A/N: This is incredibly random. It may be my most random work to date. I'm not even sure what compelled me to write it.

Disclaimer: See a name you recognize? Yeah, I don't own it.

Bad Dog

When it came to Lightning: The TV Wonder Dog, there were two things I was absolutely certain of. First, he hated me, or at the very least, didn't like me. Second, he was desperate for my attention, even if it was negative attention, because after all, negative attention is still attention.

If Lightning liked me, then he wouldn't have literally torn me apart limb for limb when I was a zombie for Halloween. If Lightning liked me, then he wouldn't leave me little…presents…in the most inopportune of places. If I had a prized possession, Lightning would have no doubt stolen it by now much like he stole Carlos' lucky helmet way back when.

Lately, Lightning had been following me around like a lost, little puppy, and it was driving me crazy. Everywhere I went, there he was. He wanted me to throw his squeaky toy ball. He wanted me to throw his Frisbee. He wanted me to pet him. He wanted me to rub his stomach. He wanted me to feed him. It was annoying. I was single now, and trying to play the field, but Lightning kept ruining my mojo. Girls would pay more attention to Lightning than me because he was inevitably wherever I was.

Dogs like Lightning: The TV Wonder Dog were why I was more of a cat person. As far as I was concerned, dogs were nothing more but slobbery, mangy, stupid pooches. "Man's best friend"? I think not. At this very moment, Lightning had a string of saliva dribbling out of the corner of his mouth; it was suspended in midair. Now he had lowered his head, and was licking…lil' Lightning…if you catch my drift. I mean what is that? I was thoroughly amused by how I could pretend to throw a Frisbee and Lightning would run off and look for it even though it had never left my hand. That never got old.

Despite Carlos always suggesting that everyone think "happy thoughts about kittens" when we fight, he was not a cat person. Come to think of it, I don't know why Carlos even suggests that if he doesn't even like cats. I've known Carlos since pre-Kindergarten, and the Carlos I know loves "seeing cats get what's coming to them." It started with his childhood pet, Sparky, who just so happened to be a cat, and kind of snowballed from there.

I was in the middle of enjoying a picnic at Palm Woods Park with the Teen NCSI girl. I can't even remember her name. The two of us were sitting on a blanket on the grass. All our food was spread out before us on the blanket. For some reason, Lightning had decided to follow me all the way from The Palm Woods. He dropped his squeaky ball at my feet, and barked at me.

"Aw, he wants you to throw it," Teen NCSI Girl gushed.

"Tough kibble. Why don't you go find Carlos and pester him, Lightning?" I asked.

I didn't understand why Lightning would follow me around when he was closer to Carlos. When we got back from Minnesota after Griffin broke the band up, Lightning was the one that welcomed Carlos back to the Palm Woods. Plus, Carlos is more of a dog person.

Lightning continued to bark at me nonstop. I was quickly losing my patience with him. I let out a frustrated sigh, and picked up his squeaky toy ball. Lightning stopped his barking. He got down on all fours with his butt sticking up in the air. His tail wagged, and his ears perked up as I squeaked it a couple of times. I threw it if for no other reason, but just to get him to shut up. He excitedly hurried off after it. I turned back around to face Teen NCSI Girl.

"So, where were we?" I asked in my best sexy voice.

Teen NCSI Girl giggled. I heard Lightning bark once more, and was horrified when I saw that he had fetched the ball and dropped it at my feet again. I handed the ball to Teen NCSI Girl.

"There. You throw it," I said.

She passed the ball back to me, much to my dismay.

"Actually, I think he wants you to throw it," she replied.

Lightning barked and his tail wagged. I groaned. I did not want a pet! I was not Lightning's master! Even if I did want a pet, I wouldn't want a…dog.

I threw Lightning's toy as hard as I could. There was a splashing sound as it broke the surface of the water in the pond. Regardless, Lightning still gave chase.

"That was kind of mean," Teen NCSI Girl commented.

"It's okay. All dogs know how to swim. Plus, you and I were supposed to be on a date here. I never asked to have a third wheel," I responded.

The two of us started eating. I had brought fish sticks, pizza bagels, corn dogs, chips, pretzels, and fruit water. Camille and I were still friends, but we were just friends. I was trying to get over my feelings for her, which is why I've been kind of playing the field lately. Which is why I asked Teen NCSI Girl out on a date today.

