"Ino, you're bleeding!" The blonde haired woman exclaimed, rushing to her exhausted daughter. Blood caked her fists, lending to the overall rather scruffy and worn out look of the dirt covered Ino in ripped clothing.
Every day for three weeks the same routine had repeated over and over – It had taken a week for the shock of Sasuke's original rant to wear off, but soon it was replaced with a fierce determination. No longer would Ino wait three hours in the morning for her sensei to arrive , scheming of ways to make Sasuke fall for her – no, the only falling Sasuke would do would be face flat on the ground in a vicious sparring match.
Don't be mistaken – he was still the love of her life, but love comes in many ways, and Ino was going to deliver hers with lots of sweat and blood. While Kijotane had opposed her daughter's tough training, Inoichi had been proud that she was finally taking the shinobi world seriously, even spending some time to teach her himself.
However the said blonde man was not present this time to high five his daughter for her excellent attitude – he was busy elsewhere.
"Ahahaha!" Naruto shouted, laughing. "I can't believe you disabled two fully grown samurai with some grass and a frying pan!"
Team 8 sat with Inari on the table, eating lunch silently, screams of pain entertaining the background. Anko was busy … extracting…relevant information from the samurai, while Haku was upstairs reading the Holy Book of Log. Somehow, Tazuna had convinced Zabuza to help finish the last parts of the bridge, leaving team 8 at home.
The first day after the death of Gatou had been nonstop celebrations, confusing the young blonde. How on earth did you be poor one day, scrounging for the slightest hint of wine, and popping bottles the next?
Despite the celebrative mood, Inari had instead trained with Naruto, knowing he would lose his teacher for quite some time. After the meal, Shikamaru pulled out a shougi board, playing with Hinata in the cool breeze of the forest while Naruto trained (beat the hell out of) Inari.
Several hours later, smelling of soap and fresh shower water, the three males and one female were relaxing in Tazuna's garden when Anko called for a meeting. Inari reluctantly stayed in the garden while the rest of team 8 met Haku, Zabuza, Anko & Tazuna in the kitchen. Tsunami served them all cups of tea before leaving to chat with Inari.
"Alright then," Anko said, sipping her tea. "We need to decide what to do with Haku & Zabuza."
The two of them were about to protest, but Anko continued, "We can either leave them be, most likely never see them again. Or…"
"Actually Anko-san, I would like to join my fellow Log Worshippers in Konoha." Haku announced, drawing a huge smile and a pat on the back from Naruto. Anko considered it for a moment – Haku had a strong bloodline and potential for greatness, and just that would be enough to get the elders at the council orgasmically hyperventilating.
"But what about Zabuza?" Shikamaru asked, looking at the bandaged man.
"Pff," He snorted. "I'm not going to Konoha."
Haku was torn for a bit – he had discovered the log and did not want to lose his new friends, and was also sick of life on the run , but he didn't want to abandon Zabuza anytime soon.
"Haku," Zabuza began. "I know you've discovered the log, do not want to lose your new friends and have been sick of life on the run, but don't want to abandon me,"
'Am I that obvious?' Haku thought incredulously.
"But I think you should go to Konoha. You can start a new life there, be with your log worshippers, perhaps find a girlfriend…"
"But what about you?" Haku asked.
"Well…I have an idea." Shikamaru muttered.
Tsunami had long left Inari to stare at the stars, but the boy was broken out of his reverie when he was dragged on to his feet by a rough hand.
He found himself face to face with a growling , bandaged face, but refused to show emotion.
"Alright kid. Time to get you a Zanbatou."
Inari had a bad, bad feeling about this.
"They are becoming a powerful faction here in Konoha and we cannot allow such division in our ranks!" Homura exclaimed.
"Powerful faction?" The Hokage snorted. "Honestly, it is a small religious group of merely four people at the moment. How is that a powerful faction?"
"Have you not felt the havoc they are wrecking on us?" Koharu replied. "Just yesterday a jounin was found tied upside down by his TESTACLES, two inches from a pit of snakes!"
"We should exile them!" A council member stated angrily.
"So you propose to exile my daughter, one of the top jounin, our second most skilled interrogation shinobi AND a friend of the Hyuuga?" Hiashi said, borderline angry.
"Exactly my point. Further discussion is intolerable." Sarutobi announced. "In fact, it's pathetic we were called for a meeting for this. Apologies to those who actually have things to do."
