"Hey Zabuza, I brought you some juice... do you want me to get you anything else?" Tatsuya smiled, placing a glass of strange purple liquid down in front of Zabuza.
"No... no I'm good..." Zabuza looked at Tatsuya suspiciously, of course it wasn't completely random and out of the blue for Tatsuya to do several, largely unwanted favours for Zabuza. However, this week Zabuza had only managed to tolerate it because he swore that the purple-haired man was out to get Kisame... or was it Mangetsu? He could never really keep track. Zabuza settled on waiting for Tatsuya to leave the room, and then simply pouring the juice down the sink... just in case of rohypnol. However, after what felt like an eternity of Tatsuya just standing there, a childlike smile plastered over his face, Zabuza hesitantly took a sip of whatever it was Tatsuya had just given him. He was then surrounded by a thick, and probably poisonous cloud of smoke, the last thing he could hear being an excited squeal from Tatsuya.
"...Oh my god. It worked, Zabuza it worked! I. Am. A. Genius." He squealed, picking up a greyish blob from the floor and holding it up to his face. "God, you are just the cutest jellyfish ever. I knew it would work on you, you were always the most supportive. Come on let's go show you to the others."
"Raiga, Raiga... look it's Zabuza!"
"Tatsuya did you kidnap a jellyfish and name it after Zabuza?" It was an odd feeling having sympathy for a jellyfish, Raiga had to say. But then again, he couldn't imagine anything worse than being kidnapped by Tatsuya, no matter what species you were... except of course, being married to Choujuurou, that was a truly awful thing.
"No, that would be crazy." Tatsuya replied, Raiga arched an eyebrow... Tatsuya wasn't seriously about to claim that the jellyfish came along of its own free will, was he? "I made a magic potion and turned Zabuza into a jellfish!"
Raiga inhaled deeply, he could have punched himself for not seeing that one coming. Although admittedly he wasn't sure exactly why Tatsuya had decided to become a witch in lieu of a ninja."...why?"
"So I can go to Hogwarts, do potions and be Snape's favourite pupil!"
"Tatsuya," Raiga sighed, in spite of Tatsuya's age, he sometimes reminded Raiga of a four year old boy, and Raiga never really had to lecture small children, it was always more a case of 'get in the van and don't tell your parents', "you're too old, you're 25."
"SHUT UP, I CAN DREAM."
Raiga sighed once more, saying anything more on the matter would probably just send Tatsuya into a fit of crying. Which as funny as it may have been the first thirty times Raiga had done it, was beginning to lose much of its former hilarity, now, he would much rather set off on the ultimate quest to make Zabuza cry, and considering that Zabuza's life was currently in peril was beginning to seem like a lost cause. "...You realise jellyfish die out of water, right?"
"But I'm holding him..." The younger man whined, as if being held would somehow sustain Zabuza's life.
"Tatsuya, give him here." Raiga said sternly, stretching his arms out.
"Now, you go run him a bath." Raiga sighed, it was going to be a long day...
"Okay, so..." Kisame walked into the lounge, still struggling with this whole 'balancing with a female body' thing and looking terribly scruffy after his adventure up a mountain, "you don't have sex, you don't bitch about the rest of us... what do you two do together?"
"You just went up a mountain, isn't that enough?" Kyouki asked, before squinting what were already incredibly small eyes, to take a look at exactly what Kisame had managed to do to her, once perfect, hair. "Actually, you look more like you've been dragged through a hedge backwards... if you don't get those leaves out of my hair Mangetsu'll have a fit."
"I... I, he said he was just going to get ready for the next thing we did. What have you been doing all day?"
"You know, just stuff." That answer was not in any way reassuring for Kisame, if anything it was more worrying than most other things he had heard today. "While you're here, I need to make one thing clear. No hitting on Mangetsu... or touching me. I realise this is the only chance you'll ever have to touch someone's boobs or anything like that, but it's still my body. So no molesting yourself or anyone else...And no doing anything with sharks, I'm not okay with that kind of stuff."
