A/N: So, I've decided on a new idea for a fiction, and it's been a long time coming, but I hope you will all find this to be an acceptable piece of work. The other ones have not been forgotten, as I still make updates on them, but this one had been on my mind for months, and I feel as if this just needs to be done, without a doubt in my mind. It's going to have serous overtones and undertones, so please keep this in mind. This truly will become what I hope will be a romantic drama in every sense of the word. Starts out kinda dark, but it does lighten up towards the end of the chapter.
So, with that said, here is the first chapter. Please leave a review and let me know what you think.
I do not own Sailor Moon.
Chapter 1: History Foretold.
Silken tresses of long auburn hair pulled back back into a tight ponytail bobbed up and down as the owner continued to dress for school. She knew she was going to be late, but she honestly couldn't have cared. The faculty weren't the most considerate staff, at least in her rather crass view, however law was law, and so, off to school she went the orphan of the school. That had become her title. She was the outcast, the parent less child void of hope, the unattainable lay, the bitch, the stupid girl would be jock. She had earned these names over many years of fighting and suspensions. Changing schools only a temporary solution, however she had to admit she had mellowed out over the last few years, due in major part, to the friends she did happen to meet by chance.
These friends were also Senshi. Battle ready girls who remained simple teens by day, but by night, or in the heat of trouble became the princesses of a long forgotten place. Friendship and trusts forged by battle, tempered by slowly moving time, Kino Makoto called these people friends, family, and one girl she even called a lover. One that had lasted almost a year, and the longest running relationship Makoto had. It was stable, it was safe...it was closeted. Not that Makoto couldn't deal with the school aged slander, and hateful eyes of her peers. She was used to that in all aspects of her life, however, she had to admit part of that verbal abuse was her own doing.
She could only beat up so many boys before the term "Butch" was flung into her general direction. "Dyke" quickly followed, and although she could be considered otherwise inclined, she was in no way either detention by default. One was a word that just didn't fit her, at least not how she identified herself, and the other was merely a term that was laced with hate that she couldn't say she agreed with. However, life was life, and she was unable to beat every school yard bully into a bloody pulp...part of her felt that even if she did, she would end up making a worse name for herself, and she really didn't want that.
Still, she was proud of who she was, despite her misgivings aplenty. She was a brash hotheaded person, something that made people fear her. She couldn't say she was the smartest person in the world. She knew how to live life, but that didn't mean she was considered smart with her scholastic endeavors. She wasn't the most fashion savvy person around. She sort of expected it when one had a pocket book made for only survival, things like designer jeans and insanely priced apparel weren't in her budget. Her job was part time, the grant money due to situation provided the basic needs, however, anything extra came sparingly. Makoto saved herself enough fun money out of the change she would pocket over the course of a day, and for her every little thing counted. She wasn't hurting, but she had to be careful.
In mind of this, she grabbed her free lunch pass she had been assigned for the year and walked out the door. Normally she made her own lunch, but on days she knew she could get a decent meal she had learned to bite the bullet, eating lesser quality meals. It was also nice that the school allotted the budget for breakfast too, a small token for the welfare families that while scattered, still existed. Her bag was filled with books for her simple classes. She was in all basic courses, barely passing them, and sighed at this realization. When she had been a small child, she missed a lot of school. Her only hope now was to pass high school by the skin of her teeth and find a halfway decent job, or work full time at the diner. Either way, she hadn't many options left for her.
The school left her filled with memories. She passed a few houses and places she often frequented to eat or socialize when she had time to spare. Children still too young to commute alone walked along side parents, siblings, and what looked too be grandparents. Older students shoved their way onto buses, and forced their way through the streets as if nothing else mattered. Then you had the students like her. The delinquent students who would end up to class five minuets late, and would have to get in line for a tardy pass from the office. If you were a repeat offender, you often got stuck in detention.