Most of the clan heads nodded in appreciation, leaving.
"I'll get you, you bastard log worshippers!" Danzo screamed inwardly, old furies coming to surface.
The next day, Team 8, plus Haku, left for Konoha.
"What shall we name it?" A citizen asked as they faded into the distance.
"How about the Great Bridge of Wave?" Tazuna suggested.
"No!" Inari shouted. "We shalt name it the Bridge of Log!"
"What?" The citizens asked, confused. Tsunami face palmed, watching as the chaos unfolded.
"And the willow sayeth unto the ninja," Inari began quoting, watching as the crowd hushed in silence.
"Wherefore dost I weep?'Tis tears of joy, as thy kin and mine together fell thine foes, who would bring the axe and torch to the wood. The log ist thine ally, and mine kin. Calling upon the log, is to call upon me. To aid thee in battle, I weep my tear of joy.
And the ninja spoke: yea, thee and thine kin shall forever be blessed among me and mine kin. For thine bravery will never be forgotten."
A stunned silence followed, before the crowd erupted in chatter.
By the end of the day, Inari was sitting in a circle with ten other citizens, teaching them of the log and praying together.
It took two days of flitting through trees to get to Konoha, whence the team instantly went to shower then brief the Hokage on what happened.
"Great job team 8," The Hokage praised. "Now…Haku was it?"
"Why do you wish to join Konoha?"
"The Log approves of brethren sticking together."
The Hokage sighed. "Alright then…Could you give me a quick demonstration of your abilities?"
The tea the Sandaime had been drinking instantly froze, before rising up and sculpting itself into the shape of the log.
"Alright then, Team 8, you may leave. Now, Haku… Later I'll be having a meeting with a council , at which point I'd like you to…"
It wasn't long before Haku was cleared for duty, given an apartment and sent on his way. However, Naruto & Anko were enraged to find that the bigots on the council had decided to make Haku a genin AND make him be a single man team.
They had not wanted to make him a chuunin, even though upon being tested by Tsume he was stated to be low jounin level. Seeing as he was so talented, he should be able to ace a chuunin exams solo…right?
After a long session of log meditation, at which point Haku was introduced to Yamato & Hanabi, who were given details of what occurred, team 8 were sitting idly on a field, waiting for their sensei. Haku was also waiting, having decided to stick around with team 8.
Anko arrived soon afterwards, but she was not alone, Asuma being dragged close behind. "Alright team, I'd like to introduce you to Haku's sensei, Asuma."
"Logs blessing upon you," Naruto & Haku intoned simultaneously, while Hinata & Shikamaru stuck to more common greetings.
"Alright kiddo," Asuma began. "I'm gonna have a one on one spar with you to test your abilities, if that's alright."
"Sure," Haku replied, jumping far away from team 8 so as to have some space.
"Wait. Let's make this more interesting," Anko shouted after them. "Me, Asuma & Shikamaru against you three maggots."
Naruto smirked, sharing a glance with Hinata, while Shikamaru groaned. The two sides faced off, beginning at some unspoken start.
Naruto threw two kunai at Shikamaru, before creating a wooden torch. Shikamaru groaned as it lit up brightly with one of Naruto's camping jutsus, realizing his shadow abilities would be mostly useless.
Seeing as he wouldn't be using Kage Mane or any derivations, he quickly summoned 3 darkness clones, closing in on Hinata. Anko meanwhile found herself face to face with Haku, batting away senbon with her blade axe as she ran forth to him. She began a fierce battle of taijutsu & kenjutsu with the teen, who with an almost feminine grace easily dodged and counterattacked.
Asuma found himself facing the blonde boy, dodging mokuton attacks as he closed in. The black haired man pulled out trench knives, surrounding them with wind based chakra as he attacked.
The blonde seemed to see through his trick though, dodging that little bit extra to avoid the deadly chakra blade, before counterattacking himself with his whip. Asuma dodged, watching as the whip morphed into two wakizashis as Naruto pulled it back.
The spar lasted nearly two hours, fighters switching opponents as they fought. Asuma as rather impressed with … everyone, especially the blonde child and his own genin teammate.
"Alright maggots," Anko shouted, calling everyone close. "The chuunin exams are coming up and you're entering."
"Aren't you going to ask us if we want to?" Hinata asked.