"If you think you can have a wank in my body then I can do whatever I want in yours." He replied, not that he intended to honour that promise, it was more a case of just trying to terrify Kyouki out of touching him.
"Fine. I just hope you get your period soon. Oh... and if you get to do that then I get to do this, Tatsuya!" She stopped the purple-haired man in his tracks, as he waltzed through the lounge, carrying a pail of salt water for god knows what reason. Although as soon as she brought herself to her feet, she felt incredibly awkward now that she was towering over him for a change. "Listen, I couldn't help but notice that you and Zabuza have been getting... closer, lately. It's opened my eyes to how wrong I was, how much I wan- No, need you. I was wrong to ever let you go. Will you marry me?"
"Oh Kisame..." Tatsuya replied, oh yes it could get worse... much, much worse. "you can't believe how happy I am right now. I've been trying to get over you... but my heart just refused to move on. Let's elope, we could be married by tonight."
"No, no." Kyouki said, for a moment Kisame could have sworn she was showing the slightest bit of humanity...until she looked straight into Tatsuya's eyes and said "We should do this properly, in... two weeks from today, we'll meet at the church and get married."
Tatsuya didn't say another word, he just let out a girlish squeal and skipped merrily out of the room. Much to both Kisame and Kyouki's relief... if anything else had happened the would probably both been sick.
"You...you...oh my god... I don't... there aren't..." Kisame struggled to find the words for how much he hated Kyouki at that very moment in time (frankly, he would have just slit her throat there and then if he didn't think it would end up killing him too.) all the while, the pale skin on the body he now inhabited turning and incredible shade of scarlet.
"Kyouki, you really don't look well..." "are you sure you don't want to go back to bed?"
"NO! I am fine. Nothing's wrong!"
"...What is wrong with you today? You are so moody, and it's not even your time of the month."
"...unfortunately." Kyouki muttered under her breath, she would really have loved to see Kisame go through his first period.
"...You're right, I have been acting strange today... but it's not because I'm ill. It's because lately I've realised that I have feelings for you. Mangetsu, I love you."
"Well...that's just... perfect. Now we can do all the stuff couples do. We should have a picnic to celebrate, I'll go make one!" Mangetsu then immediately turned and left the room, though surprisingly in a much more contained manner than Tatsuya had.
"...Was he already in love with you or did he just adjust really fast?"
"The latter, probably. I remember when he had loads of other friends, then I told him that he was my best friend and he abandoned them all. I abandoned all my friends too... not entirely by choice..."
"Oh god, I'm going out with Mangetsu..."
"You really should start using your brain" She said, tapping Kisame on the forehead and then pausing for a minute, astounded at how hollow her own head sounded. "...you're going to have to deal with the consequences now."
"Oh god, what's he going to do?"
"Well, it'll probably start with holding hands in public. Then after a couple of days he'll start hugging even more. Then'll come the kisses... I'd give it a year at least before what your worried about comes along."
"Oh please, you would if you could."
"So, Tatsuya has been testing his potions on you two as well?" Raiga said, emerging from the shadows like he always did at the most inopportune moments.
"What?" Kyouki asked, although in Kisame's voice it sounded more like a threat than anything else.
"Yep. Tatsuya has been making magic potions, Zabuza for example, is now a jellyfish."
"...GOD DAMN HIM!"
"It's okay though, I know how to fix it. I just need a clean environment..." Raiga said, trying to suppress a smile he could feel tugging on the corners of his freakishly large lips. "You two clean up, and I don't just mean this room... the whole base needs to be clean."
Several hours later, Kyouki and Kisame returned to the lounge after having cleaned the whole base from top to bottom, something which, if they were any less desperate to get their own bodies back, would have taken them years. In their absence, Raiga had managed to mix together a concoction of everything vaguely edible from the cupboards, along with tap water. "Now, I have made this drink from different herbs, it will be needed to start the process."
