna asked with all the bored interest of a front desk clerk as her magazine finally hit the ground.
The girl coughed. "Inhaler!"
"Your name is Inhaler?" Asuna asked, blinking in confusion. Given all the Arikas, it was a nice change of pace, but… Oh! "You need to use an inhaler?"
The girl nodded, coughing a little. She seemed to be of medium height, from what Asuna could make out with her on the ground, with very large… tracts of land and dark, slightly green-tinged gray hair in a boyish cut. Her face was a bit drawn, and combined with her pale skin gave her either a mildly unhealthy or extremely Victorian goth look. The girl began reaching towards her belt.
"No, don't let her nee-chan!" Kotaro cried. "What if she's going for some kind of weird strength-enhancing ninja spinach thing!-? Or smoke bombs?-! But mainly the spinach thing!"
Asuna froze as the girl continued coughing. "You're right! This might be some kind of ninja trick! We better take her in and let the staff deal with it…"
"Just breathe…" the school nurse said to the girl gently as she drew on the inhaler, before giving a sheepish-looking Kotaro and Asuna a glare. "Honestly, what possessed you to take away her inhaler! You don't mess around with respiratory problems! She could have been really hurt if she'd had a bad attack!"
"But… ninja… suspicious… spinach strength thing…" Kotaro mumbled.
"It might have been a trick!" Asuna said, a bit more coherent, even as she flushed with embarrassment. "Ninja are tricky!"
The look the nurse gave her wasn't encouraging.
"Smoke bombs… poison gas… chains… all kinds of ninja stuff…" Kotaro kept muttering.
"Name?" Chachamaru politely asked the confused girl some time later after the school nurse had pronounced her fit again.
"Eh…" the girl procrastinated, looking around the bland room warily.
"We can get to that later, if you wish," Chachamaru said. "I will, however, need the name of your mother."
The girl's head spun to look at Chachamaru in shock. "Wha–?"
"We have recently had a sudden influx of Negi-sensei's progeny and progeny-analogues from the future," Chachamaru explained serenely. "In the interest of identification, we are keeping records of those that have arrived for tracking purposes."
"R-really?" the girl said.
Chachamaru nodded. "You are not the only who seems to have hit upon the notion of time travel. Now, your mother's name, please?"
For a moment, the girl looked reticent, before reluctantly answering, "Nagase Kaede?"
Chachamaru took down her response, then made predisposition based on historical data. "And your name… it wouldn't happen to be 'Arika', would it?"
"Why would you think that?" the girl asked.
"It seems to be a popular name to give Negi-sensei's children," Chachamaru said, though she personally felt that 'Multi' was in fact a much superior name and was chosen by a much superior person. "Should I put you down as another one?"
"Mido," the girl said quickly. "Mido Springfield."
Chachamaru nodded, writing this all down. "Very well. We will be assigning you a roommate, who you will be in charge of monitoring for suspicious activity."
"Define 'suspicious activity'," Mido said warily.
"Attempting to kill or sterilize other members of 3-A so that only they can possibly be born," Chachamaru said. "Negi-sensei and the administration of this school supports neither fratricide nor sororicide."
At Mido's skeptical look, Chachamaru added, "Also, Yue-san has stated she will take personal action against any attempting such. "
Mido gasped, looking scared. "The Unbeatable Black said that?"
Not for the first time, Chachamaru had to wonder what Yue would eventually do that would prompt such a near-consistent response. "Let's see… I believe this individual needs a new roommate… she appears not to get along with Rosette-san. Something about non-compliance with gun safety protocols."
When Negi was finally released from the nefarious clutches of Sister Shakti, his vocabulary slightly improved and mind too scarred to let him sleep that night, he looked like he'd been told someone had just cooked his puppy and made him it eat without him knowing.
