Throw off your bonds and your shackles, ye bonny lee gentlemen!
Fair fie fo winds, the winds, the winds of change!
Puck is a badass. He is the most badass man to ever have walked the streets of town, ever and forever and ever. He doesn't need anyone with him, because he is kick-ass. He'll misbehave whenever and wherever he wants, and nobody can stop him.
"What. Are you doing here?" Puck watches them through the glass, his cheery orange uniform at odds with his scowl. "I thought I told you to stay away."
"I'm sorry," Kurt assures him, one hand on the glass. "I'm so sorry. For everything."
His rep is suffering now, Puck knows. He's not as tough as some of the other inmates, and now that his cellmates knows he's a bum-boy, he's going to be in for a rough year.
"Honestly. I didn't mean to sleep with Brittany."
"You SLEPT WITH BRITTANY?"
His boyfriend slept with Brittany?
...His first thought is that, well, good, now his cellmates won't think he's gay. His second thought is, when and why would Kurt sleep with Brittany?
"It just happened!" Kurt insists. "Just, I'm sleeping, missing you..."
And...back to being the bum-boy...Puck sighs, and matches Kurt's hand with his. If he's going to be taken advantage of, he's going to take advantage of Kurt being here.
"And she falls into bed, and she puts her hand between my legs and starts stroking me! I didn't know what to think, Puck, but you know, I had to return the favor."
Puck whimpers softly under his breath, thinking of his boyfriend fingering Brittany, his fingers slipping into her slit, pushing into it. His boyfriend's cock, being sucked and licked by that talented tongue, her mouth, her breath and her suction...
His phone rings. "Oh, wait. Brittany said she was coming through."
Doesn't Kurt know that he's excruciatingly loud?
Kurt drops his voice into a whisper - or what counts as whispering for him. It's still a stage whisper, and loud even among all the other conversations, that are coming to a slow, shocked, stop.
"Anyway, I'm so sorry, Puck. She was grinding on me, and she put my penis into her vagina! And then she did this thing with her hips..." he trails off, and Puck shudders, trying to conceal a hard-on under the desk. He notes absently that the black boy down the hall from him, two cells down and to the right, is almost absent-mindedly concealing a hard-on because of what Kurt is saying, since he's not in jail for sexual assault and that's most likely his mother talking to him.
"Yes?" Puck asks, then has to clear his throat and ask again. "What did she do?"
His cellmate from the bunk above him is looking at him and Kurt now, unimaginably lustful. This man did come into jail for sexual assault - rape, actually - and quite frankly at the moment Puck's kind of into forcing somebody to talk. Kurt, in this instant, since he's still hesitating.
"I don't even know," Kurt says, boyish and confused. "Maybe she can explain it better to you?"
"What?" Then Puck remembers: She's coming.
"When is she going to get here?"
"Soon," Kurt says. "But, I haven't even told you what she did with her fingers!"
The entire room takes a breath. It's half full of incredibly horny men who haven't seen their women in a long time, and half full of family members who are horribly shocked.
"She put them in her, her..." he whispers this now, boyish and secretive, "Vagina, and then she licked them."
Billy Deverson, 19 years old, arrested for battery and burglary, and trying to evade justice, is jerking off in his chair. The girl across him - probably his sister - is trying to ignore what he's doing. Puck watches him, only for a second, knowing that if he drew Kurt's attention to what he's watching, he's certain to go back to being a bum-boy for sure, because Kurt's staring would cement his position. As it is, every man there only thinks Puck's 'friend' is an inexperienced virgin, but lucky as all get out.
"And then she opened this pornographic magazine, and leant her head back and pulled out a couple of things... she said to show you these pictures," and Kurt opens his phone.
Puck is absolutely dizzy by now, but he still leans forward, pressing his face to the glass. He's not crazy - anything that can go into his spankbank - and be legitimate in a jail full of men - is a treasure without price.
He ignores everyone else trying to get a glimpse at the pictures.
Good goddamn. Brittany is just as smoking as she was in high school. And what she's doing with that cucumber...and the banana...and the lollipop...and the teddy bear...and the alarm clock...that's probably illegal in twenty-five states.
He's there for an awfully long time, just gesturing for Kurt to flick to the next picture.
Kurt shrugs. "She said you'd like it."
"I do," Puck chokes out. Bum-boy prospect...fading! "Tell her...thanks from me."
Kurt's face lights up. "She'll love that."
Kurt's face is absolutely radiant. "That means so much to me," he breathes down the phone, and Puck can't help but smile.
"I know," he says.
"So you don't mind?"
"That Brittany wants us both to become her boyfriends?"
His heart stops.
The entire room stops.
The entire fucking world stops.
Kurt begins to babble now. "Uh, she said, if you agree, there'll be benefits, I don't know what the benefits are, but she said, she'll let you put it anywhere, anytime, and I'm not sure that's a wise thing, and besides, I wo-"
"Stop," Puck says in a rush, because Kurt is about to babble something that'll make him bum-boy for life, lucky-ass bastard or not.
"Of course I will."
And the whole room breathes out again in complete jealousy, and Puck can't help but throw his head back and laugh.
A commotion at the door startles them both, and they look up. Brittany's at the door.
"Puck?" Kurt says, this time very quiet. "I'll see you later?"
"Yeah, sure." He acts dismissive, but he knows that Kurt takes more from it than other people might think.
Brittany walks toward him. He thinks his cock might lift him out of his seat, like a third, springy, leg.
"Hi," she says. "So Kurt was telling you about what I did?" She leans in to him, her face pressed up against the glass, and Puck is uncomfortably aware that the entire room is watching him now. "I'll be waiting for you when you get out."
Noah Puckerman is going to be a good little boy now.
"You are one lucky sonuva bitch," Billy says to him as they're hustled back by the guards.
Puck takes a look at one of them. Their thoughts are occupied. They're probably going to jerk off at home with their wives next to them. Puck grins. Hell yeah. Six months of good behavior, and he's taking Brittany from above, and Kurt from behind. Life is going to be goood.
When he gets back to his cell, his cellmate looks at him steadily, then looks away.
The man grunts, and gets into his bed, and Puck falls onto his bunk, breathing hard. He's not that strong, not in here, but hells to the yeah.
When he gets the posters...and the undeniably pornographic images that Kurt's managed to sew in between them, he's suddenly the talk of the jail. The popular talk of the jail.
He manages to escape being raped by trading pictures of Brittany away.
He owes her, so much.
Kurt's accounts of what Brittany and he do are spellbinding to the inmates, too, and almost everyone jostles to get a place in the room when Kurt comes to visit. It's his absolute inexperience that gets everyone.
Puck would laugh at how much the jail resembles a gossip center for a bunch of old drag queens, if he didn't like his asshole as it was, thank you very much.
Oh, that and the fact that he was going to be free in three months and banging his boyfriend and girlfriend for a MONTH.