"What the hell is this Raiga?" Kyouki asked, practically vomiting after only smelling the 'magical drink'.
"Now, for this next step," he said, completely ignoring Kyouki, "I am in need of clean clothes... otherwise it won't work, go pick up my dry cleaning."
"Why do we-"
"Because I am working on making this area enchanted, I cannot do that, unless I have my full concentration. If I don't, you'll be stuck like that forever. Now, if you don't mind..."
Many hours and pointless tasks later, they both arrived back at the base, completely exasperated, their patience with Raiga running extremely thin. "Okay Raiga," Kisame said, "we've cleaned the base, drunk your stupid potion, picked up your dry cleaning, done the rest of your laundry, paid off your child support, we tried to find Choujuurou for his endurance training but he's missing, we even threw Orochimaru down a well... when is any of this going to work?"
"Okay, okay. I'll start the actual spell now..." Raiga took great pleasure in the enraged expressions he soon saw form on their faces, "I need you two to be fairly close... so I want you to hug."
"Yeah you know, the closer you are, the less distance your spirit has to travel. It just makes things easier." After the two of them had finally managed to get into a rather awkward hug without suffocating each other, Raiga decided he hadn't quite crushed their souls enough, "No, no that's not working. You see, the spirit passes out of your mouth, so you need to make the link there..."
"Go to hell, Raiga."
"Fine, fine but seriously, you both need to be as close as possible so you know... try and think of a way that you can both be as close as possible... as if you were almost one person..."
"You're not even trying to help us are you?" Kisame asked, narrowing his eyes... why they had ever trusted Raiga from the outset was a mystery to him.
"No. It'll wear off after a day anyway."
"...I hate you."
"Well, you enjoy the rest of the day with Mangetsu," Kyouki turned to leave, narrowly avoiding hitting her head off of the door frame, "especially night time. I mean, he will hug you but don't worry about his wandering hands, he doesn't mean anything by it."
"Oh, yeah you enjoy your night with Tatsuya, he will spoon you and you should worry about his wandering hands... he means everything by it."
The next morning, Kisame was relieved to find that he was back to his old self, however strange it may have been for Raiga to actually be telling the truth. Still, he found that in spite of him being back in his own body, Kyouki still had rather a lot to answer for...
"Why did it take me ten minutes to get out of my room this morning?"
"I had to bolt your door shut and move everything in front of it so that I could stop Tatsuya from getting in. I kept waking up to hear him scratching on the door." She shuddered slightly at the memory of it, "How was your picnic with Mangetsu?"
"Long. He talked the whole time, I didn't listen to any of it. I don't know... I said some stuff you'll hate me for later. Also, why does my head hurt and why could I almost not fit into my clothes this morning?"
"Well, the head thing is because I kept bumping into stuff... I'm scared of heights, it was confusing for me... and the weight well... I ate a lot. And I mean, a lot; all the food here, all the food at my brother's house, everything at Ao's, everything at the local shops and... many, many Happy Meals. I also paid a visit to Sea World to 'apologise', turns out angelfish are quite delicious... lionfish not so much." She paused for a moment, her facial expression changing from amusement to concern, "Oh, and it's probably best you know that while I was at Ao's... something happened."
"Well, we were having a chat and er... he touched your nipples." Kisame's face contorted into a look of sheer horror, "I got out of there straight after that, but just don't be surprised if you have a new stalker...Oh, yes and I bit the Mizukage."
"You...bit the Mizukage?"
"Well, she looked at me funny!"
"Of course she did! You were a shark!"
"Kisame!" Tatsuya said, waltzing into the room and throwing his arms around the disgruntled shark man, "I missed you last night!"
"TATSUYA!" Zabuza burst through the doors not long after Tatsuya made his entrance, only a towel draped around him, "I woke up naked in a bathtub! WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?"