"Yeah, where I'd instantly jump to the chance of proving myself?" Naruto asked.
"And I'd come along even though it's really, really troublesome?" Shikamaru added.
"And I'd come because they're coming?" Hinata finished.
Anko had no idea where they got these crazy ideas from, but laughed nonetheless. "Fine, do you want to enter?"
"Well DUH!" They all replied, taking the forms and filling it in.
"Now Haku…" Asuma started. "From your abilities I think you'd be able to enter and have a solid chance at winning. Furthermore, if you stuck around with team 8, you could work together to help accomplish each other's goals."
Haku quickly signed the form, thus becoming the first one man team to ever enter the chuunin exams.
Ohwell. The log would protect him, right?
Kakashi stared proudly at his students, hiding it behind his mask and his book. Sakura had just learnt her fifth genjutsu, Ino was butchering a training dummy with a nodachi and Sasuke was practicing a fire jutsu.
After the girls' transformations nearly a month ago, the team had got on much better. He wouldn't lie and say they had perfect team work, but they were performing excellently compared to what he called the Pre-Sasuke-PMS days.
With that in mind, he went up to them and offered them a chance to be in the chuunin exams.
Kiba, Shino & Chouji stood waiting for their sensei to finish talking about the responsibilities and difficulties of the chuunin exam, but the three of them were all eager to enter and without a doubt they signed and stamped their forms.
"I, jounin Mitarashi Anko, nominate my genin team of Uzumaki Naruto, Hyuuga Hinata & Nara Shikamaru for the chuunin exams." The proud log worshipper handed her forms in, before standing at the rear of the hokage office.
"I, jounin Hatake Kakashi, nominate my genin team of Uchiha Sasuka, Yamanaka Ino & Haruno Sakura for the chuunin exams." The lazy man also handed in his forms, not staying around for the rest of the entries.
"I, jounin Sarutobi Asuma, nominate my genin team of Haku for the chuunin exams." The man felt odd nominating a single genin, but nevertheless he gave in his forms.
With a curious glance towards Asuma, Kurenai also began to speak. "I, Yuhi Kurenai, nominate my genin team of Aburame Shino, Akimichi Chouji & Inuzuka Kiba for the chuunin exams."
The Hokage began to fill in the appropriate paperwork, chewing gum as he signed the paper.
Naruto was strolling down the street when he heard a strangled yelp from a nearby alley. He quickly jumped in, finding a small child held upside down in the air by a hand of sand.
"They are not testes," the red-haired boy controlling the sound said monotonously. "It is a gourd. Take it back."
"Oh my log," Naruto shouted, "Put that poor child down!" Tentacles of wood snaked out to the boy, and oddly as soon as they touched the sand, Gaara would seemingly lose control of the sand.
He was awed and slightly worried that someone could disable him so quickly. Perhaps this person could show him his purpose…
"The Log frowns upon murder," Naruto said as more tentacles of wood disabled more and more sand. "Why doest thee spill the blood of thy brethren? Is this not a perversion of the logs protection unto man?" The blonde quoted, piquing his audience's interest.
"Tell me more," The brown haired child whom he had recently rescued begged.
Two hours later…
"All hail the log, protector of protectors!" Konohamaru hailed.
"You are fools! Your log is but a mockery of the power of ninja!" Gaara declared. The two infront of him shook their heads pitifully.
"You have been denied the log for a long time, sandwalker." Naruto replied, sadly. "We cannot force you to see the glory of the log, but know this. When the time comes, and you have no other allies to call upon, the log will hear your prayers, and aid you."
Gaara grunted, turning to walk off as he said, "You will fulfill mother's lust for blood, log wor-" He was interrupted as his sand caught a flying black object, fine grains of the yellow material opening it to reveal it as the Holy book of Log.
"Food for thought, sandwalker." Naruto said, walking off with his new disciple.
"Genjutsu," Sakura whispered as they neared the door. Wisely, Sasuke immediately veered to the left, going up another flight of stairs, his teammates close behind.
He walked into a large room filled with countless teams of ninja, but the most annoying was the bright blonde towards the left side of the room conversing with his teammates.
"Hmph, Dobe." He said as he walked towards them. "This test isn't for amateurs, go home."
"The Log's curses upon you," Naruto spat. "Besides, you're one to talk – you have no hope passing the chuunin exams if you couldn't even get through genin."
