A/N: Ahhh the end of an era. I'll be sad to see the end of WITD it's been with me for so long now it's kinda unbelievable. It's also the longest story that i've wrote so far. My new story Mariposa (shameless self plug) looks to be much longer though. I've learned a lot writing this. For example writing whilst acutely mentally ill doesn't always mean that you'll end up with a plot that makes any sense.
Chapter 24 Bye Bye (time jump)
Warnings: Suicidal thoughts, self harm, disturbing thoughts
Harry had just returned from what had been surprisingly the last of his sessions with his psychiatrist. He felt really strange kind of like someone had pushed him overboard a ship into the sea. Whilst he had been going to the sessions he had been a good boy. He hadn't cut the whole time, mainly because he had never actually told her that he had self harmed and didn't want to get found out and also because he didn't want to disappoint her. Too bad that she had disappointed him. Some of the things that she had said to him during that last session still smarted. She had asked him questions like 'What do you think we should do now?'. How the hell was he supposed to answer that question. He had frozen, unable to say anything and in the end chose an answer that he thought would please her. Turned out it wasn't the right one though. She had discharged him. After everything that he had said to her in some cases he had laid his soul out bare and was just becoming to trust her and now… Damn he didn't want to leave. He had told her that he didn't consider himself to have any friends how useless he was. How it was nice to have someone to talk to. The psychiatrist had practically thrown it back in his face by saying that.. Well in Harry's mind it had meant that he was wasting her time and the 'very' valuable time of the mental health wing. Right there and then he had almost broke out into tears.
Thankfully he had arrived home before that happened and had locked himself in his room. The insides of his arms itched ached the veins pulsing wanting to be cut, needing to be cut. He should give in and end it. Disappear it wasn't as if anyone cared they had shown that today. He didn't want to die, but Alistair had been waiting for him as soon as he had opened the door to the room. This time he appeared as a shadow of a tall man. Though he didn't have a face Harry could tell that he was smiling that terrible smile that made Harry's skin crawl. It had taken a while to understand Alistair's motives but now he understood. Sobbing he threw himself at the bed and grabbed two handfuls of the bedsheet until his knuckles turned white. Why did nothing ever work out for him? God hated him he decided it wasn't if he was asking for much. He didn't want money or property or holidays in exotic places he just wanted one person who would stand beside him and who he could actually feel safe about knowing his inner deepest darkest thoughts. He was a freak he didn't deserve it hadn't he learned that time and time again. At primary school he had had no-one, his friends at Hogwarts were at best fair-weather friends and he had no-one else. Remus and Sirius he just couldn't afford to let them down they wanted him to do his best. What if this was all he could do? What if all he would accomplish in life was to be this? Burning, oh he was burining now, with no hope of being extinguished. All the good behavior he had shown was going to be thrown out of the window. It was Harry time now.
Why hadn't he been able to just open his mouth and say the things that he wanted to say? He'd never mentioned Alistair to anyone nor the fact that he had been self harming. Or the other people that would sometimes wander in and out of his life. To begin with even he could tell that none of that sounded sane. How could he even begin to talk about something like that? "Oh yeah and there's Alistair a guy that appears as a black cloud who's trying to get to my brain via my ear possess me and then force me to kill myself." Yes that sounded perfectly sane didn't it. It was hard for Harry to talk at all he preferred the silence and during the times when he hadn't spoken for some considerable time it was very daunting to have to speak. According to her he was inbetween borderline Autistic (Asperger's syndrome), Schizophrenic and Schizoid and that it was his personality… It seems that to get any help at all you had to fall in a distinct category. Yesterday Remus and Sirius had taken him with them when they went food shopping at the local supermarket. If he remembered correctly it was an Asda. A revelation had occurred that had shook him to the core. Upon seeing a lorry his first thought had been to step in front of it… and to let it hit him. What was scarier was that he had been completely calm. It was as if he was deciding whether to buy a new pair of socks or some potatoes. That had been the first time that he had thought about killing himself and now it had come a bit of an obsession. His fear of death and lack of belief in an afterlife was all that was holding him back from doing was something that he had vowed to himself that he would never do. Harry would keep going on feeling ugly, useless, pathetic...It was he mused a pretty masochistic thing. After all being alive was causing him pain, pain that in the end was proving to him that he was still alive. Death was not an answer to this what ever it was that he was going through no matter how nice it sounded to finally get away from things. What would his parents have to say to him. How could he put Remus and Sirius through that. If he did kill himself it would be in a way that wouldn't leave too much of a mess behind for the living to clean up. Stepping in front of a vehicle would be selfish after all, the poor driver... Harry could understand the pull of a place of safety, somewhere it would all end, quietness that caused people to end it all.
In a way it all balanced out in his head there were the good days and the bad. He could cope he could cope with anything and he wouldn't be trusting adults again.
A/n: Not an ending that people were probably hoping for but as I said in the beginning these are my experiences with a mental health problem and my Psychiatrist was scary and opinionated. And like Harry is feeling right now I didn't want to go and see someone again and have to explain that I'd lied to her about how I was feeling , nor have to open up my soul again. Just meeting someone else and having to schedule the appointments in a way that didn't arouse my parents suspicion was pretty anxiety attack inducing. They're not the most open minded of people especially my mother.
As i said above this is based on personal experience and i wouldn't want to put people off seeking help if it is something that they need. Not all Psychiatrists are horrible! All you need to remember is that you have rights and that if you feel that someone isn't listening to you that you need to speak up.