She arrived and bee-lined her way to the lunchroom. There trays of juice and cereal with a small carton of milk found themselves waiting for the students on grant and aid money. Flashing her card to the woman at the door, she walked in, grabbing the plastic red tray, grimacing as the food slid around slightly. She found her seat at her normal table. It was small, and was called the allergy table during normal lunchroom sessions. The place was normally for the students who had to be kept away from things like peanut butter, but in the mornings when cereal was the only threat, it was a secluded place to sit and eat.
"You're on time for once?" One of the girls asked confused. Makoto didn't know her personally, however, they did chat idly in passing. An acquaintance, nothing more, nothing less.
"I'm not always late." Her tone was soft as she poured her milk into the foam bowl. A plastic spoon hit the now off white substance followed by the small packet of sugar to give the very plain oats flavor they wouldn't have otherwise...even so, without fruit or some sort of other addition, it wasn't filling. "This is total crap and a half."
"What is?" The girl asked, not fully paying attention.
"This poor excuse for a breakfast. We're being fed off of grant money...you'd think I could get something else to put in it." Makoto sighed out, poking somberly at her food.
"If you don't like it, don't eat it." This classmate had things rather rough at home, living with only her father, and he was unemployed. "But if you won't, can I have it?"
Makoto rolled her eyes, removing her spoon and sliding the cereal into the general direction of the request. "Your dad still doesn't have a job?"
"Not everyone can get one right now." She nodded. "You got lucky your dad's friend took pity on you."
Pity was a loose term. Sure the man kept an eye on her, gave her a job, but she worked for everything she earned at least twice as hard. He would let her take home the leftovers if they couldn't serve them to paying customers, however she still had to be careful. That was purely situational, and a living couldn't be made by working twenty hours a week at a small cafe. She put her head on the table, now just wasn't the time for this. She was tired, and honestly, she didn't care for her first hour class. The rustle of paper called to her senses and in her line of vision was a paper bag with the top rolled down neatly. "You'll get sick if you don't eat something."
That melodic voice of winter could only have come from one person. Mizuno Ami. Makoto smiled up at her friend of over three years, lover of eleven months and two weeks. She was such a welcome sight. "Hello to you too." Makoto smiled honestly. It was funny how the shy girl with fake glasses and blue hair cut short easily to maintain could possibly care an ounce for someone like Makoto. She never understood it, but never let herself question it either. She would have killed to stand up and pull Ami into her arms, but settled on opening the bag in front of her instead. "Thank god for real food!"
"I never understood why you got that lunch pass too begin with." Ami started. "You know we didn't mind making you lunch." In a softer tone, sure no one was watching or listening she continued. "I like taking care of you, and I just hate that you try to pull away when we're all here willing to help you out without question."
Makoto swallowed her first bite of what had been a sandwich. "I know, but I feel like I'm being a bother when I do." Taking another bite she chewed quickly and swallowed. "Not that I don't love how you take care of me, but I hate being a mooch, and if I can't do the same things for you, I start to feel helpless within it all." She fished out the bottle of spring water, cracking the top and taking a large gulp, trying to finish quickly before first bell. "Just wait, one more year and I'll have what I need and I can start giving you more of what you need too."
"I know you feel badly, but you shouldn't have too." For anyone on the outside, it was a conversation about how often the honor student, top of her class, often helped Makoto in any way she could. On a deeper level it went far beyond simplicities. "I'm happy with you the way you are now. You don't need to change yourself to be something you aren't."
Makoto nodded. Logically she knew that was all true, but apart of her couldn't stand this relationship being hidden so deeply in the shadows. They couldn't hold hands, embrace or kiss. All of that stuff was hidden from public view, even the things that wouldn't allude to anything were kept to a minimum. Makoto understood the reasons, Ami had a reputation to maintain and a mother to appease, however, it didn't make things easier on her. She felt useless. Here Ami was, able to graduate and become a valedictorian, and Makoto had to pass every class without fail or she would be held back a year... the passing was easier said than done.
The bell rang then, and so they parted ways without so much as a goodbye or good luck. There wasn't any need. So, melancholic as the two were, as if a piano was playing in the background a somber tune for their lonely life of no words they went about the day. This place was a jail for one, a self proclaimed silent haven for the other. Life, in all of it's slow glory, went on without fail. Down one hall walked the tall brash girl, Kino Makoto, into the wing of the school some people called the Special Education Department...IEP, or for those more spiteful...the retard class... god how Makoto hated them so, she hated herself for her inability and often she wondered about her parents.