"Shut up baka!" Sakura screeched. "We're better than that now."
"Yeah, Naruto," Shikamaru said dryly. "Sasuke is so skilled that the only blood he could get on himself would be that of his enemies…"
"Damn right," Sasuke said.
"…or from inbetween his legs." Hinata finished.
Sasuke let off a breathless squawk, and was about to retaliate before the doors shut with a loud *CLANG*
"Hinata, headcount?" Anyone late was screwed by now, but a quick scan of surroundings showed Hinata what was up.
"Twenty seven Konohan teams, one Sound team, two Grass teams, a mist team, nine sand teams, seven rain teams and two waterfall teams. That's discluding Haku-kun, making a full 153 candidates."
"ALRIGHT MAGGOTS!" A manly voice shouted, scarily resembling Anko in the way he held himself and, apparently, spoke. "Whoever's not in this room with their SCRAWNY ASSES planted on a chair within the next 20 SECONDS will be DISQUALIFIED!"
The teams scrambled into the room in a disorganized rush, the unfortunate mist team actually being disqualified due to missing the 20 second mark. The proctor then began to hand out test papers in an agonizingly slow manner as he explained the rules.
"Each of you worthless bugs have 10 questions and 100 minutes to answer them. Each candidate has 10 points, and if you are caught cheating you lose two points. If any single member of your team reaches 0 points, then you're disqualified."
Immediately a blonde sand kunoichi spoke up. "There are only 9 que-"
"-stions because the tenth will be given after the time finishes. Speaking of which, you have…42 minutes left."
With a gasp of outrage, the all started to work. However, they all turned to the proctor, confused.
"This paper's screwed up!" Kiba shouted, displaying his paper. He attempted to write in pen, only for the ink to dribble down the paper and drip off the side, as if it was made of plastic. He then tried pencil but the graphite just flew off in an explosion of grey sparkling dust as the pencil touched the paper.
Instantly Ibiki homed into the blonde boy, whose hands were held in an odd seal. The scarred proctor walked up to the boy, pulling his hands apart. Instantly, residues of blue ink were absorbed into Kiba's paper.
"This is blasphemous!" Naruto shouted. "How would you like it if someone mutilated you into pieces, sat on other pieces of your body and wrote on your testacles?"
Ibiki flinched as was about to … 'convince'…the boy to let the exam continue when suddenly all the papers dissolved into nothingness. The genin in the room let off shouts of protests, but the door opened, revealing several chuunin carrying stacks of tests printed on rice paper. As they were given out, one man handed Ibiki a note.
'Dear Ibiki-kun," read the Hokage's elegant writing.
"I forgot to inform you of possible sabotage if use of log paper is prominent. Do not fret however – the desks are metal."
The man groaned. The test was ten minutes late because of one stubborn child, but nevertheless, he shouted some more and began the test.
Naruto began to read the exam, before stifling a gasp. He knew it would be hard but this was impossible!
'Explain in detail, using examples and diagrams,' he read, 'The inner workings of a female mind. Your answer should be essay length."
With a barely perceptible growl, Naruto began to write.
'The first and most important thing to take in to account when concerned with the workings of the female mind is the volatile and dangerous phenomenon called PMS. While some are under the delusion of believing this stands for "Premenstrual Stress," it has been proven that it actually means "Punch men senseless…
Naruto ran out of things to say by the sixth paragraph, as he found himself going in senseless circles, contradicting himself and often rambling on about things of no relevance – in other words, an accurate depiction of what the question required.
However, the rest of the questions were too hard to answer, and though he had given a valiant, if hopeless, attempt at the first question, he'd have to do what was obviously the intention of the exam – cheat.
It was so simple. He could see Sasuke close by, possessed by Ino who was writing the answers for him. He felt out for the wood from which his pencil was made, offering a prayer of forgiveness to the Great Log. As his chakra touched the object, he immediately got an accurate feel of what Sasuke was writing. With a smirk, he also began to write.
Shikamaru was unable to think of a way till Hinata tapped her pencil a couple of desks away. He immediately caught onto her plan, his shadow taking a long and convoluted route to her desk so as to keep out of sight from the proctors (his shadow was hiding in the shadows, so to speak). As soon as it reached Hinata, he relaxed, allowing her to control him instead. As his hand wrote the words over the paper, he allowed himself a small smile.
