This was originally written to fill a Masskink request and involves Shepard having some fun with a mortified Garrus when she 'accidentally' loses her fork under the table right in the middle of a council dinner. It's definitely not meant to be taken overly seriously!

I'm still not quite sure what possessed me write it, but I did so it may as well be posted here too. It's set sometime after the events of the Lair of the Shadow Broker DLC and Mass Effect 2. Reviews are welcome :)

Disclaimer: Mass Effect belongs to Bioware.

Edit 01/07/12: Corrected the turian councillor's name. Thanks to both Harrie and Armasyll for pointing out the error.

Trying to bite back his nerves, Garrus stood waiting for Shepard in the Normandy's airlock. They were due to attend an official council dinner on the Citadel in less than an hour and with every minute that passed by he was getting more worked up. Sure they'd already blown off steam together - a lot - but this was different, this was a date and he so badly wanted it to go well.

Until Shepard had asked him to come along to the dinner, he hadn't known if she wanted to keep their relationship quiet or not. He'd tried to raise the issue with her but she'd simply said that she didn't give a fuck what anyone else thought and that if she was being made to go to this awful thing then he was coming too. That had been good enough for him; if she wanted him to be there then of course he would go.

It was just a shame that on top of everything else the whole evening sounded like it was going to be more boring than filling out C-Sec paperwork. Garrus couldn't even remember why it was being held, all he knew was that they had somehow ended up being seated on a table with all four Councillors and Udina. Anderson had told Shepard she'd put there to honour her success in bringing down Sovereign and the Collectors. Garrus had another theory. He couldn't help wondering if Anderson wanted her close so he could keep an eye on her. As much as Shepard was a great commander and a good person, at times she had a tendency to be a bit... impulsive.

Garrus was starting to get used to it but it had been more than a little frightening at first. He was still finding it hard to concentrate in the main battery after she'd suddenly arrived up there two days before, declaring that she wanted to carry out a "surprise inspection". She'd then locked the door and stripped completely naked in front of him. Things had got a little blurry after that, although he knew at some point during the inspection his console must have got turned on because he'd lost about a week's worth of data. He'd been working double shifts since then trying to catch up. Really he should be in there right now; it would probably be a better use of his time than schmoozing around with a bunch of dignitaries and damn Udina...


He turned round to see Shepard standing in front of him wearing a long dress in a silky material that reminded him of one of the cushions in her quarters. She looked different... it was so strange to see her about to leave the ship without her guns and armour. Even her hair had changed; instead of falling down to her shoulders like it usually did it had been curled and attached to the top of her head with some odd metal pins.

"You look, ah, nice," he said, although truthfully it didn't really make any difference to him what she wore. She was always the same Shepard to him.

"Thanks, Gar-Gar."

He shook his head. "Do you have to call me that?"

"Yes." She smirked. "Don't worry though, I'll stick to Garrus while we're in public. I don't want to embarrass you...too much, especially not when you look so dashing in your pretty suit."

Clearly she was not in one of her rare sensible moods, but at least she thought he looked good. He was dressed in the new formal outfit she'd picked out for him earlier that day because the old one "wasn't really his colour". Honestly he wasn't quite sure what that meant but he'd enjoyed seeing the excitement on her face when she'd bought it for him.

Garrus cleared his throat, "Shouldn't we leave now?"

"I guess. We wouldn't want to be late for this thing, now would we?" I just can't wait for the tasteless food and the boring speeches." She ambled up to him and entwined her arm with his, resting her head gently on his shoulder. "Ready to walk into hell with me?"

"Always," Garrus said, and he meant it. He felt much calmer now she was with him. "I just hope I don't get seated next to Udina."

"You and me both," Shepard replied, before leading him through the airlock and out onto the Citadel.

As they moved through the station, Garrus saw so many people turn to look at Shepard, even though she wasn't paying any of them the least bit of attention. Her face stayed focused on him the entire time as she made sarcastic comments about their surroundings and complained about how her shoes were hurting her feet already. Garrus just smiled down at her, tightening his grip on her waist. He still wasn't entirely sure what she saw in him but as long as she was happy being with him then there was no damn way he was going to question it.