If they had been around, would things had been different? That's something she just wouldn't ever know. Instead, her first hour of the day began, and so here she sat in her class of eight other students. A slow, easier class, that she still struggled through despite her best efforts. This place, this was her reminder of just how much life in general had kicked her down, forcing her to spit out the mud and stand back up on her own two feet. She did it every day for one reason or another, either by her own doing, or by the hands of others, it would happen again today, and again, she would need to stand up and clean off her stained hands.
On the other side of the spectrum, a different more succulent sip of milk and honey was offered to Ami in the goblet of life. Hers was unblemished outwardly. She was the star student after all. Always completed her work to an above standard rate of satisfaction, she was a girl who only attend public school for half of the day, the other half she returned home placed under a different regimen. Her mother, Saeko, was sure to advance her studies by showing her other topics to focus on, often expecting her to know a wide verity of things, and not all of them topics of rigorous study. A book on gardening, for example opened the mind, as well as giving insight and perspective, something that Saeko Mizuno found important to give her daughter.
After that, Ami was off at cram school where accelerated courses in her current subjects, and ones she had already passed, gave her review work along with new, harder challenges. This was her life. She was the star child, just as she had been raised to be. Her mother's little girl, her darling angle, and partly Ami still believed that to be true, however, she wanted to make her mother proud. Her father had left, long ago. When Ami was still a child walking around as a baby, not even old enough to relinquish her blanket and teddy as she hobbled around on two shaky feet trying to understand the vast world in front of her.
In those days, when daddy was gone, and mommy was all that cared, Ami realized she never wanted her mom to leave her too. Apart of her, out of that fear, pushed herself as far as possible, trying to model herself after the woman who had nurtured her well, despite not always being perfect. Low and behold, the little girl was not a spotlight in perfection as she aged. Subtle things started to show, little moments in time that someone not as observant as Saeko would miss completely. First it was little things, her favorite characters in books were ones she talked of, as if she wished them a reality. Questions, while not unfounded, rather odd for a small girl to ask, and the way she would give a flower to the little girl next door almost every day she found one was hard too miss. Saeko was almost sure Ami hadn't realized how odd that really was at such a young age.
Then, it grew into other things. A blush when she saw that same friend. The adamant refusal to wear a particular color because a classmate, always female, told her that the color looked bad. Tears the soft child came home with when she was pushed down on the playground from one of the boys that said she had cooties, and yet, her reason for tears wasn't the boys themselves, but the little female friends who simply walked away. Uncaring, unrelenting. The most damning evidence came as she got older... sixth grade, a pinpoint for the start of Saeko's suspicion, and when Ami noticed well and truly that she wasn't like the other girls.
She sat with a pad and paper, drawing when most her age would be playing on the equipment. Her first drawing was that of a girl who was on the ground, bleeding, a scraped knee caused by a game she had never seen, a game...she wanted to try. That friend was now long gone in Ami past, but that girl was at one point a sisterly figure for Ami, and Saeko had always seen the line there, the wall between sisterly affection underlining something deeper... Sleepovers, they would rather share a bed, they held hands all of the time, and again, that tell tale blush came peaking out all of the time along with a shy smile. Saeko knew it was bound to happen, however, then when the friend moved away, Ami changed slowly and the hopefully passing phase seemed strictly that.
A few years later, a very obscure blond with hair in two balls atop her head and a girl with dark raven hair were among people Ami spoke of constantly, and even smiled as she did so. Believing that these people, whoever they were, wouldn't end up leaving her behind. Saeko wished that was the case back then, and even now, ignoring the rather odd behavior they exhibited, it was the least she could do. She was alright with that. Even when another blond with a red ribbon came prancing around trying to teach Ami about popularity, she could let that slide... a slew of others had joined them in a mass it seemed, and yet through all of this, Ami was happy, and for the most part, Saeko was happy for her.