Haku had at first worried, but seeing an ingenious Konoha duo using mirrors to communicate answers, he set up a small block of ice over his hand. After some careful maneuvering he caught the light of the bun-haired girl's mirror, and with a smirk he quickly began to copy.
Ibiki was kicking teams out left and right, and though the puppet boy's rouse had been obvious, he let it pass. The man could've punished the teen, he decided to let the log worshipping blond do so in his stead – it would be just that much tastier and popcorn worthy.
The hour & forty minutes couldn't have ended quick enough, and as an ominous gong rung, he scanned around. It seemed that approximately 110 candidates were left.
"Alright the tenth question – but be warned. Failure to answer this question will ban you from ever becoming a chunin. Ever." Ibiki said, a smirk playing at the corners of his mouth. Immediately the room erupted in angry shouts.
"What? How can you do this?" The dog boy shouted angrily.
"This is MY exam, and while here you play by MY rules and I AM GOD!"
"The log is, infidel!"
Ibiki ignored the shout, preferring to let the room sweat. "Any who wish to save their sorry carcasses should leave now."
Several teams began to leave.
"I-I can't take this! Sorry Asumi, Shiore!" A grass genin stuttered, leaving the room. The ninja named Shiore let off a positively terrifying killing intent, leaving the room dead-set after her soon dead-teammate.
Soon only 26 teams remained, leaving Ibiki with the task of announcing the pass of those present and deal with the resultant noise. However, he didn't get a chance as a purple blur smashed through the window, landing to reveal Anko.
"What are you doing here Anko? You're a jounin sensei, you're not even legible to be a proctor."
"I know." She stated simply, scanning the remnants of the teams.
"So…why in the name of Kami's breasts did you do that?"
"I felt like it."
"But you interrupted my dramatic climactic speech." Ibiki replied monotonously.
"Oh stop bitching, I'm sure no one here wanted to hear it," The violet haired lady replied carelessly. Team 8 just smirked at their sensei's antics. "Bla de bla, you pass, shut the fuck up and get to training ground 37 before I skin your asses with a spoon." That combined with a bit of killer intent was enough to get 90% of the teams moving, the exception of course being team 8 and Gaara's team, and few other individuals such as Sasuke.
They all followed the purple haired jounin, who led them to another building surprisingly, where Gekkou Hayate awaited them.
"Alright prospective chuunin," He said, drawing their attention from the examination of the stark white rooms. "You will be placed under a genjutsu and under the effects of specific machinery to monitor your activity as you are placed in a combat simulation program, via said genjutsu." That was all he said, before he picked two random teams, sending each to a specific room while Anko helped with preparation. Technically she wasn't a proctor but no one else was willing and/or free to help.
Around ten minutes later, one team exited the building while the other went to a specific waiting area. Sasuke's team was soon in, pitted versus a sand team, but soon Sasuke, followed by Ino & Sakura, emerged, heading towards the waiting area.
Gaara's team emerged victorious in little under 3 minutes, and soon Naruto found himself being led in with Hinata & Shikamaru close behind.
They entered a similarly decorated (or lack of, so to speak) room, split into three segments. Wires and various gizmos were strapped to their bodies, each team member in a separate segment. Gekkou quickly began to explain.
"Alright, you will be pitted against…a rain team. They will have a scroll which you must get. If you don't get the scroll in ten minutes, they win." He then applied chakra to a vast genjutsu seal under each candidate's feet, causing them to fall in a coma-like state.
The three team members found themselves appearing in a large grassy area, Shikamaru already analyzing how to use the various landmarks and objects to help attack the fort up ahead. They discussed for a quick ten seconds, before rushing forth.
Shikamaru split off, leaving Naruto & Hinata to scale the stone walls using chakra. They soon arrived at the top, both instantly dodging the hail of kunai which attacked them, courtesy of a trap. The inside of the fort was surprisingly simple, consisting of a single large building – seemingly a dojo – and a large pool of water in front of it.
The two of them jumped down, Naruto already flipping through handseals. As he uttered the name of a jutsu, a large amount of clones appeared – numbering to about 300. They all ran forth, seemingly with no plan, but that was not the case.
The clones would easily disperse on one hit, which is what inspired Naruto's pseudo-combination jutsu. Each clone flipped through three seals as they approached the building, activating a simple fire jutsu. As soon as a clone got within destruction range, it turned the jutsu on itself.