By the time they reached the hotel the council dinner was being held in, Shepard was threatening to remove her shoes and throw them out of the nearest airlock. She quickly changed her mind once she'd taken a good look at the place. Garrus guessed it would have cost a month's worth of his old C-Sec salary just to eat there, not that he would have even considered throwing away that kind of money on a damn meal.

"My, my, isn't this place pretentious," Shepard said, a little too loudly as they reached the front door. "I don't think they're going to let me order a burger and fries."

Garrus flared his mandibles at her. "Probably not. We can always go to a fast food joint afterwards, although your dress might seem a little out of place there."

She snorted. "Maybe, but I don't think that's such a bad idea."

"I'm not surprised. It never ceases to amaze me how much you can eat in one day."

"Well, I've always a major weakness for good food, although I tend to find men with blue eyes even harder to resist." She grinned at him, but her expression darkened as she looked towards the hotel entrance. "I guess we better head inside."

As soon as they walked through the front door, an asari sauntered over to them and then started to lead them in the direction of their seats. While they were following her, Garrus decided he didn't like the hotel one bit. He knew a pretty human and a scarred-up turian must look odd together, but that didn't mean everyone had to gawk at them. One human man seemed to openly laugh as they went by and Garrus saw Shepard shoot him a look that could have brought down a reaper.

The asari eventually left them off at two seats positioned at the end of a long table in the hotel's ballroom. The four Councillors, a few dignitaries and Udina were already sitting there. Garrus watched the human's eyes narrow as he approached the table with Shepard.

"I see you brought one of your crewmen with you," Udina said, "An odd choice for a formal dinner like this."

"He's not just 'one of my crewmen'," Shepard replied and then pointedly grabbed his hand. Garrus stared down at their joined fingers mutely. She really didn't care what anyone thought.

"Oh." Udina was clearly struggling to find words. "That's...interesting."

Shepard ignored him and then slumped into her chair, nodding for Garrus to sit opposite her. She turned to Anderson, still blanking Udina, and started to talk to him. Garrus took a glance at the dark skinned human as he spoke to Shepard. He looked tired and bored. Garrus guessed his own expression would be mirroring his soon enough.

He wasn't wrong. The conversation going on at their table was so banal that he was struggling to follow it. Shepard was barely talking, preferring to roll her eyes at every other thing that was said. She was also drinking like a fish. With the mood she was in he guessed that was probably a pretty bad move.

Garrus thought about saying something but he really couldn't blame her so instead he decided to start drinking as well. That made everything seem a little better, although things were also getting kind of blurry by the time their food arrived.

Shepard let out an audible sigh of relief when her meal was placed down in front of her and immediately started tearing into it, not caring one bit that nobody else on the table had been served yet.

By the time she had finished eating, Garrus was only halfway through his food. "How was it?" he asked her.

"Alright I suppose, but I've had better..." she trailed off and then started playing with her fork, twirling it in her fingers. An expression of what could only be described as pure evil suddenly crossed her face.

"Are you alright, Shepard?" Garrus whispered to her urgently.

"Oh yeah. I'm great."

She glanced slowly around the table and Garrus followed her eyes. Everyone else seemed to have got involved in some kind of debate about shipping taxes. No one was looking at them. Shepard grinned at Garrus and then started to run her bare foot up and down his leg, while her own hand moved to the dip between her breasts.

"Shepard," Garrus hissed at her, "Stop it!" He may have been slightly drunk but there was nowhere near enough alcohol in his system to think her behaving like this in public was a good idea.

Shepard simply ignored him and then dropped her fork under the table.

"Whoops, silly me," she said, so quietly that only he could hear her. "I better, you know, pick that up."

She eased herself off her seat and then slipped under the table. Garrus looked around him frantically but no one except him seemed to have noticed Shepard's sudden disappearance. Crap. What the hell was she going to do next?

The sensation of Shepard placing both her hands on his thighs answered his question. This was not good; people were going to find it weird enough that they were together without a public incident like this. He gently took hold of her arms and pulled them away from his body.

"Shepard," he said, leaning his head down so there was no way she could pretend not to hear him, "Get up. This thing can't last much longer. We can, ah, do this later. You know, alone, without four hundred other people in the room with us."