However, there was one girl that had been a shock to Saeko's system. One that she couldn't say she understood. Ami was...otherwise inclined...she knew this...it was a given, but for her child falling in love with this girl was a bad idea. This brash young teen who couldn't seem to care about the important things, or perhaps because she lacked the important things, just simply was a bad idea, any way one tried to look at it. Ami's place in life and her destiny was for greatness far beyond one Kino Makoto...and even if Saeko could learn to deal with the prospect of adoptive grandchildren, or other, more medically inclined means, it just didn't sit well with her that the person in Ami's life was some hotheaded tomboy off of the street.
Ami knew this, she knew all of that and more...her mother saying so in her own subtle ways. She knew it had been laced with care, but that still didn't stop the hurt she felt on any given day, trying, so very hard...all for her place in this world. Fueled partly by her one blemish, her one personal failure too her mother. Ami felt as if she couldn't be so strong. That was her entire problem. Her mother was the poster child for failed romance, single parenthood, and an occupationally oriented woman all rolled into one. She was a woman to reckon with in a male dominated world, filled with those who respected her not only for her work, but her her ability to be a wonderful mother despite her divorce. Ami couldn't live up too that, though she dearly wished she could.
Her mother out shined her on a level she just couldn't match...her peers didn't care about her...her friendships based more about her alter ego more so than because of herself, at least that's what a dark part of her sometimes believed...she was just sub-par, barely a glimmer among the stars, and that made her feel worthless though she tried so very hard not to show it, that little blemish of tainted purity streaked a smokey hue along glass of her crystal clarity.
Her reflections on life brought her through the day of normality and into her evening tranquility. Here she sat in her swimsuit, a pool on the top floor of a complex she visited often. Her feet sank into the water, and part of her felt at home, a small smile graced her lips. The water was cool, the smell of chlorine in the heated and damp air something so very soothing. On the other side of the room the sauna and a hot tub also filled to the brim with chlorinated water found its place in the corner. This she knew well, allowing her face to fall forward as she simply let herself dunk into the water.
Here for a moment, if only for a moment, she felt at home...and in this she was happy.
"Ami..." Makoto watched for a brief moment before she too dived into the water. She wasn't the best swimmer, her suit being a pair of surf shorts and a bikini top. She swam for the other girl, putting her hands out into the air, treading water with only her feet as Ami mirrored her actions, hands touching for merely a fleeting span of time before two strong arms embraced her, pulling her forwards for a kiss. A gentle, sweet, barely there kiss...as long as no one could see, as long an no one knew, it was their own little world.
"How long do we have to keep this up." Makoto sighed out, as she allowed her body to float in the water, holding Ami's hand as the girl did the same.
"As long as we are what we are," Ami paused with uncertainty a frown covering her features. "Then, I can't say I know for sure...at least until after high school..."
"Because of your mom?" Yes, Saeko already knew, but her mother feared for her daughter's welfare.
"Until we are adults, with a name for ourselves, she doesn't want us to do anything to attract attention." Ami knew her mother meant well, but it did make things hard.
"Even after high school, would you be ready?" Makoto had wondered that, she never wanted Ami to push herself further than her limit, it had happened once before.
"I don't know..." Ami's eyes bore into the ceiling on the complex, the crystallized salty tear edging from her eyes speaking more than words.
It seemed Makoto smiled too herself. "Hey, remember what I told you long before?" She asked pushing away from the side, diving down deep into the water, Ami following behind. It was so much easier to reflect when you had nothing to rely on but your own breath and the feeling of being suspended in a substance enabling you to fly. What Makoto had been referring too had been years before, but the fact that it had played out, was what had led them to the days they knew of now.
Ami remembered it clearly enough...
The night had been cold. A chill in the air both unnerving and unyielding gave the occupants of the city a reason to dress warmly as the sleet fell from the sky in seeming sheets. Most would have stayed in simply because it was too cold, too wet, for the night to be of any use for them. This wasn't true for one woman though, however, the teen sneaking out in such weather was also a girl who would rarely be phased by such cold weather. It was part of her basic element after all. She wouldn't be fearful of such cold when it was something rather calming to her state of mind.