While this would technically be useless with shadow clones, it was an effective tactic when used with the Wind clones. Each explosion of wind was augmented by the fire, creating mini bombs of fiery destruction.
The rain team rolled out the entrance, coughing from the heavy smoke and flames, finding themselves facing the two genin.
"Hah," one said, holding an umbrella. "You don't stand a chance!" He threw his umbrella in the air as Naruto & Hinata neared, hundreds upon hundreds of Senbon being released. However, they were scattered as Hinata instinctively used a kaiten, the glowing blue chakra protecting herself and Naruto.
The rain team waited, ready to attack as soon as the blue chakra disappeared, but they had no chance. Two logs appeared from nowhere, flying towards the team – and with loud thumps and exponentially louder moans, the two male members of the rain team fell, hands holding their pained crotch. The last female member laughed haughtily.
"Such dirty tricks will not work on m-" To Hinata's amusement, a log between the legs also had the female member on the floor crying. Shikamaru then arrived, emerging from the ruins of the building with a slightly charred paper, on which there was the kanji of "Release."
He activated it, thus releasing the genjutsu.s
"Good job," Gekkou applauded. "With a record timing of two minutes, you pass to the next stage. Good luck!"
Haku was pitted against the other rain team, whom he vanquished easily, seeing as all their water based jutsu were simply frozen by him, and that he outclassed them in all other areas. He swiftly joined his friends in the waiting area, where team 8 were in a corner by themselves, Sasuke & Co ™ glaring at their backs.
"Haku! The log hast truly blesst thee!"
"Ye, for if it wast not the Log's intent for me to emerge victoriously, I would surely have been vanquished."
"Hey to you too, Haku." Hinata said lightly.
"Oh…Blessings of the Log upon you, Hinata, Shikamaru."
"You think you can win, dobe?" Sasuke sneered , Ino & Sakura right next to him.
"If the log wills so," Naruto replied serenely, annoying Sasuke with his calm.
"Don't be so naïve! The Easter Bunny doesn't exist, the Tooth Fairy doesn't exist AND THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND DOESN'T EXIST!"
"What's England?" Shikamaru whispered to Hinata, who shrugged.
"Alright then Sasuke, I know an excellent place for you known as Tjany Almahy…" Naruto announced.
"A mental institution in Earth country."
"Wha-You bastard!" Sasuke shouted – mental problems were a sore spot, seeing as he had once read his medical files. He had cursed his psychiatrist every name under the moon and a few above it, refusing to return to the man.
Sasuke rushed forwards, attempting to punch the boy – however, a hand of wood appeared from the ground and grabbed his arms.
"Don't…ever touch me, heretic."
"You and your stupid log-" He gulped as the icy feeling reached his crotch, looking down to find his entire lower body encased in ice.
"Don't insult the log, infidel." Haku growled in a dangerously cold voice.
"How am I an infidel huh?"
"'Curse thee, sacrilegious fire bearers,' The Log hast said in anger as another of its children were mutilated and disrespected." Naruto began to quote. "'I damn thee to a life of treacherous deeds and an afterlife neither in hell nor in the Forest of Life, but betwixt the two, in Limbo , house of the Damned.'"
Sasuke growled angrily and was about to attempt another attack when the last team walked in, followed by Gekkou.
"Okay then, genin. There is a remainder of 12 teams, which is rather impressive. Seeing as that's 36 contestants, which is too much for the last stage, there will be a preliminary match right now."
Hinata looked around – it seemed that 6 Konohan teams had passed, including her own team, Team 7, Team 10 and Neji's team. Both the waterfall teams had passed, as had Gaara's team and another Sand team. The remaining teams were the Sound team and a grass team.
"We will have team vs. team matchups, using a random drawing system. Now follow me!"
They all walked through a few doors and a couple of corridors, finding themselves in a large arena with balconies for the sidelines. "Could everyone please make their way up to the sidelines?"
They did just that, joining their various senseis as Gekkou received a hat full of team names. He shook it a bit and said, "Okay then! First match – Team Gai versus Team Kubi."
Team Gai jumped down, facing the other team. "I did not wish to face another team of Konoha!" Lee exclaimed with tears. "But this shall be a youthful battle!"