Though he was still a bit iffy on what 'incest' meant. Or what sex actually entailed. Her descriptions of the deformities caused by incest had been graphic though, and he had some weird idea that it meant having babies in a microwave instead of an oven. She'd been waving around a banana too. He really wasn't sure, but to be on the safe side he decided not to cast any spells or make any potions that required bread, bananas, and either a conventional or microwave oven. Just to be on the safe side.
"All right," Yue said, trying to sound stern and wondering not for the first time what she'd done, was possibly going to do, to warrant such abject fear as she addressed most of the assembled 'children of Negi' cleared to be out and about. "I expect you all to get along and not try to kill or molest each other, yes, that means you Narutakis, put down those knives, no, I know you have them, put them down." As the disgruntled doppelgangers put down their weapons (and why the heck had they been allowed them?), she swept a look over them. "I mean it. You all get along, or else…" she paused to quickly consider, "we're slapping an illusion on you to make you look like Crazy Arika and setting Amaterasu on you from confinement."
"Hey! I object to being referred to as 'Crazy Arika!" Arika protested.
Yue ignored her. "Good. I'm glad we had this talk. Are there any questions?"
"What's going to happen to us?" Arika Anarchia asked.
"Unless you commit a felony, you'll be kept here until Chao can figure out how to send you all back home," Yue said. "Until then, you are restricted to the campus, since we can fully understand the futility of trying to keep you in a place this small at all times. I trust all of you know better than to blab to anyone you're time travelers."
"What about my mission?" Nagi and Nagi demanded, and they glared at each other.
"No comment," Yue said. "Besides, unless you resort to said felonies, I find it unlikely you'll succeed in any such thing. We've all be trying for years. You're likely to have an easier time convincing Fuuka and Fumika to commit incest." Arika Anarchi winced at the word.
"Ew!" Nagi and Nagi chorused as one. "That's my mom you're talking about!"
"Why wouldn't they?" Crazy Arika said. "Incest is awesome!" She turned to Nikuro. "Don't you think so?"
Nikuro shrugged. "Meh. I've never understood the appeal."
Yue felt a sudden attack of the giggles and turned it into a coughing fit. Oh, if only Kuro had heard that…
A shiver ran up Kuro's back. "Something is wrong in the universe…" she muttered, as her incest-senses cried in pain and betrayal. "It is as if someone has uttered a sin against the natural order of things…"
Illya gave her sister a sideways glance. "I can't even begin to imagine what you of all people consider 'against the natural order of things'."
Meanwhile, in the Frilly Pink Fortress of Friendship, the headquarters of the United Magical Girls Association…
Kino Makoto walked back in. "They just called from Mahora. They told me we shouldn't expect them for any meeting for the next week or so. Something about Negi-sensei's children from the future showing up… I suppose no one here would know anything about that, right…?"
Akatsutsumi Momoko, one of the three newbies who had modeled their team after a certain trio of famous American cartoon crimefighters with no fingers (Mahou Shoujo were often a weird bunch with weird leanings) blinked. "Why, why are you looking at me about that…?-!"
Matsubara Kaoru sighed and pointed at the much taller female sitting at the other side of her red-haired friend. "She's looking at her, Blossom…"
Meioh Setsuna kept sipping elegantly from her tea. "I have resolved not to get myself involved whenever the Springfields are part of a situation."
"But isn't this the kind of event that could threaten—" Mizuno Ami began.
"No exceptions!" Setsuna said.
"Children from the future?" Gotokuji Miyako blinked cluelessly. "Really?"
"Eh, it happens more often than you'd think," Tsukino Usagi shrugged as she began wolfing down the cake Tomoe Mami had just served her. "Okay then, we'll have to vote on whether or not to accept that Poemi girl without them…!"
"More cake please!" Makanshoku Mako called.
Matoi Ryuuko sighed. "Mako-chan, not so much..."
"More cake please!" Matoi Satsuki nee Kiryuin called. Screw dignity, there was cake!