He let her go, but that was a very big mistake. Her hands were back on him, moving higher up and tugging at the fastenings on his pants. He could feel his body reacting to her touch. Damn it. Never in his entire life had anything like this happened to him before. He had to stop her, but he wasn't sure how and a very, very bad part of him couldn't help thinking that maybe it would be easier to just give up and let her get on with it. Maybe no one would notice...

He still hadn't decided what to do when he felt Shepard's hands pull his now fully emerged shaft out into the open.

"Shepard," he said desperately, but she ignored him and started to stroke up and down his length.

Garrus gripped the table and abandoned all hope of getting her to stop when he felt her tongue join her hands. She'd only done this with him once before a few days ago, right after Mordin had given them both allergy tests. He'd loved it, but this was definitely not the time for round two.

Garrus felt her lips suddenly close around him and he couldn't help it, he let out a very loud and very audible groan.

Everyone on the table turned towards him, forgetting their debate for a few seconds.

Her tongue was still on him but somehow he forced himself to talk. "I'm feeling a bit ill. Sorry. Stomach ache."

Most of the table went back to their conversation, but the turian Councillor, Sparatus, continued to stare at him. "Where is Shepard?" he asked.

"Bathroom?" Garrus suggested, trying to keep his voice steady while Shepard kept licking him. "She...she left a few minutes ago."

"Strange. I didn't see her go," Sparatus said, wearing an unreadable expression on his face, before turning back to the asari Councillor.

Garrus took one last look around the table to make sure no one was glancing his way and then closed his eyes. He couldn't possibly keep them open anymore, not now Shepard had started to slide her lips up and down his shaft. Her mouth was so hot and wet and what she was doing felt so damn good. There was nothing left to do but sit back, hope no one noticed what was going on and try to enjoy it.

When pleasure finally exploded through his body, he ground his teeth together to prevent himself from making any more noise. Shepard kept her soft little mouth on him the entire time and Garrus couldn't help himself, he had to touch her. He slid one of his hands under the table and into her hair so he could scratch his talons across his scalp.

Once it was all over, he felt her pull away from him and start to carefully do up his pants. Without anything to distract him, Garrus immediately started to panic again. How the hell was Shepard going to get back into her seat without anyone realising where she'd been up to for the last ten minutes?

He chanced a quick look under the table but she was already gone. Turning his head, he saw her crawl round the back of the neighbouring table and then sprint like a madwomen that towards the exit. She really was completely insane. He had to stop himself from laughing when he realised that some of the other diners had noticed her and looked totally bemused. Thankfully, no one on their table seemed to have caught on.

Garrus watched Shepard reach the exit and then immediately do a u-turn and start heading back to her seat, smoothing down her dress with her hands.

"Is dessert ready yet?" she asked, smiling at Garrus as she ambled up to the table. "I was just in the bathroom. I haven't missed anything important, have I?"

"No," Anderson replied and then coughed, "Shepard, I think you might want to fix your hair."

Garrus looked at her and felt his heart sink. Her hair which had been so perfectly styled earlier was now a complete mess, it had been parted in three different places across her scalp and some of the pins had fallen out.

Shepard seemed totally unperturbed. "Oh, I popped outside for some air on the way back from the bathroom. I guess it must have been windier than I thought." She was either too drunk to come up with a convincing story or just couldn't be bothered.

She sat down and gave Garrus an obvious wink. Oh hell. At that moment he would have given anything, anything to be somewhere else. Even spending a couple of days on Tuchanka surrounded by Krogans would have been preferable to this.

Garrus braced himself for everyone's reaction while Shepard poured herself another glass of wine. Predictably Udina looked horrified, throwing his hands up as he muttered something that sounded a lot like "This is outrageous!" to Anderson. On the other side of the table, the asari and salarian Councillors were doing their best to pretend nothing had happened and Sparatus was clearly disgusted. Well that was just great.

"Shepard," Garrus said, keeping his voice low, "You are never allowed to drink again, do you understand?"

"I think you're forgetting who the Commander is, Garrus," she replied, smirking, "Although it is kind of sexy to hear you get all authoritative like that."

Unable to think of anything to say back, Garrus simply gave up and put his head in his hands.