Team Kubi were demolished, leaving the arena unconscious as Gekkou began to draw the next team. "Team Gaara vs. Team Misumi!"
"This is weird," Shikamaru stated. "Teams of the same village are being pitted against each other…"
Team Misumi didn't stand a chance…and they weren't shown as much mercy as team Gai showed to Team Kubi. They left the arena as cleaned up blood on mops.
"Team Gaara wins!" Gekkou stated unnecessarily. Sasuke's team ended up facing a team from grass, and although it took noticeably longer than the other teams, Team 7 won in the end. The sound team faced off against a waterfall team and emerged victorious, while Team 10 effectively beat the other waterfall team, passing to the next round.
That left only Naruto's team and the team of a silver haired Konohan shinobi, Haku having received a pass due to being ineligible for this round.
"Begin!" Gekkou shouted. Team 8 instantly stood back to back as the other Konohan team circled them. Shikamaru whispered something to Naruto, who nodded and made two dozen clones to attack their opponents.
Watching the resultant fight was enough to give Shikamaru an accurate depiction of the enemies abilities. One of them had elastic arms and legs, allowing him high maneuverability and agility – so best paired off with Hinata. The other could drain chakra, so Shikamaru was most likely the best response for that. The third was more unknown, but from his chakra levels, Shikamaru could tell he was jounin level alone.
As if the enemy had read his mind, Kabuto began to bark out orders. "Yorui – take the Hyuuga girl. Misumi, attack the Nara – I have the blonde."
They each attacked their respective enemies , but unfortunately they couldn't fight effectively. Team 8 didn't stick to a single enemy, rotating as they fought and filling in for each other's weaknesses.
Shikamaru ducked Misumi's palm, watching as it was smacked away by Hinata's jab – most likely disabling a tenketsu point. The Nara boy turned to the left, uppercutting the man's head with a nasty crack. Naruto meanwhile ducked under Kabuto's fist, sweeping his legs from under him.
Kabuto was the only real challenge – the other two were quickly disposed of. Team 8 turned to the silver haired genin, who smirked, pushed up his glasses and raised his arm. Team 8 stiffened, poised to dodge an attack – when the boy forfeited.
"Team 8 win!" Gekkou announced, before calling all the victorious teams down. The teams all jumped down, surprised at the sudden arrival of none other than the third hokage.
"In 30 days," He said, chewing gum. "You will be pitted against each other in three-way battles. It was originally intended to be one versus one, but this batch must be exceptionally skilled, seeing as we have so much contestants. Now, the battles will not just be about winning and being promoted – all the most important figures from across the lands will be attending , and so they will move their services to whomever they see has the best ninja. Now, the fights will be as such – Gekkou, if you please."
The man began to read from a paper.
Round 1– Kiba vs. Neji vs. Hinata.
Round 2 – Uchiha Sasuke vs. Tenten vs. Aburame Shino
Round 3 – Kankuro vs. Naruto vs. Zaku
Round 4– Haruno Sakura vs. Tsuchi Kin vs. Sabaku no Gaara
Round 5 – Dosu vs. Rock Lee vs. Haku
Round 6 – Nara Shikamaru vs Yamanaka Ino vs Sabaku no Temari
Akimichi Chouji will receive an automatic by and will face the winner of round 6. Good luck preparing."
The candidates all began to chatter, eying up their opponents and making training plans. Naruto began to exit with the rest of team 8 when he encountered Kankuro on his way out.
"Say, Kankuro…What is that on your back?" Naruto asked, twirling a kunai with his finger.
"Oh a puppet." Kankuro jumped as Naruto's face went deathly cold, the kunai in his hand crunching to scrap metal with a sickening crunch. He gulped – that could be his bones!
"This is the ultimate, heretical defilement of the Great Holy Log. You will pay for this crime upon all things moral in this world."
And with that, Naruto left – and everyone could suddenly breath as his killing intent left with him.
OMAKEEEE! :D WARNING – STRONG IN-YOUR-END-O! (Innuendo)
Team 8 eyed their opponents, who wasted no time rushing to attack.
"Watch as my strong, flexible appendages pierce you!" One of the genin said as his arm extended forth. The hand at the end formed a fist as it rushed towards Hinata.
"I shall not allow you to enter my mouth!" Hinata shouted as she dodged.