"Ahem," Yue coughed, getting their attentions again. "We'd like to request you to please not make trouble. We're graduating soon, and frankly we'd like to be able to enjoy the experience before we dive back into the nightmare of being magical girls." She checked her clipboard. "Also, it seems we have a new arrival. Her name is Mido, last name irrelevant because you all have mostly the same last name. She'll be your new roommate Rally-san, as soon as we're done checking her for concealed weapons. So you can stop threatening Nasu now."
"How nice of the administration to listen to your complaints," Nasu said. "Whose roommate am I going to be now?"
Yue checked her list. "You'll be rooming with Multi-san, on the basis you can't possibly drive her insane."
"I object," Multi said calmly. "This is racial discrimination."
"Your mother made the assignment," Yue said flatly.
"I object," Multi said calmly. "I cannot accept such nepotism."
"Suck it up," Yue said
"Roommate," Nasu said, smiling brightly at Multi.
Multi gave her the kind of blank look only someone of robot descent can manage.
"Look at it this way," Nikuro said. "She's only crazy. She's not crazy, grabby and with a libido on overdrive."
"But I could if the readers want me to be," Nasu volunteered.
"Stooping to blatant pandering like that is just going to hurt the writing and turn people off, " said Yue.
Everyone but Nasu gave her a look.
"What?" she said in response to the stares. "Working with her delusions is the easiest way to keep her in line."
Multi, figuring she wasn't going to get anything coherent or useful there, turned to Nikuro. ""What is she talking about?
"Well, it's kinda sketchy, but she seems to think everything we do is being read by lots people on their computers," Nikuro said.
"Not 'lots'," Nasu corrected. "Maybe a hundred, a hundred twenty-five... and of those, maybe only three people leave reviews... no reviews makes writers cry, you know!"
"Are we sure she's related to us?" Arika said, giving her a sideways glance and inching away slightly. "Because I'm finding it really hard to believe she's one of dad's..."
Nasu pointed. "See? Hair's got red in it. I have to be related, right? It's how you can tell I'm a Springifield kid. It's the red in the hair! You can always trust the red hair."
Everyone looked at her suspiciously. "It sounds logical, but it's her saying it, so there's gotta be something weird going on..." Alex said.
"That's a rather personal remark, don't you think Alex, son of Anya who people might remember but are likely to have forgotten about," Nasu said.
Alex blinked. "What?"
"I think that's supposed to be commentary for our 'readers'," Yue said. "They don't sound like they have good reading comprehension."
"No, it's just updates are so sporadic and months can go on between them," Nasu said.
"The writer sounds like a hack, then," Rosette said.
"Extremely so," Nasu said in agreement.
There was a crack as her chair broke.
From her position on the floor, Nasu's voice drifted up to say, "But he's a wonderful human being who possesses great tenacity and interesting ideas. I must remember not to piss him off..."
"Girl be crazy," Crazy Arika said, twirling a finger around her temple in extremely simplified symbolic sign language.
When Negi Springfield finally got to his dorm room, he found it full of his family.
This isn't being metaphorical or anything. Nagi Springfield was sitting in front of the TV watching an old Metal Heroes show, while Nekane was in the kitchen with Konoka, chatting and cooking together. Asuna was watching with Nagi, cooing at the ruggedly handsome and mature actor onscreen and decrying the present-day habit of casting male models in such roles. Arika the first, the original, sat at the table, her gaze slightly out of focus and thoughtful, clearly thinking deep thoughts and occasionally touching her belly.
"I'm home," he said tiredly.
"Hey!" Asuna greeted. "Did you meet your new daughter yet?"
Negi looked at her warily. "Another one?" he said incredulously
"Yeah," Asuna said. "I think she might have been Kaede's, she was wearing a ninja outfit."
"Ah," Negi said, still a little out of it from his talk with sister Shakti. He looked towards the kitchen and shuddered as his eyes fell on the microwave. There didn't seem to be a bun in it, but better safe than sorry...
