A one shot about what happens in Young's head when he finally decides not to kill Rush in the episode "The Greater Good". I really like the optimistic end of this episode. Hopefully the show will get better now that Young and Rush can work together. If you see any grammatical mistake, please let me know. Beta-readers welcome!

Disclaimer applies as always.

Murderer :

I'm holding him in my arms, his body against mine, struggling to release my embrace, fighting for some air. But he's in no position to defeat me. On the strict level of physical strength, I'm superior to him, of that I'm sure, and that certitude is a nice feeling, and it makes my arm feel even stronger against his throat. He's losing the battle, struggling less and less, and eventually he stops fighting. He's unconscious, on his way to die by my hand. In the next minute or so, I will decide of Dr Nicolas Rush's life or death.

However, when we left Destiny for this mission, I was determined not to let my feelings against him go in the way. But then I heard it out of his own mouth: He admitted his treason, arguing that he couldn't trust me. How ironic, as if I could trust him. Not now, not anymore, not ever. This should end now. If I kill him here, nobody is going to be surprised. They know now, they will understand. I'm not even sure I would care if they don't.

But then I remember St Riley, and how I killed him, only a few days ago. I had to, he begged me, and I know in my heart that it wasn't murder, but then why does it bug me so much? When I could kill Rush out of mere rage and hate and feel no guilt about it? I know I wouldn't feel anything with Rush, no regret, not this time. The first time, on that bloody planet, I didn't know what I was doing, I acted on mere instinct, and then I regretted it. The way people started to look at me on board made me regret it. This time, they wouldn't look at me the same way, I'm sure of that. And yet...

I used to think of myself as someone good. Not in the naive way, but someone you could count on, rely on. I prided myself on that. And then there was Lt Johansen, and my betrayal to my wife. So common, and yet so disappointing. But killing a man, that isn't common, that's evil according to all the definitions you can think of. Riley asked to die, but Rush doesn't. If he dies now, I will be a murderer and nothing I'll do next could ever erase that. Deep inside, I know it. Am I really ready to do such a thing?

Suddenly, my body let go of his, seemingly without any conscious decision on my side. He's lying flat on the floor, and I wonder for a second if he's dead already. But he isn't, he's not that easy to get rid of, I should know better. He starts moving away from me. I pick up a gun to make sure he won't try anything against me again. And maybe to finish the job: I'm not sure yet if I can handle him back on the ship. He must feel that, that he isn't safe yet, because he tries to talk to me, to convince me that things could be different between us, that we could work together.

And for some reason, this time, I hear him out. He says things about me that are strangely accurate, considering his poor social skills, things I thought not even Tamara understood so well. I was obviously wrong, it seems that everybody on board has me figured out for some time. This should upset me, but I've other more urgent issues. I stare at the man in front of me, and for the first time since we arrived on Destiny, I feel my hate for him dissipate a little. He's one of the very few members of Destiny's crew, and as such I owe him protection, because whether people like it or not, I am the Captain of this ship. I don't have a choice, none of us has a choice. Tamara wanted to leave the military, like me, and now she's our leading medic. I didn't let her a choice, and yet I want to get one. But that's not how it works, not on our well named ship, Destiny...

I'll give it another try, with Rush. I'm probably wrong about that, but I want my crew to have a real Captain, as good as possible, not a murderer.