"Don't worry Hinata, it is too limp to penetrate you!" Naruto shouted as he dodged Kabuto's fist.
"I am too hard for you to beat," Yorui announced, attacking Shikamaru, who was too slow to dodge. "Ha! I am on top of you now!"
Shikamaru punched him viciously and got up as the other genin fell away. "Ha! See who is erect now!" He flipped through some hand seals , his shadow extending. 'If I cannot capture him with a frontal result,' He thought, 'I will have to attack from the rear.'
"Let us increase the pace," Naruto said, attacking his enemy. Kabuto dodged, pushing up his glasses.
"I shall emerge on top!" The silver haired man shouted, throwing a kunai at the blonde.
"Pfft, you didn't penetrate me this time!" Naruto replied, throwing a chunk of wood.
"That is too blunt to enter me properly!" Kabuto shouted. Naruto growled, flipping through handseals as a huge dome of wood surrounded him. He rushed forth and began to fight.
The crowd outside couldn't see anything , but they could hear grunting sounds – as well as their voices – coming from the wood.
"Oh my it's so large!" They heard Kabuto shout. "You'll rip me in half!"
"That's the plan," Naruto replied in a sarcastic voice.
Gekkou watched in mild amusement, but was brought out of his reverie by Kurenai. "This is disgusting proctor – you should end this match."
"I don't quite think they've reached their climax," He replied monotonously.
Hinata ducked under the hand, batting it away with a chakra filled palm. "I will not allow you to grope me, filthy pervert!" She threw two kunai at him, and unfortunately the man couldn't dodge.
"Oooh, double penetration," Gekkou commented.
Shikamaru's shadow finally connected with his opponent's, having outsmarted the man and capturing him when he couldn't see it.
"Pff," Shikamaru snorted. "I captured you with a mere rear assault. You weren't hard enough for me."
Shikamaru and Hinata bound their respective enemies and huddled them to a corner.
"Wow, I didn't know they were into BDSM…" Gekkou said, dodging a slap from the nearby Kurenai. Now all attention was on the dome. They heard a ripping sound.
"That was my favourite shirt!" Kabuto whined.
"Yeah well those were my favourite trousers!"
'What the …' Most of the crowd was thinking. Except Sasuke of course, whose thoughts were more along the lines of, 'Oh this is hot…'
"What a big, long shaft you have!" Hinata guessed Naruto had taken out his sword again.
"All the better to pierce you with…"
"I'm coming for you!" Kabuto shouted after a few more minutes of grunts and moans of pain coming from the dome.
"Yes, this fight has been building up in intensity to a glorious climax!"
"GET A ROOM!" Kiba shouted.
It went on for ten minutes until finally it ended, the dome being absorbed by the ground. Naruto's entire lower body was encased by wood, seeing as Kabuto had accidentally ripped his trousers off half way through. Said silver haired genin was topless – mostly at least. His shirt had been ripped to shreds, and worst of all was that he was walking oddly since Naruto had cut him on the thigh – however he did forfeit.
"Team 8 wins…" Gekkou said.
"What we just did will keep me up for long nights," Kabuto exclaimed.
"Yes! You must think of a strategy so that I am not on top next time," Naruto replied.
"Yes, let's do this again sometime…"
Eventually – a few years down – team 8 watched the video of their exam. As was Anko's recommendation, they took popcorn.
This chapter is dedicated to my inexplicably awesome, funny friends – Goat & Meerkat. No I won't disclose their real names :D But just know that they are very awesome. And inspiring! This chapter wouldn't be out till Friday if it wasn't for Goat's urgings.
Anywho – I don't think there was enough funnies in the chapter and after rereading the omake it's very…meh
I NEED A BETA! BETA BETA BETA BETA BETAA! I want a beta reader and you want beta writing so we will all come out on a beta side if I get a freaking beta D: I've made requests without getting replies and so on and so forth, but meh. Even if there is a beta who does not wish to beta for this story, I have another one which will be less-funnies and more-srs-buzniss - if anyone's interested I can perhaps disclose the plot in a PM.
ANYWAY! I LOVE YOU MY AWESOME REVIEWERS! LOG SHAPED COOKIES TO YOU ALL!
"The difficulty with this conversation is that it's very different from most of the ones I've had of late. Which, as I explained, have mostly been with trees."
That quote (Douglas Adams) …ahh I just felt it was so ideal.