Arika blinked, coming out of her melancholy as she turned to Negi. "Negi. how is your sister? Do you know where she is being housed?"
Only Negi didn't twitch at the mention of the girl. At Nekane's confused look however, Konoka realized they hadn't been able to tell Nekane about things yet. She'd been asleep when they'd arrived, suffering from jet lag and the relaxing effects of a drive, and so she'd been sleeping outside the deans office when Arika had met Arika.
"What sister?" Nekane asked, looking in bewilderment between Negi and Arika.
"Oh, Negi's kids from the future started popping up a while ago," Nagi said. "They're using some time travel thing."
Nekane blinked in confusion and looked around at the others, as if hoping for a translation to a language she could understand.
"What he said," Asuna said unhelpfully.
Helplessly, Nekane turned to Negi.
Negi opened his mouth to respond, paused, decided there was no way in hell he could explain, closed it, and turned back to his mother. "She's fine. She and the other girls are being housed in one of the old school buildings. I was going to check up on them after I came to see you."
Arika gathered her skirts and began to rise to her feet. "Then perhaps we should go together..."
There was an annoyed knock on the door to Makie's room before it opened in a rather loud manner that said the opener was mildly aggrieved.
"There you are!" Illyasviel von Einzbern cried, pointing dramatically at Makie. "Where is everyone? No one is answering their phones, no one else is in their rooms, and it's supposed to be game night! What's going on?-!"
"End of the WORLD a-gain," Kuro sang, a small, evil cat-smile on her lips.
"Don't be silly, it's only Friday," Illya said, as if this explained everything.
Makie stared at her. "Um… who are you?"
"Illya! It's me, Illya! You know, Prisma Ruby? I go to Gotham city on the weekends?-!" Illya cried. "We've been in the same Association for years! We play Pathfinder every other week!"
"Huh?" Makie said.
Kuro rolled her eyes grabbed Illya by the shoulder, expertly spun her around, wrapped an arm around the small of her back, dipped her back and…
KISS! WITH TONGUE! PRACTICALLY MOUTH RAPE! TOTALLY PACTIO QUALITY!
Makie clapped her hands together as Miyu started, red in either anger or envy. "Oh, yeah, Berseker-chan! Yeah, sorry, but we might not be having the game tonight," she said as Illya disengaged with a cry of offended feminine virtue and punched her sister away.
"What happened?" Miyu asked as Kuro flipped through the air, did a one-point landing with her hand to stabilize herself and flipped up straight with a cheery "Thanks for the treat!".
"Well, some time-traveler attacked Konoka-chan after class, and then some other time traveler attacked that time traveler, and then some other time travelers joined in…" Makie said.
Kuro immediately looked suspicious. "None of them have said anything about everything going according to plan, have they?"
"Wouldn't know!" Makie said brightly. "Haven't seen them since they tried to kill Konoka and Nodoka!"
The three sighed. "So we came all this way for nothing?" Kuro huffed.
"Well, you could go meet your kids," Makie suggested.
The three girls stared at her. "What," Kuro said flatly.
"Your kids," Makie said innocently. "I heard they showed up too."
There was dead silence.
"Dwa?" Illya said eloquently
"!" Miyu said, equally eloquent.
"Bwa?" Kuro said, the epitome of wit.
Makie smiled at them. No worries, after all. "Wanna meet them? I think they've been let out by now..."
"This," Chao Lingshen muttered to herself, "is SO not my fault! Why is this happening to me?"
And it really wasn't. While she had often dipped back into this region of the progression of time to be with the primary edition of her friends she was familiar with for one reason or another, usually relating to The Plan, this time her stop had been purely to be with her classmates- they would always be her classmates in her heart, the best years of her life- to celebrate their graduation. She'd had absolutely no ulterior motive for it, except maybe to check on her daughter and see, in a mildly protective fond ex kind of way, how Sakurako was treating Hakase. It was practically a vacation.