She had other things to be fearful of, other worries that consumed her. Perhaps it was because her thoughts were scattered, or maybe they weren't confusing enough. Whatever the reason was she knew where she had to go to sort this out. Scared wasn't enough of a description and she had passed questionable a long time ago. Coming to terms with the facts of her life weren't easy, but the reservations she had about accepting it seemed only inward at the time.
She was a smart accomplished student all through school. She rarely got into trouble. She had boys who were nice to her now, a small core group of friends whom she'd give her very life for and at the end of it all, that had been her entire problem. These friends were those she confided in, ones she ran too for help, and ultimately, one of these friends became a sort of interest for her. Early on, the short girl of iconic blue tresses chalked it up to mere coincidence. The person of her affection liked men, and because of this, the person was unattainable. In the end of everything, this friend was safe...or so Ami had assumed at the time.
This friend was indeed a woman. She cooked, cleaned, danced and skated like a pro, and not to mention she was beautiful. However, she was also strong. Able to lift people over her head with ease, she was the perfect protector. Her own woman who had been hurt before and had to make due with a rather difficult life. That was what this woman was, and that could be considered one of the many things that had caused Ami to think that maybe, if all the possibilities were considered, it was admiration she felt.
Mizuno Ami was an analytical mind at best, at worst she was no more than some of the great minds of the past. Ami was a person who could be scorned for her views, and because of this, she had found herself taking a deeper look into the relationship she shared with one Kino Makoto.
It had started as purely a relationship among Senshi. That quickly turned into friendship. These things were easy to identify. The admiration must have come after that seeing how hard a life Makoto led without complaint and without any outward hesitation. Next came a sort of idealistic crush that Ami had quickly stomped out, it had to have been more than that. Even if all of this and more came rushing into her mind she was done playing pretend. Acting like she was something she wasn't became a task that was now far too painful. Ami had long since reached her limit. That was the cause for this midnight stroll through bitter cold sleet and barely there resolve.
The walk to the apartment was uneventful although her mind was screaming, fearful of the final outcome. It was just your average cold night after all. Ami partly expected a storm to touch down in front of her. Perhaps if it wasn't a storm it would end up being something else entirely. People on the street reminding her how lonely she was, how hurt she was over her own emotions, alas, those things never came. That in and of itself made her feel more alone. She could deal with ridicule, had done so before. She could deal with people hating her, and hell, she could deal with a youma on her own should it come between her and her intended goal, fate be damned to all in sundry in such events...but, with all of that, she couldn't handle being alone anymore.
It was common logic that Makoto wouldn't hate her, that much was obvious...but, the question remained, would she accept her? Ami wasn't sure. They fought for the ideals of love each and every day. Acceptance was apart of that, and each Sailor Senshi would fully tolerate this new hidden side that Ami had within herself. She knew that, and yet, it wasn't the Senshi she feared rejection from. It was the outside...there was only one person inside who could hurt her irreparably and yet, her feelings were complex.
It wasn't a matter of questioning what was already there. Ami was a far deeper girl after all. Yes book smarts came with her total package, if one could call it that, but deep down she was so much more than that. She just knew she couldn't live with herself if another life threatening occasion happened and she hadn't said anything. That's why she was here now, sopping wet with chilly water, her lips slightly purple from the cold and eyes of soft fear and muddled confusion.
"What are you doing here so late at night?" The voice broke her inward reverie. Ami was so out of it that she hadn't even noticed that she had rapped the door already, but now she felt as cold as she looked. Petrified wasn't a word she used often, however with this instant it was the only thing that fit. "Ami? You ok there?"
"I just wanted to talk." Nervous fidgeting mixed with her state of dress told a deeper story and Makoto read into it easily enough. The taller girl pulled Ami inside the far warmer apartment, sighing at the frazzled nerves that seemed to overtake her shorter and obviously distraught friend. "I-if that's alright with you...I mean. We don't if you don't want to."
