Lethal Weddings

Riggs paced back and forth, waiting for the ceremony to begin. His nerves sang a song shriller than a dog whistle.

"Stop pacing, Riggs, You're makin' me nervous!" Leo snapped.

"You're Nervous? YOU'RE nervous?! Well how the hell do you think I feel?" Riggs retorted.

"This is the second time you've done this, you think you'd have it down by now," Leo grumbled, at which point, Roger hit across the back of the head.

"Shut up, Leo," He said sharply.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever, whatever," Leo said, fidgeting in his own tux. "Hey Riggs, why we gotta wear these damn monkey suits? They're real uncomfortable."

"We wear them because Lorna wants us to," Riggs answered.

"Lorna wants this, Lorna wants that. Jeeze Riggs, I never pegged you as a…" Leo Started but Riggs cut him off.

"I don't give a fuck what you pegged me as. You're wearing the damn tux and you're going to like it," Riggs snapped. "And if you complain about it, you're going to fucking DIE, all right!?!"

"But I'm the Best Man. You can't kill me until after the ceremony," Leo pointed out.

"Oh, I'm sure Roge can fill in nicely," Riggs said nonchalantly.

"Yeah, you bet I could," Roger replied.

"Okay, okay," Leo said.

"What time is it?" Riggs asked. Roger looked at his watch.

"One-oh-five," He answered. "We still have fifteen minutes."

"Fifteen more fucking minutes of watching Riggs pace," Leo complained. Roger hit him again.

"Shut the fuck up, Leo," He said. Suddenly a thought struck Riggs.

"Who's got the kid?" Riggs asked.

"Kid? What kid? What the fuck are you talking about?" Leo looked at Riggs like he was a lunatic.

"The kid! MY kid! My SON!" Riggs replied. "Who has him?"

"What do you mean who has him?" Leo said, sitting up straight.

"I mean who has him? Where the fuck is he?" Riggs said.

"I thought Lorna was gonna get him," Leo replied.

"Lorna's getting married, stupid!" Roger said, hitting him again.

"Hey! Hey! Will you STOP that, all right!?" Leo snapped.

"Well if Lorna doesn't have him, then who the hell does?" Riggs asked, his going slightly wide.

"Rianne, probably," Leo said.

"Rianne's got her own baby," Roger glared at him

"So, doesn't mean she can't have Riggs' kid, too," Leo observed only to get a menacing glare from Roger. "Not in that way, of course," He added after a second.

"Roge, poke your head out and see who has him," Riggs asked. Roger looked at Riggs for a moment.

"Wait a second, I thought you hired a baby sitter," He said.

"Nah, Lorna wanted him to be here. Sentimental crap. She thought it'd be 'sweet' to have the baby baptized before.. before the Wedding…" Riggs trailed off.

"OH MY GOD!" they all shouted in unison. The trio rushed out into the church astonished to find Lorna and their friends still in the pew with his son in Lorna's arms. He neglected to notice that there was no preacher at the alter giving mass.

Oh God, Riggs thought as he rushed into the pew beside Lorna, Did they actually tell her to sit back down?!

"Sorry we're late," Riggs said apologetically, putting on his best puppy-dog act and hoping his charm could save his ass, this time. Lorna looked rather miffed.

"Don't worry, you're not that late. You would have only missed the first 5 minutes of the mass," She said. Riggs was about to ask her how that was possible, but decided he'd figure it out later. He looked around and noticed something was a miss.

"Uhhh, Lorna, honey? Where's the preacher?" He asked. Lorna's scowl grew darker.

"He hasn't shown yet," she hissed.

"Hasn't shown yet?" Riggs asked. "What do you mean?"

"I mean that the bastard isn't here," Lorna hissed.

"Honey, should you be saying that infront of him?" Riggs asked, pointing at the crucifix on the wall behind the alter.

"Oh, I don't give a damn, Riggs. Where is this guy?" Lorna moaned. As if on cue, the preacher staggered in. He staggered down the aisle, then up to the alter.

"Oh no…" Riggs thought. The preacher was obviously smashed.

"I's.. I's sorry I;s was a little *hic* late to day…" He grinned a drunken grin. "I's late and I.. and I aplogi.. apolijee… I's sorry," He slurred out.

"Ah.. Lorna, honey?" Riggs whispered, "Is THIS the guy who will also be marrying us?"

Lorna didn't reply, she just sat there wide eyed.

"Oh hell no," She finally breathed.

How am I doing? Please Review. That's the only way you'll get to see how the baptism goes, and the rest of the fic for that matter. (Evil Grin)