Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight that honor goes to Stephanie Meyer. I only own an imagination and the emotions that have gone into this story.
I recommend to have tissues handy for the first few chapters of this story as I cried writing it.
I will not have a set update schedule for this story it will be as soon as the words can get out of my head onto screen.
Also if anyone is interested in becoming my beta I will happily accept. I have two wonderful pre-readers in Mugglemom and my wonderful Hubby but another set of eyes to help are always welcomed.
Chapter 1 - Just a Dream
I sat in the kitchen table looking out the window drinking a cup of tea, all I kept thinking about was how he had promised never to leave me alone. He told me that I would never have to live this life without him, but that is exactly what he did. He left me to be alone. Just as I was lost in my thoughts when my beautiful son began to cry over the monitor. I went to his room and took him into my arms. He was only a month along and now I was left to care for him by myself. He would never know what his father looked like, he would never be held by his dad, never be taught to play baseball or any other type of sport for that matter. I would never be able to teach him. Just as I was picking up my little boy I began to get even more angry, how could he do this to us. How could he leave me alone to take care of our son. How could he not see that this was going to hurt both of us. Did he not care enough to stay around and care for us. How was I supposed to do this alone?
"It's ok baby, mama's got you." I cooed to my little boy as his cries calmed.
"Oh honey I would have gotten him. You need to go and finish getting ready. We have to leave in less then an hour. I can get the baby ready," my dear mother said from the door
"No mom that's ok. I need to nurse him anyway. Besides this way I know I wont have to feed him again until after we have returned to the house. I don't want to have to feed him in a public place and there isn't anything about today that I really want to miss. I need to face this head-on," I said with more conviction then I felt.
"Alright baby I'm here if you need me for anything." my mother said as she walked back out of the room. I could see the pity in her eyes for what I would have to face today.
I began to nurse Andrew, and the emotions of everything that I would have to deal with today suddenly attacked me and I began to cry. I couldn't stop the tears from falling silently down my face over my cheeks and landing on my precious sons blanket.
As the pain became to much for me to bear my sister and sister-in-law walked into the nursery taking the baby from my hands. They embraced me and just let me sob into their shoulders. They gave me the strength that I needed in that moment. I would not have been able to deal with everything that I have been handed in the last month if it had not been for them. As I calmed I began to get angry again. How could he do this to me. How could he just leave me to deal with all this alone. I didn't know how I was going to survive once everyone went back to their own lives. I had no job, a young son to care for, no money to pay any of the bills, I had nothing. I could not put the pressure on my friends and family to help me. They had to worry about their own lives, I would not be a burden to anyone. I refuse to let this affect others lives as well. I would have to find a way to overcome all the obstacles in my life.
"Come lets get you dressed, I think mom can make sure that Andrew is burped and dressed. You don't want him to see you like this, I know you want him to see you are stronger then anyone ever expected you to be." My sister exclaimed with all her wisdom. She was right I didn't want him to see me like this I wanted him to see that I was stronger than that. Even if he did leave me the way that he did. I would survive the solitude that he had imposed on me.
Anger at this point was the only thing that was getting me through each day. It was the only thing that was keeping me from breaking down completely. I needed to hold on to the pain and anger that I had inside of me, because if I didn't the pain would be so overwhelming that I would completely break down and not survive. I had to survive, Andrew needed me. I was all he had left aside from his grandparents, aunts and uncles, but they would not be able to give him everything I could.
Once my sister brought me into my room, getting dressed was more like an instinct then it was a conscious act. I was dressed and with my face and hair made up before I even knew it. When mom walked in the room informing me that Andrew was ready to go, I knew it was time to face the hardest thing that I would ever have to deal with in my life. I took a deep breath and prepared to walk out my home. It was finally the time to say goodbye to my past and prepare for the unknown future.
We arrived at the church that had been the source of one of the happiest days of my life and now one of the saddest and hardest. The main pastor greeted us with a compassionate smile. As we approached him Pastor Jeff gave me a strong hug and reminded me that I am not alone in any of this. He reminded me that even when I feel alone, angry and in a dark place that God was standing next to me holding me up. That God would never leave me alone.
"Remember my child the Lord has not left you, he has sent you an living angel to remind you that you need to stay strong and fight. Fight against the pain and anger. Also remember that Jake is finally in a place that we can only hope to arrive some day. He is with the Lord watching over you and Andrew. He is making sure that the devil can not get to you or your little boy."
"Thank you Pastor Jeff, but it so hard to believe those words at the moment. Jake promised that he would never leave me, even in his vows on our wedding day he made a promise to me, in front of the Lord, our friends and family that he would always be there for me. Now I am alone, with a young son. How could he do that to us? How could he give up, why would he stop fighting?" The anger was once again beginning to seep into my words as I spoke what was in my heart to the pastor.
"But you see my child this is where you are wrong. He has not left you. He is right here with you, he is standing next to you, he is making sure that you can get up each day and care for Andrew. He has made sure that your family is with you to help you. He has thought of everything you could need at a time like this, and made sure that it was provided to you." With those parting words he excused himself to go back into the sanctuary and make sure that everything was ready for Jake's funeral.