Her brain paused at the thought, and she reran it through her mind. She paled even as she slumped in depression.
"Oh," she muttered as she looked down at all the assorted Cassiopeia before her that she'd been assigned to analyze, "that's why. Damn it!"
The curse of the vacation law had struck again.
Kuro stared at the dark-skinned girl bearing some part of her features and said, in the voice of someone no doubt planning murder, or at the very least castration, "There's no possible way this could have happened voluntarily."
Illya stared at the pale-skinned girl in purple bearing some part of her features and said, in the sobbing voice of someone who thought she was Gotham-ready for anything and had turned out to be woefully unprepared, "Why can't my life pick something, call it normal, and STICK TO IT?-!-?-!-?-!-?"
Miyu stared at the pleasantly smiling, dark-haired girl before her bearing many of her features and said, in the voice of someone whose brain is still in the process of rebooting, "Glrgkfle?"
Nikuro smiled at the girl she claimed was her mother and raised a hand. "Yo!"
Illyria looked at the girl she claimed was her mother and spread her arms. "Mama!"
Nasu looked at the girl she claimed was her mother and said, "'Sup."
Kuro rose like a leviathan from the deeps and pointed dramatically at Nikuro. "HOW THE HECK? Seriously, HOW THE HECK? I don't swing towards Springfield! I don't see the appeal! I've NEVER seen the appeal! This is impossible!"
"I don't like Negi-san that way!" Illya wailed.
Miyu gave a crooked smile, twitched, and retreated to the happy place in her head filled with lots of naked Illyas...
The air was cool as dark slowly came upon Sakura Lane. Though the spacing of the street lamps was as regular as at any other of the academy's many walkways, the stretch of road always seemed strangely dark with the sun down. When the wind blew through the trees, the sound seemed infinitely more forlorn and gothic than at any other part of the camps, even if it was only a figurative stretch away from the dorms. Indeed, the lane was in fact a major route to the dorms when the sunwas up.
In fact, three students were even then walking the route. If they found the strange darkness of the lane to be creepy or scary, they continued to traverse it in the sure and certain knowledge that Mahora had a LOT of Magical Girls and they all had their rape-whistles, garlic, blessed ofuda and, worse came to worse, their lacrosse sticks to deal with anything that came at them long enough for them to get one of said Magical Girls' attention.
"Hey girls, have you heard?" one said. "There's a legend that a vampire used to haunt Sakura Lane. On nights when the moon is full, a dark figure would creep up on you to drink your blood!"
One of the other girls made a sound. "So, this was before Magical Girls, right? 'Cause everyone knows they don't let vampires come to Mahora. It's why my parents are sending my little sister here next year."
"Oh yeah, definitely before," the first girl said, nodding. She looked up at the small sliver of silver light in the sky. "Well, not much chance of it tonight. It's almost New Moon."
"What did this vampire look like anyway?" the second girl asked, glancing sideways at her friend. "I mean, did they go with 'giant bat', 'some guy in a cape and nice suit' or what?"
The third girl, who'd been silent until now, stopped and said, "It was a little girl with a tall hat, a long cape, and a short dress."
The first girl blinked. "Yeah, that's right. Guess you've heard already this story, huh?"
In response, the third girl dug into her bag, pulled out a glove of garlic and began screaming as she started throwing it down the path ahead of them. The two girls turned. Before them was a small figure. In the dark, all they could make out was the tall hat, long cape, short skirt, and lots and lots of long, red-tinged hair.
The garlic flew uselessly past as the figure lunged, one almost-dainty hand clamping over the screaming girl's mouth even as the other two began screaming themselves...
- To be continued…
A/N: The vacation law. You know the one. The stars in an action series/detective story go on vacation, far from the usual insantiy, and end up in the middle of plot/a murder case anyway. Because heroes never get vacations. Poor Superman...
Please review, C&C welcome.
Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.