It was weird. I was comfortable around Teen NCSI Girl. I wasn't nervous around her. I wasn't socially awkward around her. I wasn't self-aware around her. I didn't have trouble talking to her. Not like I was with Camille. I wasn't sure what to make of that. Was I supposed to be all those things around girls? Did that mean I liked them? Was that a good sign or not?

The next thing I knew, Lightning was back. Only this time, he had dropped a Frisbee at my feet. That was odd. I don't recall him bringing a Frisbee with him when he followed me from The Palm Woods. Lightning was dripping wet, and decided it would be a good idea to shake his fur coat, drenching me and only me with pond water.

"Lightning! Bad dog!" I yelled, shaking my finger at him.

Lightning covered his sunglasses with his front paws and whined.

"You can forget about me throwing that Frisbee too!" I scolded.

He got down on all fours, and his ears flattened. He whimpered. Teen NCSI Girl and I resumed eating our picnic lunch.

"Uh…what is Lightning doing to your leg?" she asked me.

I looked down and was mortified to see that Lightning was getting a little…frisky…with my shin. I shook him off.

"No, Lightning! Bad dog!" I shouted, shaking my finger at him.

Lightning put his front paws over his shades and whined.

"Someone needs to get neutered. Yes he does! Yes he does!" I said to Lightning in a way not unlike one would talk to a baby.

If I didn't know any better, I would think that Lightning didn't want me dating other girls. Maybe Lightning wanted me to get back together with Camille. I mean he was never the third wheel when I was spending time with Camille. He never tried to sabotage my dates when I was dating Camille. Then, I quickly realized that I was giving Lightning way too much credit. Dogs aren't that smart. Lightning isn't that smart.

Lightning nudged the Frisbee towards me with his nose, and barked. I slapped my forehead. This was getting ridiculous! I begrudgingly picked up the Frisbee and threw it. Lightning took off running after it. I stood up from the blanket, and started to head back to The Palm Woods.

"Where are you going? What about our date?" Teen NCSI Girl called out.

"I'm going to do something that I should have done a long time ago. Rain check?" I shouted back.


I was staring intently at the project I was working on. I was concentrating so hard that my tongue stuck out ever so slightly. I had taken a standard citronella bark collar, and was tweaking it. Traditionally, citronella bark collars are triggered by the dog that is wearing it barking. The one I was making for Lightning was different.

Lightning's bark wouldn't be what triggered a mist of citronella to be sprayed out from the collar. Instead it was wired so that I could remotely control it with a handheld switch. Anytime Lightning did something I deemed inappropriate, all I would have to do is push the button, and he would get squirted with a spray of citronella. Citronella was perfectly harmless to dogs, but citronella collars were a more dog friendly version of the alternative shock dog collars. It still got the job done though—it taught dogs to behave.

I couldn't believe I had actually done it. Sometimes I amaze even myself. I guess that comes with the territory of being a genius. Now, all I had to do was put it on Lightning. That could wait though. I stifled a yawn. I had been working on this new and improved dog collar for hours, and I was beat. I didn't even have the energy to get up and walk to bed, so I just conked out sitting at the counter in the kitchen of Apartment 2J.


I woke up and was confused as to why Lightning was in the apartment with me. How did he get in? When did he get in? Why wouldn't he stop following me?

Then, I felt something was fastened around my neck. I felt it with my hands, and was horrified when I realized what it was—the citronella dog collar I had made for Lightning. I frantically searched the counter for the handheld switch.

"Where is it? Oh no! It was right here!" I exclaimed.

Lightning barked at me. I looked down at him, and saw that he had it in one of his paws. This couldn't be happening!

"Lightning, give me the switch," I said calmly, slowly standing up from the stool I was sitting in.

Lightning pushed the button on the device, and I got squirted with a blast of citronella. I now knew why dogs didn't like citronella. It had a really strong smell to it, especially when the source of the spray was so close.

"Bad dog!" I scolded, shaking my finger at him.

He pushed the button a second time, and I got squirted with citronella for a second time.

"Lightning, no! Cut it out!" I yelled.

He pushed the button a third time. A fourth time. A fifth time…

"Lightning! Lightning!" I screamed.

The End

A/N: Um…so yeah. I don't even know what to say. I do feel obligated to say one thing though: despite whatever impression you may have got from this story, I am in fact a dog person. Just saying…