Somehow they managed to get through the rest of the meal. Garrus figured Shepard must have decided she'd caused enough mayhem for one night because she was on her best behaviour for the remainder of the evening, although she did applaud a little too enthusiastically once the last speaker was finished.

She grabbed Garrus' arm. "Let's get out of here."

"Fine by me," he said and then pulled her towards the exit. No one had brought up the 'incident' again, but he had gotten pretty tired of the looks the rest of the table gave them whenever either one of them spoke or made any sudden movements.

As they got outside, Shepard pulled off her shoes and hurled them into a nearby fountain. Garrus could tell she was still a little drunk, but he'd felt uncomfortably sober from the minute she'd returned to the table.

"Let's go," she said and started to walk in the general direction of the Normandy.

Garrus grabbed her arm. "Not so fast, Shepard."


"We need to talk about what happened in there. What the hell were you thinking?"

She shrugged. "I guess I wasn't. I think I might have drunk a teeny bit too much wine, but don't act like you didn't enjoy it."

"That is not the point. I used to be a C-Sec officer and you could've have got us both arrested for public indecency."

She smirked at him. "But we weren't."

"Right, well if that's all you have to say, next time you want to walk into hell, you can go by yourself."

Garrus started to turn away from her, but Shepard stalled him by bringing her hand up to cup the side of his face. "I'm sorry. I was incredibly drunk. I won't do it again. Scout's honour."

"Shepard this isn't funny."

"Come on, Garrus, I know you still love me really."

He started to say something else but she distracted him by pulling his head down to hers and kissing him softly. He gave up trying to talk and pushed her up against a nearby wall. Just as he was beginning to trace his hands over her body, he heard footsteps draw up beside them.

"Well, well," Sparatus said, "What a surprise finding the two of you out here like this."

Garrus pulled away from Shepard, but she kept her arms round him. "Do you want something?" she asked.

"No. I'm still trying to recover from your little display at dinner. I suppose I shouldn't expect anything less from a human like you."

Garrus couldn't stop himself from growling. He knew what Shepard had done was...hardly appropriate for a council dinner, but he wasn't going to let anyone speak to her like that. He turned to face Sparatus. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

Shepard put a restraining hand on his chest. "I have no idea what you're talking about," she said simply.

"Really? Well I'm going to make sure the two of you never get invited to an event like this again."

"Oh no, honey!" Shepard said, clutching at Garrus in mock horror, "How on earth are we going to fill our evenings now? You'll have to comfort me extra hard tonight so I don't cry myself to sleep."

Sparatus glared at Shepard. "You're nothing but another human whore."

Garrus immediately tried to move towards him, but Shepard held him steady. "How's the mistress?"


"Since you're so keen to discuss my private life, I figured we could talk about yours."

Sparatus looked like she'd slapped him, his mandibles flaring uncontrollably as he struggled to speak. "I'll see you later," he finally said before walking hastily away from them.

Garrus watched as he retreated back inside the hotel and then turned back to Shepard. "Bastard. He had no right to talk to you like that."

"It's alright, Garrus. I told you, it's doesn't matter what anybody else thinks about us. Fuck them all." She smiled at him. "Now let's go home."

Half an hour later, they were finally almost at the ship. Shepard seemed tired now and Garrus couldn't help feeling relieved. Her head was resting on his shoulder and her eyes were occasionally drifting closed.

"Garrus?" she said sleepily.


"I've been wondering, do you still have your old C-Sec handcuffs?"

Garrus couldn't stop himself from spluttering. "What?"

"Your handcuffs," she repeated, turning to look at him, "Do you still have them?"

Garrus hesitated before finally replying. "Yes...why?"

"No reason." She put her head back down on his shoulder and her eyes slid shut again.

As they continued to walk hand in hand back to the Normandy, Garrus felt a strange mix of fear and excitement coursing through his body. Shepard really was something else, but when he looked down at her and saw the soft smile spreading across her face, he knew without a doubt that he was glad to be the one person she always wanted by her side. Even if she was a little crazy.

(Note: Just in case anyone reading this doesn't know, the fact that Councillor Sparatus has a mistress was revealed in the Lair of the Shadow Broker DLC.)