Pastor Jeff began the funeral with a prayer for consolation: "Father of all mercies and God of all consolation, you pursue us with untiring love and dispel the shadow of death with the bright dawn of life. Give courage to this family in their loss and sorrow. Be their refuge and strength, O Lord, reassure them of your continuing love
and lift them from the depths of grief into the peace and light of your presence. Your Son, our Lord Jesus Christ, by dying has destroyed our death, and by rising, restored our life.
Your Holy Spirit, our comforter, speaks for us in groans too deep for words. Come alongside your people, remind them of your eternal presence and give them your comfort and strength" His words were said softly but they gave me the strength to not breakdown again in front of all our friends and family. They had seen me breakdown to much already over the last month. I held on tighter to my son and the last thing that I had of Jake.
"I remember being the first person to present Jacob to the Lord. I dedicated him and his life to serving our Father. I saw him grow up and become a man of great faith. I witnessed him give strength and faith to others around him. I remember the day he chose to give himself fully to the Lord and decided to be baptized as one of Gods children. I remember when he stood in my office the day he said he met the woman that the Lord had made just for him. I was there the day he graduated from high school, then college. I was honored to announce him as Jr. Pastor for our Youth. I was present when he bent down on one knee and asked Isabella to become his wife and life long partner. Right here at this alter I was blessed to join them in the sanction of marriage. Now I am blessed to send him home to rejoice with our Heavenly father and his son Jesus Christ." The tears that I thought had run dry slid down my face once more at the beautiful words that were being said of my husband. Pastor Jeff had gotten to see all those things, he got to celebrate in all our joys and now our sorrows. As the words sunk in and continued to permeate my heart and I felt like I could no longer breath, the sun suddenly shown into the room, and I knew that was Jake giving me proof that he was happy. He had always been my sun, he held me when I was sad and found a way to make me happy once again. He made me laugh and showed me that life was a blessing that God gave us each and every day. In that moment I knew that the words that Pastor Jeff had said in the foyer were all true. Jake was there standing next to me giving me strength and making sure that I would once again be happy. He never truly left me. Yes his body was no longer standing next to me, or holding me but his spirit and soul always would be.
As Pastor Jeff closed off the funeral with more words of encouragement and prayer. I felt relief, joy and peace swell in my heart. I stood from my seat at the front of church and together with Andrew I placed a single Lilly on the top of his casket. With my silent prayer to love him and keep him in my heart always I walked down the aisle once again but this time alone.
Outside the sanctuary Billy sat in his wheelchair silently morning the loss of his only son. I walked up to him and embraced him. It had been over a month since I had last seen him. He had refused to see me, which hurt deeply since I loved him like a father. When he saw me he tried to turn away from me. "Please Billy, please don't walk away from me now. This is the time that we need to hold on to each other the most. Give each other the strength that Jake would have wanted us to hold on to."
"I'm so sorry Bella. I..." he was at loss for words, and I could completely understand that. I knew how hard the loss was on both of us, but Billy had the self imposed added guilt.
As I grabbed his hand and held it tightly I reminded him that this was not his fault.
"Oh but it is Bella, the reason he is gone is because he had come to help me at the house. If he would have just stayed home with you that night he would still be here with us."
Yes it was true Jake died because of the accident that he got into on the way to the hospital from Billy's when I went into labor. But if the blame were to be put on someone that person should be the drunk driver. Not Billy.
Jake spent a month in ICU before the doctors determined that he was brain dead and there was no chance of recovery. Billy was so guilt ridden that he refused to be there when the DNR was signed and the doctors turned off the machines that were keeping Jake alive. He made sure that I was not in the hospital the times that he was there. I know because Charlie would tell me he asked him specifically what time I was going to be sure he was either gone or waited until I left before showing up.
"But what about if the accident was meant to happen anyway. God has a plan for all of us and if that was Jake's destined night to go then that was the way the Lord had it planned. Billy what if we would have gotten into that accident together, what if that drunk driver had hit both of us on the way to the hospital? Would it have been ok that the driver hit both of us and we both would have died? No... God did not have it destined to take us both from Andrew's life. Nor would Jake like for you to live with this guilt about his loss. He would want you to spend as much time as you possibly could with your grandson. Billy it was just Jake's destiny to leave us when he left us. Please stop living with this guilt and pushing us out of your life." Just as I was finishing up my speech Andrew awoke with a whimper, "See even Andrew wants his grandfather to be part of his life."
Billy wiped the tears that were stuck in his eyes and extended his hands out to take Andrew from my arms. It was beautiful to see him embrace his grandson for the first time.
I knew at that moment that everything was going to be alright and Andrew and I were not alone or will ever truly be left to survive with no one by our sides.
Credit for title of this story goes to Mugglemom who after reading this chapter found the song Just a Dream by Carrie Underwood and fit it perfectly. Without her knowing what I was picturing while I was writing the funeral scene she found the song. It was exactly as I saw it in my head Thank you for all your help and everything that you do for me bb. I love you
Thank you to my hubby E for putting up with me and my obsessions. I Love you.
Songs that helped to inspire this story; Could it be any Harder by The Calling and Untitled by Simple Plan. Thank you to Gelix for sharing the songs with us in her story When Love and Hate Collide. If you have not read it or her other story Married to the enemy I don't know where you have all been. They are the absolute best stories.
Consolation prayer was found on: www(dot)prayer-and-prayers(dot)info(slash)christian-prayers(slash)consolation-prayer(dot)htm