"The way you speak it's like you wanted to talk to me casually, however you wouldn't have come around at this time of night unless something was really bothering you. I know you well enough to know that much." With that she sighed, helping the girl off with her coat and pulled her into the back of the apartment where the only bedroom and bathroom sat. Makoto went rummaging through her bottom drawer quickly where she pulled out a sweater and a pair of lounge pants that she thought might fit.
"Here, change into these. I'll make something warm to drink." She handed Ami the clothes and walked out of the room stopping at the door sending away one more worried glance. "You'll be staying the night. I don't want you back out there when the weather is this bad. I'll call your mom and leave a message on her phone to let her know." When she didn't get a response she just shook her head, not saying another word.
Once the tea was made and the wet clothes were draped across the bathtub rack, both girls sat in the relative quite of the living room. Makoto had obviously been trying to finish her homework from the day before since her books were strewn across the table, papers crumpled and folded from being in a pocket of her jeans. The fact that a half eaten bowl of rice was on the table served to prove that she was eating on the fly. They had a few larger reports that needed to be done within the month, and since they counted for a rather large percentage of the grade Makoto was dead set on getting as high a mark as possible. She needed it to pass.
Neither girl spoke as Ami reflected on such things. It was easier to sidetrack onto subjects she knew about, study habits being one of them. She quickly squashed that idea, it was an easy way out, but now that she had gotten herself in, she wasn't sure if she should say anything or not. For her part, Makoto waited for Ami to speak. A good few moments passed until she realized Ami had nothing she could say confidently enough. The ticking of a nearby clock and the patter on the kitchen windows were the only noise that could be heard. Faint breath and the clinking of the mug to the table only a short reprieve.
Finally, Makoto cracked, speaking first. "What's really going on." Makoto was always a perceptive person, even when she didn't look it. Sure it was Ami studying to be ahead in the medical fields, a great many for her to choose from, but it was Makoto who decided to think about field such as probation officer, youth home director, and other things that in her life she had experienced as a child. It gave her insight of what it meant to be the the little hellion on the other side of the desk. She had known that role well and thought that from her general experience, she might be able to do good with it. "Talk to me here."
"I must admit I'm not sure how to speak my mind. At least not about this." Ami fidgeted a moment longer taking comfort in the soft shirt that was warm and cuddly. The smell of cooking spices made their way to her nose and she smiled at the faint scent of ginger. "Can I ask you something seriously?" Her voice was almost so quiet Makoto couldn't hear her. In Ami's mind though, each word she spoke boomed with power that she wished she actually had.
"Yeah, what is it." If Makoto didn't know any better she'd say Ami looked scared, and it seemed that fear was aimed directly at her. It didn't sit well for the taller and much stronger Senshi to know someone, especially her own friend felt anything negative towards her. It was true Makoto was a brash and easily angered girl, even among the Senshi, however her temperament wasn't nearly as explosive as Rei's, or in more isolated incidents, Haruka. On top of that, there were a few people Makoto would never intentionally hurt in this world, Ami was very near the top of that list.
"If I liked girls...it wouldn't change anything between us right?" The quiver in her voice caught Makoto's attention more than what the girl had said. In an instant emerald eyes of concern found those of fearing crystal blue. Time had stopped momentarily, the piercing gaze of both individuals revealed something behind them that were very rare sights to see. Raw nerve. Both of them had it, it was just that normally Ami hid it far better.
"Why would it?" That was enough of an answer for Makoto and slowly she edged closer to Ami, trying to figure out what was really going on in her head. For every inch Makoto moved forward, Ami inched back out of reflex, and that only caused confusion in the taller girl. After a few moments of this and an unspoken answer from Ami, Makoto began to grow aggravated scowling as she pulled Ami into a hug. "Stop running away from me. I don't like it when the idiots at school do it, I don't need you doing it too." With that she pushed Ami at arms length, her answer was there, even if it was left unsaid. "Now, look me in the face and tell me why you seem to think you being attracted to women would phase me at all."
Ami looked down. She knew Makoto already had the answer, but there was something about that emerald gaze that worried her. She felt so breakable, so insecure at that intense look of understanding. "You already know." Ami flinched, closing her eyes, getting ready to be hit. This was a taboo, and one that made her uneasy even within herself. "Don't make me say it when you already know."
Tears, hot tears...they poured from Ami's eyes in streams that were unbecoming of the normally cool and collected Senshi. She knew how to be logical, but love and all of the other emotions didn't fit well into the equation. She didn't know how to express them. Questioning why she had them in the first place had done her very little good. This was a new idea at best, a passing moment at worst, and even beyond all of that, Ami was scared. Not exactly of Makoto herself, not of her mother or anyone else...but the fact that everything she thought she knew was slowly changing around her.
"Alright...alright." Makoto hated to see crying but she wasn't exactly Usagi or Rei, the two considered most compassionate of their inner circle. Tenderness wasn't exactly something she knew how to fall back on easily, she could do it if she had too, it just wasn't something that came naturally to her. "Enough of that." Her words were soft as she pulled Ami back into her arms. "Don't cry Ami. I hate seeing you cry like this." When the smaller girl starting shaking, the tall brunette cringed, pulling Ami closer, trying to stop the quaking fear that seemed to have overtaken her.
Makoto was warm and inviting, the protective hold Ami felt was something unreal. Surely she had felt this before, but before, Makoto hadn't known of her feelings. Now though, not only did she know, she was still holding her. She hadn't shied away, run, or freak out. This realization caused the smaller girl to relax if only slightly. If it was out of guilt, pity, or if Makoto shared the same feelings, Ami wasn't all together sure. All she knew was the night was very cold, her own bed was lonely, and the embrace she felt seemed to keep her fears at bay. She felt alright, for once in her life.
"I'm sorry Makoto." Ami sobbed, mumbling into the embrace. "I'm sorry." The fact that was the only phrase that ran through her mind wasn't comforting. Still, she couldn't say the other thing she wanted. Mostly it was of fear, but also because she already knew that Makoto had already suffered enough of love and loss. "I don't know how I feel, or why I feel this way...only that I do." Burrowing herself deeper made her feel safe. She wanted and needed safe right now. "I can't make it go away."
"I'm alright with that." The reply was very self assured, her voice that expected of her when she got overzealous, but this time it was mixed with soft uncertainty found when Makoto was well and truly scared of something. "You don't need to know things right away...we don't need to know anything right now."
Back in those days, they hadn't known much of anything. How far to push, how far to pull. It had been a hard first year, and one that Saeko complicated at every whim, not out of hate for Makoto, but purely for the fact she was mucking through all of this just about as well as her daughter was...one step at a time. And yet even after almost a year, two weeks to the day, Ami was still lost...however, it was a lost she was alright with. Not happy, but alright...
Ami resurfaced as she saw Makoto holding onto the side, out of breath. "I remember fondly." She nodded. "You had said it was alright not to know."
"I'll keep saying that too." Makoto nodded, as she swam back over to Ami. "We don't always need to know everything, sometimes that's the best thing of all."
"It's ok to feel depressed, it's alright to feel lost, however, it's not alright to deny you aren't one or the other." Ami quoted, something her mother spoke constantly nowadays.
"Ami..." Makoto whispered softly. "What is this? What are we? I guess I never really understand it."
"We are, lets see..." Ami answered in the same murmured tone, "We are an illusion of what we want to be on the inside too the outside world, and in regards with the outside, we are what they expect us to become, and that's our lie, or illusion for ourselves..." Then she watched droplets of water as they fell across Makoto's body and hair, a look of confusion. "And just like water, we are both apart of everything, and yet, I guess our waves will shake up the clarity we thought we knew...so, I guess, well, we're merely just an aquatic illusion."
"An aquatic illusion..." Makoto echoed in awe. Then, she pulled Ami close too her, the smell of chlorine overriding the other scents that Makoto knew about Ami, she shook her head. "Just like the unseen sky cloudy sky before a storm, and the murky waters of the unseen. It's ours alone..."
Tell me what you think. Please read and review. I have a feeling it'll be a long winded storyline, so I hope you're all in for the ride...